It'll never happen, and even if it does, something will go wrong. Hut of Doom part deux

[duchesse]

There wasn't any more room for moaning with all those grinny smilies's eyes following me around the room.

Suspected (my own self-diagnosis) perimenopause, anyone?

Hear hear, Beansprout!

Sorry, felt so sorry for myself I just buggered off and drank actual real alcohol. But thanks for the sympathy, this really is the place to come.

I was actually thinking of installing vodka on tap in here. Perhaps we'd best wait until we move though, eh? Wouldn't want to push the boat out...

Absolutely. Are you going to move the sofa as well? Or do we get new ones?
OK now feel like sh!t this morning. Snotty, tired due to poor nights sleep and feel sick.
I will have to force myself into work cause can't be off atm due to major staff shortage. But I'll think I'll make excuses with regards to the meetings I'm supposed to be in this morning.
Who else seconds the Boomtown Rats??

Sorry to reply to my own post, but I think that using a sceptical emoticon for a bfp would be quite good. It would certainly confuse the chirpy, bd-ing babydusters. If I ever get the chance, I think I might just do it!!

We may need a new sofa as I think there may be too much blood, sweat and tears on the old one. I don't actually drink in RL but have no objections to a virtual vodka tap, as long as we can have a few lines of coke from time to time?

Beansprout, were you born in Feb, March or April? Just wondering cos according to Catbaby's list those are the birth months most likely to result in people suffering schizophrenia (sp?) and what with you talking to yourself and all.....

Grrrrr, so many happy people around. Bloke at works wife has had a baby boy this morning and my cousins wife has had a baby girl this morning, and it just makes me think of that lovely baby smell, and how much you just want to "squidge" little new borns. In fact, I really rather feel like crying...

I am feeling so low today. I had my period over the weekend, and I now feel that conceiving is impossible. I just feel like everything is stacked against me. The difficulty of timing and trekking over to inseminate is exhausting and stressful, and I don't know how much longer I can carry on with it. Last month I couldn't even bring myself to do a second, which I knew at the time I should have really, although talked myself out of it because cm had dried up. And now I'm really anxious because my signs have all changed: I used to get really sore boobs on t he run up to my period, and didn't have this last month, the month before was annovulatory, and I can't remember the month before that clearly, but I think that was weird too. And I gave up doing OPKs because I was never getting a positive line. And I'm starting to worry about my period only really lasting a day. I need a liner a day either side, but only use proper protection for one day, occassionally two. So perhaps I'm really just not fertile at all.

As I've gone along I've managed to reconcile each of these things individually. Bodies change, perhaps the cheapo sticks I have are rubbish, my friend got pregnant with even lighter periods etc. But today all these things are really heavy on my, and I feel absolutely depairing. I am very down, just a big sobbing mess. I just don't know what to do - should I give up? Dp can try again in a few months, but she's just about to start a new job so can't yet. Frankly, I'd be relieved to be told there was zero chance of me ever concieving so I can just stop and get on with being non-bio mummy to ds and any more that dp can give us. I can get over not having been pg, but we both really want more children now, and siblings for ds.

OK, getting into slightly hysterical wittering now, so I'll stop. I just don't know whether to carry on with this failure: I feel it's taking over everything, and breaking me apart.

feedmenow, sorry to hear you're down too x

Well I'm feeling worse now, bad cough, headache, feeling very nauseous and I had to evacuate everyone off site for a f*ing false fire alarm when it is drizzling with way.
Told dh can't go out tonight, as we had planned, just want to go home and go to bed. Evil dh made me help him paint the bedroom and the downstairs bog, so now got sore muscles in thighs as wel from stretching into awkward positions to do the down stairs big .
Can we have a Bailey's tap as well as a Vodka tap?
An a bottomless tub of Walker's Sensations?

Hi LL. It is hard to know where the line is, because each month there's the possibility that I might be yet saved! Dp is finding it really hard too. She would really like to have a little Impatience, and to witness my pregnancy, but also would like this miserable trudge to be over. We have also started tentatively to talk about adoption. For me it's not really an issue, because I love ds so much with no blood link, and would love to have the relationship I have with ds with other children. So for me to have more kids via dp or via adoption would just be great. And I'm positive and excited by these options! (Perhaps because the trek down those routes hasn't yet started...)

But it's really hard to know when to stop TTC. I'm miserable as all sin today, but next week might feel a bit more relaxed about it, so decide to try again, and then I'm set up for another 2ww chipping away at my sanity.

It's times like this I want some magic test to tell me whether to keep going or not. Perhaps an actual medical test that says No Chance. But the prelim tests I've had say No Obvious Problem, which doesn't help.

I have just phoned and made an appointment to see the GP again. My annual fertility appointment... At least I can try a month of OPKs and obsessive charting and see whether they tally with hormone ovulation tests. Bloody hell.

So sorry you are feeling down impatience - I know what you mean about shortening periods - mine have gotten a bit shorter also - at first I was relieved cos much easier - but now it worries me a little - what freaks we are - wishing for horrific heavy periods?!

OK - I really have very little knowledge of this, but if your fertility is dropping a bit could you possibly go down IVF route with egg from your DP? I may be talking out of my bum- so feel free to tell me to shut up!

Impatience, thanks for your kind thoughts, and they are coming back your way 10 times as strong cos it sounds like you need them.....

Thanks for all the kindnesses. They do help. You know, until about 6months ago I thought online forums were for saddos who didn't have any real life friends... I apologise a millionfold for underestimating how valuable they are!

LL, it's refreshing to hear your views on adoption. If only the actual procedure wasn't such a complete trauma!

Dp has been raising the subject of IVF and/or IUI for months now, only to be thoroughly snapped at (poor dp). I had a complete certainty that I did not want anything like that. But perhaps I'm starting to change my mind... I'm not sure, still don't want to but perhaps am not quite so set against. Potentially would produce a child faster than adoption! Given that dp got pg first shot, I think she's our best bet. Actually, for ages I've wanted her to try while I keep going, to increase our chances and take the focus off me. But she wasn't yet ready, and now is about to start new job. But perhaps this will happen in a few months.

Perhaps you're right that I need to get various balls rolling. I don't believe that it'll make me get pg, but it at least opens the doors for alternative routes. I know we won't get NHS assistance (because we're gay, and because we have ds) and as two public-sector workers (one PT) we can't afford to go private. But I may at least get some tests done. You never know, I might even get given my No Chance and then I can just give up, and get my life back! How bizarre to be wishing for that...

Seaside: you're not the first person to suggest that! If I DO go down IVF route, I'll give my own eggs a shot. If we're going to use dp's eggs, we might as well save a fortune and intervention and use her whole body! She did such a good job the first time. I'm very lucky to have her. Ironic, huh? We always assumed the lack of sperm in our relationship would mean we couldn't have children. But if I was straight I'd be far worse off!

Thanks FMN x

Saddo with no rl friends - didn't realise you knew me that well .

We also have "No Obvious Problem" after all the usual tests, in fact all results were very good for such old gits! Got pregnany pretty much immediately first time round, but circumstances were so so different, but it's been a year now and no joy.

I'm hoping the fact we have a referral to the specialists will magically make me pregnant, but also psyching myself up for more months of waiting.

It is crap though, those first few days when your period starts. I wanted to retire to bed for a week and just cry.

Sorry it's so hard at the moment Impatience. Please keep posting, the hut is here to help

I read somewhere once that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and for me, that's what makes this so hard. My rational side tells me to stop doing something that upsets me so much (my ftc) and yet, hope springs eternal every month, and so it goes on. And on. And on.

Thanks guys. Beansprout, that makes sense, and what might be said to someone with a gambling problem.

Dp and I just had a long major chat. I'm now exhausted and going to collapse in bed in a min. (Hmm, 'working from home'...) I think we're going to stop me trying soon. Perhaps another small number of months, perhaps try IVF once, and then close the book. Then she'll try. Of course, whether or not she'll conceive we don't know, so might still be on here in years to come! I feel absolutely deflated, but calmer, although whether that's relief, exhaustion (because I was big boo-hoo hysteria crying) or just plain depression I'm not sure. What I want more than anything is to just get pregnant, in fact to discover that this wasn't my period and that I am actually pregnant now. And I don't want to give up the possibility that one day I will be pregnant, and that I will be at the epicentre of the intensity of birth and early-baby-days. But much more than that I want to get on with getting our other children here, however that might be, and stopping flogging this dead horse.

Lovely, have now stopped to thinking of myself as glue material. Fabulous. Off to reboot.

stooped, not stopped

stopping now x

Are we moving? I hope someone leaves a forwarding address for me. Hoot of Doomliness III?

Wee stix turn out to be very, er, fragile instruments, don't they? I'm sure if this was a 'man' thing they'd sell stuff at Boots that said in neon 2 foot high letters, 'NO BLUMIN' CHANCE' TODAY, ME OLD SON' and / or 'GET AT IT, NOOOOOW'.

I'm currently living in a wonderful world of 'possibility', if you know what I mean. I've been reading about the power of intention and the scientific evidence to support the physical effect on 'other objects' that thoughts can have. So, obv. I am now practising positive affirmations of my intentions to become a mother.
(The Intention Experiment, Lynne McTaggart).

Altogether now.........

Ommmmmmmmmm

lol at your theory of man pee stix. They would also be something that you stuck to a wall so they could see how high they could pee / get in some target practice as well methinks

I was thinking as I went home today that we should have an igloo of doom, to match the frosty weather and frosty moods...
I have definitely entered the black pit of despair, just found out that one of my friends is pg, she knew the weekend after my m/c
I'm very happy for her of course, but I feel like such a failure.
I'll just go off in feed myself vodka intravenously...
Impatience, keep ranting away in here, I hope everything works out for you and your dp.

Hi, I hope you don't mind me joining.

I have a DS (6.11). Fell preg with him with out even trying! Me and DH have been trying for 4 years - nothing not a glimpse. Had all the scans etc - nothing the matter.

However, now I am 16 days late and guess what - a bloody big fat negative - 4 times over.

Got all the symptoms - sick, boobs etc etc.

Shit isn't it

Welcome Jhyesmum to the hut of doom and gloom all negative thoughts are gratefully received in here and chewed over....along with free virtual drinks to ease our way!

Catbaby, think your drip needs changing - are you staying on the vodka????

I've been hovering outside the hut for a week or so - got really nippy so popped in for a warm if you don't mind . Today has been a crap day, boss shouting at me for no apparent reason and DP still has sore bollock!! DP mother also died last week so he is feeling pretty rough and we've had no BDing for the last 6 weeks (seems like forever - well two missed cycles now anyway ). He's got another appointment with GP (5th appointment and 3rd GP in practice)cos we are getting really scared! Im due to start IVF cycle on 28th Feb...so he will be required to "perform" pretty soon ...and what if - this is my last year of TTC cos now 44 and IVF is last chance salon at even then a sad 1% chance and now this - is this fate??? or just a sad coincidence?? what do you guys think? So really down today...
Impatience, sorry to hear your story too. At Bourn Hall Cambridge they reduce the cost of IVF significantly if the person gives them some donor eggs - just wondering if you and your DP had considered this to help fund your own treatment??
LL - we too had thought of adoption but cos Im 44 and DP is older they will now only consider 4 yrs + kiddies for us as they dont like more than a 40 yr gap between kiddie and Adult - something that everyone failed to tell us 5 yrs ago...which I think may have helped us to focus our minds more and push for faster treatment/ consider Adoption. Check with your local authority justincase they have anyother strange "policies". So we have now ruled out adoption as we really wanted a kiddie ideally under 2yrs.
Nightmare for us FTC don't you think ?
Pass the bottle Impatience....
Duchess - if you guys move on -please, please leave forwarding address cos when I go into the 2WW after IVF I will need some serious virtual drink and chat...

oh late night owl. can I join you for a virtual martini?

I'm hovering at the door at the moment but its pretty cold so I shall come in properly. My moans relativley minor. ust been arguain with DP. All because I'm gettign on his nerves with my cough. Admittedly he is working madly hard at work and is petrified at catching this bug. But I think he has a crap attitude. I'd hoped to do another BD this eve but what is the point!..