We're sorry about your fanny - here, have a balloon! We might use cock rings and ear needles, but we definitely don't use contraband to get us upduffed - it's Just Shagging thread 41!

[LaLaLaaaa]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid 

Cat - Compulsory 

The link to Part 40 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2320175-Lifes-a-bitch-but-we-keep-on-shagging-Weve-stocked-up-on-gin-and-pics-of-cats-If-your-Miroid-cant-give-you-the-big-O-then-LTB-and-come-join-us-50-shades-got-nothing-on-us-Its-JSing-40?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2322010-Calmly-and-regally-gestating-our-beans-in-a-land-of-obsessive-ILs-placenta-horticulture-sweary-doctors-and-naked-pancake-cravings-Its-the-JS-grads-thread-23?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Shag viroids shaaaag

Oh my god wine. Fanjo physio? Is that a thing?

I have just quailed.

I have never understood the meaning of that til now.

Viroids... I'm having a cat dilemma. The friend who brought a lovely bottles of bubbles over is staying the night... So the cat had a massive crap on the spare bed. There was so much poo she must have saved it for a week. Last time he stayed she weed in the bed. She clearly hates him...

I'm mortified.

lil wahaaay!! It's about shag time

I think one of my neighbours has just offered to be surrogate for me! Night out with the local girls got awkward! Jeez, not sure how to feel about that, except livid, horrified and also grateful but would never accept, all at once. I think the terminal state of our infertility has just hit me, following one comment.
She once agreed to do it for someone before apparently, she didn't outright offer, but I felt the meaning iykwim. bad times viroids, bad times.

pickle x post. If it were me I'd offer him my bed. Is he an animal person? He may just laugh it off but some folk will boak, clean sheets or not...

Wine, OMG, fanny physio?! -reconsidering ttc--. I have images of you having to put things up there and then 'keep them in'.

Sunshine, that is hilarious really unfortunate. Bad cat!

Hope you are okay Tink, neighbour sounds slightly unhinged?? (Am I just being judgemental?).

sunshine oh no! Bicarb and vinegar help with the smell.

jc this is excellent news.

lil and pud shag like it's going out of style!

The only person who wants to see me naked today is DD. She thinks my breasts are hilarious and is fascinated with breastfeeding even though that diner has been closed for over 4 years

wine you get today's for your fanny's sacrifice.

I thought I had it bad with DD. Labour was fifty-three motherloving hours with a ventouse at the end and I still pee a little if you look at me the wrong way.

tink that is weird... I really don't get surrogacy if you're not like a sister or BFF. Perhaps it was one of those things that like tumbles out of a persons mouth and then they realise what they said and have to finish the story. Hopefully she's on a wannabe surrogates thread somewhere right now confessing how mortified she is?

pud she did mean well! That makes it worse doesn't it?! Oh god I'm going to have to invest in net curtains aren't I? She spent ALOT of time explaining how fertile she is and how her coil means each month she "effectively aborts a foetus"! How did I even get on to this with her? Needless to say I left early. God they're all probably feeling bad now aren't they? Good and also awful in equal measure! Thank god I have great mental health, a mug of tea and a warm bed devoid of all cat shit! she wants to shag my husband doesn't she

Fanny physio is not an alien concept to me! One of my physio friends did a rotation at a women's health clinic. It was the smell of the geriatrics that she couldn't abide. I think the post labour stuff is pretty common..

sky lol, off to check the surrogates threads! Hopefully I just was imagining the "offer"!

Ew! tink what a stupid and gross thing for her to say. She's clearly an over-share bear!

tink the shagging was rejected
I too would be mortified by the neighbour. not surprised u left early!

Pud I am having the same disturbing mental images. Oh god. Why was I born a woman. I used to think accidental teenage erections meant that we were kinda equal with men in the awful-things stakes. But it's just not true is it.

Fuck lil can you use the restraints on him? Hope you get some joy tomorrow. I feel your pain with trying to get a less than inclined oh on board. Keep at him, and try and remember to play nice If all else fails try the old school girl outfit again! Mr. Tink loves an Ann summers outfit! Problem is they don't make him cum, shag all night yes! Jizz no sadly

wine lordy, you deserve a medal! Nosily i want to know what your physio involved!

tink v awkward, im sure she meant well. Just a bit insensitive.

Im on the wine, hoping i wont be able to much longer so enjoying whilst i can

tink my dp is the same, wants sex all the time but it's hit or miss whether he comes or not. First two cycles we only managed to get jizz in the right place once per cycle and too early. We had a really good chat though and I basically said, in a v supportive angry shrieking bansheeway obvs, that if we want a baby he needs to come and I'm not precious how it happens. I said that he could wank after sex and then put it in just before the crucial moment. Happy to report that last month that worked when he wasn't able to but this month so far I'm swimming in spunk and that he's come through sex every time. This is huge as it's always been an issue.

So due to aforementioned over share I have no idea if I have ewcm as I'm positively swimming in spunk. Does anyone know how to tell the difference please don't suggest a taste test

lil feel for you, there is nothing more dispiriting is there? I second tie him up!

just sounds like you're on the uppers then! wanking during sex, when we're changing positions etc, is the only way forward here. Dh has got used to being good at the right times these days though. He loves it when I tell him exactly what to do and where! It wasn't always like that but he's adapted I've trained him lil it's so hard to get rejected when you know this time could be the right time but it happens. Letting it go and making the most of tomorrow is the only option

tink thats a good tip-wanking when changing positions. That's a danger time for us as is any interruption, phone ringing, cat looking at him
I have also found that suggesting we "come back to it in a bit" if its not happening, much better than my previous sulk, second attempt usually much quicker and successful.
I find it v stressful when im fertile as im constantly trying to not put pressure on/do anything that inadvertantly puts him off his stride/worrying he wont come and another month will be wasted.
Wish dp would be told what to do! He's v much a demander- good dirty talk though

Just as Jelly is MIA... Jizz soaks in to the tissue, EWCM doesn't.

I have lots of EWCM but no shag. I've been promised tomorrow morning and I have a stabby ovary right now dammit! Stay alive, little egg!

Lemon Google "sunny daze blanket" I am trying, through careful study of photos, to figure it out. Think I've just had a revelation but it will have to wait until morning.

Sky I still pee a little if you look at me the wrong way. LMAO! Genius!

Thank you honey , vaguely remembered jelly had some advice on jizz/ewcm identification

That blanket is brill, is that for experienced crocheters only? It would end in disaster if I tried wouldn't it? Much like the cable knit cushion cover I've been knitting for what feels like forever and is only two inches wide!

And fx that tomorrow proves perfect timing

lil that's shit has he explained why?

Weird tink I'm sure she meant well but bit of a boastful over share there

No ewcm for me yet and no jizz either.... Hoping for a lazy Saturday morning shag, no idea why I'm wide awake stupidly early