TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 25 BFPs for all!

[strawberrye]

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Another new thread! This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

strawberrye
Age 27
TTC #1
MC#1 5-6 weeks January 2018
MC#2 5 weeks April 2018
TTC since October 2017
Cycle 5 TTC since most recent MC, cycle 11 TTC overall

@Lovewinemorethanhusband congratulations, I know it is so hard to be happy and not massively anxious but try the affirmation "today I am pregnant".

@SuperSharpShooter82 I agree all I want is to be pregnant. I guess there is anxiety at every stage, and at the moment for us is will be ever get pregnant again. That sounds really difficult with your family and I'm sorry they've been insensitive.

@hellotoyellow yay hello fellow guilty feminist! This was my first live show but I have listened to podcasts 1-82 so I adore her. Will look that up - sounds helpful. Fingers crossed for your TWW and I hope you have a lovely trip

@Mistymeow good luck with your GP appointment next week, I hope you get whatever outcome you are hoping for.

8DPO here and trying desperately not to symptom spot. I wish there was an "off" button in my head for TTC related stuff!

Thanks @strawberrye I'm also 8 dpo and I have the usual cramps that I feel every month since mmc. Fingers crossed for you! I know there isn't much hope for me but can't help thinking there might be a chance, however slim.

@strawberrye, @hellotoyellow and @mistymeow fx this is your month and you get that BFP and it sticks.

@mistymeow we've had the NHS investigations and all came back clear. Looking into private now for tests NHS don't do.

@SuperSharpShooter82 OMFG I really hope your sister just had a momentary lapse in judgment. TBH if it was me I'd have reacted the same. You need to take all the time you need to heal from this emotionally, it's still very raw. 9 weeks on and I still feel like I've been stabbed in thw heart and feel sick every time I see anyone pregnant or a pram which is a very regular occurrence given I travel on the tube to work. That was a really really bad call on your sister and friends part and hopefully they will eventually understandand feel really terrible for it. I do believe that unless someone has been through the same experience they won't really 'get it'. My mum said stuff that really upset me after my mc but she doesn't understand because she never had the misfortune of losing a baby and taking 5 years to get pregnant. Even those who have experienced loss react differently or if a long long time ago may have forgotten - then say unhelpful things too.

@lovewinemorethanhusband congratulations. It's natural to feel this way after a loss. Do speak to GP/midwife. Fx all is well.

Any one a pro with CB advanced digital (the purple one?) I've been using cheapies and had hoped to check with my leftover purple sticks and reader. So Saturday I get a 'maybe' OPK so try again (same pee cup) with the CB, it's a big fat O. Sunday and Monday are the same - opk is very close to positive if not positive, CB still O. Cheapies back to totally negative today. Here's the thing - My charts also look like ovulation probably Saturday.

Do the purple sticks somehow need a pre-ovulation baseline? Meaning when I tested around ov it couldn't pick up? I did similar last month but using pink sticks and got a first attempt following positive opk!

Chart attached for those that enjoy the bar sort of thing!

@lovewinemorethanhusband congratulations and massive hand hold I think we will all be in the same boat when our time comes. I had cramps first time around as did all of the other ladies in my pregnancy thread group only two of us had a mc the rest are all still gong strong from what I can see (don't look too often as too upsetting to see where I would have been). As others have said speak to a professional if you need support

@doddlebobs you need to start using the CB advanced sticks earlier in your cycle, the first one is always low fertility as it gets used to your personal levels of oestrogen and LH. You get here flashy smiley when your oestrogen is rising then the permanent smiley at the LH surge. If you only test right near ovulation it doesn't get a chance to judge the trends in your hormones. Hope that makes sense?

Got ya @strawberrye - was hoping to use them as verification rather than 'properly' but perhaps that won't work after all! Thanks for the info!

@Boboelephant I just did the same thing, started writing a post and deleted it by accident. D'oh! I'm sending you big hugs. Patience is a long and lonely road, but I am still adamant that your journey is going to have a happy ending. Stay strong lovely lady. xxx

@InDreamland I understand. Do you find solace in your faith during these difficult times? I'm not religious but I was having a particularly bad day last week and popped in to a church to light a candle for my MC baby. It helped a bit. Hope you start to feel better soon. xxx

@strawberry I hope the rainbow was a good omen for you! Not heard of the podcast but will definitely take a look. Fingers crossed for your TWW. It does drag, doesn't it?

@Lovewinemorethanhusband tentative congratulations lovely. As others have said, pains aren't necessarily a bad thing (what kind of pains are they?), but I totally understand fear being your over-riding emotion right now. Try to just take each day as it comes until things are less scary. You're also probably feeling a lot more emotional because of your hormones, which isn't going to help matters at all. Look after yourself and as others have already said, talk to your doctor about how you're doing emotionally.

@SuperSharpShooter82 Massive penguin huddle cuddles. I can't really add to what others have said other than my utter disbelief at the insensitivity of your family and friends! I think we would all have reacted the same way as you. If I were you I would email your sister with a link to this:
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Someone-You-Know.pdf
And write something along the lines of:
"Your words about my reaction to the other night really hurt me and I realise that you haven't fully understood the impact that miscarriage has had on me. Please read through this leaflet to help you understand that my reaction wasn't anything personal against you or your friends but a normal reaction after having gone through what I have recently. At the moment I really need some support and understanding so I would really appreciate you taking the time to read this through. Thank you."
I would personally email rather than do this face-to-face so you can word it exactly how you want to, but talk to her face-to-face if you'd prefer to.
Have your parents talked to you since hun?

@hellotoyellow Are you planning on testing every day on the run-up to AF? I hope you have a lovely break. Hopefully it'll take your mind off things.

@Mistymeow fingers crossed for a little miracle for you this TWW too.

@KnitKitty hey sorry for late reply!
Im still waiting for my af, i had bfns.
She feels imminent which i hope id true.
This cycle and last have been 43days! So no my cycles have not gone back to normal. Previous cycles post mc were 30-36.
However due to have the coil and falling pregnant soon after removal, i cant remember what my cycles were like before!
It also seems im having 2surges, meaning im missing ovulation!! Because i dont use opks after the first surge. I did try temping but struggled due to sleep patterns etc.
Anyone know much about more than one surge in a cycle 🤷🏻‍♀️
How are you??

@YellowDaffodils86 the two surges thing sounds difficult. Did you notice a temperature rise after the first or was it just positive opks?

@KnitKitty I'd be lying if I didn't say that this has really tested my faith. It's left me questioning a lot bit time I'm sure will present me with answers. Someone from church a few years ago once said to me that God never sends you anything you cannot handle, therefore the strongest people get some very hard things to cope with. I light a candle every Sunday since I went back to church after losing my baby but it brings tears to my eyes every time but I do feel something when I do. Feelings I can't really describe. Support from those at church who know about the MC has been brilliant, they understand the pain and grief. Sorry you were having a bad day, it's dreadful isn't it, in those moments when you feel alone in grief. Glad lighting a candle helped though.

Does anyone have experience of Asda £1 test ? I just did one 30 mins ago and test line came up straight away yay! Got home and did cheapie strip and nothing- but forced a little wee !!!!! Probably not enough concentration so soon but have orangey blood - it's cd 31 and cd 29 started spotting but not enough and haven't used pads or anything, I really hope this is my rainbow xx

@knitkitty Thank you. I'm hoping not to test at all except the day before AF is due, but I thought having a few would provide some backup (I really don't want to have to go to a pharmacy and buy one, everyone in the village would know). On the MMC I got a positive test at 9dpo. I guess the other thing is there will be plenty of alcohol but hopefully not much drinking of it by me.

@InDreamland I'm also Catholic but not as observant. We have had a horrendous year (other family bereavements) and I've really hung onto the church; it's lovely to be able to move into a space where your loss can be represented and such a refuge from the outside. In some ways it has made my faith stronger and I have definitely found solace in the structure for bereavement the church provides. I hope this is helping you.

@doddlebobs I used a new kit this month and got a static smiley on a purple test (dual hormone) on the first day of trying, so that is possible - maybe you literally just missed the surge?

Sadly marking my place ready for a few weeks time. Scan at what should e been 8+6. Baby measures 4mm and no blood flow or heartbeat. Second MMC. Heartbroken. Gotta wait two weeks for confirmation before any treatment. I hate my body.

Oh @Laney79 hugs to you, what an awful shock. I really really hope your dates are just a bit out and that in 2 weeks you get fantastic news. I'm sorry you have to wait to find out, that's just horrendous. I prescribe sofa, duvet and mindless box sets. Can your partner stay home with you? Big love my friend, i know there's nothing we can say to actually help the situation but know that we're here offering love and advice xx

@Laney79 I am so terribly sorry to hear your sad news. Do you have your partner with you to look after you? My heart literally sank when I read your post. I really hope you have someone to look after you over the next few weeks and that you are not alone. You've always got the penguin ladies looking out for you xx

Oh @Laney79 I'm so, so sorry. I don't mean to give you false hope but is there anyway your dates could be out as @doddlebobs said? I hope so. It's simply not fair what you are going through and I know nothing I say can help you right now. Life is a bitch sometimes and I'm sorry you've been dealt this worry for a second time. We are all here and we do understand the pain and anxiety you're feeling. Please keep posting and talking to people - do you have good RL support? Above all be gentle to yourself xxx

Speaking of RL support, I am currently in the process of trying to arrange some counselling sessions. I have been signed off work again and I really feel like this time I need to address it and talk about what I'm feeling and admit to how I am struggling. Luckily my work offers private healthcare and I can arrange a certain amount of sessions as part of this. Has anyone else done this or spoken to anyone 'professional'? Is it worth it? I really don't feel I have any decent support in my family after the weekend and my friends are good but they are busy with their own lives.

@YellowDaffodils86 That sucks. Maybe your body is still trying to sort a rhythm out. I hope your next cycle is shorter. I'm doing ok thanks.

@InDreamland of course; it would test anyone. I think what that person said is a nice way of looking at it. You are strong. Having a support network is really good.

@hellotoyellow I hope you're distracted enough by relaxing not to want to test too early then. Stay strong! Sit on your hands! haha

@Angelbabyollie how confusing! Have you got any FRERs? Fingers and toes firmly crossed for you!

@Laney79 Enormous squishy supportive warm huddle penguin cuddles. I am so sorry. I was so hopeful for you too, I just don't know what to say. Please look after yourself sweetheart and take all the time you need to process this.

SuperSharpShooter82 I'm glad you've got more time off work and that you're looking in to talking to someone. It can really help you process things and start to heal mentally. Hopefully it allow you to get back on track a little bit. Looking back I wish I'd allowed myself more time off work to deal with everything. You're absolutely doing the right thing.

@Angelbabyollie yes definitely get a FRER as knitknitty says! I have everything crossed.

@InDreamland I'm glad you have good people around you and sounds like you have some positive moves planned with the fertility tests. I hope there is a treatment available that can assist with your fertility. It's not an easy journey but you are doing all the right things.

I had my progesterone test yesterday and a missed call from the GP. I got myself all worked up overnight thinking it was bad news but turns out it was to let me know that everything was normal and he's referring us to UCL reproduction medicine unit (which was our choice of hospital). Feeling relieved.

@Laney79 I am so, so sorry. Like someone else said heart sank for you when I read your news. That is so shit and unfair. I don't know what else to say other than look after yourself x

Hello, may I still join in, even though it is a long way since page 1 of this thread?
Going crazy at the moment, the short version of the past 4 years is: 6 pregnancies, 1 DC. 2 MCs, 2MMCs, all between 6 and 9 weeks, then DC- tricky pregnancy with premature but now very healthy toddler; and just had another MMC at 11 weeks in August, after a perfect scan and heartbeat at 10 weeks- so that was a shock. As medications are involved which give me horrible side effects and I cannot use them for ever, at the moment we are considering whether we should give it one more try (next cycle) or just give up for good and be done with all the heartache and confusion and nerves and dissapointment (but possibly miss out on a healthy pregnancy and baby)

I apologise I have not read all of the thread, only the first few and last few pages but am shocked by what your sister did SuperSharpShooter82, that was plain nasty. I find coping with other women's pregnancies ok now but I would have broken down at that spectacle. How utterly inconsiderate! I am raging on your behalf. Re talking to professionals, I have had one session with NHS referral and it was not helpful; or it may be, morel likely, I was not ready to talk then.

laney79 I don't know your TTC story but I am so sorry, it's heartbreaking every time. Hope 3rd time is lucky for you and will happen soon.

Also fingers crossed for everyone on the thread, we truly deserve to get to our happy ends on this journey (cheesy or what?)

I don't post here that often any more but I'm still lurking in the background. I just wanted to say, @laney79 I'm so very sorry to hear your news. Look after yourself and get as much RL support as you can over the next few weeks xxx

Thanks for all the advice. I tested on Sunday and it was negative so dr asked me to test again. I did and it was also negative. Finally I’m feeling back to normal! So I’m currently on CD10, OPK’s are slowly getting stronger which is encouraging. We’re not stressing about trying this month, just dtd when we feel like it but still tracking my cycle. So if it happens brilliant, if not then we’ll try properly next month. My mind is pretty occupied anyway as I’m starting a new job next week!!

@Laney79 oh hun I’m so so sorry. One loss is hard enough but the second just feels so bloody unfair, I understand. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I know there isn’t. All I can say is that we’re all here for you whenever you need to talk. I felt the same after losing Charlie, angry at my body, at everything. It’s totally normal. Sending hugs, you’re in my thoughts ❤️

@Sixorseven I’m so sorry for your losses, sounds like you have been through so much. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and we’ll support you through it all! You’re definitely right about everyone here deserving healthy babies, such a lovely group of ladies!

@Lilimum4 I’m so glad your bub is doing well! What a relief for you. Hope you feel a bit more relaxed now. Fingers crossed the rest of your pregnancy is less stressful! X

Thanks everyone. I'm just sat crying and staring into space. OH outside taking revenge on Mother Nature with pruning shears.

@doddlebobs @SuperSharpShooter82 sadly I don't think there's any hope. Dates as follows: LMP 19/7. Positive opk 31/7 and the last time we made love (because we were too scared to invade it caused a problem) was 11/8. Got strong positive on frer 16/8 and normal test couple of days later. So I can't see anyway my dates are out. At 4.2mm there should really be a heartbeat too-that's 6 weeks. And sonographer said no blood flow either. VV similar to last one (3.1mm, no heartbeat, no blood flow, detected at virtually the same point too)

I really think it's too much of a coincidence. I feel there's something wrong with me and at 39 I don't have time to mess about, and wait for it to happen again so I can get referred to the RMC. That said I'm not sure I'm strong enough To go through this again. I've got to wait two weeks for a confirmation scan before any intervention. I truly despise my body, useless hateful thing.

@Laney79 I am so, so sorry. Big penguin hugs. It is so horrendous to lose two in a row. Be kind to yourself. The waiting is just horrible.

@sixorseven so sorry to hear your story, plenty of support here. That sounds like such a tricky decision to make.

@SuperSharpShooter82 I see a therapist every week now for counselling (privately, I pay upfront). Started for something else about three months ago, although unknowingly had the ectopic at the time. I am finding it so monumentally helpful, especially for validating and rationalising particularly my feelings around failure and other people's behaviours. I would have started seeing someone in a successful pregnancy anyway (previous anxiety and depression with big life changes as my family are so weird, so DH and I agreed I would see someone around pregnancy before we started TTC). I am doing extra shifts to pay for it and it is completely worth it.

@KnitKitty yes sitting on my hands - or just getting outdoors and forgetting about it hopefully!