SQUARE ONE'RS TO GRADUATES! Morale & energy is low, but we will not be beaten, BFPs WILL be achieved in this here thread!

[Tee4me]

Roll call:

Tee4me: 34 years old
TTC: #2 since December 2015
DC: DS nearly 5 years old
x2 early MCs
Diagnosed with high level of activated NK cells with positive result for Antinuclear Antibodies plus Hypothyroidism.
About to embark on 1st cycle with medication (from ovulation).
CD7 and gearing up for FW!

Welcoming original square-oner's and any newbies battling along and in need some support x

[Tee4me]

Morning all,
How is everybody?
I've kicked off the steroid plan today! Think I ovulated yesterday as had a positive opk Thursday. Was positive yesterday too though so guess the egg could drop today. CD13 and we DTD CD7, 8, 10, 11, 12 & 13. DH has been an absolute trooper, even instigating this morning's bonk, so massive brownie points to him. We've done everything we can so I'm doing my absolute best to relax and let the TTC Gods decide if this is our month. Stress and worry will do more harm than good x

[Jamon]

Well done tee and mr tee I've got a good feeling about you this month x

[physicskate]

Me too Jam!

Wanted to see how you're getting on with the thyroxine? Have you seen your GP yet?

Cd 12 so at least a week to go until ov! I really really really hate these longer cycles... I've started taking vit B again, but pretty sure that made my cycles even longer when I took it before... so now thinking maybe only from (eventual) bfp?

Jam, how are you getting on? are you long or short protocol do you know yet?

[Tee4me]

Thanks girls.

GP booked for Friday. I've printed off a fact sheet from British Thyroid Foundation which clearly states TSH should be

[Jamon]

Kate that is a long wait for egg, how annoying. Are you keeping an eye on OPKs or having regular sex in case?

Protocol - don't know yet. Our kick off appointment is in 10 days so will find out more then. I can't wait but at the same time starting to get scared about the outcome. I feel like IVF is the last resort. Want to approach it positively but not see it as a guarantee.

Tee I get a bit bamboozled by all the supplement advice. I just take pregnacare currently. I'll definitely think about more B3 and baby aspirin but will see what our consultant recommends as don't want to overload myself with stuff.

[physicskate]

Jam - I'd be getting excited at this point if I were you which is dangerous. Low expectations and all... we are Dtd every other day. I don't opk until cd 18... maybe this is why I think they suspect some pcos?

How bad is this: even ovia is telling me to go to a doctor!!?

Third wedding anniversary tomorrow so we're off to Leeds for a slap up meal. Should be nice as long as I can stop thinking about this!!!

[Tee4me]

Happy Anniversary Mr & Mrs Physics!
Hope you have an enjoyable meal with lots of post dinner bonking! x

[Jamon]

Happy wedding anniversary Kate!

[Mimilicious013]

Hope you enjoyed your anniversary @kate

Hie @jam and @tee. Hope you are okay.

[Tee4me]

Morning Mimi, how are you? Have you had your bookings appointment yet? When is your scan? Hope you've been feeling ok x

[Mimilicious013]

I'm fine @tee, thanks. I have a scan on the 23rd , am so excited. I have been lucky this time around. It seems l had more symptoms when I was ttc than l have now lol.

How is the medication, hope it's not making you sick?

[Tee4me]

⭐️ CD16, Cycle 20 or 21, 3 or 4 dpo ⭐️

Wow Mimi! Just over a week to go, eeeekkkk!!!!!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Yes I'm feeling good. I've been on the Thyroxine for 3 weeks now, and I must say, I'm feeling quite lifted. Much less lethargic in the mornings and generally more energy throughout the day. Could just be my optimism and excitement for the new TTC plan, but I know Hypothyroidism can make you feel low in many respects, so I just wonder if that medication was just what I needed, regardless of TTC. I actually feel like a new woman.
I'm also on day 4 of the steroids and so far no ill effects from that. Lots of women report weight gain and bloating, so I'm being very careful and have been going on my exercise bike for 20mins a day (don't want to do anything too strenuous) and also keeping check that I'm not eating more.
Have to take a FRER next Tuesday 😬😬😬

[Tee4me]

Tomorrow's brekkie sorted 😋
www.google.co.uk/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2017/08/10/marmite-could-prevent-miscarriages-birth-defects/amp/

[Jamon]

Ooh yes I love marmite

[physicskate]

Glad to hear thyroxine is perking you up bit! It's fantastic stuff!

Can't stand marmite and all that... Americans aren't raised with it!!!

I've cracked out the ole vit b complex to take after ov....

[Tee4me]

Vegemite is on the list too?!

[physicskate]

ugh. cringe... we do peanut butter, not fermented yeast? Might have to try it again. ew.... love it or hate it, right? The things I've done for this as yet to be conceived offspring!!! I couldn't really keep up with being vegan. I think I lasted 4 days? If someone said do X and you would fall pregnant, of course! But the uncertainty... so many people have such unhealthy lifestyles and fall pregnant, it's difficult to give up all of my slightly bad habits!

Oh I've started doing yoga with andriene jam. day 3 tomorrow... feeling it in my shoulders... I'm doing her 30 day thingy... enjoying it so far!

[Jamon]

That's what I have to remind myself Kate some people eat shit drink and smoke and never sniffed a supplement. There's no rhyme or reason

You don't have to eat marmite though - just check your supplement has B3

[Mimilicious013]

I like marmite on toast. Yummy . enjoy your breakfast @tee. Glad you are feeling like a new women .counting down to the poas date fx.your dtd pattern is remarkable.

I wake up feeling hungry and I am enjoying my food 🙈. I hope life won't gain too much weight lol.

Hope you slept well jam and kate

[physicskate]

Hi all. I'm not in a good place today. Couldn't fall asleep until sometime around 2 last night. Mulling.

I'm mad at so for making us wait as long as we did to ttc. I was more than ready at least a year before we started. I don't know how to not be mad at him for something in the past that can't be changed.

Also feeling low because I'm expecting ov this weekend and I just know it's not going to work. And then I've got fertility people next month when I firmly believe they'll say I've got no rubella immunity so we need to stop ttc at that point for three months. And or they'll say Do has no sperm. And they're going to want to do one more sodding test that takes months to get the rest of.

I'm fed up and starting to think I should just leave and let him find someone who can have kids.... and I can start over and accept that I won't have kids... how sad is that??

[Jamon]

Kate I'm in a shit place too - also barely slept last night. Think I finally drifted off at 3. Am so, so tired. Tired of all of this.

Starting to have thoughts of what our lives might be if we don't have children too. Hmmm.

Please make sure you put your relationship first though - you loved each other first and I'm sure he doesn't want anyone else.

Are you in or near London?

[physicskate]

I'm up in Yorkshire Jam...

I have the counsellor again next Tuesday. I have plenty to keep me busy with work but today is a bad day. I was kinda ok yesterday. Really thinking I might start those anti-depressants. But DH will judge me for it. Not judge, but he doesn't want me to be on them when we do eventually conceive. I can't live my life like this. I don't feel like I'm 'living' just plodding along.

I don't know what's happened, but today I feel 10x worse than yesterday.

Maybe something to do with I am sick of dtd and we didn't last night as DH went to bed before 9, even though it was a dtd night?

I think I'd be ok if someone came along and said 'no kids for you'. It's the not knowing. It's the trying to get hopeful each month. It's the resentment of him being tired. It's the fact that I feel in such a holding pattern. I think I'd leave teaching... but I'm not going to because re-training will take awhile and there wouldn't be the same maternity benefit...

Very sorry for the rambling.

Jam surely your appointment is soon? I know we can't get 'excited' about these things, but have you had access to their counsellor? I am probably the blind leading the blind... how many cycles do you get? Is it just the one? How do people do this for years and years and years?

And what happens if we don't get pregnant and have a baby???

[Jamon]

All of those thoughts and feelings I completely get. It's the unknown of it all, the complete lack of control and the feeling that it's just stretching ahead of you endlessly. How much of your life can you spend like this?

I completely understand feeling sadder when you don't have sex. It's so so so hard to keep forcing it over such a long period of time. It really gets to my DH too. Then I get upset and say he doesn't want it enough. Long term TTC is like torture. It's a massive strain on the strongest of relationships.

With IVF we get one fresh cycle and one frozen transfer. Then we would have to start paying. The way I'm seeing it at the moment is no one has said there is something wrong with us - we should be capable of conceiving our own baby. It's just a case of how and how long it will take and the toll this takes on us in the meantime.

The thing I'm most scared of is IVF working and then miscarrying. I just don't think I'd cope.

If you think you need anti depressants then I don't think you should deny yourself. If you conceive you can wean off. I really think we need to put ourselves first and do everything we can to stay mentally and physically well.

My husbands family are from West Yorkshire .. if you're anywhere near there we should meet when we're up and put the world to rights xx

[physicskate]

I'm very near to Leeds but work in Wakefield! My husbands family are over in Huddersfield, so oh yes, West Yorkshire!!

I'd love a meet up, not sure I'd make you feel more positive or pet, but we could pity party together if you're up this way!!

[Tee4me]

Oh girls I feel very emotional reading your posts. I'm so sorry you are feeling so close to/at rock bottom. It's just so cruel that some people have to go through this, often without good/clear reason. I agree with Jam that the priority must be your relationship. It will be the foundation of your little family, and you will have a little family, there are SO many options yet to be explored. You've both waited so long already, the unknown of timings is the killer, I agree. If I told you we could magic you pregnant this time next year you'd probably take that, despite the year wait right? I know I'd shake hands on that deal.
Do you have any other projects you could focus on to help distract from TTC? Are you still doing Weight Watchers Kate? Did you stop acupuncture Jam?
Wish I had better words to comfort you both. You're allowed to be angry and frustrated and that's totally normal. Hope you are being supported by those close to you too x