TTC after pregnancy loss- thread 23 🐧🐧

[Boboelephant]

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Here's the new thread. This is a lovely supportive thread for anyone who has suffered the loss of a much wanted baby. Affectionately known as the penguin huddle- this is the place to survive the ups and downs of this crazy journey.

Kicking off with a roll call:

Boboelephant
Age: 35
TTC #2
DS 2.5
MMC at 10 weeks in December 2017. Ectopic rupture in November 2016.
Cycle 6 post MC. Trying since September 2016.

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@bobzybaby sorry for AF showing for you

@laney79 sorry to hear you are feeling down and that DH is feeling the pressure. That sounds like a tough situation to cope with. As cakelaur said maybe jump him in the shower? Or could you have a chat about why he wants to shower before DTD? Seems like a bit of an odd barrier especially in an established relationship.

@mistymeow sorry for the BFN, how are you feeling?

@robin78 will be thinking of you tomorrow, dates are always hard. Have you got anything planned to distract you? Fingers crossed you manage conceive your rainbow baby this cycle

@Kintan congrats on your BFN (feels weird to say that) hopefully this signifies a new start for you

@KnitKitty hey how are you? Whereabouts are you in your cycle?

@redrobin7 Sorry to hear you're feeling so scared at the moment, but that's completely understandable. I know how sad and frightening it is to have a second loss, but I echo what @KnitKitty said, 2 consecutive losses are considered recurrent and are just thought of as “bad luck”. We still both have a good chance of conceiving and carrying a healthy pregnancy next time round, although I get it that you probably feel that is a unachievable goal at the moment. Please don't worry if your doctor doesn't test for anything just yet - although I know it's a horrible situation to be in and I know how shit it is to feel like you have to just keep trying whilst feeling you’ll lose any future pregnancies. Sending lots and lots.of hugs.

@Jessabean hope the move went well, sounds like your jks has good timing despite how busy you've been, fingers crossed it pays off!

It seems like the centre of the huddle is big today, which is sad to see. Despite missing DH and knowing it won't happen for us this month due to timing of his work trip, I'm feeling fairly upbeat. I have ordered some baby wool off the internet and I'm going to knit a rainbow baby blanket, having been inspired by the knitting chat on here a while back. Hopefully by the time the blanket is done I'll be expecting a new arrival to carry in it. I'll take my turn on the outside of the huddle to help keep you girls warm 🐧🐧🐧

for everyone this morning. Scanning through all the comments I'm so sorry to read all of the AFs showing up, BFNs and general feeling low. Life really is mean and it's not fair any of us should have to go through this. MC/pregnancy loss shouldn't even be a thing, women should be able to get pg when they want and have hapoy healthy babies. Sorry if I'm soundung crazy but head is all over the place.

Can I ask some advice please from you all (sorry I know this is a conception thread rather than a mc one) - unfortunately and sadly you're all in the best position to say what to do. Have our second scan booked in tomorrow morning at the EPU to confirm the mc. Over the weekend though proper bleeding started and yesterday night after dinner I suddenly felt my heart rate go up and got really hot, felt sick and shaky with lower back pain. Went to the loo and loads just fell out of me (sorry for TMI) and I felt something large moving through and out. Instantly symptoms started easing but I took some ibuprofen to deal with the remaining milder pain. Last week after the first scan the Dr said if any bleeding can go back to EPU (or if really heavy to a&e) - given we have the scan booked there tomorrow morning anyway is there a reason I should go in today for the bleeding? I just don't know what they can actually do now. I know I'm mc'ing, that's pretty obvious from what I'm passing. Or should I just go tomorrow as planned? I just want this physical side over with as I'm really struggling emotionally but feel so drained - just sobbed down the phone to my boss this morning and had to stop myself from saying I just want my baby back when asked if I want anything from work (help wise) as I'm so worried he'll think I'm nuts.

@indreamland maybe call the EPU and tell them and ask what they think? If bleeding is still heavy or you are in any pain might be worth going in today but definitely call for peace of mind. Sorry you are going through this x

@InDreamland So sorry you're going through this. I started bleeding heavy last Monday but I couldn't be seen for a scan until Wednesday. I was bleeding so heavy, constant clots (some the size of my hand) and the pain was excruciating and going through to my back. EPU told me this was normal and to take pain relief. So I just had to cope with it. Now that I'm through the other side, I think I should have gone to A&E to get something stronger. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

@Jessabean I surprised myself when meeting my nephew and didn't cry. I had some lovely cuddles and felt so lucky that I am a part of his life. It was still a difficult day - my brother was there too with his wife and their one year old and they pretty much ignored me which was hurtful.

@KnitKitty Thanks lovely. I know I shouldn't lose all hope. After one miscarriage people said it was just common and to try again... two was just bad luck (everyone has said that, not just you 😊) but I'm not sure what I'll do if it happens again. I don't think I can keep waiting for the unknown though so I think the answer is just to find out.

@strawberrye Sorry missed your comment on the first glance. Thank you. I'm probably just overthinking everything at the moment. Maybe in a few weeks time I will feel more positive.

We are getting our Guide Dog in training one week today so I'm really excited about that and pleased we have a distraction. My DH has conveniently booked himself on a training course next week so I'm going to be settling the dog in on my own! We've bought her an Amazon echo for the kitchen and found a calming dog music playlist on Spotify in case she gets scared and lonely 😂

@Newbie21 and @RedRobin7 thank you for your advice. I've tried calling but no-one answers. Thankfully at the moment the bleeding doesn't appear to be really heavy and the pain from last night has subsided.

@RedRobin7 glad that you could enjoy the cuddles but it's sad to read your bro and SIL seemed to avoid you. Just sounds really heartless and would have expected them to be there for you. I get they've just had a baby themselves but you also need some love and support.

Thanks everyone, I'm actually doing ok. I'm only 2 months in to TTC this time so I've not been expecting to catch this soon. A bit disappointed but not at the really frustrated point that some of the others are at.

@InDreamland I'm sorry you're going through this. I echo the others, if your pain levels get too much you should contact your local unit / GP for stronger relief.

@RedRobin7 If there's anything I've learnt after 4 losses it's this: I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I never imagined I would be in this position and still surviving. There are some really rough and raw moments but some really beautiful ones too. Sending you hugs

@Boboelephant EUGH. God I am so sorry
Absolutely gutted for you.
I know you've tested yourself- have you tested hubby?? We did sperm comet test which analyses not just normal sperm count but also morphology dna of sperm and identifies if there's any issues.
There are lots of supplements men can take to optimise their little swimmers- co enzyme q10 and other stuff to counteract damaged sperm... I mean it could help?? I know you've tried everything, it's just really unfair and shit and I'm so sorry. Sending big hugs!

@RedRobin7 after my second mc I asked my doctor for some tests and after a bit of persistence she agreed to test my hormones - even though having 2 MCs is sadly considered bad luck! So see if your doctor will do that. She absolutely wouldn't consider referral to RMC but i was happy to be able to get tested at least! Good luck!
Maybe your brother didn't know what to say- I know the mere mention of mc just makes people act so weird - I hope you're not too upset by that - and glad you got in some lovely cuddles!!!

@InDreamland It sounds like you've managed to pass the most of it- so I would just go in tomorrow as planned. When I was mc'ing i was happy being at home and not having to deal with it in public! But I know everyone has a different experience so see whatever makes you feel more comfortable. I must say however I am happy that this happened quite quickly for you and naturally and you didn't need any medial intervention- even though it's not a nice thing to go through- it's a good sign that your body is healing itself ! Fx for your scan and hope you're feeling ok

@Laney79 sexy shower time!!!
We all know it worked for @Lovemysparkle !
(Although whenever we've attempted it - we end up giving up the awkward positions and move it to bed! Reality doesn't tend to match the fantasy!! Hahaha)

@Mistymeow Sorry for bfn. Good luck for Oh's treatment and hope it kicks in super quick so you can catch soon! I know we tend to blame ourselves and feel like failures but it take 2 to tango!

@MisBit1 Don't worry at all! I know how hard it is keeping up with this thread! What is slapped cheek? How does one become immune?! Good luck for your scan! Ask your EPU if they do reassurance scans? Mine does for anyone who has had an mc- you can go in anytime after week 7. I just don't think we can have too many scans given our experiences!
Plus there's a study that shows that mc occurrences drop relative to the number of scans we have- they don't know why! But at the RMC they scan women every 2 weeks and find it helps !

@TheHalfBloodPrincess I think your temps look good- still above coverline - I think it's a sign of low progesterone if it drops below/ but I am not an expert- ?? Sorry!

Sending hugs to everyone who needs it today
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Just wondering if anyone has had like a pulling sensation? Not painful just weird! No af as yet! X

Just wondering if anyone has had like a pulling sensation? Not painful just weird! No af as yet! X

@Angelbabyollie oooh! Yes I did with my first pregnancy ! Fx for you!

@Angelbabyollie I have had lots of pulling sensations and feeling heavy for two cycles, identical to my early pregnancy symptoms, but no BFP yet. I think in my case because I had an ERPC my uterus is super sensitive to everything, so I feel every little pull. I really hope this is a good sign for you. When is af due?

Thanks @zarala I count myself lucky that we have a treatment plan ahead of us, it does help. I just hope it works!

@InDreamland Just to say I hope the pain eases off soon. I had a second scan whilst I was miscarrying and it helped me to know where we were at with the bleeding and how much more was to come. I found the second scan reassuring, I hope you will too x

@RedRobin7 I hope you are feeling a bit better. I'm so jealous of your Guide Dog! What a lovely distraction. I actually worked two days after my miscarriage on a job that I had already booked that I didn't want to lose. I was so glad of the distraction, it made me feel a lot better being around positive people. Nothing more positive than a doggy ;)

Thank you for your kind words @cakelaur @redrobin7 @knitknitty and @Tedlife* @strawberrye* (hope I didn't miss anyone!). Your support has made my day SO much better! And brought tears to my eyes on a couple of occasions - in a good way!

@Tedlife your comment about rewarding myself for the strength I've shown this year was really helpful. I am going to try and focus on that.
We all need to remember that I think. No one would choose to be here but we are finding ways to cope, to 'ride the waves' and also to support each other along the way.

@knitknitty I don't think I will do anything to commemorate the anniversary as such but will do as @Tedlife* and @strawberrye* suggest and do something nice for myself (nails? swimming? movie?) at some stage in the day. Or maybe go for dinner with my man. That might be a nice way of marking it and a good precursor to day 3 of the SMEP!

Thanks everyone. xx

@redrobin7 just to say, like others on here, two mcs can indeed just be a cruel case of 'bad luck'. My friend had 2 mcs in one year when she was about 34 and went on to have 2 successful pregnancies straight afterwards. I think everyone feels different about whether they want to push for referrals after 2 mcs. For me, I was very influenced by a chat I had with a lovely nurse at the EPU who said her advice after working there for over 20 years was just to give it another go and not to over medicalise it when it was probably a combo of my age and bad luck. But do what feels right for you ...

@angelbabyollie I experienced the pulling sensations in early pregnancy, never had anything similar at any other time.

Sorry for all those who've had BFNs recently, I really feel this thread is due some good news!

Hi strawberrye I should be ovulating today or thereabouts. I don't OPK or temp so not certain, but I seemed to ovulate on CD17 my last two cycles according to pains and AF dates. Will try to JKS a couple more times if I can get OH interested tonight or tomorrow just to be on the safe side. Not had any pains yet today...
Please show us the progress of your rainbow blanket. I think I might be feeling ready to start up my baby bunting project again.

InDreamland I hope the scan goes ok tomorrow and offers you some closure. It's not a nice thing to have to go through when you're already sure you've MC but I think it does help to start the emotional healing process. Hugs xxx

Not long til the dog arrives RedRobin7! That's exciting! I'm really pleased for you that you're doing this!

robin78 doing something for you sounds like a lovely plan (and of course JKS) Hope you have a lovely relaxing time.

Boboelephant I just got back from having my reiki session. It was nice and relaxing. The lady was lovely. We had a long chat about why I was there at the start and discussed the MC and my strange gynae history and my need for balance in my life at the moment and how I'm trying to focus not only on TTC again or the MC.
She said a few lovely things. One was that MC was like losing a spirit, which touched me. She also said when pregnant the pregnancy becomes part of you and it's hard to find who you are again afterwards without the pregnancy and probably my womb and ovary are also missing the baby and being part of that creative process. She told me to visualise my womb and ovary and welcome them to me when she had her hands placed over that area.
She also used a crystal pendulum over my chakras at the beginning of the session and actually paused to tell me that my 3rd eye was wide open, but I'd closed off my emotions. She said creating a pregnancy was sort of the ultimate way of being creative and she thought I'd completely shut off that in other areas of my life and expected I felt a bit nothingy about everything at the moment. (Not quite how she put it, but it's the phrase I'm using!)
This is completely true. I was low for a couple of months after MC and then decided it was time to pull my socks up and "move on" but I've just been feeling like everything is stagnant and unfulfilling.
She said while she understood the strategy and the need for it at the time, she felt it wasn't serving me well anymore and I need to not be scared of opening up again. She said I should just be me and everything else will fall into place.
During the session I was very relaxed and then a couple of times out of nowhere I started crying silent tears. It was a lovely gentle release.
Glad I went.
How are you doing, is AF ok this month?

@angelbabyollie I have a weird feeling in my lower abdomen but not sure if pulling or whether pushing is the right description, not painful and not uncomfortable just weird. I can't recall having it previously but I wasn't symptom spotting then. Maybe I am just more sensitive down there following the D&C.

So I have a silly question: Saturday it is my amazing DS' 2nd birthday and it also happens to be the day AF is due so plan was to not test until Sunday and focus on the birthday boy which of course I will do but do you think it is a good idea to test on Friday and then if BFN then I can put it out my mind and focus on birthday totally and not be upset by AF turning up or do you think I just continue the holiday chilled out attitude of what will be will be (or at least try to!!) ? (Please don't think I'm a bad mum for thinking about BFPs/AF etc on DS' birthday )

@Newbie21 I think it's a nice idea in theory that you'll just "get it out of the way" by testing Friday but in reality I think you'll be disappointed if it's a bfn and it may not be as easy as you think to push it out of your mind and may end up ruining your DS's birthday for you. Just a thought but you know best how your emotions hit you x

@tedlife you are right. I suppose it will play on my mind either way but at least if I wait until Sunday, it is the weekend rather than test Friday morning and then being depressed at work ahead of DS' birthday.

I was about to say I hate the TWW but in reality I also hate AF week and right up to FW too. FW at least you feel like you are doing something to progress things and then it's waiting around again for another two weeks.

@sweetpea0318, @MisBit1, @TinyPaws, @strawberrye, @Kintan, @Robin78, @Cakelaur, @Newbie21, @RedRobin7, @TedLife, @Blondcat thankyou all. Feeling a bit crap really and fed up but appreciate all your lovely words. I do think my body is tormenting me a bit!
@Bobzybaby thankyou and sorry she showed up for you too.
@Mistymeow thankyou and sorry for your bfn. I hope you're not out yet.
@Laney79 thankyou. So sorry you're struggling. Can I ask why you both have to shower first? Is this negotiable? I agree with the others about some shower action or a suggestion for a shower together followed by some bed action if logistics don't work!
@KnitKitty thanks hun. I'll take some big bug hugs! 🐞
@HalfBloodPrincess it is hard to accurately read your chart hun due to your interrupted sleep but you had defi ovulated which is the main thing. Your higher post ov temp could be incorrect and so you haven't dropped like you think. Usually low progesterone makes your chart very rocky so I think you are ok.
@zarala thanks hun. Yep DH gave in his sample last week so will see what they say.

I'm really grateful for all of your support on what seems like this never-ending journey sometimes. Sorry for anyone I missed. I have had such a crazy day at work and trying to catch up on everyone now. Sending hugs to all who need it and thinking of you all.

A work colleague said to me today that perhaps my body was scared of going through the trauma again and I had to tell my body it was ok. I was fascinated by this as there are so many studies that support muscle memory and psychosomatic symptoms. It's really given me something to think about!

@KnitKitty oh I just saw your message as my last one was stop start so took about 2 hours to write! Ooh reiki session sounds amazing and I'm so glad you got so much from it. She sounds great and really tuned in. Yay for moving on from the nothingness. Let's look forward positively together! Ultimate way of being creative... love that. I'm going to definitely look into getting proper sessions . Also quite intrigued by body psychotherapy now as I do wonder if my mind and body are just a bit out of sync. I'm feeling ok considering thanks hun. AF is not painful. And I go on holiday on Friday so that means that week between af and fw which is usually so rubbish will be fun and then back for fw. So onto August we go!

Glad to hear you're OK Boboelephant.
I had psychotherapy years ago when I was depressed and trying everything under the sun to get better. I'd had counselling, seen psychiatrists, tried acupuncture and positive affirmations etc etc... but the psychotherapy was the most helpful thing I ever did.
The therapist taught me different techniques and used some technique to allow me to go into my body and listen to it and I burst into tears. (I'm not a crier in front of people I don't know and my barriers had never been broken in any other therapy session). Suddenly out of nowhere I had this epiphany that I was grieving for my ovary that I lost when I was 14. I hadn't been expecting for it to be taken out during the surgery I had to remove the cyst and so I hadn't prepared myself for the loss, it just got whipped out (and I suppose incinerated), but it represented a bit part of myself and also half of my potential children. Once I realised I was grieving I knew how to cope better with my emotions and I got better within months.

I really find it interesting what your colleague suggested about your body not wanting to go through it again. I can totally understand that. It would be worth looking in to how to balance yourself again.
A holiday is a good start. A nice distraction during that limbo period is always good. :)

Thanks all for your replies and kindness.

@Boboelephant it's something he's latched onto since holiday. Always struggled a bit with switching the brain off and letting go if you know what I mean. He's not like some fella's who are willing at the drop of a hat-more quality than quantity with us. The shower thing started on hols. We'd go up to the room in the arvo to get ready for dinner, shower to get rid of days suncream etc and we would BD. Since we've been back he says he really likes that as we're all fresh and clean, but obv for that to happen it is more planned...but then yesterday he says that just me mentioning BD-ing makes him feel the pressure and then he can't let go. So I'm stuck.

Sadly tried the shower before-too small for good angles if you know what I mean.

Just really feeling down. Feels like fate is saying no. And it breaks my heart now that I know I want it so much. AF due in a couple of days so suspect it's that, combined with my birthday coming up. Everyone keeps asking what I want and if I'm absolutely honest the only thing I want is to be 27 weeks pregnant as I should be.

I'm going to keep my counsellor busy this week aren't I.

@KnitKitty wow! What a powerful experience! I know a fair bit about psychotherapy but had not heard of this body one. It's alot more focused on the trauma the body has suffered rather than the mind. I wonder whether with everything I've gone through that I've talked about it but my body hasn't dealt with it. That struck me what you said and I hadn't thought about it like that. My experience was similar in that one moment I was pregnant and whole and so happy and the next they are removing my tube and half my fertility along with my baby. Then it took so long to get pregnant again and people told me after the MC that it is your body's way of dealing with it when there's a problem. Maybe my problem was my body was too scared of going through that first experience again... wow!!! My mind is blown over here. Sorry if I sound a bit hippy dippy ladies. But wow.