TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 25 BFPs for all!

[strawberrye]

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Another new thread! This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

strawberrye
Age 27
TTC #1
MC#1 5-6 weeks January 2018
MC#2 5 weeks April 2018
TTC since October 2017
Cycle 5 TTC since most recent MC, cycle 11 TTC overall

@boboelephant checking in on you today as I think af is due..... hope your feeling ok...?

Came back from weekend away to find my blood results waiting and I’ve tested positive for Hughes syndrome/aps syndrome. It means my blood clots and can prevent implantation or later clots the veins feeding the placenta causing bean to die. Need more bloods in 4weeks to confirm so if it’s true I will probably move threads too. Quite shocked as wasn’t expecting them to find anything. Af due tomo in some ways hoping she arrives as doing this without heparin injections would highly likely mean another loss. Don’t feel preggers in the slightest today so let’s see.

Anyone else had this diagnosis? I gather it’s quite rare but is now a standard test for recurrent mc.

Hope everyone else doing ok. Sorry to see a few new joiners here xxx

@Yukka sorry to hear about the diagnosis lovely. But I guess they'll now be able to try and counteract the problem with aspirin/heparin as you say? I'm sure I read someone on one of the threads saying they had the same issue but the treatment had worked for them (was back in March April though when I was searching for answers about my MMC). Big hugs

Thanks @laney79 I think I saw that too. I’ll do a bit of searching. On the flip side at least I’m not just ‘old’ whilst it’s never good to have a diagnosis it is treatable, I can’t treat my age....

How are you doing hun? Are you scanning this week? Xx

@Yukka ha-know what you mean about the "old" thing! Yes, scan on weds morning -should be 8+6 then. Honestly bricking it after the MMC. But at least this time it's at the EPAU, so if it's bad news I won't have to be referred like last time. I feel different this time-boobs still big, still really tired and it may be in my head but my Tum seems a bit bigger than usual but we'll see. Got an appt on Tuesday arvo with the consultant birth options clinic too. Petrified he'll dismiss my request for a c-section. We'll see. Fingers crossed they can get your meds sorted ASAP xxx

@yukka sorry for the diagnosis but hopefully as you say it is something which can be treated and will give you your rainbow baby soon.

@laney79 goodluck for Wednesday got everything crossed for you x

@blondecat thank you xx

@laney79 sounds like you’re progressing well my tum was deff bigger when I got to 9weeks and was tightening up. Look forward to hearing on Wednesday, good luck xxx

@Yukka I'm sorry to hear that - I hope it's manageable and that with the right help available to you in knowing that you get your little miracle!

@Boboelephant thinking of you also - was sad to read your message a few days ago and join the others in selfishly hoping you'll stick around but hoping either way you find a group that can offer you as much support and advice as you've been able to impart to us. You deserve to be looked after!

I am sorry I seem to just always be asking advice but any thoughts would be appreciated. Had Ollie april24 and he died may 6. Only had first perio d since august 20 . At cd19 I had small amount brown in cm nothing else, cd 21 had crampie feeling, to be honest eating very little ( except weekend!) as trying to loose baby pouch as depressing baby pouch and no baby.... cd27 -ve hpt, cd 28 get a cold ( I was downing cough mixture last year and thought oh I better check if prey and I was) cervix low and firm, v sensitive nipples, cd 29 first thing blood dark red so thought hey bang on schedule but then now cervix higher softer and cream cm not a lot but no blood, and weeing a lot. I know just hoping despitatly , is there any hope ? Xxxx and sorry asking stupid questions again!

@Angelbabyollie there's only one way to find out... I had what I thought was AF which turned out to be implantation bleed at around CD22 (ish) with all 3 pregnancy's I've had implantation bleeds. Not everyone gets them. CM then turns creamy.

Hi ladies, sorry to see so many new faces.

I’ve not posted for a while as we weren’t actually ttc, we were going to wait for our appt at rmc but just had the letter and it’s not till the end of jan! Can’t not do anything for 4 months so we’re going to try. It took us 4 months last time so chances are we’ll still be ttc in jan but at least we’ve tried.

Today is my due date for mc1. I thought I was doing ok but today has really hit me so I’ve taken a sick day and I’m just watching tv in bed. I can’t face the world today- not without crying at least.

@rdm10 I know that feeling.

@rdm10 I nearly did the same today. Hope you’re feeling better. I’m about to force myself round a 5k but deff plan to have a duvet day on Saturday with lots of treats xxx

@rdm10 rubbish that your appointments are so far away. Fingers crossed you catch before then and don't need it! Big hug on the birthday of mini-rdm10. My heart goes out to you today and hope you've managed to find some comfort in a cosy tv duvet day to yourself.

@Yukka way to go on the 5k!! Hope you enjoyed it. Are you training for an event?

@hellotoyellow congrats on the static smiley. Fingers and toes crossed for you. It's totally understandable having mixed feelings about trying again after everything you've been through, but I really hope you get a sticky bean soon. xxx

@Yukka I'm sorry you've got Hughes syndrome, but I'm pleased for you that you've had a diagnosis. It's better to know than not too, as you can look in to treatment options now and it might feel helpful having a possible reason named for MC? I really hope you can get some effective treatment underway to avoid any problems with your next little bean. Huge hugs because being diagnosed with anything can be very emotional and quite a shock. How are you feeling? xxx

@Laney79 Thinking of you for Wednesday. xxx

@Angelbabyollie as Kisses4u said, there's only one way to find out. Have you tested already? When do you plan to?

@rdm10 sending massive penguin cuddles. You did the right thing taking the day off. I hope you're ok. 4 months is a looooong wait, so I don't blame you for trying before that. Best of luck to you xxx

Thanks @doddlebobs and @knit kitty not training for anything just helps to burn off my emotions! And a got pb tonight at 29mins havent had that in ages!

I’m mixed about the diagnosis, they still need another test to confirm. And it does lead to a complicated future pregnancy, but with treatable risk. I’m a very practical person so I’ll take it one day/ one week at a time.

Actually most important is to look after my emotional and mental well-being. Even if they confirm Hughes, I am still 39 so my eggs are still old and I could still have chromosome defects so I don’t feel out of the woods, but I do feel things are progressing which helps me focus.

It’s the old Serenity prayer .... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know difference.

Hit send too soon. Hope you are both ok too. I need to catch up on the thread fully for everyone xxx thanks for looking after me 😇 xx

Hey lovelies. Still here and loved all your kind messages. I had a bumper response and then accidently deleted it! 😫 so I'm sorry if i don't mention your name but I appreciate you all understanding especially as I know some of you have been on here almost as long as me. I don't want to leave the thread, just think I need to not be such a huge presence and shift my focus a bit. I think because it's been 9 months without a sniff of a bfp and it took a year after EP to fall with the MMC it just seems like such a long journey. Whilst I'm really happy for everyone, the recent spate of bfps for new joiners made me feel like a bit of a failure. I know this was more to do with my own stuff as I realised it's been 2 years of trying and my hormones as AF arrived on Sat but just been feeling a bit shit! Hugs to all of you!
@hayleyfx I hope your telephone appt went ok.
@Yukka I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis but I hope this means they can treat you for it now and it will result in a baby.
@rdm10 sending hugs for today. Anniversaries are hard. Glad you're taking care of.
@Laney79 fx for a good scan!
@Lilimum4 great news that bubs is well.
@KnitKitty, @doddlebobs, @Mistymeow, @strawberrye, @InDreamland hugs to you all.
@PandorasMum I've had an ectopic rupture too and am also 35. My story hasn't been too positive since unfortunately but I did fall pregnant again 11 months later. It sadly ended in MMC but that was unrelated bad luck and was not an ectopic. The high repeat rate for EP's are actually when they salvage the tube rather than remove it as you have all the scar tissue. There isn't much more chance of having another one if they removed the tube and as the egg can travel across sides, your fertility drops to about 70% rather than 50%. I know how scary it is. I had a very traumatic experience and was told I should have died, but if you want another child I say go for it. I truly believe falling pregnant might take a bit longer but it's highly unlikely to have another EP.

Thanks @strawberrye.

@KnitKitty IVF was offered as an option before I got pregnant but I'm a practising Catholic so IVF isn't really an option for us. I really hope that we can get pregnant again and soon.

@Boboelephant glad you'll stick around. I can understand the feelings of failure - I've felt like one for 5 years, well 4 years as the first year of TTC I was kinda thinking it can take a year anyway. I've found the only way I've been able to 'cope' is to withdraw from social media or unfollow certain people so get you wanting to be less active here.

I've found the last couple of weeks realy difficult, feeling really tearful and last couple of days cried a fair bit. Think I'm hormonal as AF still here but definitely lighter than pre-pregnancy. I can't stop thinking about my lost little bean. I've ordered a candle to burn for baby loss awareness week.

Morning ladies, I woke up to this lovely rainbow this morning, hoping it's a sign! I went to the guilty feminist live show last night and it was brilliant! Not sure if any GF fans on here? I asked Deborah to do a GF based on fertility as it is so little talked about in the open and I think it would be such a feminist act to do a podcast on it. Anyway, it's a comedy podcast and I would thoroughly recommend if anyone hasn't heard it.

@Boboelephant I'm sorry again it's been such a long and shit road for you, and for AF this weekend. Did you say you had an appointment to go private this month?

Hi all, I've been really quiet on this last couple of threads have been reading though but it does move so quickly, I've been having really bad pains and it's felt like my period was coming but nothing and now 8 days late I've done a test to clear it in my mind and it's comeback positive now all I'm doing is sat crying thinking this is exactly how it started last time all pains ignored by the doctor only for a private scan to tell me there was no heartbeat I just don't know what to do I should be happy as it would have been my due date next week but all I can do is cry

@Lovewinemorethanhusband I'm sorry you feel so sad. I know the feeling very well as I too thought I would be happy but all do is worry. You really need to speak to your doctor about how you are feeling failing that can you call your epu and chat with your midwife.

Hello everyone.

I've fallen off again and struggle to keep up.

@Lovewinemorethanhusband I feel like the only thing in the world which would make me happy right now is to be pregnant. But I completely understand your fears and sadness. It will never be the same and the anxiety will be ten fold. Be gentle to yourself and do speak to your Dr xxx

@InDreamland I really respect your faith in your beliefs. So sorry you've been feeling low and finding things hard. Are there any other options you can explore?

@Boboelephant I can definitively relate. It's great you've decided to stick around but I do understand wanting to shift your focus. I'm sorry it's been such a long and rough road for you. Life can be so cruel sometimes.

I have been feeling pretty down lately (think I'm only just starting to process the emotional/mental side of my miscarriage, was so focused on the physical) and I have had a dreadful weekend which has amplified things so much that I am now signed off work again

Will try and cut a long story short - my sister -who was the first person I saw after finding out at the scan, who came to the hospital with me, who I have confided in lately about how crap I'm feeling and how shitty a recent family pregnancy announcement made me feel - decided it would be a good idea to invite two friends, a couple we both know and are close to, to my parents 40th wedding anniversary party on Saturday. I have known the guy since school, his girlfriend is one of her close friends. They have been together a few years, engaged but as I understand have had money problems and were focusing on saving for a bigger flat rather than renting. We haven't seen each other in a few months but we message and share photos and news etc regularly. Anyway, I digress. When this couple arrived I was standing in a room full of my relatives and family friends. My sister led the couple in to the room so that the guy came in first. When they got to the doorway he and my sister parted with a big "Ta-dah!" and he shouted out "We have news!" He and my sister parted to reveal the girlfriend to the entire room, waving their hands to her small, but perfectly formed and unmissable, pregnancy bump. I have no idea how I managed to hug and congratulate them because I then fled from the room in tears in full view of everyone at the party. I am so embarrassed as I basically had a panic attack and left not long after. My sister told me she told them but they still wanted to surprise me so she helped them! She has also since the party accused me of being a drama queen, being selfish and "ruining my parents party" and being "unable to be happy for anyone else." I am not only hurt because any new pregnancy is a sting right now, but I am also hurt by the way they did it and the fact that my sister had a hand in it knowing full well what I have been through (just six weeks ago!). I not only feel all the usual pregnancy announcement jealousy/sadness emotions, but I also feel so hurt someone I trusted let me down so badly. I am mortified everyone saw me break down and mortified that everyone thinks I left because I'm a horrible jealous cow when it's so much more complex than that. With friends and family like that eh?!?!

@SuperSharpShooter82 your reaction was totally legit. That was outrageous on the part of your sister however in her defence (and let's face it she's on f---ing thin ground here) perhaps she hasn't personally been through an mc and therefore doesn't "get" it. I really feel only another woman who has had an mc understands what it's like and even then individual experiences are varied. I'm embarrassed that your sister made such a massive blunder. It's hard how to imagine how she could think that was a wise move. Try not to be toooo hurt by her actions because...I feel know one could make that move intentionally. She must not understand. She sounds utterly immature and one day she may utterly regret how she's dealt with this situation.

You assume they think badly of you, but in that room there will be women who have had MCs, women who will have MCs and look back at it one day and understand, people who didn't see it and don't care...

But the most important thing here is you. If you want to explain yourself to those friends, do it in an email or text. If you want to explain to your sister, maybe write to her too and explain why you reacted badly but try not to directly blame her. Take some time, chill with a blanket, treat yourself well. none of that was your fault and it was a totally retarded situation. Sorry you've gone through that on top of everything else x

@SuperSharpShooter I'm so sorry, people can be so awful sometimes. My mum told me the other day I just needed to stop being so career focused and have a baby... She knows about the ectopic. I think people who this hasn't happened to just don't get it.

@Lovewinemorethanhusband I'm sorry you're feeling like this, but congratulations. It's tricky these first few weeks but hold on to the possibility it won't happen again. Can you speak directly to an EPU for an early scan?

@strawberry I love the GF and have been about 10 times! Used to be easier to get tickets... Have you heard her talking about her own fertility struggles? The stuff on her BBC show 'deborah Frances white rolls the dice' is VG.

@boboelephant sorry it's been such a long, hard road. I can relate a little (it's been 18 months TTC now) but have found fertility doctors in particular quite encouraging. It is hard when life feels a bit on hold.

@indreamland I am also off social media this month and have seen a dramatic improvement in my mental health!

I'm in the TWW now and have just packed six FRERs for my holiday next week - going somewhere small rural where people know me so I can't buy any. I arrive back the day AF is due so I don't need them. Guess I'm not as chilled about this cycle as I thought.

@SuperSharpShooter82 oh dear, I'm very sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like your sister doesn't truly understand the significance of this loss. I find it hard to be around people who can't put themselves in my shoes. My mum hasn't suffered a miscarriage, but she always says to me you will never forget this loss, it will always be there, but you will have a baby- I'm sure of it. I found that comforting. Can you sit your sister down and talk to her? I have to say I do blame the majority of the media which totally misrepresents miscarriage, where we are encourage to keep quiet before 12 weeks. Why? So we can be totally alone with our grief, almost ashamed, when things don't work out? Sorry, the attitude towards pregnancy loss really gets to me.

@Yukka sorry to hear about your diagnosis. How are you feeling?

@InDreamland Apologies if you have already said, but have you had any investigations? I've been trying for 2 years so I understand how disheartening it is to finally conceive, and then suffer the heartbreak of a missed miscarriage. But you did conceive- this is what I cling to! We aren't keen on going down the IVF route because it is super stressful, but we may get referred. Seeing the GP next week.

@Lovewinemorethanhusband sorry you are so upset. I'd like to congratulate you and wish you all the luck in the world! I think we will all feel like that when we fall pregnant again, it's a completely natural response (and possibly hormones making you feel worse). I'm not sure how I can reassure you because I think I would be the same, but I guess try to rationalise- pains in early pregnancy are really common, 3 out of 4 pregnancies are successful, the odds are in your favour. If it's causing you a lot of emotional distress please do call up the helpline at the miscarriage association or Tommy's. I bet they will help :)

@boboelephant Nice to see you, pal! Hope you're holding up. Do lean on us :) I don't think I've even got a shot at pregnancy until next year so I get it x