TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 25 BFPs for all!

[strawberrye]

🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧

Another new thread! This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

strawberrye
Age 27
TTC #1
MC#1 5-6 weeks January 2018
MC#2 5 weeks April 2018
TTC since October 2017
Cycle 5 TTC since most recent MC, cycle 11 TTC overall

@Laney79 I'm so so sorry you're going through this. It's truly shit. Like others have said I found it heartbreaking to read your post. Nothing I can say will make it better but sending you love and hugs and hope you have plenty of support around you.

@hellotoyellow, @KnitKitty and @Mistymeow thank you. I do have some good support around but equally some people I expected more from I feel let down by with comments they've made and almost like they should know better and understand. I do need to get moving on getting a private appt booked in.

@SuperSharpShooter82 I have my next couselling session tomorrow morning. Only had 2 sessions so far but it is good to talk to someone and think she is trting to get me to focus on the future and the what if we can't have children and what we'd do etc. Like what's the plan. I'm not so sure that I am ready to accept that yet although deep down I think I know my chances now are slim. I'm still angry and upset and very bitter. I really need to address these things tomorrow. I do think it's worth you giving professional counselling a go. See if you can be referred to a specialist service that focus on pregnancy loss. Hope you can get the support you need.

@Sixorseven sorry you find yourself here. All the ladies on here are so lovely and supportive.

@hayleyfx it's a good sign the OPKs are getting stronger. Sounds like youbhave a healthy approach this month. Hope your new job goes well.

@laney79 so sorry to hear your news. Penguin hugs xx

@hayleyfx glad to hear you are a bit clearer on what your body is up to now.

@supersharpshooter82 so sorry you had to go through that with your family. They should be the ones you can rely on for support. Counselling sounds like a great idea.

@Laney79 I am so, so sorry. Awful news. Please be kind to yourself. x

@Laney79 i am so truly very sorry. I really am devastated for you, a 2nd loss really is tough and you dont deserve to have to go it all again. I hope the pain at least eases sooner rather than later, i know it never really stops.
You are not alone and you will have your baby, dont give up hope. Xx

Oh @laney79 I’m so, so sorry. I really felt hopeful for you. It’s really shit and whilst you have a lot going on, do push for the tests and don’t wait till a third. At our age they may test now after 2 which I didn’t know, so be sure to ask.

Are you just waiting now or do you have medical management planned?

Always here and on pm if you need some 121. Virtual hugs xxxxxxx

@Laney79 I am so sorry nothing I can say will make u feel better sending you hugs xx
@Mistymeow @KnitKitty thanks I bought first response but wrong ong the rapid and couldn't find frer anywhere last night did that on an Asda own and clear blue and all a - ve and spotting today again stopped yesterday and feel bloated too 😞 just can't beleieve when first one instantly came up with 2 lines xx

@Laney79 oh I'm so so sorry to hear your news. My heart breaks for you. There are no words and I know you must feel devastated, sending you hugs.
@SuperSharpShooter82 what an awful situation to be in. Especially when it's your own family. Intentional or not it was extremely insensitive of your sister and I agree with @KnitKitty about writing to her and sharing the info. Also I highly recommend that you seek some therapy or counselling. I did and found it extremely helpful. It's important to have a non judgmental space to vent so you don't hold it all inside.
@Mistymeow hey mate! I agree with you about the attitude towards pregnancy loss. It's very isolating and makes no sense. Hope your appt with doc goes ok. I also didn't want to go down IVF route- stressful, expensive etc but am thinking that it is looking more likely too now. Seeing a consultant tomorrow so we'll see what they say. Great news about ovulation results and referral. Fx for you and @strawberrye this month! And yep- private consultant tomorrow strawberrye! When are you both testing?
@hellotoyellow thankyou. Hope you have a nice time away and those tests come up positive! What have the fertility docs said?
@SixorSeven welcome and so sorry for your losses. I hope you are able to make whatever decision feels right for you.
@hayleyfx glad those opks are getting darker and body is doing what it is supposed to do.

@Yukka I have to wait. Because Bow is so small they make you wait 14 days before a second scan to confirm before they'll intervene. It's a carbon copy of last time. Brown discharge started before the scan yesterday, then tiny amounts of red. It'll do this for the next two weeks but when I'm scanned it'll all still be there. I've already said I want Mife and miso this time, I'm not messing around with just miso alone after what happened before.

I just feel broken. I'd believed them when they said it was just bad luck the first time, trusted them when they said don't take baby aspirin, and yet here I am, in exactly the same position. 1% chance of MMC is just rubbish, absolutely not true. I'm the evidence. If it was different this time then I could rationalise it but bow is 1.1mm bigger than bean-that's a single days growth. It's not bad luck. My body is killing my babies and I don't know why.

@laney79, Oh my love I’m so sorry. Please try not to be angry at your body, it’s just doing the best it can. Every time you get pregnant you throw combinations of hormones together and hoping there are no defects in any of them. Then there could be implantation or blood flow issues, some causes can be ruled out but many are just down to luck- listeria, toxoplasmosis, utis... it’s amazing the human race continues at all.

Many women have huge families and no MCs whereas some women like us suffer many and no-one can tell us why. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss but it’s no comfort when you feel like the one who is always coming up short.

Further testing may help you but counselling certainly would. All of us on this thread have been angry at our bodies and frustrated with the world but please don’t blame yourself. You are beautiful and strong. Everything you are feeling is totally normal and we are all here with the biggest of hugs at this awful time.

*meant combination of chromosomes not hormones. Although those are a bitch too!

@Laney79 , so sad to read your news! Words are failing me! Life it's just unfair! Please be kind to yourself!

@Laney79 it's so sad, I'm so sorry. The stats don't help when you're the exception - they can predict the population not you. That doesn't help when you're the 1%. Big hugs.

@Boboelephant I had fertility tests privately before the first MC due to length of time trying ( DH has a medical condition that can affect sperm). They were normal but that's now a year ago. I went back for a chat recently after the ectopic and was told to hang on, I'm 'young and extremely fertile'. I mean, the stats don't bear that out, 18months after my coil came out and no baby, but hey I'm hanging onto anything I can (and DH has said no to any treatment until after Xmas, as problem no longer seems to be getting pregnant thanks to clearblue but it staying or being in the right place, which IVF won't change). I found this reassurance surprisingly helpful. I hope they help you tomorrow, will be thinking of you.

@laney79 when you feel ready I would push for tests even if to rule anything out. Knowing that chromosome defects are most likely the cause is true and hard but I was so surprised to have a potential diagnosis you just don’t know. Maybe Bow might pass naturally with less intervention than last time. Try to rest, take time off to recover. You’re not end of your journey yet xxxx

Welcome @Clumsykitten, hope you're okay.

@Boboelephant best of luck for tomorrow, I hope they can give you some renewed hope. I'm CD23 and 10DPO today, AF due on Monday or Tuesday, really trying not to test until AF is late. However I'm going to an event this weekend which will involve alcohol so I would like to know before then. Temp wise I had a big dip at 5DPO but I think that might be too early to be implantation, plus my temps haven't risen compared to pre-dip. Not sure what to think about it all! What do you think?

@strawberrye there is a second oestrogen surge that also causes a temp dip, doesn’t seem to link to pregnancy or not. But it could have been implantation....:)

@Laney79 I've followed you over from the other board. I don't know if this is any consolation. I lost both my previous pregnancies to early mc. Unfortunately it's something that does happen and people don't talk about it. In real life I've discovered several people I know have had miscarriages and one had 2 before she carried two to term. I suppose what I'm saying is don't give up. There is positivity here in that you can conceive. For me this was a huge relief, but doesn't make the mc any less of a big deal. You will eventually heal physically and mentally.

The second really took it out of me for a good month. It was heart wrending. I can really sympathise with being so cross with everything and be unable to do anything. My dr (a private consultant at £250!!!) told me he'd seen the HB the day it started to mc. Bull. I was so angry and so upset and so so disbelieving that I could possibly be in that unlucky group. I'm not especially emotionally ready to go through this again, but what is perhaps slightly interesting is I'm much more emotionally detached than I thought I would be. Cycle one after mc I thought I'd conceived and I was hysterical because I didn't want it. Cycle 2 I decided a few days before AF that we'd leave it 6 months so I could recover but this was a bit of a surprise. I'm not saying it's easy but I think 2 MCs throws you in to a sort of protective mind space that's mostly practical and not very emotional.

There is very little the NHS will do for you unless you hit 3 miscarriages it seems. The GP might talk to you but frustratingly it seemed to me unless I have the third I'm a second class citizen as far as tests go. I hope you are able to prompt them in to taking some action. I would go in strong on the age front.

When you are ready to try again, keep in mind that your third pregnancy is still considered to have the standard 25% chance of miscarriage - no greater, and that just because you have two you are not guaranteed a third. It's truly awful and you will have to really make an effort to calm yourself but I do very much wish you all the best. The way I have managed to keep some of my sanity is to push for blood tests to watch hcg rising. If it rising the embryo/fetus is developing normally. It's more reliable that watching lines on pee sticks and cheaper than repeated scans - perhaps more reliable too. I'd highly recommend this and the Drs seem to be quite obliging in arranging this.

I don't know if this helps. Nothing anyone said helped me. The only thing that helped me was duvet and copious Ben and Jerry's

@Boboelephant fingers crossed tomorrow xx

I inverted pic from this morning test line appeared after time but does a evap line show when u invert? Am going to try and wait a few days probably not possible! As have a variety of test now but no frer as couldn't find!

@Yukka yes I had read about that, I do normally have a bit of a dip around 3-4DPO but never as marked as this and never below the cover line. I think you're probably right about the oestrogen though. Time will tell!

@laney79 I'm so sorry to read your news. A second mc is just terrible. You just never imagine you'll be in club no.1 let alone club no.2 do you? It's no consolation but you are not alone. Lots of us here know how you feel and will support you every step of the way in our own penguin huddle. Do push for tests, I've been referred after 2 mc instead of 3 because of a sort of loophole around dates. Definitely worth asking your gp. Though all the gps I've seen have also stressed that in all likelihood it is just bad luck which is itself hard to hear because, if you're like me, you want a reason so you can change the outcome. Keep fighting but also make room for the emotions to well up over you. It's so important to allow yourself to feel however you need to feel. Sending you lots of hugs.

I have been absent for a while but just checking back through.

@Laney79 I am so so sorry to hear your news. Absolutely heartbreaking. I'm thinking of you xxx

I hope others are doing ok? I haven't caught up at all. Wishing you all strength and hope. I'll try and catch up over the next few days.

I've been thinking about you all but trying not to think about my MC and TTC so have been taking time away.