TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 25 BFPs for all!

[strawberrye]

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Another new thread! This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

strawberrye
Age 27
TTC #1
MC#1 5-6 weeks January 2018
MC#2 5 weeks April 2018
TTC since October 2017
Cycle 5 TTC since most recent MC, cycle 11 TTC overall

@Mistymeow thanks - excellent idea. I will track that down!

@Martydog good to hear someone else in the same boat! Hopefully see you "on the other side" but be good to stay in touch as it's feeling like it's going to be a helluva journey to 12 weeks!

@SuperSharpShooter82 I can't tell you how sad I am to see you here...I don't remember you dropping out of the March-ers before me, so maybe it was after? I lost track of everything. So sorry to hear it, but equally good to see you're on here so clearly feeling a bit stronger.

Thanks everyone else for your kindness

Hi @frankiefumbles. It was a few weeks after. I think a similar story to yours. Reassurance scan at 7 weeks was anything but, showed a heartbeat but dates were behind and measuring small. Booked a second scan as knew it wasn't right... no heartbeat. Ended up miscarrying naturally just before 10 weeks. I think it is only now hitting me. I've been very depressed the past few weeks.

Have you tested again? Did you tell your DH? How are you feeling?

@LittleLuce37 Are you doing a phased return to work or just throwing yourself back in there? All you can do is try. If it's too much, you can go home again. xxx

@frankiefumbles oh hun, huge supportive hugs. Well done for being so brave. I am going to congratulate you anyway, because I think it's important you try to see this as a positive thing, although I totally understand how the negative feelings are outweighing the positives right now. All you can do is take each day at a time and see what happens.

@hayleyfx I'm not an expert with HCG showing while/after having a period but I would have thought it might mean you still have retained products? How dark is the test? Has it got any lighter? How heavy/painful was your period?

@Mistymeow long cycles are the worst, aren't they? It just such a drag! I'm not in with a chance this month and seeing it as a brain break. But it's not a nice feeling knowing you've no chance at all. Hugs xxx

@MartyDog yep, definitely a line there! Congratulations! xxx

@Taylorsej17 I'm glad you've got first AF out of the way. I think it helps you heal more, although it isn't pleasant at all. Well done hun.
I've never used OPKs before either but am going to try them this month so will report back to you!

@InDreamland thanks, I'm doing ok.
Sorry you're feeling so shitty at the moment love. Don't lose hope, there's no evidence to say it'll take that long again.
Have you and your OH discussed other ways of having a family?
I've had gynae issues since I was 14 and have always known there's a possibility this might not happen for me naturally and so OH and I have had talks about other options. Having a back-up plan has actually helped me in my lowest moments.

@kisses4u aww hun. It's so nerve-wracking, but there's not really anything you can do to affect the outcome of your pregnancy at this stage. Try not to worry too much, they hang in there very determinedly; getting a surprise won't make it leave! xxx

@TinyPaws thinking of you at your appointment today. xxx

@keebo Huge hugs. Well done for getting through it. You're a brave and strong lady. I few years ago a lady died in the apartment building I lived in during a fire and it was a very traumatic experience and even now if I smell smoke I sometimes start to panic; but I've not had a physical memory quite like yours. It's understandable though.

@SuperSharpShooter82 Sending you hugs. xxx

@Boboelephant You've gone very quiet, how are you?

@SuperSharpShooter82 oh I am so sorry to hear it. I was in such a funk, but thankfully(?) Red and I went through it at a similar time, and she was an immense support. I haven't told her about the positive yet...I'm not sure if she's on here? I don't know whether it's a nice thing to share or might be depressing for her. Mortifying that the scan looked okay and then wasn't. Can totally sympathise with that. My intention this time is no internal early scans, no rechecking. I may get a blood test to see the hcg rising instead.

I have zero symptoms. I've got no idea when it happened because the ovulation test I did came out negative. I feel like a total #%*$# for telling people with no symptoms to thank their lucky stars (ffs what was I thinking). DH knows and is happy as do my parents but definitely not his (my last MC was my fault in their eyes because I did that long drive and rode my bike ONCE on a canal towpath ha ha bloody ha, not a chance I believe it).

I think time makes these things better, but actually I felt awful until a fortnight ago and I said at that point I didn't want to be pregnant again because I needed some time to enjoy that feeling. I'm definitely not emotionally ready for this but clearly it was my doing. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Physically you probably aren't over it yet and one day you'll wake up feeling full of beans. But the headspace, that takes time. My "first" mc would have been due in Oct, so that in itself is an uncomfortable thought. Look after yourself. It's all horrible. It takes a massive toll even with "just" an early miscarriage. I'll stop rattling on now. I'm so sorry it didn't work out that time x

Anyone else on cd 25? I am having no symptoms of anything but only had 1 period since Ollie in April , trying not to test ! Have creamy white cm and that's all!! Fingers crossed! X

Ooh fx for you @Angelbabyollie how long are your cycles normally? I don't test in generally until I'm late.

Feeling very anxious today and lay awake in bed all night worrying as my boobs have gone all soft and are not painful anymore 😔 this happened at around 5 weeks with my MC so now I'm just thinking the worst. Nothing I can do I know, just feeling terrified about having another mc at 6 weeks.
I don't want any internal scans this time. Just got to wait and see how this turns out I guess. Trying not to worry is bloody impossible 😳

@strawberrye haha bono! 😂 I do like U2!
@Blondcat sorry af showed up. Fx for next month.
@TinyPaws so sorry to hear about the hashimotos and the low AMH. Have they given you anything you can do to try and improve levels? Hope today's appt was ok.
@Mistymeow it's really frustrating. Hope the tests can give you some answers soon.
@hayleyfx sorry this sounds so confusing. I'm another one that thinks you should call your GP and get it checked out.
@InDreamland sorry af showed up but at least your post MC cycle is normal. The first one is hard so take care of yourself.
@KnitKitty sorry it looks like you had a another early loss. Lots of hugs your way. I'm ok hun, just not as active anymore. To be honest I just don't feel at the same point as everyone else anymore. I still want to see everyone get their happy endings and this thread has been such an amazing necessary support to me over the past 10 months but it feels a bit to me like I don't quite fit anymore. Perhaps I need to move onto an infertility board or something. I don't know, I'm thinking/typing aloud, I'm just very aware of a thread shift and feeling not quite here anymore. Nothing anyone has done or said, I guess these things just move on and sometimes you are just the only one still there. x

@TinyPaws I'm really sorry to hear that. My friend was diagnosed with early menopause and had really low levels of everything, and she got pregnant on her first attempt and has a healthy baby boy. I hope the doctor can give you more answers- I'm sure they can.

@Boboelephant I understand how you're feeling. I know every month the chance of falling pregnant is very low, so I'm a bit different from the rest of the lovely ladies on this thread too. I don't even know if I would fit in with the infertility board, as I've always known about DH's secondary infertility (caused by a fault in his pituitary gland). But I still feel the daily heartache of the miscarriage, and it gives me comfort knowing that I am not alone. As it still feels so lonely.

@KnitKitty, @Boboelephant & @Mistymeow Thanks for the sympathies/kind wishes.

@Boboelephant @Mistymeow I understand what you mean about not quite fitting in, I've been lurking on the infertility board but have yet to post anything! I didn't start out posting there as initially I thought my only fertility problem was the gender of my partner, however other issues have come to light since. If you did want to venture over there I'd jump in too! Maybe we should start a thread called "At Least You Can Get Pregnant" - something I've been told quite a few times which is true but also not that comforting when you don't have a baby or particularly great prospects of having one!

My appointment with the consultant went ok, he reckons I'll need a higher dose of stimulating drugs but should still be able to produce a few eggs with my current AMH level. I have requested TSH monitoring and also low dose prednisolone and he is going to discuss this with the other consultants at their next meeting. They will also discuss which IVF protocol is most suitable for me (I'm hoping they go for the short one as it's much quicker and I'm desperate to try again ASAP).

Bobo I'm still here!

Looks like I'm getting a scan a day early. I'm to go tomorrow to the epu due to lots of pain in my left side inside pelvis and doc says she can feel something like a mass. I'm so scared I don't know what to do with myself this feels like a repeat of march even the same number of weeks too. Went for pain and it was a mmc. Doc says go home and rest and sleep ( like that's gonna happen). I can't do this again. Pray for me ladies please.

@KnitKitty thank you. Yes DH and I have discussed adoption but it's not for us. We did seriously consider it but in the end didn't feel it was the right thing for us to do. I desperately want to carry and give birth to my own child and we want a baby that is part of both of us. Sorry if that sounds bratty.

@Boboelephant thanks hunni. I'm just feeling so sorry for myself at the moment. Please don't leave the thread, I know I've not been around long but would miss you on this thread. Even when you have your next baby I think we'd all still love you to sick around x

@Lilimum4 I'm so sorry! Fx for you that things are ok x

Thanks for the advice everyone! I called the doctors today and their next available appointment isn’t until next Thursday/Friday so I have to make do with a phone appointment on Monday! At least it’s something I guess. I just so hope there’s no retained products. Getting nervous now!

@KnitKitty af this time has been pretty normal, bit heavier than usual but I’ve had no cramps whatsoever, strange. I thought it would’ve been a bit heavier/sorer if it was retained products!

@Boboelephant I’m sorry you’re feeling that way but I agree with @InDreamland do whatever feels right for you but I’d definitely miss you on this thread! Although I understand how you’re feeling (kind of) I didn’t think I’d be back here again after my BFP in May so it’s hard seeing everyone move on with their bfp’s and I feel like I’m just going to keep mc’ing... so I understand 💕 however the support here is still great & everyone is so lovely. I hope this happens very soon for you, you so deserve a rainbow baby hun x

@Lilimum4 I’m so sorry, how stressful for you. I hope bub is doing perfect in there and just giving you some unnecessary stress. Pain during pregnancy is very normal especially without bleeding so try to stay calm (ridiculous advice I know) I understand how you’re feeling. I felt scared at everything when I was pregnant with Charlie, especially cramps/pain. Fingers crossed for good news 🤞 we’re all here for you x

@lilimum4 good luck today. Thinking of you and keeping everything crossed.

@frankiefumbles congratulations on your BFP and being one of the lucky few with the post-mc fertility cape!

@MartyDog congratulations to you too on your BFP, fingers crossed it's a sticky one

@hayleyfx sorry to hear about the limbo you are in. I hope you manage to find yourself distracted this weekend and that your GP refers you on to gynae after your telephone appointment so that your wait is as short as possible

@InDreamland sorry that AF got you, I can see that it has hit you really hard (understandably). Sending hugs

@Boboelephant I can understand how you are feeling a bit left behind. As lovely as it is to see a string of BFPs for people who have only recently had their MC, it acts as a reminder of how long a road our journeys are. I could understand if you need to step away but would really miss you and really want to see you get you BFP. Thinking of you, and remember some of us have been here for months and months too!

@Lilimum4 thinking of you and desperately hoping things go well today

@Anglebabyollie Fingers crossed for you. xxx

@kisses4u Hope you're OK. Stay strong.

@Boboelephant as others have already said, I selfishly want you to stick around but totally understand you needing to step back a bit. Your journey is taking longer, but I'm still confident you're going to get there. And please, please tell us on here when you get a BFP, even if you're not posting on here, or not around as much! And please pop in every once in a while. I like having you around.
I had my MC in March, and a lot of people have already come and gone since then; it feels like a lot of ladies get their rainbow really fast so it's nice to have a few of us still supporting each other months later. But I can understand the longer you're here the more it must grate on you when people graduate, I'm already feeling a bit like that myself.

@TinyPaws I'm glad the appointment went well.

@Lilimum4 Sending huge hugs. Thinking of you today. xxx

@InDreamland It doesn't sound bratty. I totally understand. Adoption isn't for everyone. It's not an easy route to parenthood. Have you looked into IVF? Was this not given to you as an option by doctors after trying so long to catch the first one? I guess now you've been pregnant they might consider you're starting from zero again. I really hope you'll catch again soon and it'll be a sticky one. Your body has done it once now, so maybe it'll understand how to do it faster next time.

Hit send too soon...

@hayleyfx How annoying that you can't be seen sooner. I'm glad you're talking to someone on Monday though. Let us know how it goes.

I did another test this morning and it was the biggest fattest no in the world, so I'm taking that as confirmation that I had another CP.
I've decided I'm not going to talk to the doctor about losing multiple pregnancies just yet, as I know this is technically my 3rd loss, but I feel like CPs are probably so common I should give it another shot or two before asking for help. I still feel somewhat hopeful I can get a sticky one, I guess? Although I am having serious doubts... Fluctuating wildly between hopeful and hopeless I suppose.

@lilimum4 I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you all the love in the world x

@tinypaws that sounds like a promising appointment. It's hard to find people that are going through the same thing (my husband's condition is very rare) but I do still feel an affinity with this thread. Yeah my GP keeps banging on about how important it was that I actually got pregnant but I suppose medically speaking he is right. And I should be positive.

@knitknitty I think you should listen to your gut reaction in that case. I really admire your strength. I hope you're feeling ok after the bfn?

Please can someone help me with my chart? Weird temps this month. Couldn't bd much as dh had a work trip. I'm trying to work out when to do my progesterone test...tuesday?

@Mistymeow I'm actually feeling OK thanks. It's strangely reassuring to see my HGC looks like it's gone back down. I was running through loads of scenarios in my head (still pregnant but having an ectopic/HCG taking ages so go down and getting in the way of trying again/somehow having HCG in my system even though not pregnant and therefore scuppering my chances...) you know what it's like when you start to over-think things. But I'm back to square one now.
I feel a bit like I've reached an emotional numbness with all the trying and failing. I almost feel like I'm getting blasé about it.
I did have a cry when I got home from work on Wednesday after having talked to the GP, but I've bounced back again.
This might sound awful, but part of me is thinking if it never happens there are positives to that. Pregnancy is difficult and worrying, and part of me is thinking at least I'll be spared all that if it doesn't happen.
I have uterus didelphys so it increases the risk of problems and I'm much higher risk of having to have a cesarean or premature birth so part of me feels like maybe I'm pushing for something that isn't the best thing to push for.

On the other hand I really, really want to have a child and carrying my own child would be so precious and I know other people have already done it successfully with the same condition. The consultant at the hospital said he sees no reason I can't have a baby but I would need extra monitoring. I think I'm burying my head in the sand to protect myself as I don't really believe it will ever happen for me. I'm just so used to things going wrong and being told bad news ever since I was 14; I don't think I'd know what to do with myself if something went right. I'd rather just continue in blissful ignorance for now. A miracle would be amazing. Others have already done it, so I just have to hope it happens for me too.
I'm rambling and probably not making any sense.
Today's focus: I can get pregnant. There's no reason I can't have a healthy baby. I can try again.

I'm sorry, I'm really no good with charts. I've never temped. But looks like your temp rose on Thursday? Would this mean you ov'd on Wednesday?

Well cd 27 no symptoms anything and did hpt just and big fat - ve 😞heart sinks and only had one period since baby Ollie. So not sure when will show

Update :
Baby is measuring 6+2 one day behind what I thought but in the right place. The pain I've been feeling is I've developed another cystic mass on my left ovary with no free fluid seen. They are re scanning in two weeks to make sure it isn't growing but baby is. So for today it's good news.

@lilimum4 that is good news about bubs.

@angelbabyollie sorry for the bfn.

Hugs to those in need.

@Lilimum4 Brilliant news about baba. Really hope the cyst diminishes, they can be really, really painful so I hope it goes away. xxx

@Lilimum4 great news about your little bubs, relieved for you. Hopefully the ovarian cyst will resolve by itself, fingers crossed.