10+ months TTC

[Kookie88]

I've just reached cycle 10 and I'm despairing. I've tried to stay focused and positive all this time but it's all gotten a bit much. Each month I've tried something new but nothing seems to be working. (This month is acupuncture month, last month was fertilitea month)!

I guess I just needed to vent I don't want to sound like a total debbie downer but today's been tough!

Chlo delighted to hear the scan was ok and symptoms are strong, hope you had a lovely holiday - I'm sure having had the bfp before meant it was a lovely one!

I'm avoiding any self medicating with supplements apart from big standard multivits because I took evening primrose one cycle just until ov and had bleeding and spotting mid cycle which I never have so it freaked me out!

Just booked fertility assessment at the bridge centre to do AMH and scan. Feeling ok about it. Just want to know is something obvious wrong. I'm so impatient now. Relaxing is tough!

Well I woke up today to a 0.3 temp rise so I might have ovulated. Happy valentines' day

Hey everyone, hope you're having a happy Friday. Am 9dpo so am in my totally ridiculous googling everything, hoping, trying not to hope cos I know I'll probably be disappointed, stupid phase. But I got my referral to the hospital so I feel simultaneously kinda positive but scared. I haven't even had any tests at the GP so I'm a bit surprised. Dropped off DPs little pot of (hopefully) swimmers on Thurs so it's all happening. My appt is end of March so bit of time yet. No idea what to expect - am hoping it's just a basic examination and chat, as so far nobody has even asked me anything beyond "do you have regular periods?".

Hope everyone else is doing well. Hi to all new people!

I'm doing surprisingly okay! I went to the dentist this morning which was horrible, but it's something I can tick off my list. I had been feeling extremely guilty that I hadn't finished all the dental work I needed doing because I know it's not recommended to have things like that done in pregnancy due to the teeth being more susceptible to damage or something. So actually my procrastination plus the procrastination of our future child in being made have matched up nicely. Perhaps that's what he/she was waiting for

Unfortunately we got rejected for the dog though and none of us feel particularly enthusiastic about looking for another one because we liked this one too much so that's on hold for a while until either we find one we like just as much or (less likely but possible) our living situation changes and we can take her. It would be useful for us to move to a bigger apartment or even house in light of TTC anyway. And even if we didn't have a baby the extra space would be useful I'm sure.

Awww, sorry bout the dog, Bertie. But well done on the dentist - not fun but a great thing to get sorted and off your mind.

I'm hoping the plus side of the waiting for us will be that our house might actually be finished, as we've been renovating it (actually, to be accurate, I have been renovating it!) for almost 3 years now and it is getting there at last. Just the kitchen to go now!

Today I'm having one of those days when my feelings on this are despair. I'm feeling so anxious this will never happen, I'm so sick of the disappointment and longing and lack of control and heartache. I know I need to be positive, I should stay calm and relax but I feel all the opposite. Its taking over my whole life. But I don't want to stop because I want another child so much, it's so important to me.

I'm feeling really down and anxious and horrible today. One week into two week wait and feeling this shit is generally a pms sign for me. Since I had my DD my pms is really horrendous. It makes the 2ww even more awful. Just worn out now. So much in life and in world to be happy and thankful for and I just can think about the thing I don't have, really feel guilty about that too. Ugh!! Why can't this just happen! Have tests booked and I feel it's a foregone conclusion that they'll say everything looks fine but this waiting will just go on and on.

Sorry to Be a massive downer but I just needed to write this down and get it out of my head. In a shitty place today x

cola it's all so crap isn't it? Can you distract yourself with anything?
Getting tests booked is a great step, I'm thinking of all this stuff as things to tick off in my journey to finally getting an outcome one way or another.

Hi can I join please, I haven't rtft yet but will do later after work. I am currently 10 dpo on cycle 10 and feel as if we have been ttc forever. I have just started spotting, AF is due between tomorrow and Thursday and I just know she is on her way again, I am completely fed up

Awww Cola I'm sorry you're feeling so crap. You're not alone and you shouldn't feel bad - what you're longing for is a totally normal thing to want. It's true that we should all value the good things in our lives, but that doesn't mean that it's not ok to feel sad about other stuff.

I'm just waiting for AF to arrive (I know she is on the way) and feeling pretty rubbish as well. Got my referral details through listing all the tests that may have to be done and just looking at them makes me feel sick. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to be a parent cos I'm so pathetic about these things. Even going to a hospital is enough to make me feel super anxious so I really hope they are patient at dealing with blubbering wrecks!

I hope you feel much better soon and are able to distract yourself as blackcherries says. I've found doing some work in the garden has helped me feel a bit better. I'm going to get a few new plants and do a couple of hanging baskets to brighten things up. At least it's something I can grow successfully!

How ru doing blackcherries?

Hope everyone else is doing ok too

Thanks ladies. It's just so good to be able to say it to people who understand cos I feel anyone else would be just like "cheer up!" But you get it!!

I've tried a few things to distract. Baking, exercise, work, stuff with and for DD, photography, travel planning - I just keep coming back to "and I'm still here waiting" and I feel sometimes like my heart will break. I'm not a dramatic person at all but this whole thing makes me feel like a major drama queen.

Today I have this lil twinge in my lower abdomen and I dearly want to believe it's implantation but like honestly who know wtf it is, I don't want to symptom spot but I seem to do it by default. I have a friend who tried for 8 years, lots of ivf, gave up and finally fell naturally after long having given up the idea of a baby and while that should make me feel better it makes me feel worse cos I think I can't wait that long. Omg I need to stop ruminating!!

Gardening sounds lovely in that something grows. I really like the idea of that. Perhaps I will try it out and see if it teaches me patience.

Thanks so much for listening & being lovely. Trying, you are being brave going for the tests & ultimately it is going to help us get there so don't feel bad about being scared. I'm not looking forward to the internal scan but I'll just try to do my yoga breathing and count to ten a lot. Sorry about AF and how boring and endless this process seems but we must be getting closer to babies. I keep trying to think that.

Blackcherries where are you at with things now? Xxx

I'm just sniffing my drugs every four hours! Got a couple of weeks yet before any serious IVF stuff happens.
The internal scans are absolutely fine (I found). I had an HSG which I was petrified about but it was also fine.
I'll admit, stuff like that is a bit easier since I had DS but hopefully should be fine for most people.

Loving the drug sniffing comment! You sound like you are in a good place starting ivf now and moving onto the next step closer. Will be rooting for you xxx

Internal scans are okay, the probe is very thin and for want of a better word "lubed" :P Concentrate on relaxing, you can ask them to go slowly too or stop and wait.

I am getting potential implantation signs today but also could be nothing as always of course.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today Cola. Sometimes you just have one of those days where it really gets to you. How are you getting on with the acupuncture? xx

I feel a lot better today - had acupuncture last night and it was nice, even the talking bit helps. I think honestly these major peaks in frustration and angst for me are hormonally driven. Nothing is different in my life today than it was yesterday but I feel so much better. Any fluctuation of hormones again will just send me off a cliff into emotional free fall. They say the acu helps balance hormones, so maybe that has made the difference overnight. Maybe when my progesterone peaks I go a bit out of whack. This is emotionally very tough but I'm a really calm, rational person and even major upset I can process and allow myself to feel it and still get on with life, but this is just beyond anything I can control, it's just like the emotions are behind the wheel and I'm locked in the trunk I'm so relieved I feel normal today - it's just a total lottery the week before AF for me.

Had cramps this evening then realised AF has arrived - 6 days early. I guess that explains the onslaught of emotion over last few days...
I just want some sense of progress or explanation or something. Tests are due to be between day 2 & 5 so going to have them this week hopefully. Ah this is a slow and uphill road!

It certainly is, Cola - hope you get your tests in and that's a step forward for you. My last two cycles have been shorter than normal too - maybe it is stress? Hope you have a good day :-)

Thank you trying - I reckon stress plays its part but mine seem so variable now I'm kinda hoping I get some answer - 27, 37, 31, 30, 35, 25, 27 so quite all over the place for me. I was one of those people that could time my period to the hour my cycle was so regular before I got preg first time. Got my tests Friday so delighted that's happening now that I've relocated my rational brain. Feels great to have it back Has AF arrived? Hoping not xx

ladies I'm sorry I've been in a self involved rut this last week, thanks for the support and hope you are all doing well!!

contentedcat welcome on board. It's bittersweet welcoming newcomers; sorry you're going through the slow agonising wait too but lovely to have another one of us connected and hopefully able to provide support, sympathy and even occasionally laughs - I've been shite on that front recently so sorry!!

bertie - I hope you did have impl cramps and not flipping period cramps like me. The upside of early period was it was too early for me to do any poas early testing so I avoided self inflicted bfn torture!

Soooooo question for ye all also...........how are ye keeping your sex lives from falling into the mundane and mechanical. With all the best intent, it can just get samey and after 14 months with so much focus on sex, have you found any good ways to keep it interesting / spontaneous? We are both very tired all the time so it can be hard to keep the spark going. If we were to purely wait til we both feel like it, could be once or twice a month only so we make a conscious effort not to be lazy and just go to sleep - but that means it feels more like "work". I always wonder how any parents that work full time and have a kid ever end up having more, massive achievement!!!!

AF got me on Monday, Cola, but thanks for asking. I'm alright, just got a horrible cold so am whinging about that instead of ttc this week!

I know what you mean about the whole sex life thing. I don't really have any great suggestions apart from being honest about it. We have good months and bad months - sometimes there are moments of genuine fun, but on the whole it is more "right, best get on with it". And we would barely have sex at all if we just did it when we felt like it. However, I do feel like this whole process has brought us closer and I feel like we've gone through the worst stage of awkwardness and now we are more able to laugh about the fact that we need to get another shot of swimmers in despite both being knackered and not especially up for it. I try really hard to see the funny side of ttc as there is true comedy gold hidden in there. I half want to write a book but I think "Inconceivable/Maybe Baby" probably already got there!

trying - bloomin colds, feel better soon! God you're right if we couldn't laugh about all this we would be in a bad way. I know just what you mean about the right let's get to it...my hub talks about "jizzing me up" hahaha Is there really a comedy book about ttc? I may line that up for the next 2ww

Hi ladies.

Been a bit pukey this morning which is very odd for me. DH knows me too well :o he says don't get excited! I am blaming him either way, it's ether his baby or his cooking...

About sex, we almost always do it on a Sunday morning as neither of us have to work and DS is occupied. It does tend to be DH initiating but I'm not averse to starting something myself. We didn't time it that well this month but I seem to have got over my hump of never going to happen and get quite enthusiastic when I think I'm fertile again now.

Cola - "Inconceivable" by Ben Elton, which was then made into the film "Maybe Baby". All very silly but some funny moments.

Bertie I hope it is real - fx for you!

I've done a test but BFN but it may be too early. Germany is terrible at pregnancy tests. Even the early response one I bought is only 20miu sensitive and it's made in china and awful. The only actual decent tests here are Clearblue and they take forever to show up positive! Humph. I think I will pick up a load of tests when I'm home over Easter.

Bertie, hope you're hanging in there! Didn't realise you were in Germany, how odd their early tests are crap. Would have thought women everywhere are just as impatient and want to test early so gap in the market definitely!

Just been and had scan & blood test. It was fine, not uncomfortable at all really. The sonographer took measurements and did counts of developing follicles. I have two cysts, one outside and one inside my left ovary. Not sure if they have had any impact on our ttc but have consultant in a fortnight so will find out more then. I was surprised I had cysts but dunno what I was expecting!

Having a few days off this week has been the best. It's motivating me to get promoted so I would get salary bump and be able to cut to three or four days a week. Would be so perfect. Life goal right there!!