10+ months TTC

[Kookie88]

I've just reached cycle 10 and I'm despairing. I've tried to stay focused and positive all this time but it's all gotten a bit much. Each month I've tried something new but nothing seems to be working. (This month is acupuncture month, last month was fertilitea month)!

I guess I just needed to vent I don't want to sound like a total debbie downer but today's been tough!

Congrats sooz! I missed this too! Hope you have a fantastic time and you enjoy your special day. A wedding is definitely a good TTC distraction :)

Interesting that some of you have kept things to yourselves. I'm on another thread and a lot of the ladies there are the same and also haven't told friends or close family. My mum's so nosy I don't think I'd even have a chance not to tell her! She's very supportive but she has overstepped the mark at times and has told other family members things which DH hasn't been very happy about but we're a big family and unfortunately, everyone knows each others business and wants to know what's going on! She also struggles to say the right thing so I do get frustrated and vent on her a bit sometimes but it's a hard, difficult situation to be in.

Feel for you going on holiday with other friend with kids trying.. It's especially hard being in that situation when the people don't know. I'm sure you had a great time but you want to have your own kids there, that's only natural. Do you have other friends that you have opened up to apart from this group of people?

Cola am totally with you. I'm trying to stay positive at the moment and focus on going on holiday and my business but it's always there, just have some days that are better than others.

I'm in the 2WW now as well. AF is due next week just before holiday, which is DH's husbands birthday. Keep thinking about how amazing it would be for AF not to arrive and to give him the best birthday present ever but don't want to get my hopes up.

We're booking another appointment for him to have his sperm DNA fragmentation checked again after holiday and to see the consultant and going to ask hi again then what he recommends as best course of action going forward. I feel a bit better even just knowing that we've got appointments coming and not just sitting around in limbo.

We have been pretty open with people, if it comes up it comes up. Most people are fine and it isn't awkward but I've noticed a couple will change the subject, funny that.

I think people find it awkward bertie but I think that's a lame excuse for not talking to someone about it. That's kind of the issue I had with my BF. She doesn't find it easy to talk about stuff but I got to the point where I thought well it's not easy going through it so it's not really good enough. Sometimes you have to have awkward conversations, that's being a friend to someone.

Are you and DH open with each other about it? I know mine thinks about it all the time as well which isn't easy.

Chlo I have told a select group of close friends who I can trust to keep it to themselves. They have all been lovely, although I recognise what Bertie said about some being a bit odd - I think some people don't know what to say and so end up saying nothing much and retreating. I found the same when my Dad died - people don't mean to, but they become distant as they don't know how to help. At least it is better than "relax" and all that rubbish!

I've also told my sister as she's one of my best friends and gets it. She doesn't intend to have kids (and she's gay so it isn't going to happen by accident!) but offered me her eggs if it would help, bless her! We both use each other for support rather than our Mum really. She's dead sensible and knows what to say to be encouraging but can also tell me straight if I'm being a total idiot, which obviously I often am!

Thats good that you've told your close friends rational.. I do find people are a bit shit with the whole thing sometimes but then I'd rather them know than not. It just becomes a big elephant in the room otherwise I find. So good that you've got your sister for support too, she sounds amazing. That's what you need really isn't it, the support and encouragement but also soon to say enough's enough, pull yourself together! I think only a very very close friend or sibling could do that without causing offence though!

I have a funny relationship with my sis. She never had kids, I think she did want them but she never opens up about anything. She was single in her late 30s and met her new partner at 42 so perhaps she just felt she left it too late, I don't know but she never asks about stuff or how I am and it really pisses me off tbh. I know she asks my mum but in a way that makes it worse because I know my mum tells her when I'm struggling and she doesn't ever text me and say hope you're ok even. I've raised it with my mum but she says oh she doesn't like to keep asking you stuff because it might upset you but I think that's an excuse tbh because she never bloody asks!

Anyway... on another note, my reflexologist just emailed me and recommended a book called Getting pregnant faster by Marilyn Granville. Has anyone read it or heard of it? Apparently her colleague gave the book to a couple and they took the advice and followed the diet and supplements and it really improved his sperm quality, which would be good for me and DH, although we're already following a fertility diet and he's taking proxeed plus but will still have a look.

I've noticed that male fertility has been in the press and news a lot recently, which is a good thing. There was a big article about how they've studied fish and the males are displaying strong female characteristics which they put down to the pill in the water and chemicals in the food chain and in plastics. I guess that's why they advise you to eat organic where possible and use BPA plastic containers. Good that they're finally looking into this stuff though, it's often overlooked and us females get the blame!

Awww that's a shame with your sis Chlo. It's hard when people don't just speak to you directly about things. I suppose once you get into that pattern it's hard to get out of it, but it would certainly be nice if she could acknowledge how you're feeling. I'm def lucky with my sis, but my DP hardly has any contact with his siblings - can't choose your family eh!

I heard an interview with Marilyn Grenville - you might find it interesting www.thefertilitypodcast.com/episode11/

Yes I think because we've had miscarriages it either gives people something to talk about or they get extra uncomfortable. Most people have been great though but I suppose it's just that a young couple taking over 18 months to conceive is so unusual people aren't sure how they're supposed to react.

I know what you mean bertie.. I also worry about people talking about us as can't stand the thought of people judging or pitying us. I know it's not our fault but you can't help but feel a failure and it's horrible.

Thanks for the podcast recommendation rational, I'll look that up later. As you say, it's swings and roundabouts I guess and you can't win on all fronts!

I feel bad as just had a bit of a go at DH. One of our friends who has had IVF wants to meet me and I'm pretty certain it's to tell me that it's worked so he said how do you feel about it and I said pleased for them obviously but sad that we're the last ones left as such and every person I know who has struggled is now pregnant so I also feel like I don't have anyone in RL whose going through the same thing.

He then starts saying the usual let's just stay positive, we need to just focus on us, things feel different now etc etc and we're making loads of progress. I just find it frustrating because if we moved to a remote desert island, of course I could use focus on us but we can't, and I'm constantly around it and it makes me feel absolutely shit. That won't change unless I stop communicating with 95% of my friends and don't ever go on social media again, both of which are hardly unlikely. I know it sounds like I'm being a bitch and I am a bit but sometimes I'd just prefer him to acknowledge my feelings rather than telling me how I should be feeling. It's not like I want to feel like this and I know it sounds harsh but I really don't think he feels it acutely as I do. I work from home now whereas he's out all day and very busy and I'm at home and meeting up with friends who have all got babies and children. Eurgh, just frustrates me.

I don't know if it's unfair of me to think this or it's too much of a generalisation but I just don't think the thoughts of this are as all consuming to men as to women. I can't believe the extent to which this is on my mind - and I genuinely know my hubby wants us to get pregnant so much too, but in no way is it on his mind all the time like it is on mine. That's not to say he doesnt think about it, he does and I know it. But not like I think about it - constantly analysing and researching why and options and things to try, always thinking where am I in my cycle, always watching. They must be wired differently. I think they simply cannot understand how all consuming it is for us - hell I wouldn't have believed it myself only for going through it. It makes for so many challenges doesn't it! If they knew what that felt like, they'd understand how strong the yearning is, how much it hurts to feel everyone else can do this except you and how it can't always be simply shaken off. My hubby is getting wise now to the fact there are times he simply needs to hug me and shut up lol

We've a holiday in two weeks and man do I need it! Lots of change at work which is positive but draining, Hope ye are all finding ways to let off steam and find some respite from this all consuming process xxx

Wow it's been busy on this thread today!

It's constantly on my mind too cola. I think it's always going to be more intense for the woman as we're always so aware of where we are in our cycle and exactly what's going on with our bodies. I hate it when I realise I'm getting my period again and I have to tell DH, I know we're in it together but it feels like I'm controlling the process because it's happening (or not happening!) in my body, so its more my responsibility, if that makes sense?

We've told quite a lot of people, like bertie if it comes up in conversation then we've been open about it (apart from at work although I've had so many vague appointments lately I expect some people have guessed). On the whole everyone has been really supportive, of course you get the "have you tried booking a holiday" / "it'll happen when you stop trying" and other unhelpful suggestions but that's just because people don't know what to say.I would rather it gets acknowledged that we have this massive shit thing going on in our lives than feel like I have a big secret or it's something to be embarrassed about. I have definitely educated some of my friends on conception and fertility!

Glad you are enjoying the podcast trying I have found it good to listen to relevant episodes, she covers a lot of different topics.

Congrats sooz and I hope you have an amazing wedding day!

We've had another set back this week as the hospital cancelled my HSG that was scheduled for next week :( bit gutted as I was really focused on getting that out the way and hopefully starting clomid next cycle. Now I have to wait until Sept for the HSG so it delays everything for another month. Plus the new date is really awkward for work stuff and I've had to ask my boss to cover something I was meant to be doing which I feel bad about but there's no flexibility of when I can have it done. And we haven't been trying this month because obv we were told not to DTD. Hoping we haven't quite missed ovulation!

I totally agree cola. I don't want to sound like I'm making it into a competition or like I'm belittling his feelings about the whole thing but I just don't think he feels it as acutely as I/we all do. And I also agree that I didn't even realise myself how much it takes over your life. I remember a close friend saying she wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy and at the time, I obviously didn't understand and thought that was a bit dramatic but now I completely get what she means. I think it is one of the worst things you can go through and it just never ever goes away, it's always there, some days more than others but most of the time, it's there making you feel absolutely shit and you just can't live a normal happy life. Where are you off to on your holiday?

Sorry to hear about the HSG sunshine. I think to most people a month here or there seems like nothing but when you're TTC long term, every month seems like a life time and one month out seems like a huge setback. Hopefully you haven't missed it this month and might get lucky and not need the appointment anyway.

My mum asked about the friend I'm meeting tomorrow who I'm pretty sure is going to tell me her IVF worked. They're going to a similar part of Spain for their holiday and we made plans to meet up and she said she wants to meet me before we go so I'm sure it is that. I kind of said to my mum that I'd rather just spend time with DH now and she said oh yeah but she's really been through it hasn't she which yes, she absolutely has and I really am pleased and relieved for her that it's finally worked as I know how depressed it was making her but I also, selfishly I guess, just want a break from it all. I'm sick and tired of being the happy friend to everyone with good news and I know that sounds awful but that's how this whole thing has made me feel. I'd rather just go away and try for a few days at least to forget about it!

Totally understand, chlo, I think it's a natural response. Hopefully your friend will understand, having been through things herself, and lets you have the relaxing holiday you need.

Definitely sunshine, we are too firmly in the driving seat!

chlo we are heading for Portugal and I just love it there. Amazing weather, culture and beaches. Bring it on!! Enjoy your break too and hope your friend understands and is mindful of it

I went out for a drink after work tonight. Man I needed it happy weekends all xxx

Oo I've got all behind again! Just away for the weekend which is nice. Feeling hormonal (AF due in next few days) and been triple baby-bombed today so a bit meh about that. A 42 yr old friend had her third, and a woman I used to babysit for (she's 30) had twins. My mum sent me 6 photos of them. She's subtle. Not!

Re the men not feeling it the same, I think it's partly the fact that we are more aware of our cycle that makes it harder to ignore, plus for me personally it's me who will have to physically endure any tests and treatments (plus hopefully pregnancy and birth) which is a source of massive stress that is never too far from my mind. Not to mention the hormones that turn me crazy at this point in my cycle.

Chlo I totally feel the same about having to be the nice friend who is always having to be happy for someone else. I'm sick of it too. I'm really lucky and have a great life in general, so I know I'm being a brat really, but I have reached a point where I'm fed up of having to suck my innards together and put on a brave face to congratulate another person on their seemingly effortless conception. It's awful, but I think it's important to be honest with at least a few people about it, so I'm glad I can say it on here!

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Sounds lovely Cola, bet you can't wait. I know I'm literally counting down the days now! I ended up getting drunk on Friday with an old friend. First time I have done that in literally AGES. We just sat in the garden chatting and pouring our hearts out and next thing two bottles of proecco had gone. I keep feeling guilty just incase AF doesn't turn up next week but at same time it felt so good just to forget about it all for a few hours.

I'm so glad I can say it on here too rational.. I'm same as you really, everything else is great but it's just this one big thing that is really ruining my life tbh. I ended up chatting to my mum and DH about it again last week as was feeling so rubbish and explained to DH I'm not just feeling a bit sad about it, it's actually making me feel ill some days and like I just don't want to get out of bed. I think after holiday we'll go to see the consultant but I'm also going back to see the counsellor as definitely need some help to cope with all the emotions. Today I feel ok but I'm so up and down, it's just not healthy.

Nearly forgot, friend was really good and didn't go over the top or make me feel crappy. This is their 5th round of IVF and they've been trying for 5 years so I think she can hardly believe it to be honest so they're just taking one day at a time which is understandable.

Hope everyones having good weekends.

Aw chlo your friend - Wow, 5th round of ivf and five years 😳 That's some hard road! They must be almost disbelieving that it's happened alright!

It is really challenging to deal with these emotions, and the counselling is such a help at giving different ways to look at it - and just to be able to say out loud to someone how sht it is without worrying about hurting their feelings or such. Do you still do the yoga too? I find exercise a great help to me emotionally, it makes me feel strong & positive and it does give a release for shitty feelings too so maybe worth a try xxx
I get these ups and downs too sometimes and then the guilt for feeling down - vicious circle! And personally I think few drinks is very necessary every now and then to let off steam so glad you had your prosecco Friday 🥂

Flipping heck a triple baby bomb in the tww is just torture, sorry to hear it trying! Hormones are such pricks- making us feel horrendous but not serving their purpose and helping us get up the duff! Xxx

I know, they have seriously been through it. I feel bad now for saying I was worried about meeting her but I do know of people who have been through similar and are obviously then so pleased it's happened that they can't contain their excitement etc which is totally understandable but I just couldn't face at moment but she was great so I was just worrying about nothing, as is normally the case!

I still do the yoga and it does make me feel good and I work out three times a week but think sometimes I get myself into a rut where everything feels pointless and I slip into a bit of a hole. I don't really know what triggered it last week, perhaps being away and having such a lovely time on holiday and being able to forget about it and then coming back to reality with a huge bang? I was quite shocked how my mood just changed so dramatically. I think it was coming back to reality with a big bang. Obviously it's nice seeing my friends but they all have babies or are pregnant, all the watsapps groups with friends are about children a lot of the time which no-one means anything by but it's always wheres good to go with the kiddies and when I'm feeling really low and ultra sensitive, even things like that make me feel crap and I had to buy three new baby cards and presents last week and a baby shower gift. It's just pretty overwhelming and I guess when I'm away, I feel like I can breathe and finally escape it all!

Awww Chlo, massive hugs. It's hard coming back from hols. Hope you soon feel better. I'm feeling just the same too, I really am. Yesterday I had (from wife of one of DPs friends, who I don't know v well) "Do you not want kids then?" and before I could open my mouth to give some kind of "we'll see" evasive answer the wife of another of his friends piped up "well obviously he'll have to get a job first!" (DP is a contractor and between jobs at the mo). If only they knew how that he's had 3 jobs in the time we've been trying!

Thanks hun. I do feel better today, probably because I'm a few days from going away again! I've got lots to do this week before I go, mainly because I came to a standstill last week but that's good, I'm so much better when I'm busy and kept occupied otherwise my thoughts consume me!

It's horrible when things like that happen isn't it because it just makes you think of how long it's been and what's happened in that time etc etc. not a good spiral to get in but hard when someone makes an offhand comment like that which strikes a nerve.

On another note, did anyone see that Danielle Westbrook is supposedly pregnant? I mean wtf?? I read that on the daily mail this morning and thought oh come on, this is a joke! After all the crap she's put into her body, can't believe she's having another baby at 43!

People are so unwittingly insensitive! That's so crappy trying but like what can you do - i swear it's good they can't read our minds cos mine is full of expletives when I get those remarks!
at least once a week someone at work asks me when I'm going to have my second, and they all ask it with comments like "oh you better hurry up now or the gap will be too big and they won't get on" as if im going around with my chastity belt securely fastened in the name of my career. Screw them 😂

Chlo I find the only cure for me after holiday is planning more holidays! I swear I can't actually cope unless I have a countdown to something to look forward to Xxx

Just a quickie to wish Sooz a very happy wedding day and lots of fun in your marriage. Have a wonderful time 💐

Yes congratulations Sooz, hope all went well and you've had a wonderful day. Here's to some Honeymoon magic? 🍾

Many congrats sooz, hope you had a great day xx

Hope you had a wonderful wedding, Sooz!

AF arrived yesterday so that's me out again. I actually felt worse last week and feel ok this week, maybe because I've got our holiday to look forward to and I've been busy this week and because of pre AF hormones or something.

Also, had a good chat with him about it (he's on a business trip for 2 days so he's away but sometimes easier to chat when you're not in each other's pockets) and he said he would've been worried about it if we had got a positive because the doctor said for the first month or so after the varicocele op, the sperm are still recovering so he said he would've been worried incase it wasn't a good sperm that had somehow slipped through the net so to speak. I didn't think of it like that but he's got a good point. Also, whereas each month I'm thinking it's less and less likely and lose more and more hope, he said we have to remember what the doctor said in that it's actually more likely because his sperm are getting stronger and stronger. Anyway, we've got the sperm frag test booked for the 5th sep and then follow up on the 18th so we'll see what happens then and where we can go from here.

How's everyone else doing?