TTC after recurrent miscarriage

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Hi, just wondering if anyone else was in a similar place to me and wanted to chat about it? I'm 30, TTC my first and have had three miscarriages, all early (two natural MCs at five weeks, then a MMC where a scan at 6+5 revealed development had again stopped at 5 weeks). I've had RMC tests and am just waiting on the results of that but hoping to be able to TTC again from my next period, which should come any day now. I've found throughout the whole thing (have been TTC just over a year now) that it's really helped me to chat with people in similar positions, so if anyone wants to be TTC buddies please let me know!

Seriously?! Some people really have no idea. Although I am with Anne and kind of wish I hadn't missed it. Has the thread been removed?

Finger crossing for you Lisa and all you other hopeful twats

Fox my OPKs are dunkers - I have these off Amazon, they are v cheap so you could always try them out and see if you get on with them or not. They work perfectly. I've given up though, am "lucky" enough to get pre-ov pain so I usually have some idea when it's coming. Although messed up this month!

Yes, I'm sure it was wonderful in the days where women died of ectopic pregnancy because we didn't know how to diagnose it

I don't know if IVF is covered here as we haven't got that far yet, it probably depends on the reasons why and your health insurance.

From what you say, they sound like a bunch of arseholes. Yes, you never really get how shit it is till it happens to you. No, there's no excuse for people being twattish and minimising the awfulness of pregnancy loss.

My mum has come out with some unintentional corkers. Recently we've had a repeat of "darling it all seems so difficult. It's a wonder anyone managed to get pregnant in my day. I was so so lucky. All the children I wanted and exactly when I wanted them".

Yes mother, I fucking know. There's no bloody logic or sense to any of it. I'm trying my bloody best.

Also with my last one "is it like a heavy period? It probably is. I've had some awful periods". Nope. I too have heavy periods. I was losing yet another precious desperately wanted baby. It's a totally different type of physical/mental/emotional fucking pain.

When I told her I'd started temping she said she'd done it when they were ttc my brother. And guess what? Only lasted a month as she got pregnant straight away.

I know she loves me, is heartbroken and so disappointed for me. And I really don't think I'm particularly sensitive. But every now and then it's just a kick in the nuts. She's genuinely baffled by my inability thus far to actually have a baby. Well, this wasn't how I'd imagined it either.

I expect we've all been on the other side of it so to also see it on a forum like this must be appalling.

Rant over. I've had a big gin, sorry... Hope everyone's okay tonight.

H everyone, Im sadly recognising so many names from previous threads i've been on - I was buddah101 on them, Miami There are no words for you lovely, I'm just absolutely gutted for you and know whenever you feel like we are all available to listen to you rant, scream, shout whatever it is you need to do xx

anne glad to see you back, and sorry you have a mother like that, as lovely as they re, I'm watching my friend go through IVF with a similar mother and she often calls me in tears over something stupid her mum has said to her that day. I just think its so hard for people to understand unless they've been through it, like an awful lot of situations sometimes its just better to give a hg and let them know they are there for you if they ever feel like it, rather than go in with, well judy and rich got married and were pregnant within 2 months so im sure it can happen for you .

I got speaking to another lady recently, someone I met through taking Jake to school and weve kind of bonded over stupid things, she confided in me at the weekend that shes been trying for a baby for2 years and had 8 Miscarriages in that time - I couldnt believe it! Just goes to show you really dont have any idea of what goes on behind closed doors.

scaryduck I use those opk's too, how do you find them, I wrote upthread about them showing 2 lines all the time for me and I can't work out how to read them properly still after nearly 2 years! Do you read them right away? Sometimes they dont show anything, then I go back a few hours later and the 2 lines are there both the same colour, As cheap as they are I struggle with them!.

And I saw that other thread, I only made it half way down page 1, Im sorry for those that got further and its caused upset, some people are just truly vile.

I think I'm out this cycle - BFN on a FRER at 12dpo. I guess I'll take the progesterone today and tomorrow and test again at 14dpo as instructed, but I'm counting myself out - slightly disappointed, of course, but it seemed too much to hope that I'd fall our first cycle back trying, so I didn't much have my hopes up.

Sorry about your mum not getting it and making insensitive comments, Anne. Mine has generally been great (she had a miscarriage before me) but she did once come out with the 'in my day you'd have just thought it was a heavy period' line

Hi op, I just wanted to share my experience, I had 3 mcs pretty close together, after I had my first dc. We stopped trying for one year, to have a physical and emotional rest, then tried again and got pregnant the third month. He's fast asleep upstairs right now. There is hope, best of luck. Xx

Ah, sorry to hear that Lisa. It's so disappointing even if you didn't have your hopes up too much.

Flynn I think those OPKs are pretty good, but for me they show up positive actually on the day of O so were really just confirming what I already knew from other symptoms. I found them useful in my early days of cycle watching though to show when the LH was going up. They def take a while to show a line though - I'd say anywhere between 10 - 20 minutes. I got best results when doing them when I got in from work at 6, and reminding myself not to drink much for the 2 hours before.

Amazon HPT strips are also good if people are looking for cheap tests. Not that I encourage constant POAS of course

Anne your mum sounds a bit like mine. She came out with some corkers when I had my first MC - all the classics like at least i know I can get pregnant, blah blah blah. She also told me that if she was in my position she'd just give up altogether. Which is doubly insulting as it means she wouldn't have bothered to have me. Thanks, mum! She is really supportive and I know she doesn't mean anything bad but still....

Sorry, missed your earlier post about the PGD yesterday Scary. The odds do seem pretty crappy. And yes you're right, ultimately it always comes down to how many miscarriages you can handle, which is a very difficult question to answer. When I had my first miscarriage I told myself I would stop after 4 and here I am trying to mentally prepare for a 5th role of the dice.

Sorry you're having a tricky time with your Mum Anne. I think we all have that person who manages to get it wrong time and time again. Not long after MC number 4 my difficult friend said 'well let's be honest, 4 babies would have been a lot to handle wouldn't it'. I think I was so shocked she'd say something so ludicrous I just didn't respond at all.

Sorry about the BFN Lisa.

Also, don't know if anyone else is aware of this but it is pregnancy loss week this week. Will anyone do anything particular to mark it?

Pregnancy loss awareness week, rather.

Sorry for the rant, I didn't mean to sound so bitter, and I feel bad in the cold light of sober day as my Mum's amazing and often says exactly the right things and can be the best support ever. But I guess that's the point, even though she loves me and wants so much to be what I need, due to her own fertility excellence she struggles with where we're at now. Thank you for getting it, and sorry some of you have dealt with breathtakingly shit comments as well! Aren't people weird.

I saw that Sunday was the wave of light keepon, I'll light some candles and send some love out there to all the people who have been and are going through this. Hadn't thought about anything specific to us. I'm dreading 4 November which is a year since we had the bad scan with my MMC but it's fireworks and my DSC will be here, so I'll have a think about having a remembering day this Sunday. How about you?

Sorry about BFN Lisa, of course it's shit and disappointing, give yourself a chance to feel sad about it you need to. Hard not to get sucked into the hope of the first cycle back ttc as so many people seem to have that happen as well.

Your poor friend flynn, I wish her success with her treatment. It's awful when you realise what the people around you are going through in silence, but - like we have here - a huge comfort to share with others who understand that having babies isn't always that straight forward.

You know testing and luteal phases? My LP seems to be exactly 13 days. So how come twice I've had a BFN at 12dpo and then a BFP at 14dpo?

Keeponrunning
It's Eilidh's funeral on Thursday and the wave of light ceremony is on in Edinburgh on Sunday for baby loss awareness. Not sure we will be able to go this year, may just all be too raw so soon after loosing her.
I am trying to work up the courage to change my profile pic on Facebook to show the candle or something for baby loss awareness week. So many people on there didn't even know we were pregnant though so not sure I can go there. Feel like a bit of a wimp about it all to be honest. It just all feels so personal but at the same time I want everyone to know her name and that she was real. And I feel the same about the miscarriages. Like they were real and that they could have been my take home babies but we will never know why they weren't.
My community midwife was here at the end of last week, I really don't like her attitude in general but she said to have a think about timings of trying again to try and avoid anniversaries. My DH said he was so proud of me cos I just completely shut her down and said, well I think once you have experienced three pregnancy losses that the dates involved can't put you off trying again or otherwise we wouldn't have much options and also having had two miscarriages before Eilidh we know that just getting pregnant is hardly any comfort at all. We know we can get pregnant - it's the fucking staying pregnant that is the problem. Anyway I hope I never have to see her again. Of everyone we have dealt with she really has pissed me off.
Anne sorry your mom is being thoughtless. I have agreed with DH to just try and let other people and the stupid things they say wash over me a bit. Unfortunately until they are in your shoes they just don't get it. Even family.
Had to have a word with my oldest sister last night about bearing in mind that this is our loss and that any way we deal with it is just that. Our way. She is being a bit overpowering about the whole thing. Anyway she arrives tomorrow, I am hoping she calms down a bit once she sees us.

Miami will keep you and your family in my thoughts on Thursday. What a horrible silly midwife! For goodness sake, didn't she think about what she was saying?

Anne luteal phase isn't connected with when you'll get a BFP - BFP is purely in relation to when your hCG reaches the level a test can pick up. My mum can be a bit strange about fertility too as she's never had any issues but thankfully I have my stepmum to talk to as she had two miscarriages in between her pregnancies and DH's sisters and mum all know about miscarriages/infertility. I did actually tell my mum that her positivity was a bit much, I hope she took it in the nice way I intended.

I don't feel like doing anything for pregnancy loss awareness for myself.

Scary/Keep/etc At the moment I feel like I'd rather keep having miscarriages than do IVF but aware that may change, especially if we have a lot more or if we start having them later on. I don't know. But we can discuss options with the specialist when we see them anyway.

flynn with OPKs they are supposed to always show two lines, you've got to look at the darkness of the lines in relation to each other. Normally the test line will be lighter than the control line, when the test line looks darker, then it's positive. When they are the same it means you're close to your surge. It's possible to miss the surge, but you should see a darkening and then lightening after ovulation. You want to take them in the afternoon, rather than in the morning like pregnancy tests but if you think you're close to your surge you can take them twice a day if you like.

Here's an example - the last one is positive.

i46.tinypic.com/10rmj60.jpg

Another pic, clearer: www.appleseedfertility.com/uploads/4/1/5/3/41532581/7415621.png?412

Oh Miami the last thing you need at the moment is healthcare professionals making ridiculous comments like that. I'm proud of you for standing your ground and I very much hope she has reflected on it and learnt something from it. You are very much in my thoughts for this week, and especially for Thursday.

I think I shall light a candle on Sunday and make a donation to one of the miscarriage charities.

I don't know if any of you have been made aware but on parliament tv (I'm so sad) right now is the live parliamentary "debate" on baby loss and it's fascinating.

Haha, I enjoy a parliamentary debate too Play, sorry to have missed that one.

Miami I've just caught up and read your posts, I'm so sorry to hear about Eilidh, and I will be thinking about you and your DH on Thursday. Midwife sounds crap as well, great that you told her what's what though, well done. I just nod politely when health professionals say stupid things so good for you standing up for yourself. Last MC I had, one nurse said "I just don't know how you go on" which was particularly unhelpful

I'm not sure where I stand on pregnancy loss awareness - on the one hand I think it is so important to talk about it, on the other hand, talking about it leads to the stupid comments! I didn't tell a soul about my last loss, just don't see the point anymore. But then, the stupid comments are because of lack of awareness so it's a vicious circle really. I spent this afternoon at work listening to people talking about their babies (3 people, one for each time I would have been due) and I really wanted to tell them why it hurt me so much, but it's too personal and i don't want people at work knowing that about me.

Oh I didn't know they were having a debate. What happened?

Scary I feel the same and I think I'll probably be more comfortable talking about it in later years when we're not TTC any more.

Miami I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that insensitive midwife on top of everything else. I too hope you never have to see her again.

I also feel torn on how open to be about our problems - I actually regret some of the people I told early on, because it's horrible when I can see them looking at me and thinking, 'still not pregnant', or, worse, looking at me hopefully when I do have an orange juice or whatever. I also don't like telling people because although most people have been kind and thoughtful, the few idiotic comments have hurt so badly that it doesn't feel worth the risk. It's sad, really - I barely remember the many kind and comforting things said, whereas the friend who said that since they were so early my three miscarriages were 'like the time he failed his driving test' - that one sticks with me and still makes me well up a bit.

Debate sounds interesting, I love a bit of politics. Anyone got a link to any info?

My hopeful twattishness went into overdrive yesterday

Was so nauseous on the way home I nearly chundered, lay on the sofa heaving, then ate some breadsticks and felt better. Boobs nearly doubled in size, super veiny and incredible sore. I had a sharp stab in my left ovary area and a short case of the fanny daggers. It was eventful. And quite familiar.

Af due Saturday. Feeling back to normal this morning.

Testing again tomorrow Lisa?

It's lovely you're close to your stepmum Bertie. Was your Mum being positive in an "it'll all be alright" sort of way?

I've swung between feeling comforted when people have said that and felt as though of course they're right and it will be fine, and rage at how the hell could they possibly know, loads of people end up childless not by choice and there's no justice to any of it so they should piss off. When it's the latter, I tend to grimace and nod then walk away.

Jesus Lisa, what a twat. Have you imagined how you could have replied to tell him to keep his stupid fucking comparisons to himself? Then if you find yourself thinking about it again you can finish the memory with a vision of you smashing his face into a wall, or a haughty reply and him apologising.

I can relate to the enquiring/sad looks about whether I'm pregnant again/why's it taking so long.

I don't find it too hard to talk about, sometimes it's really helpful. But it depends who with and in what context. Having a couple of close people I can talk to, just about how shit it is sometimes, what I feel is missing, is really good.

Funny who's never once brought it up though - neither of my SIL's has ever said a single word. I'd told them both I was pregnant and I'm close to my brothers so they were in the loop on the MMC. I was in a right state, in hospital a few times etc, and I don't think I got a single message from either of them. Saw them a week later at a birthday and it was like it had never happened. Not sure if it's a relief or a bit sad.

She has such a beautiful name Miami, I had to google it work how to pronounce is. "Radiant one", that's so beautiful.

We'll all be with you in spirit tomorrow xxxx

And I agree, what a thoughtless cow. You're so brave to speak up rather than sitting there like a lemon like I've done a few times! Maybe she'll think twice before being an idiot next time she has a grieving couple on front of her.

In his (slight) defence I did tell him it was a fucking stupid comparison and he did apologise. He just didn't get it though - he also said 'does it really matter if you can't have children? Wouldn't you be as happy adopting?'. He apologised because he'd upset me but I could see he couldn't see why I would be upset. It's a shame because we've barely spoken since and were once close.

I think that's pretty rubbish of your SILs to not even send a text expressing sympathy. I know a lot of people feel they don't know what to say, but surely 'I'm so sorry' is a fairly obvious option?