#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided – all welcome!

[kwick]

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!
Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

pez so sorry

karen best of luck for TWOT!
miri are you twotting too? 🤞🏼

pickle not long now!!!! It will all work out honey! Get the meds delivered to your home - I could even get a saturday delivery.

caution millions of operations happen every day and the vast majority make it through the anaesthetic. Deep breaths.

I am having trouble sleeping - last night dreams about work were interlaced with me physically assaulting someone from the clinic... clearly both on my mind. I think I will so some work tomorrow- if only just to sleep better.

shoes how is littleshoes?

stork the money will mean nothing when you hold your baby in your arms.

Thanks for good wishes all but it's not us either this time AF arrived yesterday for DP.
Pretty sure this is the end of the IUI road for us; next stop, IVF.

Kwick - nice to see you on the thread. Its perfectly understandable that you're hibernating a bit at the moment.

When are you back at work?

I hope you've had some company and haven't been on your own for days on end? I know that it does me no good at all to be alone in the house for too long

I wouldn't worry about what you've missed on the thread too much or it'll seem overwhelming to try to pick up on what everyone has been up to. The thread has seemed very busy recently! Each of us can fill you in on where we are now perhaps.

No news here apart from that my amniotic fluid levels are fine now, so one less thing for me to worry about.

Look after yourself

Argh, major cross-posting x2!

Sorry Miri - how disappointing. Keep fighting though, whether using IUI or IVF. There are others on this thread who have had many many attempts before finally getting there in the end.

I'm at risk of sounding like a stuck record but my question to anyone doing IUI (or thinking of starting it) is, have you (or in your case Miri, your DP) had a hycosy/hsg to check that tubes are clear?

Oh Miri, this is breaking my heart to read your sad news. 💐 And selfishly it is making doubt our clinic's ability at IUI 😬

Shoes, I had the hycosy done in December and both tubes were super clear so likely to be just bad luck for me now, releasing poor eggs... or maybe my donor and I are incompatible!
(Also, I can't help thinking that my 3 gigantic eggs were from the previous month due to the progesterone mishap... I need to put this behind me now)

Kwick been thinking of you. Everyday tasks are hard after a loss. Work can be a useful distraction but give yourself enough time alongside it. Were you angry in the dream? That would make sense.

Pez I'm sorry, how disappointing there is so much chance involved.

And Miri sorry, seen you've also had a disappointment since I started writing this post.

Karen I think I would panic and have the same "it's never going to happen" worries as you. But at the moment there is still every reason to think it can work. Fingers crossed for you over the next week.

Tygr glad the open day went well and you're excited. I think wobbles are normal. I'm actually not so bothered by the partner thing, in fact I find it easier to imagine doing it by myself than with a partner and I have had a long term relationship and marriage. But I would ideally have liked the baby to have a dad. Sorry your doctor hasn't been more helpful. I just got all the tests done at my clinic because it was quicker and easier and relative to the overall cost not that expensive. Re overdosing on folic acid I imagine he just meant that you didn't need to worry about taking too much, because the body can't store it and will excite the excess - I can't imagine he thinks the your or anyone else will try and harm themselves by overdosing on folic acid!

Snork sorry you've been struggling. I wouldn't see going back to therapy as a failure, I think it's just a useful place to work through stuff.

Picke re sending the meds I worried about that but you could arrange evening and weekend deliveries too. They can't just leave it on the doorstep because some of it needs refrigerating.

Stork glad to hear you're getting geared up again. Fingers crossed you get some to freeze this time and then you'll get more goes. I think it was you who worked out the money and that statistically it's the same cost as IUI because it has a better chance of working? But having to wait to re-save is hard.

Caution have you had a general anaesthetic before? I was fine with mine. A friend had the nausea afterwards which wasn't nice, but it's rare for there to be major complications and they monitor you all the time, ready to intervene if necessary. I was more worried about the (orthopaedic) surgery itself but it worked and was worth it, hope it's the same for you.

Pineapple haters, you really don't have to eat the pineapple. There's no clinical evidence that it works and you could just take baby aspirin as the point is blood thinning. I think it's human nature to try and find things we can do so we can feel more in control of a situation but at least find one you don't hate!

Oh pez and miri, so sorry to read your latest updates. It's so easy for me to say (not having started any of the process yet!) but don't lose hope. Thinking of you both. I'm full of awe at how strong you all are, i know it's going to help keeping me going me I start treatments. Take very good care of yourselves (and your DP miri! Though I know you will be ) xxx

Thanks witch I feel a bit better about it all now, I had my telephone assessment yesterday morning and even doing that felt quite helpful and positive, the lady doing the assessment was really kind and understanding. I'm actually looking forward to having the space to talk through things now.

Re partners, I feel similar to witch, I was in a 7 year relationship that ended at the point we were seriously thinking of starting a family (3.5 years ago now), one of the big factors (for me, it was mostly a mutual split), was fear that he wasn't the right person to have children with. I wanted him to be cus I did love him, but our relationship had a lot of problems that we hadn't been able to resolve, and wasn't making either of us happy - I knew that it wasn't the environment in wanted to bring a child into, I could see how it would be and it terrified me. So in that sense, I feel much more positive about doing this on my own than doing it with the wrong person. There is still some sadness about it, me and my ex are still good friends and although we've talked about my plans and he's supportive, I know that there are lots of feelings of sadness etc on both our parts that we aren't fully sharing with each other. It's quite odd at times, I feel like we're unusual in having stayed friends at all, and then me having a baby on my own makes things even weirder! There's no 'etiquette' for that situation!

I'm 99% confident this is the right way forward for me. I do worry a bit that being a parent might make it harder to meet someone in the future, but to me the risk of not having children is harder to bear than the risk of staying single.

Re the donor stuff, shallow is such a pejorative term I don't think it helps. I think it's inevitable we all have our own hopes and fantasies about what a future child will be like and how we can influence that by donor choice. It's not something the majority of people have to think about, it just comes to the fore because we have to pick a donor. Very few people in a (happy) relationship will give any thought to whether their partner has the right characteristics!

I didn't think of it like picking a partner because most of what would be important in a partner is important because you'd have to live with them in an adult relationship, not because of what it would pass on to your children. And even those things are impossible to really get from the details on a profile - if it was that easy to match then none of us would be single!

I think the important thing to remember is that you can't really fix anything, however carefully you pick, especially with regard to things like intelligence. It's quite possible for two bright parents to have a child who isn't clever in the same way, it happens all the time and often results in unhappy children struggling under the weight of their parents' (poorly hidden) expectations. Also, a huge amount of what we think of as intelligence is down to environment and upbringing.

I found picking a donor interesting in terms of what it revealed about me and what I want for the child but every time I've spotted myself wanting something I've tried really hard to think about the child as a separate person with their own wants and needs who I will need to value for themselves, not in terms of how they measure up to my fantasy. In that sense I was happy to pick a donor who didn't sound much like me because it was a useful reminder that any future children may be nothing like me, whatever donor I choose. I'm trying really hard to approach it with an open mind and just wait to find out what the baby is like rather than saddling it with my hopes.

Shoes I'm going to say this the same spirit of some of your honest, blunt, but kind posts, and I hope you can read it that way, but the thought of a child having to "keep up" with family and friends sounds like a pretty miserable starting point. Even if they turn out to be a genius, the way they use their strengths and interests shouldn't have to line up with something pre-defined. I think you probably mean that it would just be easier for them if they could keep up (?), but it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe you would also be able to happily accept a child who can't "keep up", but if that is your starting expectation then there will inevitably be a period of time where it gradually becomes clear to you and your child (they pick up on this) that they are somehow different.

Ha Witch - you're quite right. I agree with everything you have said. To be honest I wouldn't know what to do with a 'genius' so it's not that I have high expectations but the likelihood is that had I met a partner he would have been roughly in the same ball park in terms of intelligence (I'm not even really talking about academic achievement but a base level of intelligence ambition/aspiration/enthusiasm etc.). Therefore I don't feel it's wrong to try to mimic that in my choice of donor. I won't be disappointed in my child whatever their abilities in anything!

It's just that to me, my donor's profession appealed and was more important to me than any physical characteristic. My child's hair colour won't have any bearing on their happiness, but if they are surrounded by children who for the most part are the offspring of graduates then rightly or wrongly I do think this could have a bearing on their happiness. I suppose I'm just trying to give my child any chance I can to fit in with their peers, so that they will be happy. My child's happiness is by far the most important thing of all to me

witch you're SO right about parental expectations. My dad boasts about how he asked me from age 2 which university I would go to, "not whether you'd go, so you knew from then that it wasn't optional!". I've definitely struggled with that pressure, and still do now. My mum keeps saying things like 'can you choose the donor's intelligence, you don't want a dustman!' and I wince.... I want a happy, healthy child! They'll be an individual with their own strengths and characteristics, one of the reasons I'd rather know less about the Donor is I don't want to end up imposing or projecting things on to the child, though I suppose that's impossible to avoid completely.

Also just to add that profession/qualifications don't necessarily indicate intelligence. My ex has no degree and a minimum wage job and he's super bright. My uncle was a dustman, and now a (retired) solicitor!

I'm not expressing myself well... I used my donor being a 'graduate' because this is the only information about this side of things available to me from my clinic.

Neither of my parents are graduates and I have good friends who are not graduates but all the people I spend a lot of time with do have in common that they are generally hard-working people with enthusiasm for things. People who have traveled a lot, or developed a career in something or other (education or no education), or invested time and energy in a hobby.

Someone having the inclination and wherewithal to make a go of something. Its an indication of more things than just intelligence so I have been too simplistic in the language that I have used to describe what I was getting at.

shoes I understand totally, hope I didn't sound judging! It's such a personal thing, different things will be important for all of us for all sorts of different reasons. My post was more in response to my parents than to you! I honestly don't know yet how much info I want to know or what I'll based my choices on, I totally respect your choices :)

God I really need to think before I post as I keep thinking of something to add and double posting! Sorry! Just meant to say that I can see how an idea of someone's profession etc can be a shorthand for those things when you don't have very much info to go on. Your posts have definitely got me thinking more about things, thanks for sharing x

Thanks Snork

Oh Pez and Miri... thinking of you both (and your DP, miri).
I believe that timing is everything. Not clinical timing, as in "everything happens for a reason" timing. For some unknown reason, this cycle wasn't meant to be, and although it doesn't make matters any easier, because you just want it to work, there has to be a good reason behind it not working. If that all makes sense? I hope I'm not digging myself a hole here (!) but that's how I look at things and find myself getting through a bit easier. With anything. Fingers crossed for your next cycles

Kwick you're right. It'd be highly unlikely for anything to happen to me, and I need to switch my thinking around! Thank you.
I can totally understand why you're not sleeping. you've got a lot on your mind! Try all the relaxation techniques before bed - hot chocolate, reading (maybe?), etc etc... Not sleeping well is awful, so I really feel for you.

Witch; I have had a general anaesthetic before, yeah... About seven times!! Most of them was when I was a child though, and now I'm a lot older I know the bad side effects. Last general anaesthetic I had was two years ago because I had to have my appendix out; I was a blubbering mess in the preparation room because I was so scared I would not wake up but I did, so that's all I need to remember! Thanks lovely.

Hope you're all having a lovely Sunday afternoon. X

Shoes glad you weren't horribly offended I think it's extra important for those of us doing it by ourselves to be open minded, because there isn't a second parent to dilute or counter our expectations.

Caution I think being able to think about timing like that must be quite comforting. (Can you apply it to thinking about the GA?!) I can't do it myself, I think it's the kind of thing you can't make yourself believe, you either do or your don't. But I think it's great that other people can.

I'm a bit the same about PMA I'm afraid, it helps in lots of situations if you can conjure it up but if you can't then it just becomes another thing to fail at. In terms of fertility treatment if you've got beyond PMA then I think all you can do is get yourself to the appointments and take the meds, and that is enough.

I know that will sound really negative to lots of people but the great thing about threads like this is that there will also be someone with a totally different opinion!

Caution - just to echo others, the chances of serious complications arising from the anaesthetic are absolutely minuscule (I just looked up the stats to double-check before I posted, and it truly is very rare indeed for anything to go really wrong). I feel a bit weird after a GA but that wears off pretty quickly.

You're bound to have some nerves ahead of the procedure but try not to worry too much.

You must be relieved that the laparoscopy is soon now. Not too long and it will be done and you can get on with your baby plan

witch I've not always been able to have that mindset, but you have to believe in something, else I think you'll become really bitter. And I believe in everything happens for a reason and timing.
Being a sufferer of Bipolar and having many things in my life go wrong, ive had to believe in something and landed on that on PMA. It seems to calm me, and help me get through most things, but I'm yet to test it out with fertility treatment, so I guess it's easy for me to say!

Shoes, again, thank you for calming me!
I guess it's "natural" to have some fears, but they really wouldn't be doing it if they didn't feel it necessary/didn't deem me healthy enough. I've lost the weight they wanted me to lose (and I'm still going), and it is apparently only about a 60 minute surgery, so it's not long at all.
I do feel relieved! It's 4 weeks on Wednesday - although I do have a pelvic ultrasound on the 14th March too, that my GP organised. I keep getting bad pains on my right hand so went to see him because it's just getting worse and for better painkillers, but he organised the US because I had a 4.6cm cyst on my right ovary on my last US... That id completely forgot about, in the haze of all this Endo stuff and because it was a year ago and nothing's been done since. So he's just checking on that, plus he said it'll assist my consultant when it comes to doing the surgery if I have a recent US report. So lots going on, I have my pre-op assessment on the 8th March, two weeks beforehand, so I'll be able to ask any questions I have then.
I can't wait to get on with my baby plan! It's been a long time coming. After I've had my laparoscopy I'll have to get in touch with my clinic and see when they think is a suitable time to get on with it... I'm just so excited.

shoes I am so pleased to hear that you and littleshoes are doing well. I spent a lot of time at my mum's last week and it was also half term, so a lot of time with my nephew. Thank God - I am not doing so good when I am alone. I am off until 1 March. I have a scan at the EPU tomorrow - the bleeding seems to have stopped so hopefully they will be able to tell that it is all over.

Really sorry miri

shoes I had a hycosy after try 7 before doing 2 IUIs.

witch I was very angry in the dream. I am very scared about doing work... it causes me such stress... a massive sign I need to do something different I think... but not sure what other than win the lottery.

Tell a lie - I am bleeding again.

Ladies all my children are going into a trade - given BREXIT this will be an industry that has plenty of employment opportunities

Okay so here are my thoughts on the great IVF vs IUI debate:
IVF is more physically intense and therefore emotionally charged - you put your body through a lot and whilst the success rates are generally higher it may not be the case. It costs a shed load of money.
IUI is more like the "real thing" ie it is like a shot in the dark, but much less hard on body and purse.
Conclusion: pray for an immaculate conception and pursue niether
Further conclusion: think of IUI as DTD - those that are just having chukka-chukka are told to try for at least 12 months before getting anything checked out. Therefore you have to be prepared to do loads of IUIs - but have a hycosy first.

Thanks all
DP had a hycosy before cycle 1, so we know her tubes are clear. There is no reason why she isn't conceiving (under 35, perfect hormone levels, large ovarian reserve, clear tubes, regular cycles...), it just hasn't been our time yet.
kwick it sounds like you're coping amazingly well. Glad you're off work for a while. I too will be pushing future DC towards plumbing

Miri, can I ask you something please? (Sorry I haven't found the way to send private messages). You said that you get a free follow up appointment after each cycle. Did you buy the 3 IUI package? I'm only paying for one at a time and I'm wondering if this could be the reason why they wouldn't let me have a follow up consultation last month but as you said, I don't think the receptionists have a clue... I looked at the price list again and there is no mention of follow up in either the single or 3 cycle package description.
It just seems a bit ludicrous I have to pay £150 to discuss the next treatment plan (not that I'm thinking of changing now but might do after a 3rd or 4th failed attempt if it comes to that)
Also, so you know if they still want us to do a blood test even when AF has come? If so, I'll head there tomorrow morning (and might bump into you )

Kwick, good to see you haven't lost your sense of humour . And you're right, it's always good to be reminded that it can take a few tries even for couples trying naturally!

I'm so sorry to here your news Kwick. Also sending warm wishes to Hoping, Pez and Miri.
I too am a big believer in fate and I find it really helps keep the PMA but haven't been in any of your positions.

My time is finally here and will be having my first IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday, just waiting for ovulation. Dr said she would give me a trigger injection on Tuesday if I don't ovulate before as it'll be day 15 and my cycle fluctuates between 24-28 days. I'm so excited but then trying to lower expectations too. If it doesn't work, I'll need to take a 1-2 month break to save up for another try as already in overdraft for this try. I'll test my urine in the morning and fingers crossed will see a smiley face!

Kwick your job sounds awful. Or at least like it might once have suited you but doesn't now? I've really backed off my career the last few years, not because of the TTC stuff but because it was making me miserable. I still don't enjoy what I do and get irrationally stressed about it, but by avoiding extra responsibility I haven't made it worse. Though part of me suspects that I'm being stupid and actually I'd be no more stressed at the next level and I'd be paid more. But I've had my foot off the gas long enough now to mean I'm not really a credible candidate for promotion, so that's academic. I do earn more than I ever imagined I would, so it's not a bad place to stay, save, and hopefully take maternity leave.

I have a medium term plan for a complete career change but that means saving a lot so I can fund the retraining and hopefully have a child. At the moment I know I'm way off my savings target but I'm currently too scared to work out how far off. We get our bonus in March so I'll work it out then.

You're a pretty senior HR manager, looking after a load of stuff in Western Europe, right? What will happen if you just ignore work for the period you're signed off? Where's the stress coming from - the nature of the work, or the volume, or the travel?

I have started doing the lottery - I needed the tiny sliver of hope!