10+ months TTC

[Kookie88]

I've just reached cycle 10 and I'm despairing. I've tried to stay focused and positive all this time but it's all gotten a bit much. Each month I've tried something new but nothing seems to be working. (This month is acupuncture month, last month was fertilitea month)!

I guess I just needed to vent I don't want to sound like a total debbie downer but today's been tough!

Sorry about AF, Chlo. I'm right behind you, I know it will be here any minute. Interestingly though I haven't started spotting yet, which I have done for the last 4 cycles (ever since my HSG) so I'm hoping that's a good thing (think my cervix must have got a bit bashed or something). I started taking some preconception vitamins this month (was just taking folic acid and vit D before) so that might have made my cycle go a bit weird I spose.

Glad your appt is soon, it'll be here before you know it and hopefully you'll get some encouraging results. It's all progress. Sounds like him indoors has a very sensible head indeed. Glad you're feeling ok too. I'm also feeling surprisingly alright. I think I might actually be properly coming to terms with going down the IVF route. A friend has recently become pregnant via IVF and she found the process really not too bad, which has helped me feel much better about it.

Hope people have some nice plans for bank hol weekend. I'm hoping to get out on my bike and also enjoy at least one big glass of wine. The best thing about AF arriving is that I usually feel much more energetic after the first day or so and I don't feel worried about having a drink or three!

I'm on CD3. Got impatient about waiting for our geneticist's appointment in January so have joined a Balanced Translocation support group on FB. I feel a bit of a fraud because everyone there knows what translocation they have and we won't for months so I am lurking for now. SIL is coming to visit at the weekend so we can grill her on the family history, then I think I'll introduce myself. If they want me to leave until I have a more concrete idea then I will.

I also got myself a little bit obsessed last night with a kind of TTC simulation I set up. I used a random number generator to show me numbers up to 100. If the number is over 75 then the "imaginary couple" conceive, and then they have to roll over 20 not to miscarry. But I pretended that all of the odd numbers in the first roll represented unbalanced translocations (nonviable for us).

It was reassuring in that I could keep going for every couple and they all conceived eventually, even though it took longer for the translocation couples. Some of the simulations I ran even for healthy couples with average chances went on for months and months too just by chance, so there is hope even if things are taking a while. But appreciate it may just be me who is geeky enough to be reassured by things like this.

Bertie I've done exactly the same kind of modelling myself - I'm a scientist so it's just the way I think about stuff. Glad it made you feel better. It is so often a numbers game really but it's hard for us as humans to remember that sometimes I think.

I know little about translocations, other than balanced ones are quite common, but I'm sure there's nothing wrong with joining a support group for something you have! I hope you get some useful info there.

Thanks rational, glad you're feeling better too. I think sometimes it's the build up and anxiety of the whole 'what if' scenario that can be a bit unbearable and then once AF arrives, its onwards and upwards to the next cycle and for us, the appointment and whatever that brings with it. We always have some kind of POA afterwards which I'm much more comfortable with than just 'hanging' around waiting to see what happens which feels like limbo.

Good that the spotting has stopped. Just thought I'd share that the conception vits the nutritionist recommended for us are the Zita West one. She was actually head of nutrition there for many years so think she knows her stuff. I got them through a website called Revital.

The modelling/numbers stuff is really interesting. As you say, it can take time for 'normal' couples and I know of several people that have had no problems, it's just taken a few years which helps in a way when you feel like it's taking time because there's something 'wrong' with you so you feel like a failure in some way. It is hard to remember that nearly everyone gets there eventually when you're actually living it but it's true.

I don't know much about translocations either but the support group sounds good. A friend of ours had 3 mcs and then the partners family told them that there was a genetic issue in the family so she was pretty upset and angry that they hadn't mentioned it and she had a very tough time but they have a 5 month old baby now so they got there eventually. It's just the not knowing when/how isn't it that's difficult. If someone could say it will happen in 6 months, I'm sure we'd all just live our lives and get on with it until then but not knowing what's ahead is tough.

Were off to Spain tomorrow so am really looking forward to the bank holiday and am sure we'll have a few glasses of vino whilst away but am also glad that DH has his frag test the day after we get back as will encourage him to stay on track. It's actually really attractive that he's getting really fit and being really committed to this, it's done wonders for our relationship as I felt resentful towards him before but now feel very much like we're in it together and he's doing everything he can too.

bertie and trying I love that you've been doing numerical modelling on the odds of conceiving!

Sorry AF got you chlo like you say hopefully your chances will be increasing month by month now. Hope you have a lovely time in Spain.

I have been really struggling this week. Think it's a combination of lots of things: the HSG being cancelled, having to sit in a meeting with a colleague complaining about her pregnancy, other people's scan pics, and I started brown spotting on CD17 which still hasn't stopped now I'm on CD26. I have no idea why, in 17 cycles this has never happened, so went to the GP for more poking and prodding this week. So also worrying about yet another thing that appears to indicate a problem. And I have a big birthday round the corner which is just reminding me that I'm not where I thought I would be. Yesterday I got to work and just sat in my car for 5 mins, I actually felt like I couldn't get out and face the day, it was a real struggle to walk into the office. I've never really had that before.

Also does anyone else get really fed up of Facebook showing you baby / pregnancy announcements of people you don't even know - so when one of my friends likes or comments on a post it shows on my feed even if I don't know the person. Thanks social media for telling me about complete strangers who are also more fertile than me! Makes me irrationally angry haha

Thanks for your thoughts guys, we had a really wonderful day! I did get af though the next day right on schedule! I haven't even shown DH the lovely undies I got because we were too tired the night of.

Awww, well I spose at least AF waited til the next day! Hope you get to use your undies soon!

Yes! We were too tired for sex on our wedding night too Luckily DH is super organised so he pre-empted this happening and we had a quickie when we were getting changed in the hotel ready to go out on the town (we were too skint to do a proper evening do).

Support group are nice but it's bringing it home to me a bit and what I thought would give me hope is actually looking a bit bleak - but lots and lots to take in and understand which will take time. I am finding many of the members' matter of fact approach towards miscarriage to be refreshing and reassuring (there is a lot of sympathy there too for anyone finding it hard, which is also nice.)

I realised this week that I'm underweight and have been seriously undereating. It's a common problem for me and one I've had on and off since I left home and became responsible for feeding myself I hadn't actually weighed myself for months but when I looked back through my fitness app, I was a healthy weight back when I got pregnant twice last year. So I'm trying to increase my calorie intake and hopefully I'll go from underweight to healthy again. I'm teetering on the edge of dangerously underweight which is a bit alarming! And I know that in all likelihood, if I'm ovulating and menstruating, I should be able to get pregnant but it feels like something I can maybe control which might make a difference for now. So I'm trying to eat better but I'm struggling even to cope with 2000 calories (I'm trying to get 2300). I did 1700 the last couple of days which is better than I have been doing. DH thinks it's great and keeps trying to force food on me. Hmm.

Hope all are well, we had visitors so I've been super busy and just two days to get through now before the bliss of holidays. Bring it on!!!

Bertie - wow, enjoy those extra calories! Add in more good oils to your cooking and maybe try adding smoothies to get more calories easily? It's a problem I've never had, mine quite the opposite but food is a challenge for us all in its own way I guess! Do you have a very active lifestyle? Xxx

I was just thinking today, this time last year I was so upset I wasn't getting pregnant and I was very stressed at work. It was a really difficult time and I first joined this board a few weeks after. It's been such a help not to feel so alone in this. And in general I know lots more and have more patience now.

Sunshine sorry to hear you've been struggling. I have found things tough at times lately too. It wears you down, doesn't it? I hope you're feeling better now.

I'm so with you on the blimmin Facebook notifications etc. It does add to the "everyone else is popping out babies so easily" feeling. Grrrr! What with that and my mother sending me photos of a family friend's newborn twins about twice a day I could scream at times!

Bertie I hope you find your way back to a healthy weight soon. Like many people, I have more of the opposite problem, but I have several close friends who struggle to keep their weight up and I know it can be every bit as hard. One friend has recently got back to a healthy weight, and she said focussing on having a strong body (rather than thinking in terms of being thinner or fatter) helped her to do it. Also she said that she found as she increased her intake a bit she started to feel more hungry, so hopefully it will get easier for you. Good luck with it. I'm at the upper end of healthy weight so am trying to lose a few pounds and get myself more in the middle (mostly so I fit in my clothes better) and to get back to swimming as I've let myself slip after an injury last year.

Cola I'm glad you feel in a better place now than last year. I definitely do in most ways too. It's been a tough year but I feel like we are moving forward in general. And the idea of IVF has definitely gone from "absolutely terrifying and impossible" to "most of it sounds doable but the idea of egg collection makes me shudder", which is certainly progress!

Hopefully this time next year we will all be worrying about labour or breastfeeding or something! X

Hey ladies, been on hols and all a bit quiet I see so hope everyone is ok & things aren't too difficult. Had AF arrive Saturday, study has started and did my first coursework today and just can't believe it's already September. Got a really busy few weeks ahead so I think the rest of the year is going to zoom past!

Btw damn Kate Middleton baby bombing us all today xxx

Hey cola how are you? I was going to message tonight too as back from hols. Did you have a nice time away?
We had a nice time but I felt so miserable about coming back. Wasn't as bad as I had worked it up to be but just didn't want to come home to the same old same old. Dh had another sperm test today to see how much it's improved from the op and losing weight etc and then we have follow up in 2 weeks which is just before he goes away with work for 2 weeks so hope it goes ok. Think we've pretty much decided to start treatment by November as both totally had enough and want to try to make it happen if things haven't happened naturally by then and before end of year. Holiday was great but most of the time I'm struggling and just want to try to focus energy on being healthy as possible for starting the treatment. Hope everyone else is well.

Aw chlo, Holidays ending is bad enough but not being pregnant just wondering when / if it's gonna happen is shite! At least you know now it's only two more cycles of trying before something different and hopefully bypassing lots of the potential challenges for that sperm meeting egg. It's been a shitty road but hope to goodness you're at the end of the long wait soon. Good positive steps in getting healthy before treatment!

I'm with you and excited that this rest of year is gonna fly by and we start in spring. The holidays really help me live in the now but I just know there are some imminent baby bombs going to drop that will upset me soon. One of my closest friends babies just turned one and my SILs son turns 2 soon. I know it's terrible but I feel like I will be so gutted when they fall pregnant, am sure both are trying. My brothers gf is due with his first end of his month. I know you can only concentrate on your own game but it just hurts when you want it & it's happening. I know my circumstances are different and I am so so lucky to have my daughter - I always saw myself a mum to a big family (4 or 5!) and always wanted that, even expected it. The idea we might be "one and done" is foreign to me and I feel sad all the time for not giving her siblings. I hope in years to come I'll look back on this as a fuzzy sad memory of a hard time before the rest of my family came along. I am so grateful for her and she fills our hearts right up, no buts. it's hard for me to think though this could be it. Ugh it's so cyclical
Isn't it. Same thoughts round and round!

Hols have Been amazing. Sunshine is a tonic. Hope we get a few more weeks of warm not rainy weather in UK before October! Xxx

Thanks cola, really appreciate being able to come on here and get such amazing support, it does really help. Every day is pretty up and down and it's been like that for few months now so think we just need to take these steps forward. Just so many horrible situations all the time and it's becoming unbearable and makes me sad that we have to live like this now. 6 of DH's friends have had babies recently so he's part of this horrible group watsapp 'head wetting x 6' but thank god he's on his work trip then so he doesn't have to go but we've got to go and meet some of them in the next few weeks as they're close friends so got to go and buy more baby cards and presents and can't help but be sad as we would've nearly had a baby by now as well. Just feels bloody unfair and cruel sometimes.

My only concern with starting treatment is that we're forcing it to happen and then might have another mc as it wasn't meant to be but I think with IMSI they can get a good idea of whether or not the sperm is good so hopefully that's not the case. Guess we'll just have to discuss with consultant but he seemed confident last time.
Baby bombs are shite and people always say it shouldn't impact on you and it has nothing to do with your situation etc but it really hurts when it's not happening for you and it can feel like an absolute kick in the teeth. Hope you manage to get through it ok.
I'm with you on the same thoughts. They just go round and round don't they? Sometimes I think oh god I'm sick of myself ha ha. I'm one of 4 so always wanted a big family too and can imagine feeling the same in your position. My DH is an only child and I just find it a completely alien concept and don't understand 'why' you would only have one child but as we know, it's sometimes not that simple. xx

Chlo I hope you get some good results from latest test. I totally get what you mean about just having had enough of all this and wanting to crack on. I think I've reached that stage too, so I'm hoping Nov will mean a referral for us and then hopefully IVF sometime next year. Coming back from hols is hard, I struggle with that too, but I'm sure you'll get back in your groove again soon.

Cola You sound so upbeat lately, I hope you are feeling it too and enjoying the challenge of your new job.

I feel a bit greedy for thinking it really but yes I also think about the size of family thing. I never imagined a big family, but I think I pictured a couple of kids or maybe three if we were feeling keen. Now I feel we have lost so much time and even two seems like way too much to hope for. Obviously am just focusing on trying to have one, but if I'm honest it is there in the back of my mind.

We are mid shag-week and am finding it as hard as ever. I've basically given up, and I can't claim any real enthusiasm for sex at all either, which is sad and does make me question whether there is something wrong with us at times. But what else can we do really? I feel like we can't give up trying, even though the odds after about 22 cycles with literally nothing ever must be absolutely tiny. But I can't see it actually working so I sort of feel we are going through the motions. I love my DP so much but the passion is just zero tbh. Meh.

I did sort of laugh at the Kate baby bomb. Imagine if they had fertility probs - what would happen? Royal IVF? That would be interesting!

Thanks ladies. Sounds like a lot of us are getting to the next stage now so hopefully we can help each other through this next bit. Have you got an appointment set for November rational?
I always feel like we've lost time too, and it's one of the things that plays on my mind when I allow myself to start thinking about everything but I guess realistically we've only lost a year or 2 which isn't a great deal of time in the grand scheme but it's hard not to panic when your friends are having their 2nd or 3rd. My friend said to me the other day that it's not a race and we'll get there but it's just taking longer which of course I know is true, but it's still hard. I veer between just thinking about getting pregnant and nothing beyond that to thinking about having a big family and planning the next 5 years, think that's my all or nothing side coming through!

Definitely hard to keep up the shagging! We had to set the alarm for 6am this morning to get one in, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep!

Yeah Chlo we have our consultant follow-up appt in Nov, after we saw her in June for our test results which showed no issues. This will be almost the 2 year mark (certainly would be by time we get referred and see the clinic) so I'm expecting that will be what happens.

Lol re 6am, I'm usually the opposite trying to stay awake for it! Sometimes we just lie there and there and look at each other and have conversations like "I can't really be arsed, can you? Should we just give up and get a dog or something? I spose not. Right, give me five minutes, I'll work up some enthusiasm". It's just sooo romantic! Can't do mornings, we are rubbish morning people. Quite often I'll be tired at work and people say "late night was it?" and then ask what I was doing so I have to make something up! Tempting to say "well we needed to have sex and neither of us felt up for it so it took ages, especially as we had an argument half way through, and we're both knackered today", but I don't think my colleagues would want to hear that!

Oh and today a friend has given birth and has gone into hideous detail about the process and how her body is after, so squeamish me is like "can I even cope with that anyway?", and I'm feeling a bit down and pathetic. Grrrr. Do I really want to go through all this nightmare to then have my innards ripped apart in something that sounds like a scene from a horror movie?!

Hey guys,

Can I join in the thread please?

I'm 31 and TTC #1. Been off contraception for 13 months but then got diagnosed with an underactive thyroid so although didn't re-start contraception only started proper "trying" once this normalised in January.

I'm now in cycle 9 of "trying" (timing with ovulation etc) and waiting for blood test results from GP tomorrow (though already found out thyroid is now overactive - which seems to have made my periods super light and short!) husband has sperm test in a couple for weeks. So it's good to feel Ike we might make some progress.

Super fed up with it all. Everyone I know if pregnant and I have baby showers to go to that I really can't not attend.

Good to hear from others who've been trying as long x

Welcome Claire, of course you can join us. Sorry to hear of your thyroid problem and struggle to conceive. It's a difficult thing to deal with but we are all in the same boat here (or at least in a flotilla of similar boats!) and can empathise.

Sounds like you're making some great positive steps with getting tests done - it isn't easy making that step. Really hope you get a bfp soon, but in the meantime if you have any questions about tests or just want to vent about things then there is bound to be at least one person who has been there and knows how you feel.

Welcome claire, lots of us here to support each other and give good, friendly advice.
It's horrible when you can't avoid these situations. It gets you down in the end having to put a brave face on and try to pretend like it's not really upsetting. Think that's the bit I find the hardest of all. Do your friends/family know you're trying?
Ha ha rational, it's such a passion killer isn't it? We're only doing it in the mornings when we can because we were advised that's when the testosterone is strongest (who knows if it actually has any effect or not!). Last night we gave it a go as decided to try every day while it's peak time but sooo couldn't be bothered and neither could DH. I actually said well done to him as knew how tired he was and how much effort it took lol. Have you had lots of tests done so far?

Sorry but had to laugh, I much prefer mornings for it and I'm sure DD was conceived after a lazy Sunday morning so I can add that empirical evidence 😂 We just never seem to manage morning shags now that DD wakes us so maybe that's our problem lol

trying don't mind the hype, I know it can be bad but more often than not childbirth is a lot less traumatic. People love sharing the horror stories!! I had an unplanned home birth and only had gas for last twenty mins when paramedics arrived but it was very doable in hindsight and I didn't need a single stitch after!! In a weird way I enjoyed it, it was a relief after all the build up and worrying about it. I must say hypnobirthing cds helped ever though they sound SO airy fairy ☺️

I must say sorry I was a bit selfish ranting about my big family desire, because lots of us feel that way and I assumed maybe it was just me. A big family just feels like home to a lot of us I guess. And I think the thing is it may happen for us all that we end up with big broods, just feels impossible when you're living the reality of ttc, which shrinks time into a horrid series of failed cycles. Ugh!

Welcome Claire and sorry you are having this shitty wait to conceive too. If anything I felt it more keenly when I got to cycle 8 or 9 than I do now on cycle 22 as it was a shock. Hopefully you will be pregnant soon but while you wait, we know from our perspective about the tough emotions so feel free to let them out here! Xxx

Thanks Cola for some sensible perspective on childbirth, you're absolutely right about the horror stories and I have snapped out of worrying about that now - so silly really! Am instead into the dreaded tww rollercoaster of knowing it's another bfn but secretly still hoping a teeny bit. Once AF arrives I'll be able to see sense again - I'm always the same but it strangely doesn't stop me going through the whole pointless set of emotions! Grrrr!

I also have to have a chat with my manager (who is great, knows about the tests I was having and has known me for years through thick and thin) just as a review and I have been thinking about what to say to her. Just sitting down and pondering how I'm feeling about work has made me realise how much this whole thing has affected me. I'm coping ok but I'm definitely not feeling like I have capacity to really push myself, explore new things etc. I had the chance to apply for a secondment at a higher grade earlier in the year and I didn't even consider it, which raised a few eyebrows. I'm just going to be honest and say I'm ok but it's really hard and I feel like I need to protect myself a bit and not take on too much. I struggle to concentrate at times and when AF is due I'm just hypersensitive and have to work hard not to cry at my desk sometimes. I know it's stupid but I'm just worried if I explain this I'm going to turn into a blubbering wreck and it will just be awkward. But I like to be open with people where possible, I think it's important, and hopefully it'll help her understand why I'm retreating into my shell a bit lately. Will be glad to get that over with tbh.

How is everyone else doing? Hope you're hanging in there, getting in some good morning sessions and dodging the baby bombs as best you can!

Hi guys and welcome Claire. Sorry you're struggling too, vent on us, it's what this thread is here for!

Tww here, I feel the same as you, Trying, where I know it'll be a bfn but still have that smidge of hope. Terrible timing last week so combined with low sperm morphology it's highly unlikely.

On the positive side of things, I am beginning to make tentative enquiries about adoption which is scary but so nice to feel there might be options. I also plan to make an appointment with a fertility doctor (private) and make an acupuncture appointment. Got to stay positive!

Hugs to all!

Hi everyone. Hope you're all doing ok.

I had my HSG on Tuesday, it was not a very nice experience I have to say! Really painful but over very quickly. One tube is totally fine, the other one he couldn't get the dye through but he couldn't say whether it was blocked or just the pain spasms stopping the dye flowing. So it was a bit annoying not to get a definitive answer, and I sort of wish I'd asked him to try again but at the time I was just a bit overwhelmed with it all. I can start clomid next cycle though, so I'm glad we're able to move on to the next step.

Ladies who have had an HSG, did you bleed much afterwards? I had spotting tues and weds but today I've had a fair amount of bleeding and I don't know whether to be worried or not. The doctor didn't say anything about bleeding, and the leaflet says no after effects, but reading online some people do seem to get some spotting.

The same day I had the HSG my sis had her 12 week scan, so I've had to see all the announcements on facebook / what's app group etc and all the congratulations messages. Just such a shitty juxtaposition as I wish so so much it was me telling everyone our happy news, instead of updating my friends on the state of my fallopian tubes!

Big hugs, Sunshine - I found HSG painful as well, but as you say at least it is quick and you are soon home again. Well done you, another thing ticked off. Note to anyone else reading who hasn't had one: not everyone finds it painful and I have at least two good friends who found it not even uncomfortable so please don't worry yourself, you'll be fine!

I had some bleeding but it got better each day and was really just spotting, so I'd be tempted to just check - could you maybe call the hospital and see if someone could call you about it?

Even if you only have one tube clear you can still get pregnant (and your chances aren't halved, which I was amazed by) so try not to stress. Also when I had mine the doctor could only see one as clear, but when I saw the consultant she said both were actually fine, she said that often one tube just spills better than the other, so I needn't have been concerned after all.

Oh and also just for info my next few cycles were slightly odd (spotting before AF which I don't normally get) but that stopped after 4 cycles.

Sorry you've had the frustration of your sis being pregnant as well. Must be hard on you. Good news re starting Clomid though, positive action always good.