Bring along any luck you can find ..This BESHly fred is brought to you by the magic number 3 - come on Hags, we can Foo it!

[Blue2014]

You know the drill by now ...

Rules of Entry - must be over 30, TTC no. 1 for over a year, be suitably evil and Hag like, willing to shout Cunt at the moon on regular occasions, consume extra gin when our fellow hags are unable to, and to get the nipple tassles out for any successful Hag ...

and now we've been trained by the government in our new MI5 roles, we are likely to get a little Ninja on your ass if you babydust round here ...

No admittance without a complete BESHtionnaire - see below.

Yes barking, you are right, this isn't how it should be and you have every right to be fucking furious and the hate the world (and its babies and toddlers) right now and for longer than right now

This is fucking unfair, stay here with us and tell CUNT at the world as much as you want to and until you are exhausted. And when you feel numb, it's ok to numb here too. Remember we are BESH, everything is ok here

How are we Hags?

Chez? How you doing?

Your know what I hate most? The secrecy, if I could just tell people that we are trying but struggling it would be easier. I feel like I permanently need to have a true BESH face on - me, babies?? I couldn't eat a whole one ...

I hear you, blue! Someone said to me a few months ago, talking about someone else, "oh, she's just like you and me - doesn't want children". So we must be pretty good at the whole secrecy thing.

Manly arm punches all round tonight.

I don't go with secrecy, if I ever hear a comment made related to me and children I am bluntly honest. I don't give a shit if it makes the other person uncomfortable. Sometimes I want to say something (like when people are constantly talking about their children and I want to tell them I've had two pregnancies, does that count?) but I don't as it doesn't come up naturally in conversation, so I'm not that bad.

I'm still in a crap place. DH has been told he's had too much time out and will not be able to leave work for the consultant appointment on Monday morning . There have been three consultant appointments (an hour out of school each) and one day off for the ivf since September. That's not exactly taking the piss .

barking that seems harsh. Did he tell them what the time was for?

I don't go with secrecy to protect other people's feelings, it's because I literally cannot bear the idea of people talking about me behind my back, passing judgement on our situation or, worst of all, pitying me. I am getting better at sharing with people I trust but I don't think I will ever be fully out and proud for those reasons!

Droid landed overnight so am booked in for AMH and dildocam on Tuesday afternoon. Should just be spotting by then so not so worried about the embarrassment factor now!

I posted a long reply this morning, but I see it didn't actually post dammit.

barking, that does not seem at all like too much to ask for. What will you do now - will you go without him?

rain, sorry about the droid and hope the dildocam goes well (?!). I have my hsg on Monday, so there are fun times with implements ahead of us both. Yay.

Re the secrecy, I don't deliberately keep things secret, but I've found that actually most people haven't really asked us anything directly. I suspect they think we don't want kids - you know, because of our 'great lifestyle' and all - so they've just assumed we want to be childfree. On the one hand it's good, because I can't always trust what my reaction to the question (from those who do know) will be: could be a resigned shrug, could be upbeat optimism, could be racking sobs. But on the other, the assumption is often loaded with a kind of vague condescension, from those with kids anyway. I'm lucky in that I have a couple of close friends, both of whom have gone through 'troubled fertility', to talk to. And you hags, of course.

Well hags, it's FRIDAY. I'm working all weekend, but still feel better about it being Friday than Monday, say.

Sorry - in case I wasn't clear, the comment about our 'great lifestyle' was sarcastic. It should have had a after it. It's what lots of our friends say whenever we go out for dinner or go away for a few days.

Morning hags,

I thought this article on IVF was interesting

On the other hand, I watched 'Still Alice last' night and while Julianne Moore was (as per usual) magnificent, I am pretty sure they referred to IVF treatment as IUI. You'd think they would get their facts right on a movie about health! And the 'let's all talk about my fertility problems and IVF treatment in a cheerful manner during Christmas dinner' was pretty unrealistic too.

Barking I am so sorry you are feeling so low. But you will get through this. When I mc-d last summer for the third time, I thought I couldn't do it, that I couldn't stand any more pain and disappointment and for a long time my mood range was: furious/weepy/depressed. But it will pass, hag. I think you know it too but right in the middle of the crisis it's easy to forget how strong we are.

Cavemum Sorry to hear about the PCOS. I was diagnosed with asymptomatic endometriosis last year. The only symptom was my inability to get/stay pregnant but other than that, there were no signs, my cycles were clockwork and all tests came back fine. I've had two laps in the last year, I got pregnant straight away after the first one but mc-d at 7 weeks. Crossing my fingers that the second one will do the trick before we go for IVF!

Hope everyone is having a nice week end! It's the rainy season here, biblical rains and storms... it's quite cosy! :)

Whooops! Here is the link! www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/apr/18/ivf-treatment-fertility-unit-oxford

Yo hags, just checking in to let you know I'm still upright. Sorry you're feeling so down Barking, can you get out on that bike to burn up some of the anger and reclaim your life back a bit? Have the swordfish of solace with which to stab the people asking silly questions.

I'm going through the motions of life and some of it's actually been OK this week if you don't count the mental dreams and pervading feeling of despair that creeps up from time to time . We see the consultant in a couple of weeks and I've booked a counselling apt for the same day to force ROCH to actually communicate on this one for us to talk through things a bit.

Until then forgive me if I step away from MN for a bit, I just need some distance on the TTC front to help get some perspective. I'm still planning to pop in from time to time and will be egging you on from the sidelines.

Gin and fish to all.

You are a fucking legend, Chez! All the best with the consultant and the counselling.

Fish and Gin back at you Chez much love Hag

Oh and re: the secrecy. Honestly I'm annoyed because he won't let me tell. I would tell, if my legs or ears didn't work very well no one would expect me to hide that?! Just got its my fanjo and his spaff now we have be ashamed?? Sod that. But he is ashamed I think. And that makes it so much harder but it means people do ask horrible questions. I've now actively started avoiding a close friend and a cousin because in their northern wisdom they think the way to make me baby-up quicker is to yell at me about it in front of their friends (people I don't know). The family thing tomorrow with the instaffer SIL - all of it would be manageable if it didn't feel like there was a big elephant in the room (because I've been married 3 years now, and they know I want kids so .....)

Ah well, just a whinge!

barking, hope you doing ok Hag and that his stupid work place have changed their idiotic views!

cherry - good luck, comrade.

My thoughts are with you Chez - good luck with the consultant and enjoy your time out of TTC world, you deserve it Hag.

cherry do what you gotta do luffly hag. Really hope the follow up and counseling give you and ROCH a firm foundation to move on from together, in whichever direction that might be.
Will be thinking of you and obviously you know where we all are should you need us (just like the end of Labyrinth ).

chez good luck with the consultant and the counselling. Time out of ttc world sounds like a good idea - certainly did me the world of good.

erica interesting article! The OFU is my clinic and you do really feel that the staff care about helping you iwn a baybee. But it's also true that they are interested in their success stats, so are somewhat selective about what they offer. I also think that the article, like many ivf ones, paints a slightly rosy picture of fertility treatment. I find myself having to reset expectations among my family about success rates, esp as I'm outside the 'optimum'.

blue hope you are getting through the family thing. Some of fab's silent fuck yous might be in order methinks!

AFM I am awash with oestrogen! Scan on Thursday will tell us how my lining is getting on and whether we can go for the big thaw. Gulp.

Go Fizz's lining,plump plump plump

The family thing wasn't as bad as I thought, I even rubbed a bump! Think Mr B had a bad time but of course he wouldn't actually talk to me about it bloody men!

Good luck fizz!!

Glad it wasn't so bad Blue

I've been away all weekend. I rode my bike up some classic hills in the Yorkshire Dales, drank some gin and some rum and ginger beer, and rode my bike again today. Feeling alive and like myself for the first time in ages .
Got the appointment (on my own) tomorrow morning and then I'm going to join chez and forget about ttc until I need to face it again. It's going to be all about the bike .

Enjoy the break Barking, that definitely sounds like the right thing to do just now.

Good luck Fizz - you're getting closer to the goal

And well done Blue for getting through a difficult situation, just sorry to hear the husb is struggling. Why do men find it so difficult to talk these things out??

Morning hags.

blue, I'm very glad that the family thing wasn't too hard. Poor Mr Blue.

barking, it's good that you took the weekend to focus on the things you enjoy and just try to to get out of your own head for a bit. Bike riding is great for that. I do a bit of hiking myself when I need to get away from it all. Nothing like it to clear the head, even if it's only for a few hours. Good luck with the meeting tomorrow.

Hags, I am out of my HSG and parked on the sofa already...our clinic opens at 7, so I thought I'd get in and out as fast as I possibly could. I had some vague notions of going into work afterwards...that might not happen. It was...well, it was very uncomfortable. Anyway, the person who did it said that everything looked ok on the right, but the left tube was very narrow at the point it "joined" with the uterus. So...hmm. But I'll have another appointment with the consultant to discuss the results on Friday. And then off I waddled, reminded of my pre-tampon teenage years.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not blocked, so that's good. But narrowing seems unusual? Well, at least according to my frantic googling.

Morning

Badb I am sorry to hear you found the HSG so unpleasant. I did too but I was told that I had a 'very narrow' cervix so I thought that was the reason I found it so painful. I totally freaked out about the 'narrow' cervix thing but during the follow up appointment, the consultant said it was fine (apart from making smear tests, HSGs etc particularly uncomfortable).

I also had/got a bicornuate uterus a result of a D&C (looong story) . It was corrected by surgery but I totally panicked about it and now it appears that lots of women have it since birth and go on having healthy pregnancies.

Try not to fret (I know, easier said than done!).

Barking You go, hag! Hope it all goes well with the consultant and that you enjoy being back to being yourself and on the bike!

Blue Glad to hear the family do went well. It must be frustrating that Mr Blue is not being very communicative but hopefully he'll open up once he's had some more time to digest the test results. Are you still thinking of makin an appointment?

Fizz Oh my god! Exciting!

Fab Am I right to think you are 12 weeks preggers??

We've TTC-d and now the TWW of fuck start (fun.not).

Hello, sorry, joined in then fucked off! How rude! Had some rl shit to deal with but things slowly returning to normal. Be back properly soon if I'm still welcome

barking sounds like a good weekend. I think you and chez have both earned a good bit of respite from this bollocks, glad to hear you're having moments of it already.

bad I had cramps on and off for a few hours post hycosy, just vegged on the sofa and watched crappy tv. My appointment was in the afternoon tho, so bunking off work was easier! Hope you're feeling alright now - Try not to worry about the narrow tube for now, the consultant appt will be here before long.

erica the TWW of fuck sounds interesting! . Droid is leaving the building so I'll be on the other side from weds - luckily we're going on a little holiday this weekend for 5 days so perfectly timed for some relaxed shaggage, fingers crossed.

Dildocam tomorrow - the only appointment they could offer me was mid afternoon which is really annoying. Got a massive client pitch in the morning and will have to leg it back afterwards in all my fancy work gear to get dildocammed by a nurse.

fab any more scan news for us?

tink course you're welcome! Hope things have been alright IRL hag