TTC after recurrent miscarriage

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Hi, just wondering if anyone else was in a similar place to me and wanted to chat about it? I'm 30, TTC my first and have had three miscarriages, all early (two natural MCs at five weeks, then a MMC where a scan at 6+5 revealed development had again stopped at 5 weeks). I've had RMC tests and am just waiting on the results of that but hoping to be able to TTC again from my next period, which should come any day now. I've found throughout the whole thing (have been TTC just over a year now) that it's really helped me to chat with people in similar positions, so if anyone wants to be TTC buddies please let me know!

Scary duck hello. Sorry you have to be here. Sounds even more stressful knowing you have a reason miscarriage may be more likely. I hope the next time works for you even if the chances seem slim.

Lisa - your phrasing seems much better than unlucky and sounds a good letter to send. Is part of your frustration the delay and not ttc for months while waiting for the tests? I think having such a limp answer when you have waited and held hope on finding a solution would knock me hard emotionally too.

Can i join please.
Just found out I'm pregnant after 5mc's
Panicking like mad and trying to keep calm x

I'll jump on the bandwagon as well, of that's okay, although not sure if this thread is just for ladies TTC, coz I'm actually pregnant not, but like ilovechocolate I've had 5 miscarriages and no children yet, so very very nervous.

Hi to the new people - so sorry for both your losses. You are both very, very welcome here but just to let you know in case you don't, there is also a pregnant after miscarriage thread on the pregnancy board. How are you feeling? Your anxiety is completely understandable but I hope you can find some calm soon - we're all here for hand-holding if you need it.

How are you doing, mog? Yes, I think that was part of it, so much waiting for such an off-hand appointment. I also just found the dismissiveness upsetting. I know I have this unhelpful psychological cycle where I feel anxious and depressed about the miscarriages, but then I get angry at myself for overreacting because and being ridiculous and self-indulgent about pregnancies that didn't even really make it off the starting blocks, then that makes me feel worse/self-loathing, etc. At every stage I've had this massive fear that doctors will tell me to stop being stupid and before this everyone had actually been very kind and taken my losses seriously and it set off a lot of stuff in me when it felt like she didn't. I know now I'm feeling a bit more rational today that that's more about me (I know I'm nuts and I'm having counselling!) than about what she said and not her fault.

You're not nuts Lisa. I have similar spirals of thoughts myself about my losses. And every so often someone comes along, be it a friend, relative or healthcare professional who manages to say something which just feeds into those thoughts and emotions.

Thanks keepon. It's both sad and comforting at the same time to know that other people feel the same. And thank you for your previous post, which I missed because it was on previous page. It was really helpful to hear from a doctor's perspective, and good to know that you think feedback could be helpful not harmful. In my job (I'm a lecturer) feedback is sort of a fraught thing, because I'd argue that you need feedback to be any good at it but on the other hand student feedback is a really important part of how we're assessed so getting anything less than universally glowing is quite crushing and, early in your career, potentially disastrous.

Thank you Lisa, the pregnant after miscarriage board is probably better. Just had a little read back through a few posts, and wanted to say sorry for your awful appointment. I once waited an hour for an appt after my 4th miscarriage, only to be in literally 6 minutes and told "there's nothing we can really do, I'll refer you on to another trust, but your odds of a successful pregnancy will go down each time this happens". When I asked for statistics, she just shrugged. She thought I was still pregnant and when I told her I'd miscarried she didn't even say "I'm sorry" or anything, just wrote it down. After that appt, I was so devastated, it really set me back. I can empathize with how upset you've been feeling, and I think feeding back to professionals that deal with women like us is really important and valid for future women with RM. Good luck with the future, this seems like a lovely thread, hope you ladies all get the babies you deserve xx

Wha, Salt, that isn't even true, there is no cause of miscarriage which causes future pregnancies to be less likely! I bet that she meant the more miscarriages you have the more likely it is you have more serious problems, but jeez. Talk about insensitive and misleading!!

Hello Chocolate and Salt. I am about 6 weeks and still on this thread. This is the 3rd time I've been pregnant this year, so not really believing it will be successful and assume I'll be back to ttc next month. Chocolate I saw your post in pregnancy and it's shocking you have not had tests after 5 miscarriages. Salt sorry to hear another story of unhelpful insensitive comments. My experience at the hospitals have been fantastic, so there are some doctors who can get it right.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I don't normally have pregnancy or miscarriage symptoms, so not expecting those, but that makes it hard to feel reassured or panicked. Feeling fed up of early pregnancy for nothing, missing out on fun things to avoid drinking and my body bloating and clothes looking rubbish. Feels like my body has been through a lot of strain this year.

Lisa - to have ups and downs through the process is understandable and not something to feel guilty over.

Thanks for your support, salt - I'm so sorry you had such a horrendous experience with your doctor. Wishing you all the very best, and hoping that this pregnancy goes as well and smoothly as possible.

Hi to all the new people, I will catch up at some point, just really busy at the moment, Lisa Please do write that letter, You could be the difference between someone else feeling like shit after an appt with the same dr. Im also so sorry that you too had a crap appt.

All it would take is a little retraining in rephrasing certain ways of telling people - and would mean people would be leaving the place in a better frame of mind. I sat in my car for 40 minutes crying because she used the phrase Bad luck. 7 miscarriages is not bad luck.

I also had "end of the road as far as the nhs is concerned". She may as well have stabbed me there and then using that. My first appt she was very lovely, but when there were no answers she became very insensitive - I also did not like the fact she giggled nervously when I sat down and said Oh ive actually had the results since the beginning of august but didnt get around to writing a letter to you. She had had 7 weeks at this point to write me a letter.

keepon offered some great advice though, stay off the internet for a while, I was a mess the 1st few days after my appt, I purposely didnt come on here as I couldnt get out of my own pit id felt I was in. I had a break, went to the gym a few times, relaxed with crap tv and now feel ready to come back fighting for the next round of tests or whatever else I can find.

Im still having accupuncture too, after my last message I posted Af arrived the same day, Ive been so used to heavy awful periods and I could set my watch by my pms symptoms - This month. absolutely nothing at all. Its not been heavy either. even if its still only a placebo, to not have period pain is worth every penny i've been paying!

Can't believe some of the terrible medical chat here. Not bothering to write with results is shocking flyn. It also really bugs me how each department in the NHS is so separate - the EPU didn't know any of my foetal medicine records and vice versa so I have to explain myself every time I speak to someone. It really bugs me going over and over my medical history when it should all be in my notes. Most recently having to explain to a new GP why I am on high dose folic acid. After I'd told her about the 3 lost babies, the chromosome issues and potential NTD she apologised for making me talk about it! Just read the file then!! Grr...

Rant over, hope everyone's ok. I'm waiting to ovulate, seems late this month - been DTD since Sunday and can't be bothered any more. I kind of think it doesn't matter anyway, even if I get pg it'll be another MC so whats the point?

scaryduck I know the feeling of just not being bothered anymore, Ive been trying on and off for 3 years now and Im so very close to thinking fuck it all, Im just happy with what Ive got - But I know if I do Ill always wonder what could have been, so that forced me to keep on going and in between I eat lots of chocolate and watch crap tv to block it out!

And as for the nhs and there lack of phrasing correctly - if it makes you feel better, we once had a dr come out to my house when I was looking after my nan who was terminally ill. It was written in big bold letters across the top of her file that she was on palliative care at home, This dr was called to look at a bed sore that had burst - after a while he packed his bags and started to leave, and I asked what he was going to do, he said he was referring her to a different department and we would receive a letter with a new appointment to attend a new clinic .

His face was a picture when I got the file and read it to him! So no, its not just the rmc clinic who are crap at such things - seems its across the board! My sonographer though, has been the most amazing lady ever, and I cant say anything bad about her, shes often seen me breakdown crying and always gives me hugs, she must see this daily but she always treats you as an individual, rather than just another one its happened to.

Nice point about your sonographer Flyn. I've also had my fair share of amazing medical staff, especially the nurses at the EPU, they are so kind. Although I'm at the stage now where I can't take any more pity so I prefer it when they are not quite so nice!!

I feel the same about thinking maybe I'll just give up on all this, but I know I can't do that. At least not yet, I think one day I will have no choice left. Also going for the chocolate and crap tv - catching up on Dr Foster just now, excellent distraction!

Hello ladies.

How is everyone? Anne has been quiet this week. I hope she is ok and has just been busy with lots of nice things.

Well my op is done which is a relief. I am surprisingly sore! The consultant seems happy enough with how.
it went. I've got to take oestrogen for 6 weeks and have a scan in 5 to check my endometrium. Then should be able to start trying again eek! Just in time for a little mini-break to Seville DH and I have planned.

The registrar that I spoke to before is writing a PhD on uterine septums and recurrent miscarriage so it is nice to know there's research going on outside of the big main centres. Also, I've my third loss was due to a chromosomal problem and there is a study about to begin on that for women under 35 so I'm going to partake on that and hopefully it'll help other ladies one day.

Am I right in thinking a fair few of you are in the dreaded TWW? I hope you've got some nice distracting things planned for the weekend. And those with recent BFPs I hope you're doing ok.

So happy it's over for you keepon and now you get to recover and rest up for a bit with a lovely trip away to keep up your spirits. Im also so happy when I hear of new research surrounding this topic, its a step in the right direction as far as i'm concerned.

Hope everyone else is good aswell, Lisa Hope you have something nice planned for the weekend after a miserable week, and Anne I think you have an acupuncture appt for tomorrow, hope it goes well for you too

Really glad to hear it went well, keepon, and I hope you don't feel sore for too long. Study sounds interesting, too. Coventry said they'd let me know next time they were starting a study relevant to me - obviously I'd like to be happily and healthily pregnant ASAP, but if that doesn't happen then participating in a study seems like a way of getting some more focused care in many cases, and, as you say, it means you can help other women.

I've also missed anne - hoping all is ok.

Ok, one more thing about this bloody appointment on Tuesday and then I promise I'll shut up about it for evermore! I wrote a feedback email and sent it to a friend for her opinion on whether I was being over-sensitive/ranty before sending it. She said all the other parts - which focused on information I wasn't given or which was unclear - were good, but that this one is too subjective and that they might feel I'm trying to tell them how to do their jobs. Thoughts? I'm a bit reluctant to take it out entirely, but maybe friend is right? This is what I wrote:

"Dr [X] informed me that the tests had all come back clear, and so that the miscarriages were 'just bad luck'. I found this phrase distressingly trivialising and also inappropriately unmedical. I would have much preferred to be told this in the appropriate medical terms, e.g. 'we believe that these were random, unconnected events' or 'we believe that there is no underlying cause'. I would like to acknowledge that when I became upset Dr [X] did apologise for the phrase, but then said that I had been 'quite unfortunate', which I also found inappropriate and distressing. Throughout the appointment I felt that the impact that my pregnancy losses had had upon me was dismissed. In my previous appointment on 11/7 the doctor had begun the appointment by saying 'I am really sorry that you've had such a difficult time'. Just that brief acknowledgement that this was an emotional as well as a medical issue made a huge difference to me as a patient. The fact that I had such varying experiences suggests to me that this should perhaps be something that is discussed across the department."

If it were me, I would leave it in, you have worded what I would like to tell my doctor so much better than I ever could.

I would perhaps add to the last sentence:
The fact that I had such varying experiences suggests to me that the terminology in dealing with these particular types of cases should perhaps be something that is discussed across the department."

Hi ladies
Really tentative wave to some lovely ladies that I unfortunately know from some other threads.
Just popping on to ask @keeponrunning85 if I can pm you about your op? I'm not sure if you are aware and I know I got loads of messages last week from some of you ladies but wasn't really taking much in, but our most recent precious pregnancy ended at 27 weeks when our beautiful baby girls heart stopped beating. We are waiting for pm etc but I would like to speak to someone about uterus shape issues so if you are ok with having a bit of a chat about who you have been seeing that would be fab.
We are a very long way off ttc again but just feel that if there are ops or treatments that need to be considered now then it would be best to try and get those sorted whilst we give ourselves the time to grieve for our beautiful Eilidh. It is very hard to think about trying again without something drastic changing.
Hope it's ok to hang out with you a little bit even if we aren't ttc. I can always offer help on various things that we have tried on our journey so far.

Miami I'm so sorry about what happened to you, it's absolutely devastating. I was following the other thread you were on, such a terrible, unfair thing to happen. You're very brave to be back on here so soon, and thinking about the future (very tentatively), and very kind to offer support to others.

I'm genuinely blown away by the strength of the women on these forums.

Oh Miami I was so sorry to hear that you lost little Eilidh. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Yes of course, feel free to PM me about it. I'm more than happy to answer your questions. And ease do stay around even though you're not currently TTC. I'm not at the moment either but still finding the group lovely and supportive.

Lisa, thought I better wait until this morning to read your msg again and reply as I was in something of a fog last night! I think it sounds perfectly reasonable and if I received something similar I wouldn't interpret it as being told how to do my job. I think it is an important issue to raise. I guess one thing to bear in mind is that not all patients like to hear information in the same way and it can be very difficult to know how to go about it with each patient, particularly if you haven't met them before. But I don't think the 'just bad luck' phrase is ever appropriate even with your first miscarriage. To me being told it is very common also wasn't helpful, because all I thought was well it is much more common to not have a miscarriage and get to have a baby!

The term 'products of conception' should never be used with patients in my opinion. Fortunately for me my hospital have always been very good as referring to it as 'the pregnancy' which I much prefer.

Miami I am so very sorry for your completely devastating loss. If you do think that posting here will be of any help at all to you then please do stick around - I wasn't actively TTC-ing when I started it, and there are other people here who aren't either.

Thanks so much flynn and keepon - I agree with your change, flynn, and will put it in. Reassuring to know that a doctor doesn't think it's too much, keepon! I hated the 'it's very common' thing because to me it always seemed to come with a side of 'so shut up about it'; people do at least seem to have stopped saying that after the third one.

SIL who has also had issues conceiving sent us a lovely card the other day with a pressed 4 leaf clover inside which a friend had given her probably 20 years ago for good luck with having children. They adopted 5 in the end so she said she hoped it would work for us too. I thought that was the sweetest most thoughtful thing.

Miami - what can I say, I am devestated for you, what an awful thing to happen. Eilidh is a beautiful name and I am sure she is beautiful too. Take your time as I'm sure it's such a difficult thing to process. Peace to your sweet daughter.