anyone else just fucked off with this lark and want to moan?

[stillvicarinatutu]

come on then.
moan away.
ill start. i m just so fucking fucked off. lost one last year at 44....i thought its a miracle!! wasnt to be but filled me with what appears to be false hope.

been trying ever since. and no. every month the same. this month as well as AF ive another surprise - a cyst. where no one ever ever wants one.
so this month will be lost. along with all dignity as i beg the hospital to lance it.

moan away. go on. you know you want to.

I know I know! I'm a moron haha! So would u test tomorrow or not? DH reckons not to but I can't help but keep clinging onto hope!

How many dpo are you? What makes you think your definitely out?

im still lurking away ladies for one last month - im cd 25. 11 dpo. ive had cramps since 9dpo. nomrally my cycle is 30 dys but i ovulated 2 days earlier than normal so im expecting af cd28. my boobs are sore, im crampy and got back ache. i want to test but i know its totally bloody futile. af will hit me cd 28 - 30. my boobs are telling me!

the worst thing is that my pal in Oz messaged me asking if i was pg. i asked why and he said i had a dream you were. i had a double rainbow here a few days ago, ( any baby now would be a rainbow after tmfr) then another friend told me theyd dreamt i was pregnant and that must hae got my creative juices flowing cos then i dreamt it too.
its horrible. i must get my head around this now and stop the madness! the likely hood of me getting pg now is less than 5%. so do i stop tracking and trying or do i just resign myself to the fact it will be a disappointing few months until im really too ancient to procreate? do i quit? do i choose a cut off? or just let nature take its course and realise this is one thing i have no control in. slide into the latter half of my 40s contraception and care free?

so bloody confused.
ovia says test tomorrow. i cant bring myself to. i just cant face another bfn. i know af is on route.

Oh @vicar how totally shit. It's complete bollocks that TTC makes you feel this rubbish! I can't offer any advice other than to lend you my ears or should that be my eyes for reading messages, so you can try to let off some of how you're feeling!

I never thought it would be this hard or emotional. How deluded

thanks mrsj i do appreciate the solidarity!

i dont normally cramp until day af is due. my boobs are hurting more than usual. but i just cant face a bfn. id rather wait until af hits! i feel like this is my last month to try. i dont know why i just do. im gonna sy something crazy now. while i was dozing off the other ight i woke up saying "MAY!!"
had i got a bfp this month my due date would be......drum roll.....
May.

i feel this is just particularly cruel. my mind is playing tricks. the reality is - if i was pg now, id be 3 months past 46 when i gave birth assuming the same didnt happen as last time. im not sure i could face that again.
im too old. i have to face this fact and learn to live with it.

so. my plan is to slide into the latter half of middle age contraception free (is that totally irresponsible?) but to stop tracking. to give over. to say thats it - embrace middle age and get some holidays in. Thailand again in feb.
dp could have committed to me at 42. maybe then id have had a shot. who knows. but now its too late and i have to accept it. it doesnt matter how old i look or feel. my body is 45. i think ive had blind faith which is so misplaced!

Oh vicar I really don't have any advice still have my fingers crossed for you though!

@mrsjones17 I didn't test as my temp dropped some more.

@stillvicarinatutu can you perhaps stop tracking and just let nature take it's course... I don't think it's impossible, like I say I was on a thread a couple of years ago with a 43 year old who had previously had egg donor IVF an then went on to conceive naturally with one tube! Any thing is possible!

I get cramps from 8dpo every month and it's always AF :(

Good mornin ladies!
Right then here goes nothing! Ttc 2.5yrs, 35 yrs & I've totally lost the plot, the will and on some days my marbles! Took the plunge and went to see the gp this week so I'm booked in for bloods etc. Feel a little bit scared but also better that we've took the step.
FFS if one more tw@tty person asks me when or why we haven't had kids I will literally shout "why don't you keep your effing nose out!" But so far I've managed to politely divert the convo (but I think I may not be able to hold off much longer)
Well this ttc malarkey started off well, taking the vitamins, eating healthy keeping a healthy bmi, ovulation tests, dtd regularly. Fast forward 2.5yrs and I'm sick of taking vits, sick of the ovulation kits and quite frankly sick of shagging! Oh and official my bmi indicates I'm over weight now Fml! Honestly think I've become a psycho, I swing from joyous and optimistic to angry, depressed and a total kill joy! At least I can feel better that I'm not the only one who put off making plans for holidays etc ( OH thought I was bonkers) well bugger it I've booked a hol for next July- sticking two fingers up at the fertility witch right here!
It's so hard when your a private person and a part of me wished I could put it out there n tell the world like some people do but I couldn't deal with the "you pregnant yet?" every month, F off you nosy beggars! Me and my OH don't even discuss it with family. My parents had me and my brother in their mid 20's and are very much of the tough love, straight talking type. As much as I know they love us I know my mother will be like "well you know your fertility declines in your thirties, you shouldnt have left it till now" yes mother I am totally aware and I battle every month with the inner turmoil of the thoughts of my eggs dimishing every month. So I just can't take that at the mo.
Bloody hell feel this is a crazy rant and in reality there are far worse things happening in the world but the obsessive nature of long term ttc is really getting on my small and slightly asymmetric T@ts!
Nice to read everyone's posts and know we are not alone in the shittiest of circumstances and also that unfortunately there are insensitive, nosey assholes everywhere! if only it were exceptable to slap everyone that asked (sigh) Let's all have some and

welcome Kelou feels good to get that off your chest though eh! ?

im at work so must run....
and thanks for the support ladies....juney i think after this month i might try that the prolem is now i always have some inkling of where i am in the cycle....i dont know quite how to stop my mind tracking it!

im cd 26 and symtom spotting is driving me insane against my common sense telling me better.

i think somehow i need to get back to a different mindset. the if it happens it happens one i had when i didnt expect it to(and then it did)

im driving myself a bit crackers. and i look demented, i keep boob prodding. they are sore. and probably more sore now as i arent leaving them alone .

af due 2 days.

I am totally fucked off and reading this thread is a tonic, thank you ladies. Sat in a wedding party with pregnant ladies talking about their bumps and babies and i I just miscarried our first after 2+ years of trying and help from the NHS. I feel so defeated and so angry at how UNFAIR it is 😔

Urgh that sounds horrendous Kerry :(

Hope you got through the wedding kerry.

Yes. 35. Started TTC last year, which resulted in 1MC, 4 Chemical pregnancies. All within a year!
Why can't it be easy? I'm threaders with it.

Ah that's shit ima sorry to hear of your losses :(

AF arrived today EARLY?! and my next FW is when I'm sleeping in a tent for 8 nights... brilliant.

Something to tell the grandkids?!?

AF arrived with a vengeance! Woke up at 3.30am with awful back pain and cramps. Just in time for me to complete a traithlon today too!! Agh!!!

MMC in June, AF arrived today. Sick to the back FKN teeth of every fker posting their "so in love" "love my bump" "I'm pregnant" "look at my belly" pics!

Have some FKN consideration for others, don't be so FKN self absorbed and insensitive! And how many times can you actually write "lovely", "you're looking so good" on so many fk off pictures! 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Been following the thread but in the background. AF due tomorrow and have already had 4 negative tests this week so expecting the witch to arrive. Going to see my GP this week for a chat about what's going on, hoping she will offer me some blood tests or something. I'm so exhausted with it all now and the few friends I've confided in about it just don't get it. Anyone else feel like it's such a lovely journey?

It's a horribly lonely journey. People constantly say it takes time and to stop temping but they don't realise I only get two shots a month and I need to time it correctly.

What a refreshing thread

TTC for 17 months now, lost track a bit of cycles as have gone from regular 29 days to irregular ling cycles over the last 9 months. I think this is due to a medication change but GP says not (despite the literature in the meds saying to contact GP urgently if any chanfes in cycles) Dh has been seriously ill during this time too and I've been poorly myself (hence change in meds) I'm 34 been married 2 years so feel that weight of expectation on me and the inevitable questions and even people including family members mistakenly thinking I look pregnant a couple of times! This year everyone seems to be having babies or getting pregnant including out ndn so we hear their lo through the wall frequently. My younger DB is also batting out of turn (though he has confided it took them 12 months which made me feel better, couldn't have beared it if it had been an 'acident')

The thing that I find hardest is the stealth fertility boasts from people who decide its not enough to announce their pregnancy, but also how surprised they were it happened straight away first try (got 2 of them at work, 1 who knows how long we've been trying) I've also had comments fom my DM and DAunt about how easily they fell pregnant each time, and both MIL and BILs kids were unplanned too.

Also theres a late night advert I keep seeing for contraception which quotes the statistic that nearly 50% of pregnancies are unplanned that makes me just want to yell at the TV "how can that possibly be possible, it's so hard".

And the cruelest thing is my own body, since stopping the pill I get ovulation sickness, so spend 2 weeks every month feeling sick for no good reason at all. This month I have ovulated late I think ( judging by ewcm and nausea) which has coincided with the sickness starting at what would be 6 weeks if I was pregnant, keep having to poas to remind myself I'm not before my imagination gets carried away with me.

Ahh rant over feel better for that.

im so glad i started this thread.

AF arrived today. while dtd (for fun obs - it still happens! lol)

ive decided at 45 to be realistic and accept my baby days may well be done. im going to book 2 hoidays. drink lots of wine. (LOTS) sortout our doer upper house
and try to enjoy my"freedom" .

Sounds good to me vicar we are thinking of booking a holiday too!

I'm drunk right now.

ah juney. drunk is justified. enjoy. im finishing a really nice bottle of red. x

Vicar I'm also very glad you started this wonderfully supportive thread!

Hope your Sunday is hangover free!
AF arrived right on time this morning so will be indulging in a g&t at the pub later.