Thread for the down at heart and lacking in optimism

[duchesse]

I probably shouldn't do this, but...lovely though the ladies on my current ttc threads are, there are times when I feel I need a break from the upbeat atmosphere.

My story- 38, going on 39, three children easily conceived in my 20s, ttc number 4 for 3 years before finally achieving a pregnancy that ended in foetal death at 12 weeks and miscarriage at 13 weeks (Oct 2006).

Frequent lapses of hope. I simply can no longer believe that it will all be OK, that this month will be the one.

Now contemplating stopping trying.

I need some jinxing help from you ladies who will understand. I am usually a fairly reliable 28-day girl. Today is day 38 and no sign of my period. Done about a million tests, all neg. Also no other signs except general fatigue, but then I'm working my socks off and sleep badly.

Of course anyone who hadn't had all the positivity drained out of them through repeated FTC (read Failure to conceive) would say excited things like Oohh you could be pg! I don't think I am. My cycle was weird this month: I started getting cm really early, and insem'd a few times but then had to go away and carried on having cm for about a week. I have no idea when/if I ov'd and typically this is the one month when I don't have full temp history because of travelling/being poorly/not sleeping etc.

So I might be pg. If so, it'll now be over 3 weeks since ov. Or I might not have ov'd at all or ov'd too late for my inseminations to work, so I'm just waiting for my cycle to end so I can get on with the next one.

I'm getting very fed up waiting, and there are little bits of hope that keep creeping up and poking me in the eye. Also I have drunk soooo much this month, so this just bloody well would be the month I conceived... The suspense is doing my head in.

So please jinx me. Can we please pretend that we all think I'm pg, so that my period will then start? Thanks!

An august baby - how lovely!!! Is that enough of a jinx?? Try talking about baby names - hey that was enough of a jinx to give me an ectopic...so NO don't start talking about baby names!!!

Impatience - you're pregnant, you're pregnant, you're pregnant. There that should do it!!

cedar12 - my dd is the same age and also keeps asking for a sister

I was lying in bed this morning, having always believed I had a 28 day cycle, and it finally dawned on me that I have a 26 day one usually. I always count 3 weeks from last day of period and that's when the next one starts.

How many bloody years has it taken me to work that out? Bloody hell .

Not sure what to do about it though.

Do I win the "most stupid of the day" prize?

OK, Miriam says EDD 8 September. Shall I put in my diary? I'll keep you posted. Am actually feeling a bit crampy now, although that could be my enormous hangover, because I ache all over ... So if I start bleeding you'll be the first to know, my understanding buddies.

I say it again: Thank God (ok, Duchesse) for this thread!

Duchesse - drs are pants, there's no two ways about it. I mean, really

Impatience - I soooo know how you feel!!! I had this last month - I was a few days late, and I just wanted someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery so I could move on. And lo and behold, AF turned up and did just that. Bah, humbug.

Hello to all you other fellow curmudgeonly ones

Impatience!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!! You see, all you needed to do was relax!!!!!!!!!!!! It happened to my best friend's husband's sister's next-door neighbour's cousin's dog, so it will happen for you too!!!!!!!!!! What d'you reckon One of each?? A pink bean and a blue bean??? Or maybe TRIPLETS!!!!!!!

That should do it. Best go shopping for tampons now, eh?

Good work guys, keep it up, I think it's working

Ah, this seems to be just the threat for me!
May I introduce myself (some of you already know me from the TTC thread which I leave herewith officially): m/c and 1st ERPC in Sep, no period, 2nd ERPC in Dec, no period,
which makes it 4 months since m/c and no period.... Want to get back to normal; gynacologist says there is absolutely nothing he can do for me (oh, BTW I am not pg). Impatience I join you in your wait but am sure you will beat me :-) Will see GP on Wed, no hopes that they will take any action.
A toast to us!

Evening all...

Welcome d4phne, sounds like a nightmare situation. Cant they give you some hormones to kick start your system off again...

Impatience - Many congratulations!!!! Like Dutchesse said the Dog did it, so we should all be able too...

Dutchesse, Doctors are shocking sometimes... Why do they not listen to us? My take on it is that if you add up all the symptoms an expert will probably be able to tell you what's wrong..but they never refer until the last possible chance...it's all money!

Oh and by the way Impatience, if it is triplets, can I have one.... (I'm nice really!)

Ok... I started reading from the top of this thread and saw someone congratulate Impatience, and well I almost cried with joy, then I realised that we are trying to jinx her... so had to come back to earth with a bump!! DARN DARN DARN DARN!! Keep us posted Impatience please!!!

I am feeling like utter crap today, and I know that I don't deserve any hugs from the hut of gloom, because it is partly my fault that there is a hut at all - what with my persistent optimism, that annoys the hell out of you all ... but I just feel SO despondent today, lots of tears and fear that it will never happen.

Rant over.

Me - again.... I am so fed up...

I just went for a scan as part of the investigation into losing my last pregnancy. He said he found a small abnormality with my uterus (but nothing that would cause such a late M/C) and he said I have got PCO. He said it is not bad PCO's, but sufficient to effect my fertility.

I'm Pissed off, as we went through the CRM clinic prior to Bertie to conceive, as been trying for ages and they said it was not a problem, just borderline.

This specialist has said that although I'm on CD19, I have still not ovulated (so much for my other theories previously this month) and I have only developed one egg that is worthy of anything. But on a positive note he has told me I should ovulate in the next 24hrs, BD tonight then!

He has said that I should be able to conceive , but it may take quite a bit longer than average... I think we had our wait and then look what happened. He also said PCO makes it hard to establish when you are ovulating and can mean higher risk of miscarriage.

He is writing to the consultant at CRM and advising Clomid, has anyone else been on this? Is my wait going to be forever? I can't handle much more...

Although I'm not optimistic, I keep getting my hopes up.. I even thought maybe I would go today and he would see a pregnancy on the screen and my prays had been answered... I cried all the way home.

Hi Ready ... I just missed your post...

We can be sad and gloomy together...

Plus I will just keep posting like a loony to get all my feeling out!

hi all..... Congratulations Impatience!!! ((any sign of the witch yet?!) Just so you know you arent on your on with the miserableness of FTC (i love it! new acronym, should be on the mn list!) since i had my ovarian drilling i have been having cycles of around 30-34 days. Just cause i am now used to this fact and arent expecting any other, af decides to appear today - day 23!!!! Now whats that all about? Just to f*ck me up good and proper i think - just my bodys way of saying, "look you arent gonna get pregnant before april, just get over it, and for good measure , i can do what i damn well want, WHEN i want!" Just when i was being all positive, healthy eating and was actually at the gym!! That'll teach me!

Oh rahrah, I am so sorry. You see, when I read posts from people in your situation it makes me feel so guilty. Fingers crossed for you. All the best.

I really haven't been trying long enough to feel like this. That is why I am so optimistic I think. I beat myself to death with the optimism mantra that it will all be fine!!

I would hate to think what I would be like if I experience any real problems.

so sorry rahrah and ready, i cross-posted.
((hugs to all)))
we are officially allowed to be as miserable as possible in the hut and just because we feel down doesnt mean we dont deserve a bit of sympathy. Its the hut , not a prison. We are here because we need to be.
Drink anyone??? i find tequila slammers to be particularly numbing.

x posts...

that is so annoying on day 23!!!!!

I don't drink alcohol (not cos of ttc, just through choice) so will have to pass on the slammer.... starting to wonder if I should just get hammered and see if that helps me relax??

by the way rahrah, i have also been diagnosed pcos. I am hoping that if i am not prg by next gyny appt they will look at prescribing clomid for me also. pcos does mess with your cycles, apart from bloods there is virtually no way of being able to tell if ovulation is occuring or when. I just figure we are bd every other day, so i cant be ovulating otherwise something would have happened by now.
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time.
I understand how hard it is when the scans dont tell you what you want to hear. My sis has been through several ivfs and the follicles growing, eggs maturing, embryos developing, it is all so hugely important each time scanned/checked, but also devastating if something is not quite going smoothly.
xx

I drink like a gudden...line the slammers up...

ready........slammers are virtual only!!!! i am also alcohol free - read down the thread and there have been numerous virtual drinks parties and even a virtual spliff at one point!
We are all clean living girls here

well in that case I will have 2!!!!

so do either of you ladies go on the "positve ttc" threads? i just cant face them any more which makes me feel a bit sad and shallow. I dont even lurk on them. I feel a bit, well, "whats the point?" do you both have secret postive alter-egos?

Thanks pussycatmomma. Hows your sister, has she had any success? (I really hope so)
Its not bad PCO (which make a big difference), so I should be able to conceive naturally (well I have twice before within 9 years)... But my bio clock is ticking (nearly 32) and cant wait years and years and then what if I M/C again? He has recommended Clomid to heighten my fertility... So hopefully that might give the buggers a kick start.

I was under the reproductive clinic for over 6 months and had been trying for a yr previously, but they don't do anything regularly. They never advised when I was ovulating etc..

Hi rahrah... sadly my sister hasnt had success yet. She did concieve with her very first ivf cycle but the pregnancy was ectopic , she only found this out when she miscarried at 7wks. Twas all a bit horrendous to be honest. She had both tubes removed before this, so she knew ivf was only chance, but then embryo implanted on the scar tissue where tube was removed, hence ectopic. She is undergoing her 5th cycle right now.

Im positive but in a destructive way.... I convince myself something is happening, or I might just be pregnant and then reality hits..plus I always know logically that it is not going to happen....but get carried away,,, So yes sometimes I do lurk' (like a flasher) to see what its like... I even go on the pregnancy threads and on the ante natal thread for Feb, for my EDD. I can't help it