#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided – all welcome!

[kwick]

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!
Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

Awe she is such a cutie!!!!

Nurses rang me this morning 🤗so 17th march have nurses appt- blood tests/urine tests etc. Go through costing & dates and medication etc but they are also going to start me on pill so stop period and then stop so period comes 4days after and dates are more reliable so 2nd may have 1st scan, 10th scan, 12th scan then 15th should have iui all being well! She said not to worry about light periods that is most likely cos of the pill and they will be checking lining with scans anyway xx exciting xx
Need to change annual leave again 🙄oopsy

That's exciting that you've got a plan in place Pickle

Really don't worry about your periods. TMI coming up... Mine had dwindled to only one day of bleeding heavily enough to use a tampon then a couple days of very light bleeding (needing only a panty liner). It doesn't seem to have caused problems for me.

The thing that is important is that you have at least ten days (I think the average is 14 days) between ovulating and the first day of your period. Its called the luteal phase and is the time an embryo would be given to implant, so the longer the better really!

I'm assuming that Kwick is hibernating, which is what I would be doing. But if you're reading the thread please know that you cross my mind every day and I'm trying to send supportive vibes in your direction

Karen - crossing my fingers for you. You sound like you're in a good place I am not generally a dog person but your puppy is absolutely gorgeous! That photo lying on the bed

Caution - re Australia, I've been thinking about this quite a bit and I really think you have two options.

a) you put off your first IUI (and all the preceding tests) until after the trip to ensure you're not pregnant when you go

b) you don't go

Once you do start the fertility treatment process you will need to give it your all and be whole-heartedly invested in it (not dealing with an underlying concern about what each outcome means for the Australia trip).

You would be foolish (sorry) to make any decision based on a calculation of what stage of pregnancy you might be at by the time of the trip. Enough of us here have proven that things rarely go to plan and that it generally takes a number of attempts to get a BFP and that even then holding onto those BFPs isn't a given.

I would have been physically fine doing a long-haul flight at 23 weeks. Now at 28 weeks, I was really uncomfortable just having to sit at my desk all day in the office on Monday.

Also, at the point a baby would be viable if you delivered early (23 weeks+) I wouldn't want to risk being in Australia. Imagine dealing with a premature baby in NICU in Australia (and the hefty travel insurance you would need to take out to cover this potential eventuality) and the many months you would have to wait there until your baby was fit to fly. 1 in 9 UK babies are born prematurely and require specialist hospital care, so although its unlikely, it could happen.

Sorry to be so negative but you need to work out what you want. If you would absolutely love the Australia trip and can come to terms with leaving getting pregnant until afterwards, then do the Australia trip and enjoy it! Just don't do it to please other people - a course of action which rarely works out best for everyone in the long run.If you are desperate to get started before the Australia trip then I think you have to do what is right for you. This is too big a life decision to be worrying about letting others down.

Feel so weird - probably emotional overwhelm so have shut down. Was tearful this morning (just because this isn't the way I wanted to become a mother - not there's anything wrong with it - and ideally I don't want to be 40 and single and contemplating this alone).

Now I just feel numb.

Just under 2 hours until I go to the clinic. Hope it's ok to post. I know I need PMA but could easily burst into tears right now!

Oh tygr I go through that too. Especially when I'm about to start a cycle. It's a hard thing we are doing. Hugs.

tygr - what I'm about to say probably won't go down very well but I really mean this in the kindest possible way.

I would recommend that you work through your feelings about being single before you start having fertility treatment and make sure you have accepted the situation. This process is a complete headfcuk as it is. If I hadn't been in a very positive place to start with I think it would have been very damaging and I wouldn't have coped.

My clinic talked with me at length during the 'counselling' session to establish that I was in the right place to go ahead with treatment. They questioned me on my relationship status to check that I was comfortable with being single.

Before I had my first consultation I had spent a year working through the idea of going it alone, considering how I felt about my single status, discussing with friends, family and my GP before coming to the decision. After that I then spent another six months at least doing lots of research into the best way to go about it (clinics etc.) It meant I had 18 months to come to terms with the fact that I was accepting being single and by the time I started I had very few doubts about what I was doing and was completely over the 'woe is me; forever single' thing.

I'm sorry to not be wholly positive, but I am concerned for you that this journey could take its toll too much on you just at the minute.

Despite me being generally very positive about doing this alone, there are umpteen times when my singleness has taunted me, from tiny things like I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get my socks on in a few weeks' time when my bump is bigger, to bigger things like waiting alone in the EPU to be told that my first pregnancy had failed when everyone else was with their OH in the waiting room. Recently I went to my first antenatal class: 14 other women there, every one of them there with their husband. When I went pushchair shopping, I was the only single woman in the shop. The list goes on and on. If you're feeling fragile about your relationship status these constant reminders could be too much to bear.

Tygr, sorry to hear you're emotional. I think none of us truly chose to have a family this way - the grieving process of the dream we had of meeting the perfect partner is difficult and it's normal to have doubts sometimes.

However, when I have these moments (more and more rarely though), I look at the alternative which is being miserable hoping I'll meet someone quick enough to start a family. And there's no way I'll meet someone while my mind is constantly on this. I know I don't want to wait because the stakes are so high and there's also the fact that it wouldn't be a healthy way to start a relationship. I have faith this will happen in the future and I'll be so much more relaxed and can devote more to the relationship.

If I feel sad about it, I have the comfort of knowing there are so many other strong and independent women who are going down the same route and that makes me even stronger. It is a proper emotional roller coaster but there is no other option for me as I don't want to risk never being a mother and so I've come to terms with the outcome.

I've been single pretty much my whole life, have lived alone since I was 24, and have been considering becoming a parent alone for at least 5 years. It was a factor in my last relationship break up - the other party didn't want children and I knew then that I very definitely did.

I've just turned 40 and so this really feels like last chance saloon. I don't think I have the luxury of time so either I do something this year or accept that I won't be a parent. I might not become a parent anyway and if I do, the thought is frightening. I want to be a parent more than I want a relationship but being a single parent is hard - I'm just being realistic about that.

Oh tygr I get it, I've never really been on for relationships and have lived alone since I was 23. So was pretty resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be doing it the traditional way. I think we'd all ideally do this with a partner but like you i just want to be a mummy
I think it is normal to have freak outs about it, but you wouldn't have driven all the way to this open evening if you weren't ready. It's a very anxious time and normal to worry so don't let it dampen your excitement of you open evening.
I really hope you enjoy it and it puts some of your worries to rest.

shoes I worry about not being able to get out the bath 😂
But seriously it will be tough but we'll all be here for support and maybe have little group meet up one day with all our little babies

I think about getting out of the shower (over bath) situation quite often too Pickle! And imagine cutting toe nails!!!

Yeh my shower is over the bath too pez I'm a podiatrist so can get work friend to do my feet 😁

I hadn't even thought about cutting my toenails. I might do that right now while I still can!

I've already decided not to have any baths because who knows when the tipping point will be and I won't be able to get out!

Pickle - if you lived anywhere near me I'd be begging you for help with my feet! I used to go to a podiatrist (total of 12 recurrent corns at my best!) but I just don't have the money anymore as I've spent it all on the baby plan!

tygr - I do understand about the ticking clock thing. I've also been mostly single all of my life (longest relationship three months; never lived with a partner; don't seem to attract decent men). It wasn't how I thought my life would be either! I'm not ruling out possibly meeting someone later down the line but my track record doesn't make it look likely...

Open Evening was good. Most of the presentation was geared towards IVF though. I've spoken to the embryologist and she said that they're planning to hold specific open evenings for IUI in the future.

Was lovely to see the framed photographs and thank you cards people have sent in after successful treatment, and videos and photos of the first 6 days of life up to blastocyst and hatching stage. I feel much more informed now :)

They have their own sperm donor bank here as well as using Xytex and ESB so I'll research the various options.

I have social anxiety and so I think my wobble earlier was about that as much as anything else - suddenly feeling like I'd be a child amongst all these serious adults but actually I needn't have worried about that at all.

For whoever said about counselling, I'm actually on a waiting list for psychotherapy (as well as having plenty previously) so timing wise, I should be having regular therapy once this all starts so should work out well in terms of support.

Having another wobble about having all this on the internet and might name change as a result but it's all anonymous - ish right?!

Haha yeh do ur nails quick 😂 Your not a million miles away shoes we can trade in our skills, I can do peeps feet and in return peeps can do stuff for me....we aren't going to be able afford anything soon (although let's face it we are pretty used to that now,can't remember last time went shopping other than for food!)

Oh sorry tygr didn't see you post as posted at same time. Glad you enjoy the open evening. Ru travelling back tomorrow?

Sweet you don't need to change your name, no one knows who you actually are unless you tell them. The people that run the site will no but no one else will. Unless people are also trying to look to be a single parent they prob won't even stumble across this post. Try not to worry lovely, the anxiety will settle down, all of this is stressful and def peaks and troughs throughout so keep on talking, none of us judge any of each other and that's the fab thing about it that we can all say what we can't necessarily say in real life. Chin up sweetie x

Travelling back now. 90 minute drive ahead. Just about to leave Tesco right now. Taking the opportunity of being near civilisation and extra mega super stores to buy a bday present for my nephew, some cleaning stuff that my local doesn't stock and my dinner - which is what I pooped in for.

Am totally wiped out but excited. Have told my sister where I've been, which I've been reluctant to do until now. Suddenly seems real and possible :)

And that would be *popped

Lol yeh I hope you fight poop in Tesco 😂

Hi gang!

So sorry so having lost touch with the thread, been wrestling with my mental health a bit over the last few weeks, and generally feeling quite bit crap. Hoping to catch up with the thread properly though as I've been thinking of you all!

tygr sorry to see you've been having emotional wobbles too! But really glad you're feeling excited now. It is a rollercoaster, my anxiety has gone off the scale over the past month. Wish I had something more helpful to say, but you're not alone! I had EXACTLY the same fear about being a child among adults at the clinic open evening! I suffer from such bad 'imposter syndrome'! But it was fine for me too.

I've referred myself back for more therapy which I feel kind of bummed about, like maybe I'm not fit to have a baby after all. Even though that's totally NOT how I'd feel towards anyone else! Deep down I know it doesn't mean that, just that I'm getting the extra support I need to help me through this up and down process, and that it's a responsible thing to do. But it's hard not to feel a bit of a failure. I've been telling everyone how much more stable my mental health is these days and I hate having to admit I'm struggling again. But this stuff never goes away!! It's just managing it. Some times it needs more heavy duty 'management' than others.

Sorry to dive in and offload without catching up with the thread properly! I promise I will! Want to see how you're all doing :) x

snork waves🤗

Girlies I'm exactly the same, been through some really horrific bouts of depression and anxiety on/off since I was about 11....don't let those negatives thoughts and feelings back in, it's the doubt and same negative feelings trying to ruin yet another happy thing.
Over the last month my anxiety had really been notching up and I was thinking hmmm (I'm getting close to needing to book an appointment with the implications counsellor again as they said they could offer appointments throughout this) but since getting appointments booked in, my annual leave sorted, speaking to the nurse yesterday I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I know there are still big hills to climb but we have to take each step as it comes and jump over it.
Ask for help & support, that isn't a sign of weakness it's a sign of saying right anxiety you are NOT going to break me again, I am facing you head on! I will be a good mummy 😊
(Pep talk over- we can do it though 💕)xx

Thank you pickle! That was really helpful to read, especially this morning when I'm dragging myself off to work feeling fragile! Will reply properly later x

I've read the full book before but I bought this quick read version yesterday. Currently reading the section on no-lose decision making.

There's no shame in asking for help and support if we need it. In fact, I think that shows great maturity and self-awareness. I'm concerned about my mental health through this process but forewarned is forearmed.

Pickle, sounds like you've got a good plan in place ready for your first try; do you feel more relaxed? Maybe relaxed is the wrong word, but I'm struggling to find the right one!
You're having a scan on my birthday fingers crossed it'll be a good luck omen and bring you good news!

Shoes - I can always count on you to make everything that seems grey, black and white!
I had outlined the pros and cons myself (you also did this for me; your way was laid out much better), and spoken to Mum, and still hadn't reached a decision.
Then I read your comment, and I knew what I needed to do.
I'm going to put off going to Australia. Australia will be there in a three/four/five years time. Hell, it'll even be there in ten years time. But this opportunity may not be there forever, so I need to grab it by the horns and take it whilst I can.
I know it's not hereditary, but Mum and Nan went through their menopause in their early 30's. I know I've a few years before I'm at that stage, but what if it does happen to me, too? And I've lost the chance to have a baby? It just makes sense for me to do it, and do it now, so Australia can wait.
Thank you for putting everything down for me in such a way that it got through to me. I think I needed your message/comment to make me sort my priorities out!

tygr, I'm so glad you enjoyed your open evening and that you're getting excited... It makes things feel more real, doesn't it?!

Snork, sorry to hear you've been struggling lovely. Don't beat yourself up for needed more management than you have done in recent times. Just because you stumble doesn't mean you fall! And it doesn't mean you're a failure, either! Keep going.

Damn I'm feeling proper rubbish today... for the past few days I've been feeling a bit queasy in the morning, with a stuffy nose and dry throat which clear up after a few hours, but today it has gotten worse. I really hope this is a good sign and not just telling me I'm getting a cold as that would seem so unfair!
I also wake up every single night at 3am and sleep very little after that so my immune system is probably weakened by that.

The joys of the TWW honestly!!!

I'm 9dpiui today so not too long to wait anyway...

Caution, really glad you made a decision - now stick to it and don't look back

Ah sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish Pez like you said, hopefully it's a positive sign!!
I wonder what the waking up at 3am part is about though... That must be so annoying!!
9dpiui?! That's gone so quick (for me, anyway!). Are you still not going to test and going to wait for your blood test results?

Thank you! It feels like a massive weight off my shoulders now, and I know in my heart I've made the right choice. My Grandparents would go with or without me, so it's not a massive problem - although I can see my Nan turning it into one when I tell her. we'll see!

I think I'll only test if AF isn't there by Wednesday morning, at which point I would be 15dpiui. I honestly am terrified of the phone call saying 'unfortunately...' so I'd rather be prepared even if a BFN on a HPT will be hard to swallow too.

I feel like I'm hungover and as if I haven't slept for days but don't have a runny nose or any other sign of a cold. Fingers crossed this is not my body playing nasty tricks on me!