10+ months TTC

[Kookie88]

I've just reached cycle 10 and I'm despairing. I've tried to stay focused and positive all this time but it's all gotten a bit much. Each month I've tried something new but nothing seems to be working. (This month is acupuncture month, last month was fertilitea month)!

I guess I just needed to vent I don't want to sound like a total debbie downer but today's been tough!

Flipping January. I'm so done waiting on this pregnancy to happen. Having a proper rant about it today in my head! I keep seeing Facebook memories of my daughter when she was tiny pop up and I am just aching for another baby. I know I'm lucky to have one already, and I am grateful for her every day - I am. But I physically ache with the want for another. I feel stressed and the negative emotional effects of eating less well over Christmas. And I'm so tired, just want to crawl into bed! Rah! I should be ovulating tomorrow but I feel like what's the point.

God I hate January. Every year I feel like it's the end of the world. I have made lots of nice plans etc but honestly I just want to go to bed and stay there. Hope everyone else is in better form!

Keep going, keep trying!
I know exactly what you mean. I've basically stopped believing it can happen since we got the low swimmer count diagnosis. It seems so unfair that we have this obstacle to conceive again when the first one was so easy (of course, most people would look appreciate that we were extremely lucky first time round, but I'm feeling sorry for myself).

I believe that each individual has their own worries, their own stresses, their own unhappiness. So what if you've got a DS or DD, pain is relative and no one here is going to judge you for wanting a second child.

You've got to believe guys, don't let those January blues eat away at you!!

I had my consultation with the gynaecologist. I'm going to have a HSG once my letter comes through so maybe I'll be one of those women who falls pregnant straight after.

Blackcherries im right there with you in a big ball of January, just trying to get some perspective! Like we have had babies so you'd think that means all good but still no second babies. Bah!

Skipper thank you. It just all gets a bit much sometimes! Never heard of the hsg but googled it and seem to be lots of ladies who fall after it so hoping you are one of them

Cola - apologies, remind me of your situ again? (I've been off the thread a long time) Are you having tests with the GP ATM.

Hang in there cola the January blues are hard! I hope you've bounced back a little. I don't have any children but I can imagine secondary infertility must be just as stressful and emotional.

I've had a crap start to the year, my grandma died and I got my period yesterday - tipping us over a year of trying. I'm really struggling at the moment with my emotions, very low and weepy a lot of the time.

Skipper sorry if I've asked this already.. did you have to ask for the HCG or put pressure on to get it? I keep feeling worried like I'll have a battle on my hands

Jam - hey no problem. Well I was ready for a fight as I desperately wanted a HSG but at my first consultation they went though all the preliminary results and said the only test left to do was a HSG - I didn't even have to bring it up. The gynaecologist even said that the HSG is the last test as it's more invasive and a last ditch attempt to find out what's wrong. And they have a staggering amount of patients who become pregnant after the HSG, even if the test reveals nothing. I'm not sure what your area will be like but I wouldn't be surprised if you are offered in on your first consultation too as the NHS tends to follow procedure wherever it's based.

Skipper, I am onto second month of bloods for progesterone, didn't get timing right last month, so waiting to ov (cd20 so should be today or tmw). All my other bloods normal, hubby had bloods with some small anomaly that shouldn't impact fertility and has SA next week. We are going for one shot only this month - going to dtd when we get positive opk. It only takes the one right I've been doing the yoga vids for fertility on YouTube and reckon I'll do the legs up the wall one after ah you need a sense of humour right!!

Jam so sorry about your grandma, I lost mine last year & it's awful xxx

Thanks skipper I really hope I have the same experience! Feeling frustrated that we have to wait until March. Might have a chat with DH about paying for HSG. We're in the midst of buying our first home so financially not the best timing by a long chalk.

Just checking in. I'm on CD6 after the witch got me. Feeling pretty fed up what with the whole January back to work thing and that, but am rallying round.

We've agreed this is our last cycle trying before we see GP (will be a year) so we are going to give it all we can. Am worried about going for tests because a) it's facing the idea that something might actually be wrong and b) I'm a total wuss about anything involving doctors, needles or hospitals so it makes me feel pretty anxious just thinking about it. I had therapy for this last year which did help but it's quite a while ago now so my confidence has dipped a bit. When I'm feeling rational I obviously know how daft this is, but in a low moment it does get me down. On the plus side hopefully this year will cure me of this fear one way or another!

Huge hugs to everyone battling the January crapness and waiting for results etc. I hope 2017 is the year we all get a BFP, and statistically speaking I'm sure that is very likely. This time next year we will probably all be cradling bumps or babies and have a whole new set of worries! xx

Trying what you said about January blues combined with AF just sums up my start to the year. Mine has had the added sadness of losing my Grandma. All in all, pretty dreadful.

We've just passed a year TTC and just been referred to the fertility unit, so I know what you mean about facing up to long term TTC and the fact it's not working. I really feel for you that you have added anxiety around this too. It's hard to overcome things like that so give yourself a massive pat on the back for making the progress you have.

Really hope you are right and this year we will be conceiving and finally putting all this TTC crap behind us. 🤞🏼💐

How does everyone on here feel about IVF?

I purposefully have avoided researching it for fear of what I may read - I may not need it after all. But a lady on another thread mentioned that on her first cycle, the drugs had her rolling around on the floor like a wounded animal. Really not what I wanted to hear...On the flip side I've also had someone tell me it's not as bad as perceived.

Hi Ladies,
I hope everyone is ok. I had a bit of time out from coming on here as haven't been feeling great about everything. Sorry in advance for the long post!! I've been wanting to write a post and have been lurking but haven't really felt like it up until today.

I had really got my hopes up that it was going to happen last month and then AF arrived on the 23rd Dec, just as my BF had her baby. I don't know what it was about the end of the year/ Christmas/ my birthday approaching (2nd Jan) but I just felt so gutted that it hadn't happened and really got myself into a state about it all and probably felt the worst I've ever felt since we started TTC.

For some reason, in my head, through the whole nightmare of TTC last year I thought that as long as it happened by the end of the year, it would be ok. I didn't want to feel completely consumed by it and feel so sad but how on earth do you not feel like that? I think I also started to feel scared that this is my reality now, feeling depressed and getting upset and it's not something that realistically is going to go away until we do get PG so it's like some kind of ongoing nightmare and I'm just so sick of feeling like that. I'm normally a very happy, bubbly person and very sociable but everyone around me is PG or has babies and it's so tiring to constantly have to put on a brave face when you want that so badly as well.

We did actually have a counselling session in between xmas and new year which really helped and I managed to think right come on, this is a new year, new start, I've got to be positive and not let this take over my life. When we did get PG before and I had a miscarriage, we weren't even thinking about it and the counsellor basically said obviously it's good to cut back on things and to try to give yourselves the best chance but you've also got to have a life and be yourself, otherwise you're just making yourself miserable which I totally agree with. Obviously we do want a baby but I need to be happy as well, that's the most important thing.

Anyway, I also arranged an appointment to see our consultant again to discuss DH sperm results and to see what are the options for us if we do need to take further steps and as some of you have said, it is very very daunting. I've been to her several times over the years about this and other things and always felt totally fine about it but I felt really anxious and worked up about this appointment as it's scary thinking what are we going to have to do, can we actually do anything, what is she going to say to me? I'd also spent the whole day with my BF and new baby and I just felt really crap that I left them and then had to go for this appointment that I really don't want to be going to in the first place.

The outcome was that nearly all of DH results are really good which is great but the morphology result is low which she said she sees day in day out and it's nothing to worry about it but if we want it, it does give her a reason to refer us for IVF. She said she could do it there and then if we wanted to but she would recommend waiting and seeing if it happens naturally as there isn't any reason why it can't. We agreed that we would give it another 3 months and then go back and see her and get referred, as the appointment will then likely take a few months anyway so at least we've got the ball rolling.

So we came away feeling positive and like we at least had a back up plan and some kind of idea about where we are headed on this journey that you have absolutely no control over. We said we'd carry on with the yoga (Which has been one of the only positive things about this whole TTC journey) and I'm also thinking about trying reflexology as have heard very good things about that as well and I'm a firm believer in any holistic therapy. I met up with my friend on Saturday whose PG with number 2 and felt completely fine and we spent Sunday with my BF and her DH and new baby again and I felt like we were back on track and then DH came home last night and his BF and fiancée are now PG.

I don't know what it is exactly about their news but again, it just completely floored me. They have only been trying for a few short months and I'm obviously happy for them but we are now the only ones in my DH's friendship group who are not PG or don't have any children and I just feel gutted that again, it's not us. Everyone around us keeps saying stay positive, it'll be you next but when it's everybody around you and not you yet again, how do you do that? That's now the 7th person in the last few months and it's just so hard and it doesn't get any easier. You build yourself up and think right I'm going to be positive and then that just completely shatters you again. We're meant to be going for dinner with them on Friday and I feel awful but I just don't think I can sit there again with yet another person and say how exciting, you must be so happy, what great news. I'm really pleased for them but I just want it so badly for us now. I also feel bad saying this but DH was completely gutted this time as it's someone close to him and I couldn't help but think now you know how I feel. I said imagine now having to throw a big party for him to celebrate how pleased you are that he's having a baby (I.e. a baby shower) and he was like god I can't even imagine how you would do that.

We've got other friends who are trying and I now think whose it going to be next and I just don't envisage it being us. My mum said I can't think like that but how can I not when it hasn't been us and we're now the last men standing so to speak? I know you've got to be positive and I've got to get my mindset back on track but seriously, this is the most testing, trying thing I've ever been through, as I know you all understand. My BF also keeps saying it's really important to visualise it and believe in it but I just don't know how I feel any more. I did believe it this time last year but as the time goes by, that becomes very very hard.

Sorry for the long post ladies, I just need to get it out and I know that everyone on this forum understands how hard this whole thing is xxx

London, I'm so sorry about your Grandma. What a tough time for you having all that stuff at once. I hope that you have some people close who you can be yourself with and share how you're feeling. Thanks for your kind words as well.

Skipper I know plenty of people who have been through IVF and not ended up rolling on the floor (though of course it can be tough in a million ways and I don't mean to belittle that person's awful experience) and I always find the danger in reading things online is that people who have fairly uneventful experiences rarely write about them so you tend to get more horror stories. In fact I don't think that's just online - it's just human nature to tell stories about more dramatic things, and I'm sure I've been guilty of it myself! I've avoided reading stuff as I know it would only stress me out as well. My plan is to avoid thinking about it until I actually get referred for it (obv hoping it doesn't come to that) and then try to stick to reading "official" advice and speak to a couple of friends who I think I can trust to be honest but possibly not too honest if you know what I mean!

Chlo I totally feel for you, it must be so difficult being so surrounded by all of that baby stuff. I think I'm quite lucky in that most of my friends have already had their kids and it kinda happened gradually rather than all at once. Reading your post though the really positive thing I noticed was how much you said "we", so it sounds like you and your DH are definitely in this together and communicating about it which has to be a good thing.

It's so hard when people say stuff like "relax" and "be positive" all the time. They mean well and they are right in a way, but on the other hand it can be quite irritating!

I've found planning fun things to do during the year ahead helpful. Obviously a month in Australia might not be a sensible plan when ttc, but I'm trying to make plans that are flexible or can be cancelled if I did get pregnant, as I found last year I kept putting things off which wasn't helpful and just highlighted the whole thing for me.

I hope you feel better soon, but be assured you're not alone in having low times and getting upset. Having counselling is a brave and sensible thing to do and I hope if I find myself struggling more I'll follow your lead.

I bloody love this forum. This morning I was feeling so sad and down about all this because it feels so UNFAIR to wait and others just fall. I've had friends - several - get pg and have their babies and their babies are now a few months old since we started. "It's not fair!" My heart tells me and it's right, it isn't, but that's bloody life!! But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt so much. Disappointment is just such a sickener and I feel like ugh I can't handle all this hamster on a wheel cycle after cycle of disappointment yet again. I wish I could turn off the stress but the best I can do is acknowledge it, breathe a bit, tell hubby and try not go mad. I had a cry in the shower and hubby hugged me lots.

So clo I'm sending you massive solidarity hugs, and all you other girls too. It feels like a tub of chocolate ice cream kind of night all round!!!

Thanks so much ladies. I knew that writing on here would help me but it's just taken me a while to feel strong enough this time to get it all out. I did also hope that it might help anyone else feeling the same way so I am glad that I did. When I read the posts on here, it's exactly how I feel and it really does help to know that you're not alone. As much as our DH's are there for us and family and friends, it is hard for them to understand exactly how we feel, unless they've been through this whole thing.

I totally agree with you Cola. It is so hard building yourself back up each time and constantly putting a brave face on it all and sometimes, you do get to that point where you think, no actually this is really bloody unfair now, our turn has definitely been and gone and someone up there needs to cut us a bit of bloody slack and give us a break! But I guess all you can do is just carry on and know that tomorrow you will feel better than today and just keep on going.

I also started feeling guilty because of everyone saying don't get stressed, it doesn't help, you've got to stay positive so then when you are feeling absolutely crap about the whole thing, you then feel really guilty and bad on top of all of that and start worrying that you're only making matters worse! But there comes a point where you can't beat yourself up over feeling a certain way and I think anyone would feel the same in the situation that us ladies are in.

I've decided to send our friends a message tonight saying congratulations etc but make an excuse later in the week so that we don't have to go out with them on Friday. As bad as I feel about it, I just can't face it at the moment and need a bit of time out from it all to just spend a bit of time with my family and DH I think. DH was going to tell his friend the truth but I don't want them to feel awkward about it or shit that it's upset us so I'd rather make an excuse and yes they'll probably guess the truth but I think that's better than going and feeling awful all night or telling them the truth.

Going back to the whole IVF scenario, I know of several people who have been through it and they have all had really positive experiences. When they do the egg collection, you are under anaesthetic and I think obviously it is fairly invasive and I'm sure that some people do find it more painful than others but every single person has said it's nothing compared to childbirth! I also totally agree that people come online when they've had a bad experience and it also depends on how people have written things. For instance, when I was googling about low morphology, people had written things like 'feel absolutely gutted, this now means IVF' etc so I got really worked up about our appointment on Friday and was all doom and gloom but actually, yes the consultant did say that with the result it would be an option that would be open to us but she also said I see people with this result day in day out and people who have 10 kids so please don't get obsessed with it so then I came away feeling relieved that we did have a back up plan so to speak and over the moon that she could sign us off for two free cycles if we needed it so I guess what I'm saying is that it's all about perspective xx

Chloe I've started and stopped about three replies to you today, you just sum up how I feel so well. And we are having a very similar experience - my DH has low morphology too and we've heard from several doctors and specialists that it means nothing and is not the reason we are not conceiving. How long have you been trying now?

Skipper the thought of going through IVF doesn't bother me too much. The things that scares me is it not working ☹️ There are no guarantees and I think I would be thinking Right we've had IVF now that means we will definitely be pregnant!

Hi all - long time lurker here, these boards have really helped me feel less alone in this crappy TTC journey! We are at the point now of making a doctors appointment and facing up to the fact that this doesn't look like it will be easy for us.

I just read your post chloe and I wanted to write to say how well you have summed up how I am feeling today! I honestly think this is the hardest thing I have been through, because unless we get pregnant it's only going to get harder! It is just exhausting putting a brave face on all the time. Last new year I was feeling really positive about the year ahead, this new year I just feel anxious and sad about what might lie ahead, I'm a different person.

AF showed today so I've spent all day at work trying not to cry, topped off by a (male) colleague who is expecting a baby in the summer asking me why I've been married for 5 years and don't have children yet. It amazes me that people think it's ok to ask such personal and insensitive questions, especially in the middle of an open plan office!

Hugs to you all

Kookie we all have moments like that, don't worry about venting that's what this place is for 🙂 It's incredibly tough, emotionally demanding, mind consuming and horribly frustrating. I feel like I've given the last year of my life to TTC and have nothing to show for it. At cycle 8-9 I had a real low point, realised I needed to do something and started a beginners pottery course - something I'd wanted to do for years. I would really recommend doing something for yourself that helps take your mind off it.

Also remember that each month you have about 25% chance of getting pregnant, so it's a shake of the dice. Some people take more goes than others.

I think around 85% of couples fall pregnant within the first year of trying too, so chances are it won't be much longer.

Fx crossed that we are not waiting much longer 💐💐💐

Oops I just read the first message of the thread!!

Hello sunshine, sorry you are having to join this thread too. Ugh people can be so insensitive asking questions like that?! So personal. I hope it helps you feel more in control making your appointment. It was not an easy step for me but definitely helped.

So nice to read the reply from all you ladies and to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I have been. As predicted, today I do feel a lot better but it's so tough when you're going through the darkest days xx

Totally agree London about doing something for yourself. I used to love pottery when I was a kid! Are you still doing it now? It must be quite nice to do something creative and have a bit of an output. This was something I discussed with the counsellor lady actually. I gave up my job at the end of August which I still believe was the right decision but I've gone from one extreme to the other and definitely suffered a bit of a loss of identity. She said you're a bit like a lady in waiting and I said yes that's exactly how I feel and she said being in limbo, as you are really when you're TTC, is the worst place to be for you mentally. I definitely don't want to go back to old job or working in London but I have always wanted my own clothes boutique so am looking into starting something small online for the moment. It's only early days but I do know that I can't just sit around waiting for it to happen or hang out every day with my friends who all have babies, as nice as it is to be able to have more time to spend with them.

We've been trying now for about 14 months. We had an early MC first month of not taking the pill and then nothing since. I was ok about it back then as it was totally unexpected and truth be told it probably was a bit early but it's hard now when you're soooo ready for it and it just isn't happening. What about you guys London? Have you been to see anyone about the low morphology?

With the IVF, I know in my heart that I'm not ready to go down that road yet and I think as it's so invasive and involved, it's something you need to go into 110% and also need to go into it thinking it will work. Right now, I'm still kind of hopeful it's going to happen and my head just isn't at the IVF stage whereas speaking to close friends, they have said that they totally knew it would work and were 110% sure about it when they went through it. Obviously you could say it's easy for them to say that when it was successful but I do know of several other people who haven't got that mindset and have given up and it just doesn't seem to be working. I think part of is the whole visualistation aspect. Has anyone looked into that? It's something I've heard quite a lot and something the counsellor discussed with me.

Sunshine - it's so hard when people ask you things like that. It makes you feel about this big . Obviously they've never been through this kind of thing so don't have any understanding of it but it still does seem incredibly ignorant of people to just ask outright, especially in the company of others. I've got a good friend who I used to work with who I still speak to most days and she always brings it up and it's hard but I have to remind myself she's a lot younger. To be honest, sometimes there's nothing anyone can say that is right and I know that I'm extremely sensitive about it all. It was actually quite nice yesterday as my friend who went through it for 2.5years and had IVF just said to me mate, it's the shittest thing ever and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but you will feel better and you will get there. It was nice for someone to actually agree that it's pretty shit and acknowledge how I was feeling rather than everyone keep saying don't worry, chin up etc as they mean well but it's quite draining to constantly hear that.

How are you getting on with your diet and everything Cola? Sorry to hear that you've also been feeling shitty about the whole thing. I really hope we all get there soon and then we can put this behind us.

On another note, I'm going for a reflexology session on Thursday. It's something a few people have recommended to me so thought I would give it a go. I feel like I'll try anything at the moment lol. Will let you all know how it goes xxx

Chlo I don't know if you've any interest in it but two years ago I took up photography as a hobby and I swear it's so lovely, would be a great way to pass some time and maybe a business op too? If you like it of course The fashion and business idea sounds fab and you're right, waiting without something to occupy your mind is torture so I definitely think the venture is a great plan!

My diet is still really good. I'm feeling ace physically from the diet and exercise. And they've helped mentally and emotionally to a large extent. Not enough to cancel out Jan blues but I'm so much better than this time last year. I'm really glad of that as my ttc silver lining! A weird side effect though is my cycles seems to have extended to 32-35 days now and I'm ovulating cd20-22. So there is definitely a noticeable impact!! My cycles had been very short when I was stressed with work which was concerning me (25 days) but much longer now.

I know what you mean about putting off ivf until completely ready, I feel same and think it will happen soon if I just stick with it. Ah to have patience!

Hello sunshine and welcome! Great to see you've de-lurked Best of luck to you xx

I started yoga videos and I'm loving it so going to keep those up and try find a yea relaxation course. Anyone done yoga nidra?

Just saying hi, I'm on cycle 31 :-/ but I wasn't actively trying which still gives me some hope I'm not infertile, off for my day 21 blood test tomorrow

Hi chlo I am still doing pottery, I love it. It's three hours a week of just pure creativity focus and me time. I don't think about TTC there at all. It's probably the only good thing that's come out of this journey. That and having more DTD with DH. We have been together a long time and had got a bit lazy on that front.

RE. the low morphology, he's had two semen analysis tests done and they both came back with a high count, good motility but both 2% morphology. The test we did privately came back from the clinic with one line 'We recommend IVF with ICSI', which freaked us both out. The GP however seemed unconcerned and said it shouldn't make any difference, with his count and everything else good. My best mate is an obstetrician and has asked some of her colleagues about it too - who both separately said yes they should conceive naturally / this isn't a problem. At cycle 14 I can't help but think it is making a difference though. I googled A LOT and put DH on proxeed - a supplement designed to improve sperm quality. I've seen it recommended in lots of places. He is also trying to drink less alcohol and coffee, avoids tight underwear and hot showers / saunas. He has another SA in a few weeks and I am really hoping we will see an improvement in morphology.

We have been referred to the fertility unit as mentioned and our first appointment is 2 March. I'm hoping they will refer me for HSG.

Hope you enjoy your reflexology today!

cola that's great you are feeling the benefits of changing your diet and exercising. Like you say it's good to feel there are some benefits to TTC, even when we are just desperate to be pregnant really. Photography sounds great, it really is so helpful having something you do for yourself.