10+ months TTC

[Kookie88]

I've just reached cycle 10 and I'm despairing. I've tried to stay focused and positive all this time but it's all gotten a bit much. Each month I've tried something new but nothing seems to be working. (This month is acupuncture month, last month was fertilitea month)!

I guess I just needed to vent I don't want to sound like a total debbie downer but today's been tough!

I've found this board so helpful too, it's so good to be able to talk to people who get it!

Having a tough day today (classic CD1 blues, hello month 17). Work has been stressful lately and added to that I've had various meetings about planning for one of my team's maternity leave and managing her stress, obviously I've been professional about it but inside I'm screaming IT SHOULD BE ME!!!

And my sis has told me today that she's expecting again after having twins last year... it was an accident as she missed a few pills. She was lovely about it and was obviously dreading telling me. I just don't get how she is super fertile and my body doesn't work, we have the same genes!

Hugs to all xx

Sorry to hear that sunshine, sounds like a tough day. Can imagine that you're obviously happy for your sis but you want it for yourself! And bloody hard having to have meetings like that at work. I found it hard when my assistant was pg and going on mat leave but wasn't too far into this whole journey then. One thing I'm really pleased about is that I'm not in that environment anymore as think I'd find it unbearable now! Hoping that the HSG gives you a helping hand and it happens soon x

Wow I can't keep up with you lot, busy bees! Haha Bertie I hope your DH managed to restrain himself ok and save it all for the pot!

chlo I haven't tried the book yet, tbh was in denial and trying to avoid reading much IVF stuff, but think have reached the point where I just need to admit that I'm thinking about it anyway so may as well embrace it and try to prep myself as best I can. Have found the fertility podcast good as well so thanks to whoever recommended that, sorry I've lost track.

A close friend has become pregnant on her first IVF cycle, which is great news. I don't feel baby bombed as she has been trying as long as me and is a few years older so actually I'm kinda relieved it is her first if you know what I mean. Her IVF went really smoothly which has helped make me feel better about it too.

Everyone else I hope you're all doing ok and have a good weekend planned. I'm off on hols tomorrow night - going away in our campervan for a week and a bit. Shag week in the van is always a bit weird (not as romantic as it might sound, not that shag week is romantic these days anyway tbh!!) so am hoping we can manage a few decent efforts. My teenage self would be so appalled that I have a real live man in my bed every night and we're not at it like rabbits, but such is life eh!

Have a great holiday!!! Scare the neighbours by rocking that van xxx

Hey ladies
Am trying really hard to cling on to my positivity this month. I felt really down a few weeks ago when AF was here as usual but got myself back on track. Had three baby bombs this week though and finding it really tough. All anyone ever says is it'll be your turn next, hang on in there but it never is it feels and how much longer can I keep hanging on in?? I've had a good cry to Dh and my mum which made me feel slightly better and then an old work friend told me her good news this afternoon and it's just chinked away at that last bit of little positivity I was feeling. I know it has no bearing on our situation but it just hits me so hard these days and knocks the hope right out of me. One girl is my hairdresser so am seeing her today and feel like I'm going to have to put on the bravest face I can muster and smile the big fake smile and ask all the right questions. Have done this so so many times now and it hurts.

Aaw Chlo I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It's a shitty place to be and it's really not fair. I think you just have to let yourself cry and talk it out with supportive people. It's hard when people say ' your turn will come, it'll happen' and I'm like but you don't know that!!! I know they are trying to be helpful but it's hard to feel like it ever will be your turn and it just seems so easy for others. You just have to keep going, be kind to yourself and take some time to hideaway if you need to I think. And moan on here hugs x

Chlo, I think you might have done this already but if not I found setting a date to start ivf treatment really helped me. It meant I knew this trying naturally with sweet f all progress wouldn't go on indefinitely. Obv the study plonked a spanner in it for me & knowing the date is now next April means waiting, but somehow my mind feels it's easier to cope with. After as many cycles of heartache as we've had I think there's a point your mind says enough!!! I'm on cycle 22 now and I know I've had enough!!!
The baby bombing never gets easier, or seeing pregnant ladies on the tube or thinking about that empty spare bedroom in your head that you've designated nursery. I hate hate hate trying to conceive now with a vengeance! it's the hardest thing I've ever experienced to go through these emotions every day and it's been brutal since around this time last year when I started to think maybe something's wrong. I've definitely had and still have ups and downs, highs and lows and I think that's unfortunately unavoidable down to our blasted f-ing hormones. I just keep trying to focus on two things; we WILL get there in the end & i can tell you it's worth it, it's worth every ounce of it and more. Sending lots of hugs xxxxx

I so know what you mean, Chlo, I've been struggling lately too and sometimes things just get too much. We went to see friends who have three kids yesterday, and we last saw them when we just began ttc. I remember them asking last time if we wanted kids (they are close friends who DP has known since childhood so wasn't that nosey a question!) and we were like "yeah, hopefully" (of course I thought next time I saw them we would have a bump or baby), but this time when the topic came up my heart strings just twanged so hard and I had to change the subject. I did consider telling them, but DP isn't v comfortable sharing, plus we rarely see them so I didn't think it was worth it really. Is telling any of the baby-bombers an option, or is it not likely to help do you think? I just find sometimes keeping things in can be a torture in itself. But at the same time, telling superfertile folk can also be an awkward thing.

Do you have any friends who have had kids after fertility issues? I'm fortunate to have a few, and have had some good pep talks from them along the lines of "infertility is total shizzle, it really is, but IVF wasn't as bad as I thought and once you have a child you soon forget all you went through to have them" which really helped me. Also I've found the infertility podcast really good to listen to and there's some stuff on there about support groups etc which might possibly be helpful if you don't have any friends who can reassure you?

Hope you're feeling better now. It's so hard but you are definitely making progress, and this time won't last forever x

Oops I meant the fertility podcast!

Thanks so much ladies for your replies and support, it's really appreciated.

I do have quite a few friends who have been in the same situation rational so am lucky in that sense as they've given me good advice along the way and some good pep talks too but at the same time, they have young babies and as much as they do get it, they're in a different place now and I kind of don't want to drag them back to that place if you know what I mean? And most people know that we're trying but I guess people just don't really know what to say. It would be worse I guess if they didn't tell me their news as then I'd feel even more crap. Just a shitty situation all round isn't it. I know that most of our friends think I'm coping amazingly well and if I ever do say I'm struggling they completely get it but it doesn't change the fact that I have these feelings and as you say, sometimes it just gets too much and I think surely even the toughest, most resilient person would find this shit hard to deal with!

I think as you say cola, it's just absolutely bloody brutal. Think that word just sums it up so well. We haven't got a date for IVF, we've got to let DH's sperm recover after varicocele op and continue with the diet plan and see what happens. Maybe that's why I feel a bit crap again as we're in limbo just waiting to see what happens and while all the appointments have been good and we're going in the right direction, we're still not there yet. We've got another appointment with the consultant to test DH's sperm frag in September so maybe we discuss things after that. It had already improved from the supplements without the surgery or diet so they're confident it will come down to a normal range and we can get pg naturally but then a normal person's chances are still quite slim so I'm just worried that we'll still be in this position in 6 months time.

I guess we just have to carry on doing what we're doing and stay hopeful x

you know chlo it's the feeling of complete powerlessness in this whole mess that gets me the worst now so I can see how the progress, while wonderful and very heartening, also does leave you a bit in limbo around the magic question we all want the answer to so so much - when will I get pregnant?
But it has to be closer now chlo, real things have happened that are resolving the issues found and I really hope it's soon. This is the only forum in which I really won't mind being baby bombed xxx

Exactly that cola, it's just the feeling of still not knowing when, which is fine in the early days but when you're ttc long term, it just gets to a point where you've had enough. It's really helped talking to you ladies who understand, you've made me feel a lot better so thank you x

DH's sperm test came back. Over the average for everything except vitality which is slightly under. Great news but does leave us with nothing to work with for now! So just keep trying/waiting until January, I suppose.

Great news Bertie (though I know it's also kinda crap when everything seems ok cos it's not an explanation). But it's another test done and a step nearer to BFP.

Yes, I'm quite relieved, we didn't think sperm was the issue but if it had been, it would have just been an extra difficulty if that makes sense.

My temps have been all over this month so I don't know when I ovulated which is annoying. But we've dtd every day since he was allowed so should be covered!

Bertie congrats on the DHs good stuff!

I had my immunes back today and they're all clear so that's great. Kinda a teeny bit wanted them not to be so I had a reason but it's great they're not bad really!! I also called up my NHS consultant and got my name on the laparoscopy wait list so they can check for endo. Given the seven months waiting time before treatment at least it will tell us something else and apparently the wait time is a few months.

Hope the rest of week has been baby bomb free xxx

How's everyone doing? You'd fallen off my Threads I'm On.

I keep dropping off too bertie. How is everyone doing?

cola that's good news about your immune results and good news on DH's sperm results bertie.

I know what you mean, you kind of want a reason but as Bertie says it's another complication or hurdle to overcome if there had of been an issue and it's another thing you can tick off the list as such. Have you started the new role at work yet?

I just got back from a few days away with my brother and his kids. My two nieces are in their early twenties but they're more like my younger sisters and my nephew is 12 so it was great spending time with them and such a nice change of scenery. I'm going away again next Thursday with DH so am looking forward to that too. Feeling ok about things at the moment but trying not to look too far ahead as that's when I start panicking.

Had a bit of a breakthrough with my BF who I was drifting apart from. She's absolutely rubbish at talking about things but I really needed her to talk to me about stuff. It's not a massive deal but she asked how I'm feeling and said she can't begin to think how crap I feel about stuff sometimes. My other close friends are great and one of them has been through it so they get it but the situation with my BF was really upsetting me so glad she actually acknowledged it and has been asking how I am about stuff. I don't want to go into a massive convo about it anyway as there's not really much to say but it's nice to be asked.

How is everyone else coping at the moment? Hope everyone's doing ok xx

Glad your immune results were fine, Cola. Lap sounds like a good plan if endo checking needed. You sound positive, hope you're having a good week

Chlo that sounds like a great breakthrough, and good that you're having some breaks away as well. Hope you and DH have fun together. Totally know what you mean about thinking ahead too much and panicking - I am trying really hard not to do that too much, but it's easier said than done!

I've had a good holiday with DP, but the downside of it was we spent quite a lot of it with friends who all have kids. All adorable and all at school now, so feel v left behind. They don't know, and I kind of want to tell them, but DP isn't comfortable talking about it and one friend's mum is close friends with my mum and the chances of her letting slip and it getting back to my mum are high. Awkward.

I'm in tww at the mo, but not holding out any hope really. Happy thoughts to everyone else, hope you're enjoying some sunshine and that someone gets a bfp really soon!

Cola, glad the results were okay and good idea getting on the lap list, I had no idea the waiting times were so long.

Chlo, I'm glad you're sorting things with your BF. It's important to have support through this.

Trying, we've all been there, so tough to get through, well done for coping as you did. Interesting that your mum doesn't know; mine doesn't either. Is it because you don't talk about things like that? Sorry for prying if I am, I'm just curious because I'm wondering if I should tell my mum.

I'm in the tww as well but I have little hope. Af is due next Wednesday, typically the day after I get married! With any luck I'll be a day or two late due to stress and we can enjoy our honeymoon!

Sooz I haven't told my Mum because she will catastrophise it and also can't keep anything to herself so will tell everyone and their dog. My DP is a very private person so he would be especially mortified by that. I'm hoping we won't have to tell her at all tbh. I know it's awful to say but she just isn't a help in difficult situations - she doesn't mean to but she has a knack for saying exactly what I don't need to hear. If I mentioned I had a headache she'd come out with one of those "headache turns out to be a brain tumour" type stories!

What's your concern with your Mum?

Hope you have a totally fantastic wedding!!!

Hi all.

DH still hugely broody. He seems to go through spurts of it. I think he's been thinking about it a lot recently. I'm in TWW too.

Hey all, I love the weekly check in here!

sooz you are getting married, I missed this - massive congratulations and hope you have a wonderful day & honeymoon! How exciting, where are you off to?
Btw on the mum front, I didn't intend to say to mine but it came out when I was emotional and hormonal in a phonecall (she lives in Ireland) and she has been great - only mentions it if I bring it up, and is supportive and consoling. I thought it would be more pressure for her to know but it hasn't.

trying you see those are legitimate telling mum fears and I seem to have lucked out so far as I expected a touch of the same! It's hard to know whether best to say or not, I just kind of accidentally blurred it out on a "this is shit day" So I gave myself no choice! The holiday sounds bittersweet - it's hard not to be able to feel fully happy isn't it, or just to be genuinely happy being with your friends and their families but have that underlying sadness and ache. Like I bet you still had a wonderful time of course and wouldn't change it - just want the sadness to stop. I keep thinking "when it does happen we will appreciate it so much more" - there needs to be some consolation right.

Chlo that's great about your bf. nothing feels right in the world for me when my bestie and I aren't on the same page so I bet it feels like a huge relief to be getting closer again. Holiday ahead sounds great - hope you can just really unwind xxx

I'm just trying to keep my mind tuned down on ttc. Impossible as you all well know! But it goes through periods of dominating my thoughts and it's very exhausting mentally and emotionally. I am trying to spend more time with friends and be more social to stop myself ruminating. Also exercising more. I feel like I just want to think about something else but it's always there really. The longing just doesn't go away.

Sorry to end on a bit of a bum note there - on a positive my vitamin D levels are grand. So many tests I've had now! My arm is black and blue from blood samples! Glad to have no more lined up for a few months

Oh and good luck in tww Bertie trying and sooz xxx

I can see that would be a nightmare, Trying, so understand why you haven't told your mum. With my mum it's more that we don't talk about emotional stuff like that... In the past I haven't told her when I started my period, broken up with boyfriends, got bullied at school, been lonely at uni, had money worries, those kind of things. So to tell her this would feel awkward, I don't know. Perhaps she'd be like your mum, Cola, and end up being great to sound off too?

Cola, glad the vitamin D levels are good and enjoy not being a pin cushion for a while! The things we go through, huh?

Fx for you Bertie, in the tww.

Thanks for the good wishes guys. We're just off to a hotel for a few nights afterwards and hopefully honeymoon properly next year. So I just need af to stay away for a few days, but I'm sure it'll come along bang on time. It's been so nice to have this wedding to focus on, the ttc has really taken a back seat although I've not been able to tune it out completely.