10+ months TTC

[Kookie88]

I've just reached cycle 10 and I'm despairing. I've tried to stay focused and positive all this time but it's all gotten a bit much. Each month I've tried something new but nothing seems to be working. (This month is acupuncture month, last month was fertilitea month)!

I guess I just needed to vent I don't want to sound like a total debbie downer but today's been tough!

Also, this will sound silly and like an over reaction but I found it so painful... my best friend said she had some books to give me when I told her I was pg but obviously then had mc and then one of our close friends came to the hen weekend whose heavily pg now and I saw the books in her bag to give to her. I just felt so upset that I couldn't have them? I know it's mad and I can go and buy them myself it's really not a big deal but it just cut me to the core.

Sorry for being such a misery guts ladies x

Hope you're feeling better, Chlo. A counselling session sounds v sensible - hope they can help you get it all out and find some strategies to help.

I was planning a lie-in this morning as I am working from home today, but AF had other ideas so I woke at 6:30 with cramps - grrrr! Now need to phone up and book my day 3 bloods and my HSG - joy. Overall I'm feeling pretty ok, but today the hormones, pain and disappointment combo is a bit rubbish. Thank goodness for ibuprofen!

Chlo, I know exactly how you feel. I think it's very natural. I hope you feel a little better soon.

Trying, sorry to hear you're suffering - thank goodness for painkillers! At least you're another step towards some more tests. DP has his SA today so we'll know more soon. Whenever he complains how unsexy it is I just give him A Look. I've been prodded enough already and there's probably more to come, whereas all he has to do is something pleasurable. Men!

Lol Sooz I know, my OH gets the same look if he moans! I know it's not fun for blokes either, but women do have to bear the brunt of all physical stuff to do with procreation so we def deserve a bit of sympathy

Thanks for all of the support ladies. I feel a bit better today and had my first session back at yoga tonight which felt really good and I've got a session tomorrow with a new PT. Trying to focus on myself and getting fit and healthy again as it will be a good focus and obviously good for me and my mind!

These feelings don't last forever but the never ending struggle of TTC is so bloody tough isn't it. x

hey all - ah chlo it's only natural to feel that way. Its tough as anything to have to listen to everyone going on about it all carefree. They haven't a clue! I shudder as I think how much of a tit I've probably been myself in similar situations. And even though you know they don't mean it, still hurts like balls. And then if you tell someone and they say "it will happen" to try be encouraging I can either feel reassured or pissed off. Rah!

I think the counselling is a good plan. I've had three sessions now since I started. I went on holidays after the second session and I think the combination of it & a break has really massively helped me. I am feeling much more resilient at the moment and less anxious that I must get pregnant asap. I have been putting myself under a crushing burden of pressure to get pregnant and it's been taking over everything. It feels lovely right now to be stepped out of it a bit. Hoping you feel better after yoga x

blackcherries I don't know if there is ever a "right" time so don't second guess yourself, I think you're being brave and going for it! hopefully the FET goes well and that BFP is just a few short weeks away. Xxx

Trying sorry to hear about AF but getting hsg is great news (ok it's a test so it's scary, but a test that potentially increases fertility so woop woop!!)

Also hello sooz and hope you're well xx

Nice to hear from you cola x Your posts always resonate with me so much. I'm so glad you're feeling better about things as I know you were struggling. Holidays really do help don't they. We felt so good last week after our hols and I felt like i had a bit of perspective back and felt really positive but then this weekend just did me in! But yes I do feel a bit better today and it felt great to do yoga again. People just don't realise how hard it can be so their comments are wholly innocent but it still hurts.

Although I feel better today, I've had a bit of an emotional time with dh. Obviously I've been in a bit of state for the last few days but he has been really strong for me but then today he worked from home as he couldn't sleep last night. I had to go out today and I came home and he'd been crying. He said he just hates seeing me so sad and unhappy and it kills him knowing there's nothing he can do. I then feel horrible that I've made him feel upset. I know we're in it together of course, just tough going. We both said neither of us have ever cried as much as we have in last few months in our whole lives. I said well hopefully this will be it and we've done all our sad times in one go. I feel grateful he's so supportive and that he opens up now, rather than go and get pissed which just tore us apart.

How is everyone else getting on? X

Aw Chlo it's so hard, you and your hubby sound like such a united couple though and are really supporting each other. That is actually so rare! I feel after a lot of Hiccups my hubby and I are much more in sync now about trying - i find it so hard to talk out loud about at times but I think I'm better at that now and we are working as a team on it. Once you're talking it out that's everything. I know it's a shitty situation but at least there is the positive of the depth and strength of your relationship and finding when life is shitty you really have each others backs & face it together.

I got AF today - expected, and not feeling awful. Also got apt for scan for June 1st so chugging along through the NHS machine bit by bit!

Awww your poor hubby, Chlo, I hope he's feeling better now. As Cola said, it sounds like you are a strong couple and care so much about each other. Being able to communicate about things is so important. I wish my DP would talk about how he feels, as it's like blood out of a stone, but it's just his way of being I think.

Sorry about AF, Cola. I felt the same this cycle - wasn't really bothered. I think the upside of the tests is that they are at least something to focus on!

Had my day 3 bloods yesterday and my HSG is next Thurs. Still haven't got my last cycle blood results yet as got the bulldog receptionist who wouldn't let me book an appointment with the GP as they were all "normal". She wouldn't tell me what they were as she isn't trained to, but apparently she's trained enough to know I don't need to discuss them - obv nonsense but I couldn't be bothered to argue, so I spoke to another receptionist the next day and she's arranged for doc to call me next Friday to go through all the results. Hoping I've actually ovulated - got a horrible feeling I'm not ovulating for some reason. Ah well, no point worrying til I get the results, argh!

Good luck cherries with your transfer, everything crossed for you

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better chlo and sorry AF turned up cola and trying

This stuff definitely takes its toll on your relationship doesn't it. We do talk about it alot but it's generally me who brings it up. I think it probably has made us stronger, I just wish we didn't have to go through it at all!

Frustrating that they wouldn't tell you your blood results trying seems crazy seeing as it's your body! The receptionists at my GP always say they're not medically trained but they'll read the results over the phone to me. And then I go away and do too much googling!

I am quite enjoying having a break from tracking this cycle, I mean it's still on my mind all the time but feels like a bit less pressure. Just going to try to DTD regularly and not worry so much about timing - after all we've had perfect timing on loads of cycles and it's made no difference! I'm away with work for half of next week which is most of my FW so already thinking this cycle is less likely to happen anyway.

Hope you are all having a nice weekend x

DP and I manage to talk about things and he too says he gets upset to see me upset. Trying not to let it become too overshadowing is hard but important for our relationships.

Found out today a colleague is pregnant with twins. They weren't even really trying! Was such a blow but managed to swallow my feelings and congratulate her and have a nice conversation which made me feel loads better. Really don't want to become a twisted, jealous person! DP was sweet, said we have it all to come and to try not to dwell on things.

Hope you guys are all doing okay x

Well done, Sooz. Like you, I fear becoming like that. I really hope that I can keep some perspective and not become bitter about things. It can be hard though and it's ok to be upset sometimes. It's good that you and your partner can talk about it, and of course he's right - the chances are this is just around the corner for you too.

I'm half way through a challenging week of scary work presentation, HSG and blood results. Presentation went well, HSG is tomorrow, blood results Fri. Am so looking forward to the weekend! Going to visit a friend so will be a nice break and change of scene

Hope everyone else is doing ok. We must be due some good news surely?

Had my HSG. They could only see one tube, but they said that was ok and its still totally possible to get pregnant.

For anyone having an HSG who has read horror stories, it really wasn't so bad. I did find it a little bit painful at times, which they explained after might have been due to tube blockage, but it didn't last long and the people looking after me were so lovely. Now that it is done I feel totally fine, just a bit tired which is probably just the relief as obvs was a bit worried.

Fingers crossed it has flushed out some gunk and this might be our lucky month!

Totally fingers crossed for you, Trying. It's nice to know that the HSG isn't terrible and hopefully this will be your month!

We're waiting on SA results and then we'll know if it's worth pursuing further tests or interventions or if DP's swimmers mean no baby (he's 48 so I'm not holding my breath, although I know it's possible all's fine). I just wish I knew, you know? I find it so hard not knowing. And I get sad because I'm watching people have the joy long after we started hoping for it.

I am off to go and read a good book to cure me of these blues or I'll start bawling. Funny how you can feel bad for a day or two then you naturally cope again without even realising you're doing it.

Yeah it totally wasn't terrible. I took painkillers beforehand as instructed and although it wasn't fun it was over fast. Apparently for some people there is no pain and for others there can be some, so from this experience I'd say don't panic if there is some pain, you're not a total wuss if it hurts, try to breathe through it and remember it won't last forever. I found looking at the screen and the nurse talking were good distractions. Once it was over I felt a bit daft really cos I was absolutely alright straight away. I could have walked home (30mins walk) fine. So seriously don't worry and do talk to the staff about how you're feeling, I'm sure they will be really supportive and kind, they do this stuff all the time.

Hope the SA results are good, Sooz. Age isn't such a problem for men so fingers crossed for you. Do you have long to wait? I know, the not knowing is rubbish. You're definitely taking positive steps though.

A good book sounds like an excellent plan. A friend just lent me a book so I'm going to take a look at that tonight and escape the world for a bit.

Let us know how you go with the SA.

We've also hit 12 months and I'm waiting now for either AF or a BFP. No idea on dates this month so taking it day by day, am spotting so it's likely AF is on her way but I never quite stop hoping.

I'm expecting to call the gynecologist on Monday, so it will either be "Hey, I'm pregnant again!" or "It's been over a year now, what's next?"

Hopefully at this point they take family history into account? I will be really frustrated if they don't, I think.

Oh, and this month was pineapple month, but only I ate it. Next month we'll be having DH scoff the pineapple for the first two weeks and then me the second two weeks, and see if that does any good...

Hope AF stays away for you, Bertie.

My GP called to go through my blood results and it looks like I ovulated last month, don't have anything to indicate PCOS, thyroid is fine, rubella immunity is there and my other hormones are in normal range so basically everything looks ok from that. Obviously am relieved that nothing seems to be wrong, but as he said it is also difficult in a way as you kinda want an explanation. Just an ultrasound to go now and that's me poked and prodded to the max for now

Glad to hear things are looking okay for you, Trying. Although I know what you mean that it would be easier if they said "oh, this is a problem but we can fix it, no worries". Fx for the ultrasound.

Nope, AF turned up, but never mind. I'm going to call about the next steps on Tuesday.

How is everyone else doing? AF has left me very weepy this time which is unusual. I've dug out my thermometer again.

Hi Bertie, just getting af cramps now. Holding up okay though as we weren't really trying. I knew better than to expect it would happen on the one chance we dtd in the fw!

Onto a new month, this time trying properly but I'm not doing opks or BBT. Far too stressful for me. Just going to dtd as much as possible. We get the SA results soon and then can move forward with more tests.

Hope everyone else is doing okay. Sorry you've been a bit down, Bertie.

Hey,
How is everyone doing?? I've been trying not to come on here all the time as can get obsessive for me and wasn't making me feel great. This board has always been really lovely though and not too intense! Hope everyone's doing well. We're in the FW at the moment but not tracking. My periods came back like clockwork after mc and I'm back on old cycle so I think that's quite good. I've also finally started my online business which has been keeping me busy and I feel so much better for having another focus and outlet for my thoughts and energy! Has anyone got any tests or appointments coming up? X

Sorry about AF Bertie. I often get quite tearful around that time too, but usually find after a few days I can dust myself off and focus on the next opportunity, so I hope you are able to do that. It's hard reaching the 12 month "barrier" I think, so go easy on yourself.

Sounds like a good attitude Sooz, hope you have a good cycle and manage to keep as chilled as possible about things.

Chlo I totally know what you mean, not good to spend too much time googling and on forums. Glad your cycles seem ok, that's got to be a good thing. And congratulations on your new business! Good for you for doing something positive like that in spite of difficult times. Wishing you every success!

Still awaiting ultrasound on Fri and then have a whole month til we see the consultant to discuss all of the results - seems like an age, but I spose it is another cycle that we can try at least. Am trying not to pin too much hope on this cycle, but as I had the HSG and you hear all the "I conceived after an HSG" stories I think I might be getting a bit over invested. Ah well!

Hey all, lovely to catch up on all the activity. Chlo glad to hear your cycles back to normal & trying best of luck post hsg, and managing hopes and expectations, I know I would be the same! I'm on day 1 of TWW - this month we managed the two days before ov but down to sleep deprivation missed ov day so bit bummed about that - but generally feeling a lot more chilled out. I worked out with the counselling that I became so singularly focused on conceiving that I'd shut myself off to all the things I enjoy & love and make life good. So now I'm after stepping back which was hard, as I felt it meant I wasn't "dedicated enough" but realising that's just twisted logic my ttc obsessed brain was fuelling!! I feel a lot better. Still want a baby of course but just not shutting off everything else. Amazing how that sounds so simple but was so difficult to make sense of in my head!

Had more bloods today, next consult is in four weeks so think I'll get booked a hsg after that. Finally

Really hope we get a bfp here in the next month for one of us, we are due some good news x