The BESH are cheating on Luck with Irony, all Hags aboard for the ironiclusterdiff of the decade (for the B's and the none B's!)

[Blue2014]

You know the drill by now ...

Rules of Entry - must be over 30, TTC no. 1 for over a year, be suitably evil and Hag like, willing to shout Cunt at the moon on regular occasions, consume extra gin when our fellow hags are unable to, and to get the nipple tassles out for any successful Hag ...

No admittance without a complete BESHtionnaire - see below.

Ah, I was never a nice person, I was born Hag like

It's shit Erica, it just really truly is. You are allowed to hate all differs (they don't even have to be instadiffers at this point!) it's all very unfair.

Sup BESH team? Well, I've just caught up so I know what's up. Shit is what's up. Erica hag I'm so sorry about your MC. Just crap. No words can make you feel better, but I am sorry. On anti depressants - yes I've taken them in the past for anxiety and they're good at making you numb-but-don't-care-about-anything numb (vs so-sad-about-this-all-feel-utterly-empty-and-numb-no-wait-I'm-sobbing-again numb). Not sure what their impact is on ttc stuff; I was going to ask my GP for them a fortnight ago but the day I made GP appt I got the call for pre-start up IVF meeting. So I bottled it as I didn't want to have to admit it to the clinic. It's worth asking the question though.

Barking God 77 days. Awful. Glad droid arrived and good luck with the cycle. Don't forget you ironidiffed when stressed to high fuck, so don't stress about being stressed so to speak...

Blue with you on the first ever IVF go (and isn't it just so depressing that we automatically think 'first' because as if there won't be rounds and rounds, loads of debt... Agh) 3 and a bit weeks til stabbing - will be a relief in some way to get it underway. At least a further step along the road to resolution one way or the other?

We had pre start up meeting today. Long protocol, won't be able to start til April as period due when we're away on hol. So likely to do EC/ET in early May. Back on metformin, too. Consultant obsessed with insulin resistance and my pcos. Boooo back on dull low sugar diet of boredom and doom. Lunch was boiled eggs, avocado, spinach and a "naughty" apple. Woe betide!

glad, well obv not, ah whatever you know what I mean the BESH are limping along. No real new blood, but there are plenty of others in the same place. Am on a board over in infertility where the women are BESH in all but name. We're everywhere but nowhere. Odd, childless women, who just don't count.

Hey Icy!

Interesting about the antidepressants. That is what my therapist said, that it is not like I am going to feel fine, just less like I want to jump off a bridge (slight exaggeration but you know what I mean) but still sad. I will discuss with the consultant and see what she suggests.

Looks like we are looking at similar dates for IVF. And yes, aI also think about it as "the first try".

"We're everywhere but nowhere. Odd, childless women, who just don't count." This is so spot on. Recently, talking to a friend, we figured out that out of 18 girls in our class in school, at least 3 we knew of had fertility issues and had conceived through IVF. That is 1 in 6, which I think is actually pretty representative.

Look Lovely Hags cycling at the same time no one mention that bastard hope!

IVF drucks are fucking expensive!! There goes £1000 ...

blue Even worse than spending £1000 on IVF drugs is having to buy half of them again as you got a bfp half way through and used up all the clexane, progesterone, intralipids & prednisolone trying to keep the baby alive and it died anyway .

erica 1 in 6 is more than most people admit to. A colleague at work saw a list of baby names open on my computer (work related, looking at most popular names in various countries). She asked if I had a secret I wanted to share and smiled and patted her belly. After I recovered from the hideousness of her twee way of putting it, I said no and explained the reason for the names. She repeated her smile, the patting of the stomach and the question of whether I was sure I didn't have a happy secret to share.
I told her I'd been trying for 5 years and I'd had 3 miscarriages, there were no happy secrets here.
.

icy hello hag. I asked the consultant if I could take metformin on the basis of a history of recurrent miscarriage, irregular cycles, late ovulation and acne caused by high testosterone. He said no, as I didn't have a diagnosis of pcos.

Barking, you have every right to be bitter - it's fucking shit and unfair. And your colleague is a noisy cunt individual - man, who ASKS things like that?!

Barking Your colleague sounds like a dick. And prissy and twee and really, shut the fuck up, annoying person.

Saw my IVF consultant yesterday. She did an ultrasound and said that my uterus seems to have recovered fine but also recommended I wait a couple of months before we start IVF. She also said (after taking a good, looong look at my insides) that she doubts the droid will show anytime soon so impossible to think about dates. We are going to do some more tests for the rmc and she also agreed to put me on all the drugs if I get diffed again. Generally made me feel like she knew what she was talking about so felt better after seeing her (specially after she confirmed that my uterus had not fallen out/dissappeared etc).

I am going to try and look at this as "time off" instead of "more fucking waiting".

So I went out with friends last night (or childless, either because of lack of partner or fertility issues), we drank wine, bitched about perfect mumsy types and had a great time.

Barking can you get your GP to give you a glucose tolerance test? Go in with "diabetes symptoms" and get them to check your insulin resistance. And fuck me, FUCK your colleague. Seriously. I hope she felt horrific once you'd told her. Cunt.

I've been awful on diet/sugar front. Was good for ONE DAY. Had 2 biscuits and wine the next day and then a work dinner last night. With muchos wine. Then 2 glasses after work today, bitching about the boss. hamgover today so diet awful. Someone had cupcakes. I don't even like cupcakes. Blame the wine. Bloody alcoholic.

Got my OH a Vday card that says "YOU MAKE MY MINGE TWINGE"
Romance.

Icy that card sounds ACE!!

We are moving houses. Barking and Blue, I am following your steps, hags!!!

Icy brilliant card! I've sort of given up now. It's not like I haven't already got a long list of possible reasons for the ivf failure/ miscarriages that may or may not be addressed by all the drugs they're already giving me. Just want to get it all done with now. Intralipid drip on Friday, injections start next Sunday. Here we go again.
Going to start packing bits. It'll make it less painful when we do finally get to move. Why does moving house have to be so much of a pain in the arse? Why do people make it so fucking difficult?!

Today I thought I would finally get out on the bike. Been injured for the last three weeks, and come next week I'll probably be reserving energy for ivf and stopping the exercise (other than swimming) so today is my last opportunity until after this shit is over. But I appear to have thrush, and sitting on a saddle is just misery. So that put paid to that idea.

Erica a bitching session with fellow barren hags sounds like bliss

Hello hags. Sorry I've been awol, but real life goes from bad to worse, MrC is depressed. I don't even know if I've been on here and told you, so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

He's got himself referred for counselling through his work private healthcare but don't know when his first session will be. Apparently it's not ttc related (ha! ), in fact there's no particular reason really, he's just depressed.

I don't know how to deal with it because when I ask him if he wants to talk he says there's nothing to talk about. So our relationship is great right now. No sex, and when he suggests making plans I don't want to do them in case he has an "episode" while we're out again.. Fuck life.

erica, your barren bitching session sounds great, I wish I had someone to do that with () but alas, my friends are all either already parents or not interested in having kids ever. My friend who got married in September told me she was pregnant yesterday, but it's ok, they have been trying ever since the wedding. It was everything I had in me to not burst into tears. My other friend (who doesn't know but must suspect) changed the subject pretty quickly so I love her for that.
I'm glad your appointment went well and your consultant sounds great, must be a bit of a relief I guess.

icy, good that you've got a date, but shit about the diet they reckon I'm borderline pcos but they've never said anything about diet... I don't care at this point anyway, fuck it. Also, excellent v day card choice.

barking your colleague sounds a right twat, your reaction was spot on though, well done. Sorry you had to receive that bollocks but well done all the same.

blue how are you hag? I'm on the desktop site on my phone and I can't go back a page without losing my text

Hey, I fell off the thread .. Just place making, I'll be back to reply later tonight

Hey Coop,

Sorry to hear about your husband. Sounds really hard, specially the not knowing the reason, maybe the therapy will help with that... For what is worth it, it took Mr Erica a long time to admit how badly the fruitless TTC was affecting him. By then it was all a bit of a shitshow but once he realised and he started talking about it, it all got better quite quickly.

Hags, I think May will be IVF time for me!

Ok can't keep up fully stupid cunting work

Icy - I suck at diets too. I'm really really bad I say currently eating chocolate

Coop I think Mr B struggled with depression for quite some time. I don't think he would have said it was ttc related too but I think it was. I think it's partly about expectations and life patterns. We expected to be parents by now - it's hard to know what else brings meaning to life especially when you are still on the TTC wagon. When you get off there is time to reevaluate what will bring meaning to life but while we are tying? It's pretty much a monthly cycle of trying and "failing" not easy stuff

I got my meds in the post today- all instructions in Czech. I don't speak Czech so that's really helpful, thanks for that

Having a minor freak out on the train. Convincing myself my egg quality is fucked as I've been ovulating (despite pcos), OH had had kids & SA all fine, so there must be another reason.

Sigh. Spotting today, which is unusual, and have stopped tracking cycles. Due on at some point anyway.

Blue that sounds a bloody nightmare, as if stabbing etc not stressful enough.

Coop - sorry to hear about your husband. It's no wonder & I have no words of wisdom to offer. Just take care of each other.

Iphone at 5% battery so better post before it dies!!

Hi Icy,

I am here if you want to freak out together. I worry too, that there is something so deeply wrong with me that science has not caught up with it yet but apparently 50% of fertility issue (and 50% rmc actually) are unexplained so we will have to see I guess...

Hey, we may be IVF buddies! shitting myself already

Blue WTF - have you called or emailed them?

How is everyone else doing?

Erica solidarity in freak outs! I stupidly googled the percentage of fully and utterly barren women. 6% I think. Or 4%. Such a small number but I suppose someone has to be there. Why else play the lottery.

Feeling thoroughly depressed and sore and achey as droid started today so I'm wearing my period dress (an L K Bennett number with a baggy stomach).

Googling local boring easy jobs in anticipation of giving up on everything once IVF fails. Uuuuugh!

Icy - I love that your period dress is so glam! I'm a leggings girl myself

Pharmacist sent me English instructions by email once I asked. Still don't wanna do it but no chance of an ironidifff now as I couldn't be arsed telling him to sechs me the last few ovulation days.

Am pushing out of my mind any consideration that this won't work. Just pretending it isn't happening I can't believe I'm having fucking IVF!!

Feeling thoroughly 'urgh' here too.
And DCW is there as well. As he keeps saying, we have lived our lives in limbo and frustration for over 4 years, and now we've just added more limbo and more frustration with the house move that isn't moving. He didn't go on holiday this half term as we thought we'd be moving, and he can't go on holiday at Easter as we might be moving, and I might be having et... Fucking stinks, the lot of it.
I am struggling to believe our final chance could actually result in a baby, as even if by some miracle it works I'll be convinced I'll lose it anyway. And then I beat myself up because I believe the mind is a powerful thing and perhaps I'm destroying our chance by convincing my body it's going to fail.
I could go round in circles on this for ages.

So. Intralipid drip Friday. Stabbing starts Sunday. Last chance saloon and this shit is about to get real for the last time.

When do you start stabbing Blue?

2 weeks til stab time.

You know Barking, i think the mind is powerful too but not with this shit. Look at all those people who desperately pray NOT to be diffed when they are. This is all just shit, so don't beat yourself up for feeling shit about it.

Ha ha! We are all on denial! Since I literally cannot do anything until the droid arrives, I am pretending it is not happening, just like you Blue!

Icy Sorry the droid got you, hag. I am already among the "rare" 1% that has 3 or more mcs so maybe I can skip the "totally barren" party... no? No. Ok.

My droid outfit is a mega bitch resting face. I look like I want to murder everyone and that is because it is exactly how I feel!

This is a 1% that Occupy wouldn't protest about.

Oh god. Against my better judgement I read Rachel Johnson's "good taste guide" piece in The Timea today. "A home without an Aga is like a woman without a womb", apparently.

As I typed that I just involuntarily pulled the "is that dog shit I smell?" face

Oh for fuck´s sake, do fuck off, Rachel Johnson!

My great aunt had to have her womb removed (she had already had kids but that`s beside the point) in her early forties and she remained very much a very foxy woman, thanks very much, you judgmental throw back bitch.

Oh, I am going to a wedding this week end! One SANS smug parents. Well, a couple of people have kids but are zero smug but most of the guests are lovely hag material. Going to drink all the wine!!

Hope my post itself did not come across smug. I am just so relieved that I will not be feeling like a lesser human being for a change... And yes, I know I "should" not feel this, infertility is something that is happening to me and not me etc etc but sometimes is just nice to go and relax instead of having all these conflictive feelings that need to be managed and addressed.