TTC after pregnancy loss - thread 24 🐧🐧

[RedRobin7]

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

RedRobin7
Age: 29
TTC #1
MMC at 12 weeks in March 18
MC at 6 weeks in July 18
Waiting one cycle before getting back on the bus!

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Hello everyone and thank you for the new thread.

TTC#4
My baby died neonatally earlier this year. I’ve been lucky enough to get pregnant fairly quickly in the past, but I also seem to have a 50/50 rate of miscarrying. AF is due tomorrow and I had a BFN when I did an early test today.

Age: 33 (today)
TTC #1 (have been ttc for a few years, had hypothalamic amenorrhea (no periods from too much exercise) which went undiagnosed for ages. Became very sedentary in order to get pregnant and put on 15kg in the process, so hoping AF won’t do another vanishing act after this)
MMC July 2018 at 10 weeks, measured 8w3.

Feels a bit early to be posting in here as I only had my ERPC yesterday, but I’m finding reading posts from others who’ve been through this such a comfort, so here I am.

@ronniemipperton welcome to the huddle but I'm sorry you find yourself here. Sending you hugs x

Thanks @Bobzybaby x

Just catching up on the messages properly.

Hello to everyone new joining! Sorry you find yourselves here but you have found a great support here.

@Blondcat good luck for tomorrow. Totally understand the fear. Test when you feel ready to- the outcome will not change if you decide you can't face it.

@doddlebobs didn't realise just how similar our mc stories were as well. Is so strange when you're going through this stuff you feel so alone but this stuff is all unfortunately so common there is inevitably someone else going through the same at that time.

@Dyra I also work in the medical field but in imaging. Occasionally have to scan pregnant women every now and then and have found it difficult at times. Respect for you for working in that environment when going through this though. That must be really tough at times.

@KnitKitty
Ummm... TBH I'm not 100% positive where I am. My cycles have never been regular so to speak. I'm more than a little overweight and there's PCOS too. To get an idea, before my BFP, my previous AF was in December, the one before that November, the one before that in July, and I certainly wasn't pregnant then.

I've had 2 AF since the MC coming about 5 weeks apart. So assuming this going to be my regular cycle (fx), ovulation should have occurred somewhere between days14-21. So, I'm either just at the start of the 2ww or halfway through it. Assuming I ovulated at all.

Trying not to symptom spot. But I did have odd breakout of acne at the weekend. The AFs since the MC have also been accompanied with acne breakouts, but usually only a day or so before she makes her appearance. Then there's the odd twinges and aches to mull over. But then I compare it all to the few weeks where I knew I was pregnant and it seems apples and oranges and I think it's going to be a BFN again.

Hello lovely ladies- all my regulars and the newbies! I have had such a mental day at work as last one before holiday- woop woop!!- and my parents arriving so only just catching up. And trying to read and remember 6 pages from today and finally understanding when people say this thread moves fast!! 😂 I'm usually checking in 74 times a day! So I'm doing what I never do and that is replying as a general post and not to all of you individually. I'm so sorry! I promise to reply to you all as the days go on! I'm thinking of all of you even if I don't mention you here!

Check in!

Boboelephant
Age: 35
DS: 2 (almost 3)
TTC #2
I also had a very easy first pregnancy with DS and fell pregnant immediately. Fell immediately again but in Nov 16 had an ectopic rupture and lost a tube.
Tried for a year and then MMC in Dec 17.
Now on cycle 8 since MC, cycle 7 trying.
Probably the longest person on this thread- been here since thread 15! I can definitely vouch that everyone on here are amazing!!

@Mistymeow sorry af came hun. I hope we're cycle buddies again next month. Remind me what day you ovulate on usually?
@KnitKitty sending you lots of hugs. You're such a lovely inspiration, you are allowed to have your wobbles. I feel the same lately though about just letting the feelings come as it is so much better than stifling them down.
@Blondcat fingers crossed!!

Everyone else- big hugs to all!!!

@knitkitty, thank you!
Sad we’re on this thread but the support is great from all,the messages I’ve read so far! You’re all great! Th also you! And I’m learning a lot from you all.
@blondcat, fingers crossed for tomorrow! 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Thanks @Jessabean (and others). TBH I think it's sort of like exposure therapy for phobias. It was really super hard at first, but eventually it got better. I get the odd envious thought now and then and catch myself staring at bumps a lot. But now I can smile and be really happy for them, and mean it. Not quite there yet on pregnancy announcements though. They still hurt.

Our time is coming though ladies.

I’m sorry for your loss @ronniemipperton and I hope your physical recovery from your ERPC is going as well as it can.

Thanks @Boboelephant hopefully am in right place sorry a bit baffled!

Thanks for new thread can keep up with other!

Age 42
Mmc 2016
Angel baby boy died at 12 days
And her I am 12 weeks later ttc as age is against me 😞

Positive thoughts for everyone xx

@Boboelephant how is everything with you? Xxx

Thanks so much @LilacIris, and everyone else for the warm welcome x

Big hugs Boboelephant!!!

Have you really Boboelephant? It really does move fast then! I remember when you first joined. Crazy!

Hoping there's some more BFPs on the way ❤

How quickly/soon after mc did you all go out? I found out about our mmc 8 days ago and had the actual complete natural mc 48 hours ago (confirmed at scan yesterday). Am still bleeding and passing small clots/icky stuff. Thing is, apart from going to the EPU on Tuesday last week and yesterday I've not left the house and can't bring myself to yet. I just can't face the world (even ignoring text messages from most friends). I know I'm going to have to leave the house at some point and start responding to people but how long did you all go before getting back to "normal" or at least leaving the house and responding to messages?

@InDreamland I found out about my MMC on Thursday last week, spent Friday in the EPU confirming it and agreeing next steps, and had to go see my brother/SIL and their new baby on Saturday. It was pretty tough but I’m glad I went.

I haven’t been out much aside from that though - I’ve taken this week off work and I’m certainly not ready to talk to anyone beyond medical professionals, immediate family and people on MN about this (and can’t see it happening anytime soon). I’ve seen some people on here recommend yoga classes so I might try to get to one of those tomorrow but I don’t really know anyone at my gym (otherwise I’d probably stay away).

I don’t think there’s any right answer to this though - take as long as you need.

@InDreamland I don't think there is a normal response - you have to just do whatever you need to do
After my first MMC (2nd Mc) I decided to do ERPC because we were travelling to my in laws in New York the following week and so I decided to get it over and done with. So I think I stayed home 3 days after the procedure and then had to do a big family holiday and smile and stuff. It was weird- I felt weird plus even tho my in laws are nice I really find it difficult staying at their place for an extended period of time- and we had a blizzard and we were stuck there for far too long!
With the second one I became a slightly crazy woman I think- I went back to work the Monday after found out it was an MMC- I ended up getting really aggro towards a colleague- and my boss told me to take 6 weeks off! He could tell i was losing it! (He knew my history and he has experienced similar with his wife)
That time off was definitely needed. I spent a lot of time watching Jane the virgin! (Mega lols highly recommend- even tho it's about a pregnant lady!) and doing yoga and focusing on myself and my health- which I really hadn't been doing. Having a toddler means I am always relegated to last priority (after my husband!) so...
Basically what I am saying is take as much time as you need because your body and mind need to recover before TTC!

Hello ladies, thanks for setting up new thread.

Age: 37
TTC: #2
MMC and d&C: April - 11 weeks 5 days
D.C.: 25
DPO: 10/11

@InDreamland I guess being "normal", leaving the house and responding to messages are all very different things- well in my experience they were. My friends didn't know about me being pregnant so my sister convinced me to be open to my friends about my miscarriage so I could then choose to respond as and when thereafter but the excuse for no response was already set up as I said what I was going through in a sort of statement and excused myself for not responding to other stuff. Leaving the house... After I had the MmC first trip out was a walk to sainsbury on my own where I bought a few items including pregnancy tests so I could check I was no longer registering as pregnant due to HCG levels and get sanitary towels etc and it was horrible and I felt like I was in a bad dream. I went back to work 2 weeks after d and C, it sucked but the distraction was welcomed, first meet up with friends was about a month after d&c and it was nice, I felt supported. For me, doing some normal things not related to the miscarriage or being pregnant helped hugely. Being with friends felt so right even though I had been so worried about it before. The immediate contact (days after d&c) was with my family - all I wanted to do was be with my son, my DH, my mum and my sister and her kids including her newborn. But my view is - take as long as you need but at the same time don't close yourself off by assuming people won't support you because sometimes people surprise you. And don't forget We the huddle) are here in a somewhat random way x

@Boboelephant following close behind you I've been on here since thread 16! Feels like I'm still going to be on here by thread 60 some days...

Haha @Boboelephant I am also not too far behind- but appreciate I haven't been on the TTC wagon...

I was intrigued and went back to that first thread I joined and found this I had written shortly after my last mc

Thought I might share it with the ladies who have just joined and who are going through this now

I think the loneliness in this is the hardest. I know I hide a lot of my sadness from my OH because I just don't want him to think I'm "crazy" or a "drama queen" or "too emotional" even though I am sure if told him how I'm feeling he wouldn't say anything like that. But he just doesn't talk about it; and I find that whenever I mention anything about it, whether it's simply about me wanting him to take his vitamins or trying to decide whether I should see 2 consultants for different opinions, I can feel his eyes roll. Like he's bored of this topic
He even said - what's the rush? Can't we just take a break till after the summer!
Umm no! 3-4months is about all I can handle and even that gives me anxiety

I know we've been lucky conceiving quite quickly in the last year, but all 3 of those ended in heartbreak, and who knows if a) we will ever conceive again and b) if we will ever bring another baby home.

He says things like we can just adopt, as if that is going to make me feel better. As if the sadness is because I don't have another baby; but the sadness is more than just the loss, it's my body's whole raison d'etre. My whole life, my whole awkward puberty, my every bloody month, my whole life and everything I have been through as a female was a promise that I am made to create life.
A miscarriage is like a big slap in the face
Coming from your own body. Mocking my whole female existence.
He will definitely say I am a drama queen if I ever said any of that to him.

I'm 36 end of April, our first loss's due date was my birthday - so how can I ever forget that.

Even though rationally I know it wasn't meant to be and I am grateful and thankful it happened so early on (I was less than 6weeks), I will never forget that a little soul spent some time with me, in my deepest and most sacred part of me.

I know a few women who've had miscarriages who talk about their lost babies as if they "should have been here now"
But I am sorry, I don't agree with this rhetoric - it will only make us feel worse forever.
They are not here because they shouldn't be here. They most likely didn't survive because they wouldn't have survived.
So while I will never forget the due dates (my birthday, my dad's bday, my LO's 2nd bday) and I will always think of them on those days, I know they were just passing through and it wasn't their time.
Somehow we have to let them go.

In the meantime I am going to take some time to heal - physically - take advantage of having my body back. I've been pregnant or miscarrying basically since August and breastfeeding before that. So now I can just build myself back up, make myself stronger than ever, do my sit ups and planks and maybe even join a gym. Get myself into my pre-baby clothes before we TTC again and hopefully carry a baby to term.
This is the only thing that is helping me continue

I am sorry for this random rant-

Just wanted to say you're not alone

anyway it goes on a bit longer but I'll spare you!
Sadly I did not manage to fit back into my pre baby clothes! Nor did I successfully do my planks and sit ups! But I am still talking about "starting my exercise plan"
God ! What a loser 🙄😂

@Angelbabyollie I am ok thanks hun. CD4 now so hopefully this cycle is the lucky one! Hope you're doing ok.
@peachesarenom hello! I haven't heard from you in ages! How are you love? How far along are you now?
@UnicornsandRainbows1 yep fraid so! I remember you from the first thread too as we had our ERPC's days apart. Although you had such a tough time. So happy it worked out for you though. You must be pretty far along now! How are you feeling?
@InDreamland I agree with the others in that you have to listen to your self and do what you feel comfortable with. In the week between my two scans I only left the house when really needed as I was terrified of the MC starting. After my ERPC I went back to work 6 days later and didn't leave the house before then. Just slept and watched t.v. and rested. I also didn't cope emotionally returning to work and had a meltdown. Luckily it was coming up to Christmas so I had annual leave coming up and them at break helped. I remember my mum calling the next day and me not wanting to answer the phone as all I could do was cry. But actually it was good to cry and get it out. Don't be afraid of not being ok. I did that for a year after my ectopic and it all came out in the end. Made the second loss even harder as I was coping with new and old unprocessed grief.
@ronniemipperton I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and take the time you need. If you can't manage the gym yoga yin on YouTube is great.
@strawberrye- let's have a mantra. We will not be here at thread 60. We will not be here at thread 60. 😂 I hope it's lucky 24 for us both!!
@zarala I remember when you wrote that. I also remember hoping I'd be pregnant after your 3 month break... ah well! I'm not in my pre baby clothes either. Whoops! 🍕🥂 I hope you don't feel as lonely anymore. 🐧

@zarala I couldn’t agree with you more - the babies we have lost just weren’t meant to be here yet. It’s important not to get stuck in the ‘they should be here’ mindset as I think that is really damaging to our psyches. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I hope revisiting what you write directly after you mc wasn’t too painful.
Sending hugs to everyone, especially those that are having a tough time right now xx

Morning ladies and welcome to the newbies. So sorry you find yourselves in the worst club in the world but we're a lovely supportive bunch!

I woke up so confused after a night of dreaming about more losses and being pregnant again. As if it isn't hard enough being awake and thinking about it!

@KnitKitty You always know the right things to say. Such lovely words, thank you. Another reason I don't want to celebrate my birthday is because it was going to be my first day of maternity leave. I was so pleased that the timing was perfect. Or so I thought. Maybe I'll change my mind about celebrating it when I've had time to process this second loss.

@Virgo89 Oh you were the youngest in your year at school! I loved being the oldest in September! In terms of TTC again, every story is different after MC. We got pregnant first cycle trying again in June but sadly it wasn't meant to be. It has given me hope just how quickly it happened though.

@TinyPaws Not sure if anyone responded. We are using the app on our iPhones so have the 🐧 emoji on there.

@ronniemipperton Welcome and sorry to hear you're going through all this right now too. I can imagine it wasn't a great birthday either. I hope we can provide the support you need xx

@Boboelephant Hope you have an amazing holiday! You deserve it 😊

@zarala Thank you for sharing that. That's pretty much how I feel right now. I'm putting on a brave face in front of my DH because after my first MC he didn't like to see me cry and kept telling me to cheer up. I'm not sure what he thinks I'm feeling right now but I've only cried on the doctor, my mum and when I've been alone. I do feel so lonely and so lost. I know we will try again and I've also had a moan at my husband about taking his vitamins and he got annoyed. I have to physically give him his when I get mine after dinner 🙄 I joined the gym in April and I feel so much better for it even if I only use the treadmill and bike! My DH's grandad announced in front of the whole room at Xmas that I had noticeably gained weight since our wedding so I'm doing my best to keep the weight off that I've lost since April!

I'm off to spend the day with my sister and new nephew. It was planned for months that I'd help her when he arrives so I intend to keep my promise. The more time I spend with him the easier it'll get!

Have a good day ladies!

Currently waiting for my cycle to sort itself out which is so frustrating. After my last mc I didn't get a period for 8 weeks! It's been nearly 4 now but no signs of ovulation yet if I even ovulate this cycle. So fed up!