TTC after pregnancy loss- thread 23 🐧🐧

[Boboelephant]

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

Boboelephant
Age: 35
TTC #2
DS 2.5
MMC at 10 weeks in December 2017. Ectopic rupture in November 2016.
Cycle 6 post MC. Trying since September 2016.

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@Laney79 oh hun I'm sorry. I'm glad you have counselling this week- that's what they are there for! To be honest the shower thing just sounds like a symptom not the main issue, which I think as you know is him feeling pressure. It's really hard but it's definitely not fate telling you no. If I can keep believing so can you! And we are all here for you. I think you guys just need to relax and have some fun as a couple and hopefully that will result in some more fun JKS. You know that worked for you the first time.

Thanks @Boboelephant the prob is we do relax when we're on holiday, or away (like the Greek trip and our weekend away a couple of weeks ago) but at home work stresses him out, and then any thoughts of JKS disappear. I don't know. It just all feels bleak right now. My birthday fast approaching doesn't help, I just fear it's all a bit too late.

@Laney79 I do know how you feel. It's ok to not feel ok. I still believe you will get there but take some time in the middle of the huddle if you need it! It is definitely easier to relax on holiday but maybe you need to try to find some ways you can get that relaxed feeling at home. A movie night, nice dinner, lounge room floor picnic...

@Boboelephant ahh noo, im sorry. I really thought this month was it. Just goes to show, the body can really trick you. In know all in all its been a long while, but this is cycle 6 this time? Not much consolation but still within normal healthy time frame. I know it doesn't stop the frustration though. Big hugs. Xx

Everyone having some struggles, sorry for afs and bfns, i know we have had one or two.
@RedRobin7 sorry you have felt so low, i really wish i had something better to say that would help more.

@Lilimum4 Banana boat aloe vera, best thing ever!

Also to the two of you, tsk tsk, don't be so hard on yourselves!! @Boboelephant Is right, you may not be perfect(who is) but you are to some!

@YellowDaffodils86 lol I went and got some I'm now sitting in the stuff and your right best stuff ever

@YellowDaffodils86 thanks. Yea I kinda thought it was too. My body is a cruel jinxer! Well this is now the start of cycle 7 since MC. Technically cycle 8 but we took a month off as I was away.

Gutted for you @Boboelephant and the others finding themselves out again. All I can really advise is wine and a good cry.

@KnitKitty reiki sounds amazing. I've seen sessions advertised at a local yoga studio that had lots of specialists preconception, antenatal, postnatal and baby stuff. Do they recommend reiki at a particular point in the cycle?

@Lilimum4 does your bottom look as bad as my feet!! 😂😂
I did this last year on a boat trip. Im still trying to even the tan lines out!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

@YellowDaffodils86 that looks painful!!!! But it did really make me laugh.

@KnitKitty I love what the reiki practitioner said to you! Really lovely
My doula told me that every baby we lose is just a soul that needed to be loved a little bit more before it could continue on it's journey- and that even though it was only a short time, it needed to visit my body because I was the only one who could give it the love it needed before it went back up to heaven to await it's time. I thought that was quite a sweet way of looking at things

@Newbie21 I had a similar dilemma last October at my Dd 1st bday. I decided to test the day before so that I could at least know and then focus on her on her day and not be wondering in back of my mind. Totally don't think you're a bad mama! If you were you wouldn't even be asking the question!

@Boboelephant fx for you your man's results!
When I did that weird cranio-sacral therapy the therapist told me the same thing that it takes time for the body to get over the trauma- and she recommended some homeopathic treatment to deal with embedded grief - I never actually tried it- but if you are interested in giving it a shot I can dig out the name of the herb or whatever it is...anyway one can never be too hippy dippy (until one stops washing!) so no need to apologise! Anyway enjoy your holiday ! You really deserve to have an awesome break

@Laney79 I'm so sorry it is so hard for you at the moment. Maybe your partner needs to talk about things - there must be an underlying reason why he is finding the situation too pressurised? Maybe he is worried about another loss? I know these things are really hard to discuss with men 🙄 but maybe a bottle of wine and a big heart to heart wouldn't be amiss - sending hugs

@YellowDaffodils86 ouch they were sore and yes my poor bottom is just as red lol

Morning ladies how are you ?

@InDreamland How are you doing?

@Bobzybaby You are amazingly strong! I'm so sorry you've been through all that. I felt guilty for being so broken after one loss but now after two I think I'm allowed to be such a mess as it doesn't look like this is going to go in my favour. I think we have to try again to find out if there is an issue but I'm not sure I can cope with 3 losses in one year but at the same time I can't deal with not being pregnant. It's so tough and either way I have a lot to learn to deal with. My biggest fear is being that old lady in the nursing home who has no family to visit her 😢

@zarala I spoke to a lovely doctor yesterday, he wasn't my usual one but he was much nicer! He asked me how I was and took the time to hear about both miscarriages. He said he doesn't want to test my hormones because they would only cause issues ovulating and conceiving - which I'm not having problems with. As I expected, he just said to try again as it may have just been bad luck.

@Mistymeow That was very brave of you to keep working. We have heavily pregnant ladies on my floor so I'm just not ready to see them yet. Last time I returned to work I sat in the car trying not to cry and then had a chat with HR whilst shaking like a leaf. I must have looked crazy! I've got one more week off and then I just have to get back into it.

@robin78 How are you doing? Thank you for sharing a positive story, it does always help. My best friend has had 3 miscarriages in a row and is now pregnant for the 4th time and I'm so scared for her. I really hope this is her time. If it's not, it's also going to make me so anxious that I'll be in the same boat as her.

@KnitKitty Wow that does sound amazing. My friends MIL does it so it has been recommended to me. I'm one of those people who would probably laugh, not because it's funny but because I feel awkward! I embarrass myself in these situations 🙈

My DH has decided he now might have to stay away the first two nights we have the dog! Eek! I hope she's good for me!

@Boboelephant I hope you are feeling stronger today xx

@Laney79 Sorry to hear you are struggling. With regards to the shower, I hate morning sex because I feel disgusting and dirty and I won't have sex unless I've showered. For me this is all underlying stuff due to hating myself and the way I look. I don't feel attractive and I don't feel like my husband finds me attractive - especially not first thing in the morning! It could be completely unrelated but your OH is feeling really low and the shower is a way to refresh him and get rid of the negativity. He could just need a little more TLC and reassurance without directly mentioning it.

I totally understand you're the one going through all this shit right now and he should be working with you. I also understand how you feel because my DH feels the pressure and we can go a long time without having sex. Also recently it feels like the only time we have sex is when we are drunk! 🙈It really does suck and it's so scary wondering what the future holds.

@YellowDaffodils86 Thank you xx Also thanks for the laugh this morning... ouch!!

Oops very long post and I've just shown I'm even more crazy than I first seemed! Feeling more normal today apart from the tonne of bricks sat on my chest.

Hope everyone is feeling better this morning.

Thanks for asking @RedRobin7. Yesterday I told you about my experience on Sunday night and stupidly thought that I had gotten off lightly with the mc. How wrong I was - that must have been the teaser taster of what was to come.

Lastnight I got mild backache which then moved and spread to my front and the pain intensified to what I can only describe as feeling like i was being ripped apart from inside. Thankfully I went to sit on the loo early on, about 20 mins after the pain started to get worse. I've never felt pain so excruciating. The ordeal lasted almost 4 hours. I felt so much slipping out (lumps, clots, tissue) of me it was awful and have to say looked like something out of a horror film at the end. Poor DH could only watch and wanted to call an ambulance but I couldn't bear the thought of actually being moved when I was in so much pain. By the end I was exhausted and DH thought I'd passed out as i just flopped on him after the final "contraction". That's got to be the worst experience of my life so far. Is labour worse than that?

I've got my second scan to confirm mc at the EPU this morning and not sure how after last night I'm going to be able to hold it together. I feel so empty. I just want my baby but after last night it's definitely over.

How much longer does the bleeding last? I'm still bleeding a bit but never ever want a repeat of last night.

@lilimum4 I'm all good today thanks, just waiting for af then we can start again. Is your bum brown yet haha

@redrobin7 I think it helped that it wasn't an office job and I knew I would be around people who weren't pregnant and didn't know about my loss so I felt like I could have a day off from grief. My part time office job sent me a brief email telling me I could take as much time off as I needed then never mentioned it again (apart from an email 4 weeks later saying they hope I'm feeling a bit better). They didn't even know I had an operation. It was a lonely experience indeed. I really hope you feel better soon. What kept me going was taking it a day at a time and knowing that in a few months I would feel better. And I do x

Anyone testing this week? My temp dropped today so af should be here soon.

Boboelephant I'm glad you seem to have had an "aha!" moment. Hopefully it will help with the healing process.
I think our minds put an awful lot of pressure on our bodies to do things a certain way at a certain time, but our bodies have other ideas.
I remember when going through MMC and the aftermath feeling very frustrated at my body for not letting go when it should have. It was my mind placing a should into the situation. My body simply wasn't ready to give up on the little spirit it had created and even after ERPC it took a good month for my hormones to level out again. That in itself should have been a warning bell to me that my body needed to process this slowly and to give it time, but we get so impatient with ourselves!
What the reiki practitioner said about my ovary and womb missing being a part of this amazing creative process really struck a cord. I've been focusing my attention completely on my mind "getting over it", but hadn't considered the feelings of my body. And yes, we do hold emotions and memories in parts of the body, I believe this utterly after the strange experience I had during psychotherapy.
And I agree with zarala, nothing wrong with a bit of hippy-dippy, especially when it brings you to epiphanies.
zarala I absolutely love what your doula said, what a lovely way of putting it!
I'm not sure if they recommend reiki at a certain time doddlebobs. I had a gut feeling to go at the time of ovulation, but that's just me. I actually didn't end up mentioning that to the lady, as my main reason for going was because I feel I've lost the balance in my life. Any happy side-effects will be welcome, of course.

Laney79 Hugs. Not really got anything more useful to say that what others have said, so just wanted to send you a penguin cuddle.

Hope your bottom is feeling a bit less sore today Lilimum4! Good morning to you too, how are you doing at the moment?

@InDreamland So sorry you've been through that. It sounds very similar to the day I had last Wednesday. I didn't let my husband see what was going on but I did tell him to listen out in case I passed out. Now I wish he had seen because he just seems to think I'm okay now but it's so much to deal with.

I started bleeding last Monday and still had clots coming out on Saturday. It's been lighter and brown the last few days. I'm not sure what to expect as I had light bleeding for 3 weeks after my surgery with the first one but hoping to bleed less as it wasn't intrusive - If that's the right word.

@Mistymeow That's really rubbish you didn't get the support from your office job. I'm very lucky to work for a well known company and our HR are just great. I feel like the main lady I talk to actually wants to help me and it makes such a difference having that support. So sorry you didn't have that experience.

@InDreamland I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope they're really kind in EPU. The bleeding may last a couple more weeks I think - certainly what happened to me - but much lighter.

@Laney79 big hugs. I'm seeing a psychotherapist (not just about the MC to be honest) and it really helps to discuss it with someone else. We also went through a phase of really struggling with sex but it appears to have got a bit better with time. It's so hard to both be there for yourself and DH all the time. Take care of yourself. I find yin and restorative yoga really help too but I end up crying in class more often than I'm comfortable with.

@redrobin thank you for the positive story, really kind. I think I kind of want to just be pregnant again so I can have what feels like the inevitable third mc.

Big hugs to all x

Thanks @RedRobin7, Our first 2 losses (mc and ectopic) were 4 months apart. After the ectopic we took a year and a half off as I wasn't ready to cope with another potential loss. I felt the same as you do now and felt trapped between wanting to know if there was a problem / wanting to heal / panic at being in my 30s. I had a crisis of "do I really want to have kids?!" (In hindsight that was just me putting up a defence mechanism). However, I'm a genuine believer of what's for you won't go by you and I then fell pregnant while on the pill. Although it was a mc I took it as a sign that one day I'm meant to be a Mum. It hasn't happened yet and I have some moments of panic. But, an older lady I know who had recurrent mc and no children told me something that has stayed with me: You can have a great life without children. It's maybe not what you choose, and it's a different journey to what you expect, but it can be beautiful.

In my moments of "I'm going to be the old lady in the nursing home all alone" I think of all my nieces and nephews, my beautiful friends and family and know I'll never be alone. My nephew is 7 and is apparently gonna be a famous footballer and I keep telling him he'll need an "Auntie Flat" in his mansion for me and he says he'll look after me lol!

But, for now, I take each day as it comes otherwise I drive myself mad!

Don't give yourself a hard time @RedRobin7 you're still right in the epicentre of your loss. Give yourself time and space to heal and your next step will come naturally

@KnitKitty morning lovely, wow you sound like your in a really good place right now. I might have to take a leaf out of your book.

Bum is not brown after all that the red has settled down and almost gone but no tan to speak of (just my luck lol)

I'm still tracking bbt and opk even though I'm out this month just so I know where my body is at but I thought it would be relaxing having a month off but no I'm more stressed knowing that its not even possible this cycle, think I'm a little TTC nuts

@InDreamland so sorry you had such traumatic and painful time, sounds horrific. My bleeding lasted for exactly 7 days. Heavy for about 4 days and then tailed off. I hope your scan brings you some closure - I found that mine did and helped me to accept the situation a bit xx

@KnitKitty thank you for posting about your reiki experiences, I’ve booked a session. I think it’s a good idea to take care of the spiritual as well as the physical and emotional xx

To everyone else, I hope today is a better day, sending you all hugs and positive vibes :)

Sorry for those feeling shitty today. @indreamland sounds horrific hope you get some closure with the scan today.

Af is due today but nothing yet though have got spots and cramps so know she is imminent.

@InDreamland so sorry you had to experience that. I had an MMC and was terrified of seeing anything and feeling "contractions" without a baby to hug at the end that I opted for the D&C. I can't imagine what you have gone through but you are through the worst of it now, physically. You will likely bleed for a couple of weeks. I did after my D&C for a little over 2 weeks but not painful and more like a heavy period which got lighter as the days passed to just brown/old blood. When you are pregnant again and go full term with labour pending I highly recommend hypnobirthing to help get through the contractions. They are flippin' painful but obviously the reward is massive so it gets you through. A very different experience. Hugs to you and hope you are resting and taking care of yourself. Your DH sounds like a pillar of strength for you, it must be hard for the guys being so helpless.

Hi lovely ladies,
Have caught up but there was soooo much!
Unfortunately I think my pregnancy may be about to end. I'm 6+ 2 and have been bleeding on and off since Friday. I'm heading in for a scan at 11.30. I know I've read so many times that bleeding in pregnancy can be normal but with my history and sheer bad luck I can't seem to shake my gut feeling that I'm heading to another loss 😢
Xx

@MrsLCW So sorry to hear that. Keeping everything crossed for you. We are right here to support you xx