Hi everyone, wondering if I can join in as it seems like a very safe place to be.
I recognise carrot van from ttc #2 thread - clearly very sad that we are all here but so helpful to have people who understand. I don't think I could quite manage the "normal" conception at the moment.
Just to share my story as it's quite cathartic so apologies if its long! Fell pregnant with number 2 in April after trying for a few months. in retrospect I knew early on that things weren't quite right I even told DH that this one must be a boy as it was so different to my last pregnancy with dd1. I was searching online for earlier and my Google history came up with " no pregnancy symptoms 5 weeks." but you never want to believe the worst do you? i had some spotting what would have been nearly 7 weeks. I used to work on the epac and so rather cheekily self referred. we had a scan that showed a heartbeat but was only measuring 5 and a half weeks. everyone said that my date must've been wrong but as I track ovulation I knew that they were right. But the hope of seeing a heartbeat meant I kept clinging on with my heart although my head told me things werent right.
my spotting never cleared up and started to get heavier. on Monday (10 weeks by dates) I sobbed to dh I was sure things had definitely gone wrong. he was still feeling very reassured by previous scan. tuesday I went to see my GP who wasspectacularly unhelpful and told me that I would just have to wait and see. instead I went round to EPAC and cried on them. they were brilliant at organising scan and calling dh for me. the scan showed no HB and reduced sac size. baby measuring 7 weeks. dh and I just stared at that screen knowing that there was no HB where there had been that hopeful flicker last time with tears running down our faces. somehow having seen a previous HB made it more real that our baby had been alive, and now wasn't.
Because I had some bleeding I was really hoping for a natural miscarriage. unfortunately the bleeding tailed off - immeasurably cruel - too much bleeding for my baby to survive but not enough to miscarry naturally. I tried medical management on Thursday with no success. there was something that meant I really felt that I wanted the catharsis of "giving birth" and saying goodbye to my baby. However by sunday it was clear it was not going to happen and I felt that in order to start healing mentally and physically I need to go ahead with the ERPC. I had the procedure yesterday.
Feeling much better physically & like life might start going again but will never be the same. Definitely feel I want to start ttc again quickly as possible . I know that being pregnant won't change what has happened and I'm sure I will be a headcase for first 12 weeks. but I feel that my life is currently on hold waiting to be pregnant again, especially as I have known in my heart for so long things haven't been right.
thanks for putting up with my splurge, just really helpful to get it off my chest amongst people who might understand.
When did people who chart try to start again? I know that my first cycle will probably be all over the place, but somehow I think charting makes me feel more in control of an out of control situation! Anyone have any experience of not waiting for first period to start charting again so I can have some expectation of what it might be like?
Also wondering what terminology people are using? Somehow feels wrong to say ttc number 2 when this will be my third pregnancy. Or is that just mad!
Sorry for the epic post. Mumsnet is much cheaper than therapy!