TTC after pregnancy loss: We're nervous, we're hopeful, we're checking all the charts and taking all the vits!

[BertieBotts]

Welcome back all and welcome new posters.

Lisa, I agree also. The first time round I did emotionally invest in it though - although I knew early mc was 1 in 4, I told myself so many times that it was far more likely to be successful than unsuccessful, that I convinced myself it wouldn't happen. Then it did and it was a huge blow, even if I was through surgery by just over 8 weeks. The second time (natural at 6 weeks) was so much easier but I think that's more to do with much I distanced myself more than anything else. I do feel thankful they happened early but I think it can really depend on so many things how people react to them, regardless of what stage.

Smurf, so so pleased your scan went well! Not surprised you're anxious for the next though - only natural. I've also found ice lollies are the only thing I can stomach! I've been living on those and lemonade.. can't be very healthy! Ah well.

Orange, welcome. It sounds like such a tough journey you've been on! I agree with Bertie though - 2 consecutive mc's and then TFMR is certainly worrying enough and could be investigated if it was something you wanted maybe?

Hello to anyone new; sorry you find yourselves here but it's a very supportive place to be.

Yes to all the previous posters who talked about significant dates, this year on Mother's Day I was excitedly thinking 'this time next year!' Only to lose the next month. Then on Father's Day, same thought but lost the next month too.
I have a wedding tomorrow & I dreamed about buying a maternity outfit but no. I know I'll feel sad putting on my 'normal' dress.
My first due date is October & I'm dreading it completely, I don't want to think how I'll be.
It's not helping that I'm convincing myself I could be pg, despite stark white hpts! I'm peeing on anything pretty much & digging opks out of my bathroom in to compare them.

How do all of you guys keep your crazy at bay?

Thank you unicorns. X

Lisa, I almost pmed you but I think it's important those kinds of convos are public so that people know how common losses are. Yours are no less important or upsetting than any others so don't feel like you need to downplay or feel guilty about how you feel about them. Sending hugs. Xx

My due date is 4th sept... same day as AF is due. 🤔🙄

to those who've recently mc and are feeling the pressure to conceive again quickly to quash the pain of those significant dates. After my first v traumatic mc I was desperate to be pregnant again and I did fall quickly, but I had a second mc also at 9w. It's now over 2 years since then and with 4 more early mc I won't pretend it's been easy but I am still here, still going and currently pregnant again. More hopeful than I've been for a long time.

I don't know if that helps or sounds awful so I'm sorry if I've expressed it badly but I just wanted to say that whatever happens (which I hope is a quick conception and uncomplicated pregnancy for all of you), there is hope beyond that urgency and even after all those special dates have long passed.

@LisaSimponsbff The stage of your pregnancies don't matter, what you felt/feel does. I mmc at 12 weeks, bubba was only 6. The love I had for them on the first day would've only spread throughout the whole pregnancy had it reached the 9 months, not improved. If that's how you feel (or not) then that's okay too. No-one can take your feelings or them away from your heart regardless.

@MsJuniper No it was perfect I hope your current pregnancy is a healthy one

Thanks for all the nice messages - I wasn't looking for particular sympathy, so sorry if it came across like that! As I said, I had really, really strong emotions with my last one in particular, and I suppose there is some grief there - I definitely feel a lot of upset at 'what might have been', particularly when I see other's bumps etc. But for me the really dominant feeling is fear - when I cry it's not really about mourning what happened, it's always a terror that this will never stop happening and I'll never have children. So it really is so, so helpful to hear stories like yours, msjuniper - please don't apologise at all, and I'm so glad you're feeling hopeful at the moment.

I'm sure we all have that fear when it's your first baby. I certainly do. I've been TTC on and off since 2013 and at points it feels like it will never happen. But I choose to be hopeful. I choose happiness rather than sadness. In the moments after my mmc all I could feel was incredible guilt because I was not the only one losing a baby, our parents were losing a grandchild and our siblings a little niece or nephew. The guilt has never really subsided as I know how happy they all were when we told them we were pregnant. I enjoyed that moment for only 3 weeks. And before that weeks just me and DH living in pure bliss. I have to remember those moments to push me through the darker ones. You'll get there as will I. Xxx

Thanks for the positive thoughts/words mouse. I think it'll be a bit better once I get all the recurrent miscarriage test results back - I'm fully expecting them to show nothing, but it'll be nice to know for certain whether there are any identifiable issues. It feels like they've been dragging on for-bloody-ever!

Lisa, mouse, I hear you. I've been really struggling these past couple of months and you have put in to words how I've been feeling. I feel like I've let a lot of people down and I am scared I won't have children too.

The bfps here have given me hope and this thread keeps me strong sometimes knowing although I really hate the fact we have to go through this, I'm not alone.

Ah mouse I can relate to that. MIL and FIL's excited faces come back to me all the time. Their first grandchild. Neither me or them will have that innocent excitement again.

AF is just about finished here. Not feeling like ttc is ever going to work but I think that's mainly self defence talking in case of another unsuccessful cycle. Must remember this is only cycle 4 post mc. I had a lovely dream last night that I was breastfeeding my friend's baby to give her a break. It was so calm and lovely.

My folic acid has gone all weird in the heat so I don't think I can take it. It must've got damp on the plane somehow. If I start taking it again CD16 when I get home that's ok right?

Foxtrot don't worry I'm the same with the drinking I'm struggling to find the balance of having a carefree social life and putting everything into TTC it's a hard one! I wouldn't worry though, it sounds like you have been through a lot I'm so sorry to hear that

My scan is done. No ectopic! Yay!

But one of my worse fears is happening. It's twins again. I miscarried twins at 9 weeks and now it's twins again. What are the chances...

Wow Lime that's great news that it's not ectopic. I know you must be feeling shaky about another twin pregnancy. We all have everything crossed for you and I guess all you can do is take it one day at a time. I know there are so many moments in each of those days together through though!

*to get through though!

Just bought some B3; anyone else take this?

Lime, wonderful news that all is well. I completely understand your fear - I also miscarried twins the first time and it's a massive worry for me too. Remember this is a new pregnancy and has every chance of being successful, twins or not twins. You know that already though, fear isn't logical. Just know that what you're feeling is normal. What did they date you at?

Thanks. I'm so scared. Getting to 7 weeks without blood will be a massive milestone. I'm only 5 weeks so very early. One sac has a baby and heartbeat. Other sac might have a flicker but can't be sure. Yolk sacs in both. Need to go back in 10 days for a rescan.

Totally missed your update Lime, great news!
Will be keeping it all crossed for 10 days time.

That's really good news, lime - I understand that it must be so scary having another twin pregnancy after losing one before, but this is a new pregnancy and it doesn't mean it'll end the same way. Hugs, and hope you're able to take your mind off the anxiety today.

foxtrot I didn't realise you'd lost your dad so recently - I'm so sorry. It must be awful having so many different griefs and I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to keep your chin up but you're being incredibly strong

Thank you all. I feel bad being so self absorbed on here. I need to catch up on the rest of the thread and see what everyone else has been up to. You ladies have given me so much support from the moment I joined.

Lime don't feel bad, we are all going through our own individual heartaches as well as those we share. Everyone here has their time when they need to talk and express their fears and also times when they feel able to support others.

Yellow I was looking at B3 but seemed so many options. Which one did you buy? Are you on the regular bits too?

stay positive lime - it sounds all good so far.

interesting reading how many of you felt following your losses. mine was a tfmr in second trimester - i grieved, but i also focused on the hope that i would just fall pg again. i put my maternity stuff at the back of the wardrobe. ive now gone past my due date, her actual birth date and her funeral and im no further on. there are days i wonder if i did the right thing. there are days i feel like not getting pg is because its not deserved or because i was selfish. and now im panicking a bit because i think ive left it too late, though the consultant said he hoped to see me again and that i would be far from a medical miracle if i did get pg again. im 45. im still ovulating. i still hope. i got a static on the opk this morning. i feel like its a lot to ask.

I'm spotting so I think I'm out this cycle. Will test if period doesn't start but I'm not really hopeful any more. Maybe I need to take some egg vitamins next cycle...