Is it a line? Time for some wine? Yep, it's TTC after miscarriage thread number nine.

[BertieBotts]

Hello ladies

Hope you don't mind my little poem...

Fingers crossed for some sticky beans this time.

(Newbies welcome too!)

Just been to the gp for bloods required for rmc.. And she couldn't get enough blood for all the tests so I have to go back again next week! I hate needles as it is but after three attempts nurse gave up! She got about 3 vials and needs about 3 more! :-(
Well done Anne for your running! I did a couch to 5k course before my wedding... I enjoyed it while I was doing it with a big group of others but on my own I still struggle to run for any distance!! Keep saying I'll do it again! I must try..

You're all so sweet, thank you. There were bits that weren't fun at all! But I'm going to crack on and it's a really accessible way to do it. Can't see myself as a marathon runner anytime soon, there are so many running bores at work I don't think I'll embrace it that much! but even before the miscarriages (3 in a row now, FML) I knew I needed to be much fitter and now's as good a time as any.

Stay strong WLM, rant here if it distracts you from testing before you feel you want to! xx

That's annoying smurf, sorry you have to go back. I had 7 bottles done at the RMC but to be fair to them I got 4 pages of test results so at least they eke it out for loads of tests. Can you ask for numbing cream to make it a bit easier?

Looking ahead, the most useful thing about the results was the normal range they put next to each one so you can see where yours fit in. I'm so glad I got the print outs (also emailed them to a family friend abroad for a second opinion, thankfully she agrees with the consultant!) as I believed him when he said everything was okay, but it was interesting to see what they tested for.

When are you testing swim?

Hope you won over annoying smug Laura last night conker

Hi ladies. Sorry I've been gone for so long. As it's got closer to what would have been my due date I've found it more and more difficult to read, talk or even THINK about pregnancy. Really struggling today as my period is a day late and I was absolutely convinced it was because I was pregnant but not even a HINT of a BFP this morning so I'm out. I just can't believe that in two weeks it will be what should have been my due date and I'm not even pregnant again yet. Doesn't help that my best friend is due to give birth any day now and my other best friend in about a month. When they told me they were pregnant (around the time I had my miscarriage) I comforted myself with the thought that I would at least be pregnant by the time they had their babies - but that's not going to happen. Every milestone I set in my head has been and gone. I honestly don't know how much longer I can cope, I feel completely helpless and desperate. I was referred for fertility tests just before I got pregnant - the appointment is next week and I know I'm going to go and they're going to tell me they can't help me because I got pregnant less than a year ago. Never mind that I'd been trying for a year and a half before that with no luck. I feel like I'm being punished for having miscarried.

Sorry for the word vomit. Absolutely desperately sad and hopeless today. I can't bear it. I feel like the last two and a half years have been an endless cycle of hope and loss and I just can't take it any more.

Oh peach, I'm holding your hand and giving you a massive squeeze

I wish there was something I could say or do but we can be here for you, listen and send love.

Go to the appointment, it'll hopefully be worth it just to see what they have to say.

And go easy on yourself about the babies being born. You don't have to meet them or be around the mums if it's just too difficult. They're your friends and need to respect whatever you need to keep going at the moment.

Oh Peach.

Hi All,

Loving the running chat, I used to be a keen Marathon runner (I've ran London twice) but marriage, TTC and getting a little bored with it means I don't run quite as much now but still manage 2-3 runs a week at 3-5 miles at a time. Although it's not helped me hang on to a pregnancy I do feel better for it. I do a class a week and the gym too which is called LAA (legs, abs and ass) so a good way to mix in a few different things.

I'm 4dpo now and obviously not feeling anything but already wondering if I am / aren't. Really need to keep occupied for another 10 days.

@peachgreen - I totally understand how you feel. My due date was a few weeks ago and at the time of it all happening I thought come April I'll be pregnant and it will hurt less, I didn't know then I would have another loss and another due date to worry about (September) however, I felt strangely positive on the day and light a candle and went for a walk (I think reflexology is really helping me) close friends of mine are pregnant and I have baby showers in May, June & July so who knows if I'll be pregnant then but I'm trying not to think about it at the moment.

Do mention an your appointment that you had been trying for 1.5 before the miscarriage and be honest with them about how you feel. I really hope you start to get some answers and can feel positive about the future. It's such a difficult time and it's so hard for people to understand so please vent here as we know what it feels like.

@annelovesgilbert - I had a real chuckle about your exercise regeme of shagging and yoga

@smutf123 - I had 18 vials of blood at my RMC appointment and thought I was going to pass out, somehow I didn't buy any blood test now is going to feel pretty easy now compared to that.

@anne I fell asleep!!!! My running has clearly exhausted me!!!!! I was so
Asleep I didn't even hear him come to bed! Glad you are going to persevere with the running! You will love it I promise! I have been for a v long walk with a friend this am - we bumped into dd's teacher who is off sick and ended up telling her my whole sorry miscarriage saga!!!!!
@peach - holding your hand - please do go to the appt and tell them everything - I am sure they will do some investigations - be really honest and tell them how you feel - and we are all here for you!

I'm about to go for a run right now. I also just shoved a chocolate snowball, a mini cupcake and a coffee into my mouth. I'm all about balance.

Nicola - i'm only 2DPO and caught myself thinking about when I can test this morn. 🙄

Peach - I am so sorry you are going through this today. Much love.

Peach I'm so, so sorry you're finding things so tough. So understandable. I hope The appt gives you something positive to take away.

Lookatthemoon I'm not even having unprotected dtd yet since mc, and already thinking about when I can test again. :s (probably in about two months!!!)

You lot might guilt trip me into trying the running again.

peach I'm so sorry! I can understand how hard it is! My due date has just passed and it was tough, like you and others I thought I'd be pregnant again.. I didn't think I'd have just had a second loss with the next due date being my birthday in October! But I'm clinging to the hope that the day will come for all of us and hopefully we will all have our rainbow baby soon!!
anne and nicola the bloods are horrible but I was kind of OK with it in that I hope it gives answers.. She got about 3 vials today but then my veins weren't liking her taking it. She could feel it vibrating. So she changed to another but could get much out and then another same thing. Nurse said veins just kept collapsing. I'm ok once the needle is in... But by attempt number 4 I was not particularly happy although if have let her keep going just to get it done but nurse said it wasn't going to work today. Not sure if I should be slightly concerned that my blood wasn't flowing as she said or whether it was just random. I am small so don't know if this made a difference..
nicola I definitely don't envy you with 18vials!!!

Thank you all so, so much. Normally I'm quite positive and zen about it all but recently it's been getting harder and harder. And DH who is a very happy-go-lucky "it will happen when it's meant to happen" type of person has started getting more and more upset too which is just heart-breaking. I just can't help but blame myself, I feel like I'm defective in some way. Which I know is so silly. My best friends who are pregnant have both been great - one has been through miscarriage and had fertility issues herself so is SO understanding and kind about it all. Unfortunately yesterday my mum said "it's a shame your miscarriage has taken the shine off your friends' pregnancies for them" which made me feel like utter crap and triggered a lot of the sadness and anger that I'd maybe been keeping at bay a bit.

I just want to feel like I'm DOING something but beyond taking my vitamins, eating right, exercising right, tracking ovulation etc etc what more can I do? Does anyone have acupuncture / reflexology? I will definitely go to the hospital appt but I just have a horrible feeling they'll end up turning me away which will just be devastating. I know in their eyes I've only been trying for seven months but in my eyes I've been trying - and failing - for two and a half years with no help. I'm so scared it's just never going to happen again.

Thank you all so much.

Oh no, peach. Try to unhear what your mum said. Your friends are there for you through everything (I hope) and your loss is simply a part of that friendship. It doesn't affect their pregnancy in any way, and certainly no more than their pregnancy emphasises your grief. 💐

Peach I'm so sorry, I'm only at the start of this journey but it must be so tough. I think you'll have to explain it all to the hospital and maybe be a bit pushy with them (if you can). You've been trying for a long time and any normal person should see that and help. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you that it goes well tomorrow and you get some answers.

I completely understand the feeling to blame yourself, but try not to. It's not your fault, you are doing everything you can. I'm sure that your DH being down is affecting your mood too, I always feel a million times worse when my DH is worried about something. Also your mums comment was not at all helpful, I'm guessing she hasn't experienced this? I don't think you can understand it properly unless you have and you can then make some silly comments.

Has anybody here had any counselling? I think it might be something that will help me to be less terrified if (hopefully when) I'm pregnant again. I'm not sure scans will be remotely reassuring for me...

If so, was/is it helpful? And how did you go about finding it? My EPU said they could refer me... but not sure if there are other options. Any advice would be great!

@peachgreen - I have tried acupuncture and reflexology and much prefer the reflexology. I actually got pregnant my first cycle of acupuncture but it only lasted a week, I've seen been back and was disappointed when I didn't the following cycle so gave the reflexology a go and just find it so much more relaxing and I feel good once I've had it. I'm only going once a month but that seems to be enough for me and I've not been to acupuncture this cycle so we shall see what happens in 10 days time.

@smurf123 - I don't know how I managed 18. My husband had one and fainted so I felt like a hero all day. funnily enough at my reflexology appointment a week later she said my immune system was a little roopy?! And I wondered if it was rebuilding from the blood loss. I went last week and she said it was fully back to normal which is good.

@dancingunicorn I've not had counselling but when I spoke about it at the acupuncture and reflexology sessions it really did help me and luckily the hospital I've been at have been so supportive saying I can call them whenever I need to for a chat etc. Xx

Just got baby bombed in the office, by the one person I'd been speaking to about all the losses and the RMC stuff. She's got the same due date as my last mc would have had.

Why don't people realise doing it face to face - she was at my fucking desk - is just shit and she should have sent me a pissing message?

Oh Anne. :( I'm sorry. I hope she wasn't least considerate in the way she told you. 💐

*was at least.

Sorry @annelovesgilbert: maybe she thought face to face was more personal and that an email may come across as though she didn't want the face you. Either way it's shit and I totally understand

I seem to be the last one out of my friends who have struggled and i know they don't want to upset me but they never ask anymore. Seems like it's all ok in there world so it's forgotten but I try to think they probably just think I'll talk and tell them things as and when I want to - there isn't a way it probably wouldn't be shit though. Sending hugs

anne I'm going to join you as a (non runner) running- just signed up to a 5.6k run in July with work which should be erm interesting. I walked a mile briskly yesterday and was so tired !! Defoe good to have something to aim for atm as well!

Dancing
I have had and will be having counselling. I live in Scotland and there is a charity called lifeline in pregnancy or something. They deal with it all from crisis pregnancy to stillbirth to postnatal depression.
I found it good. The lady is very calm. She has asked a few pretty headmelting questions but in a good way!
I have an emergency appt with her next Friday.
I find it great.
I don't think scans are going to help me either. 4+1 today and I feel queasy but honestly don't know if that is nerves/ stress of not. Have downloaded mindfulness app as well. Have reflexology and acupuncture booked.
Anne I am so sorry. I have friends who are in this shit as well at the moment and we have agreed amongst ourselves that a wee text as a heads up before being told in a public forum is the best.

Oh anne that's so shit- how stupid that she thinks in a public way is appropriate. A message in the evening so you have time to compose yourself would have been all she needed to do

Sending

peach so sorry to hear you're having a rough time atm - handy holding. Can't believe your mum said that, people say weird things when they are hurting xx

Oh @anne that is rubbish - a heads up would have been so much better - sending you hugs!
@peach I think we have all been there thinking it is our fault and that we are in some way defective - dh is v v v good at telling me this is not the case - this is all just completely and utterly rubbish and I am so sorry we are all going through it :-(
I've had the difficult mum conversations too - my mum told me when she was here last week that the stress of all this is making her ill - had to kindly point out that whilst I understand she has been v worried about me this is NOT about her!!!!
@dancing I have been v lucky that we have a local pregnancy loss charity here called petals - they provide counselling around the loss and then counselling through subsequent pregnancies - the lady we see is simply lovely - and it has helped so so much I cannot even begin to say ! I would totally recommend it :-)
I am with you though and do not think a scan will be reassuring at all in future pregnancies as both times we have had scans where we have seen heart beats and then gone on to loose the babies - jacqui the counsellor is good at helping to break down the anxiety and understand what I'm feeling and how to cope with it !