The BESH are cheating on Luck with Irony, all Hags aboard for the ironiclusterdiff of the decade (for the B's and the none B's!)

[Blue2014]

You know the drill by now ...

Rules of Entry - must be over 30, TTC no. 1 for over a year, be suitably evil and Hag like, willing to shout Cunt at the moon on regular occasions, consume extra gin when our fellow hags are unable to, and to get the nipple tassles out for any successful Hag ...

No admittance without a complete BESHtionnaire - see below.

Hope is a bastard manatee - ignore it, distract distract distract this is of course bullshit, you will go crazy symptom spotting anyway, that is unfortunately the way of the hags

You are wise. But the crazy is strong in me this month

It doesn't help that Mr Manatee is in NYC this week for work, which is where he was when the MC started in June. I know that doesn't actually make any sense, but it still feels weird.

I'm off now to read the rest of the thread so I know where everyone else is at.

Yeah I hate the crazy months, they are the worst. Who knew the thought of maybe being pregnant when you are TTC would be one you'll eventually learn to squash down and deny to hold onto sanity.

For ease: I'm Blue, 37, TTC 3 year, no pregnancies, male factor issue, initial consultation in Czech Republic for IcSI on Dec, aiming for treatment in Jan.

Hi Blue. TTC since Sep last year here. MMC in June at 9wks and back on the case since end July. Meanwhile have been having investigations for a monstrous fibroid. The consultant told us last week that basically any kind of invasive treatment for the 'roid would be riskier for my fertility overall than leaving it where it is, so I have resigned myself to looking permanently slightly bloated

It's nice to be on a thread that isn't populated by 23-year-olds and instadiffing huns. Not that I don't wish that for everyone, but my FB is full of smug pictures of everyone's second baybee at the moment and it makes me want to punch walls a bit or their parents.

We hate instadiffers here, you're in a safe place to want to punch people

By the way I say that and it's worth knowing that absolutely every single person in my life is an instadiffer

Those instadiffing bastards

Well, I'd better try and distract myself by doing some akshul work

Day out the office today - most of it travelling to Manchester and back from Surrey. iPod, candy crush (yes, still) book and plenty of time to sit and menkul.

Not that I don't wish that for everyone I'm going to out myself as Frau Bitter, but nope, I don't wish instadiffing for anyone. I'd prefer it if has to go through this shit. I'm envious as fuck of the instadiffing brigade. It's too fucking easy for them.

Was talking to a fellow 2 year+ TTCer (non-BESH, she isn't E or S enough. Or even B really as male factor) who has an instadiffing friend "but her mum died from cancer, so I can't begrudge her her fertility and perfect 2.4 family". I have to agree. Instadiffs need to have alternative fucking trauma to get through for me to not begrudge them.

I no longer want Andy Murray to win any tennis arch ever after fucking (perfect) Kim (obviously) instadiffed.

Manatee I don't quite fit the rules here as I'm only 28, but trying for 2 years. My OH is 47 so we're on a very tight timescale now. He is getting to at the stage where he's saying he is too old, selfish, my fair on the child etc and so it's frantic panic time. I've got PCOS, had a lap and diathermy in June to punch holes in ovaries and also discovered a load of endo which got zapped away. Also a blocked tube. Nothing since then. Done enough clomid to make me concerned about ovarian cancer risks in the future and currently on that plus metformin. IVF next step; OH opposed to it because of "stress" on relationship, but I think he's worried he'll have to rush to clinics to crack one out at a moments notice. I've explained it's a one off, on Harvest Day, but whevs.

Our relationship is fucking awful. We do have a lot of non-ttc sex but we fight a lot, he doesn't feel settled, I'm depressed AF by it all and other lifestyle complicating factors really make it so much harder. Ex wife, his kids by her, full on jobs, money issues involving my mother just fucking awful.

I used to think if I couldn't have a child I'd go balls out up the corporate ladder but I'm really coming round to thinking now what's the bloody point. Why bother. Far better be at home and get a menagerie of lovely child substitutes. Started already with my gorgeous kitts whom I love to death; there's lots of love and happiness to be had there. OH can carry on his high powered job, I'll make some token efforts driving his kids here and there, but mainly I'll be tramping around the hills with my future dogs.

Not sure how this fits in with my other plan of luxe travel agent, sourcing myself plenty of free Maldives holidays and doing loads of diving... Ach I'll make it work!

My lovely long LP is finally coming to an end. 16 dpo tomorrow and feeling decidedly premenstural, so I'll do a bleed, and then I've got a corporate wine tasting to do, so that's just as well eh, I can get drunk with people I don't know or care about. Wicked.

Haven't done a test because I'm fucking FED UP of never getting a result. 2 years and never even a chemical sniff, nothing fucking ever. Username is icy, just like my womb.

It's just not fair, is it. Didn't meet DH till I was 28 and then he complicated everything by having a nervous breakdown and there was no way either of us was going to be ttc during that. And he's 9 years older than me. So we got started late and I do often wonder whether we'll actually ever make it. If we don't there are always cats and we have a pretty nice life in other ways but that feels like cold comfort a lot of the time.

Is it the ttc which has thrown your relationship, icy, or were things tricky anyway?

Estate agent obviously.

Manatee relationships always have stress but the past 2 years of fertility stress puts an extra pressure on the whole thing which means shit we'd normally just deal with is blown out f all proportion. When we start shouting about whatever stupid fucking trigger starts the row, the whole litany of everything I've done wrong comes out from him. My reaction is to then attack him back, and it's a big circular mess. Then we "get over it" until the next time and try to not start a fight.

I feel it's one sided because the big fights are 'caused' by me - in that something I do triggers the row. I'm not deluded - a lot of things I do, ways I behave are very selfish and once we've had the row, I can see that. But I also feel that on the occasions he fucks me off, because the rows are so horrid, I'd rather just suck it up.

I know we weren't arguing like this, with this frequency before the TTC gubbins started.

Barking excellent news on the house! I love moving. Well, I hate actually moving - movers are bigger cunts than estate agents in my experience - but the whole new house, excitement, novelty is great. Mega distraction. Also stressful - which seems to be working so far?!. i'll give you the number for the removal man we used last year if you're finding the process runs too smoothly ;-) fuck what a nob, my blood pressure is rising just thinking about him. Rick. Rhymes with prick. Cunt.

I see you crap removals man and raise you the lawyers who acted for our vendors when we moved a couple of years ago. Cunt doesn't even cover it. Our vendors were downsizing into a bungalow they were having built, and it overran so this evil cowbag dragged the whole process out for TEN FUCKING MONTHS until their house was ready to move into. Meanwhile our buyers got so fed up of waiting for the chain that they split up and we ended up selling our house to the people we were buying from (confused yet?) at a loss of about £15K. I was inches from leaving a horse's head on their porch so many times.

barking Yes I realise that by the standards of many on this thread anything less than 3-5 years TTC probably counts as instadiffer. I guess the goalposts move. All the fingers crossed for your bfp sticking though. And new house buying process being 100% cunt-free.

I don't have a name for the giant fibroid. Should I? What about Gladys, after Gladys Knight and the Pipps, because it has lots of little roidlets too. And Gladys is a good name for a fibroid.

manatee Gladys is an excellent name for a fibroid, I approve wholeheartedly .

10 months?!? Fuck.

Having asked on a local fb group for recommendations for estate agents I booked the first two people mentioned favourably, and also got four people ask if I wanted to sell privately as they were looking for a house in the area.
Then, randomly, an estate agent pm'd me having seen my post (they had been recommended by someone later on the thread so he followed it up, it wasn't a total cold call as it were) and when I showed DCW and asked if I thought we should get him as well it turns out he knows this person but had forgotten he was an estate agent!! How random!
Given the level of interest we were tempted to sell privately, but if I was dealing with people directly I couldn't cope with haggling and now we've actually found someone we know, the cost of paying the estate agent would probably be less than the increased selling price we could get. So hopefully it's all steam ahead today as he's coming round this evening.
and I'm not going to gripe about spending the last two evenings decluttering whilst DCW went training, and to the pub

Welcome manatee, nice to meet you (always feels weird saying that..), hope you don't have to stick around for long for your own sake. Agree, Gladys is an awesome name for a fibroid

icy, sorry to hear you're having relationship shit, I know how you feel, I just don't know how to fix it honestly considering quitting ttc for a while because the way things are going, if they carry on, there won't be a relationship left. And if I ever did get pregnant, I don't want it to be at the expense of our relationship... Sick of the shit. Also just had my birthday so yeah, extra shit, I'm an even older BESH

Wow barking, unexpected news re house, hope everything goes smoothly for you. Apologies again for my not thinking before typing last week, got a bit carried away. Hope you're doing ok

Excellent news about finding an estate agent, barking. I don't blame you for not wanting to handle all the enquiries yourself. Unless you enjoy haggling it's just a load of faff and inconvenience.

icy I'd offer you a hug, but I've only just met you. And in any case I get the sense this isn't a very huggy or hunny group. Sorry you're having such a shit time though. Same for you, cooper - to you both.

Here I'm just back from a work meeting in St Albans. And poas because the crazy was getting too much and that gakky taste is still in my mouth. There was no point really as I'm only about 7dpo but it was negative which might at least make my subconscious stfu for a few days at least.

coop nowt to apologise for, I'm just overly sensitive to people dismissing this as if I didn't actually have to go through anything and after all that fuss and drama it just happened! Dead easy! Weird, irrational response on my part, because who gives a shit what anyone else thinks or how I got a bfp? But there you go.
Apologies, you caught me at a bad time .

manatee, ah, the lily white window signifying loss of hope. Step away from the piss sticks, that way madness lies.

Coop relationship shittery is just bollocks, agree. I'm not sure how you (as in one, rather than you personally!) manage to "give up" trying. Even if we were to "give up", if still be tracking and hoping every month - might be worse actually as i'd be expecting that I'm that women, that friend of a friend who tried everything three times and gave up and 'relaxed' and BAM. Have you (or anyone) had periods of giving up? How do they work? Do you actually not think about it, or is it just a big old charade to make the OH chill?

Did a piss test today. Negative obvs. So much for not testing anymore, but I justify it to myself thus:

1. Test on the day, so chances of inaccuracy (and me subsequently fever entry hoping I'm one of the 16% of testers whose piss isn't strong enough to register until dpo 18,19,20) is reduced
2. Knowing I'm not pregnant allows me to pre-emptively shove up the mooncup so I don't have to think about looking out for it.

Not that I have to worry about thinking about it - the period has definitely been turned on. Stomach is agony. Worried the endo is all growing back already. Been 4 months since the op so every bloody chance.

If it gets more sore I'll definitely be going back in to get it rezapped - this time on BUPA as won't be for fertility, really.

Oh well, on the positives, I've not felt like crying (yet) so that's good. I'm resigned to IVF, really (although still believe hope I'll ironidiff).

Hate the way period bloat makes you look pregnant. Such a fucking kick in the ovaries. Oh well - at least I've got clomid hot flashes to get me through the winter. Being a permanently cold person, they're a bit of a boon.

Can I just pop on to ask a stupid question that I really should know the answer to be now...

In terms of day one of a period - when is that fucking day?!!! If I started light bleeding at 5pm last night and needed a pad on overnight because I could predict heavy flow overnight - which day is day one ? Yesterday or today (full flow today)

I reckon it's the day you start - but just note the time - depends why you're counting? Ie if going for a treatment that needs to be on day x and leaves a certain amount of time from day 1 to treatment, then work back accordingly? Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head.

See that's what I always thought but a lot of forums says its the day of the first full bleed

Ask the doc in the event that timings is related to a procedure otherwise I guess it doesn't really make that much difference... It's depressing as fuck and a nice reminder of your barrenness. Fuck I hate being barren [states obvious]

It's only because I'm trying to plan leave if I do have treatment in January, it means I could do with figuring out exactly what day day 12 is but I'll ask the doc when I see her. Seems bloody basic stuff that i should know

Tbf it's a fairly niche question! No one ever sits you down in year 9 to explain "day 1 is when the bleed starts, unless you start after 4pm and it's light. In which case that's still Day 1 sometimes but doesn't count if you are doing certain fertility treatments. How light is light? Light flow, obviously. Got it, yeh?"

God I feel so fucking low. Not tearful or actively upset just numb and low. Don't care about anything.

Aw icy, sorry you're having a horrible time hag. I fucking hate this for everyone who experiences it I've never had a "false alarm" in the 2.5-3 years (depends how you count it with us) we've been trying either, definitely truly barren

And we took a break for a few months earlier this year after I nearly had a full on break down last Christmas, and although I did still hope af wouldn't arrive, I honestly 98% switched off and I don't know how I managed it, but I was actually generally in a better mood than I had been. after the first few weeks of me killing like a bitch

barking, don't apologise, I was just excited that one of us had got a bfp and put my foot in my mouth I know what you've been through up to getting to this point and was speaking (typing?!) before thinking, hope you're doing ok?