Bring along any luck you can find ..This BESHly fred is brought to you by the magic number 3 - come on Hags, we can Foo it!

[Blue2014]

You know the drill by now ...

Rules of Entry - must be over 30, TTC no. 1 for over a year, be suitably evil and Hag like, willing to shout Cunt at the moon on regular occasions, consume extra gin when our fellow hags are unable to, and to get the nipple tassles out for any successful Hag ...

and now we've been trained by the government in our new MI5 roles, we are likely to get a little Ninja on your ass if you babydust round here ...

No admittance without a complete BESHtionnaire - see below.

Hags? HAGS??

Hope you are all ok. Work, eh? Insane. Still hating Monday. Only one more hour till home time (where I will continue to work for two more hours - but from the sofa. Possibly with toast.)

Work sucks Bad, I am drowning in it!

Barking, my motivation for the secret consultant appointment is to protect him. I like cold hard facts, I like to hear worse case scenario - he doesn't. So I want to know the reality of what our treatment options are, what our chances of success are so I can gently prepare him for it. He's not doing well at all, he's depressed and he's started drinking a little too much to manage. I think it will pass soon (he has noticed it and aims to change) but I can't submit him to more pain and hopefulness right now. I don't think he would be angry if I went without him, I've done the majority of this on my own anyway and it took 4 cancelled attempts to get the spaff test done over the course of 2 years - it's not he has a big love of fertility clinics .... Anyway, we will see. I am also avoiding it as I don't want to consultant to notice I am fat and reject my referral (have lost 7 pounds so far though!) I do carry my weight quite well so Im wondering if I can hide it from them at the first appointment! Speaking to the GP tomorrow to get further updates.

In the meantime, my bro and sis in law visit this weekend, she's now 8 months preg and I haven't seen her I. 6 months. I am terrified, I actually want to cancel but cant cos it's a special family function. I may survive it but Mr B may not and you just know there will be "where's your baby" comments. I am almost crying at the thought of it!

Monday. Ugh. At least it's over now!

blue that sounds awful. Could you both pretend to have the flu or measles or something and get out of seeing them? I have done that to avoid a couple of family occasions before now and the guilt at not going was only temporary. I definitely felt better for protecting my sanity.

barking that's interesting! I don't know anyone else who froze 1-cell embryos. Our clinic have said that we need to defrost a minimum of 4, so we are going to do all 5. I think the most likely outcome is that we won't have any to refreeze - I think the clinic are v opposed to it. If by some mad chance we have lots doing well on day 5 I think we might be able to push for it. But I'm not thinking ahead that far much ! We may well have to decide whether to put one or two back - I'm hoping they will steer us. It's too bloody difficult to make all these choices!

Tell me why I don't like Mondays - oh, because they're shit and there's still 4 more days of work to go. BAH!

erica I don't think there's any such thing as crazy in the world of fertility. Give him a call!

blue that sounds fecking awful. I agree with fizz - if you want to dodge it then do, the benefits of self preservation vastly outweigh any temporary guilt. Sounds like you and Mr Blue need some major head space to work through all the IVF stuff together. well done on the weight loss! half a stone, that's good going missy!

fizz I hate making choices even when they're trivial, and that is about as non trivial as they come! Hope you get some good advice from them.

had a pregnancy announcement at work, thankfully from a male colleague so no bump to be tormented by although there's a couple of women I am deeply suspicious of at the moment. How insane do I sound?!?

fab toe holds for tomorrow!

What hard choices Fizz. If you could refreeze then maybe that's the thing but ohmygahd I know nothing about this sort of thing so don't take my advice. I do know they'll prob urge you to put one back unless they're not so good quality so if you want two then maybe best to know your own mind?

Blue, the parallels between ROCH and Mr Blue are quite uncanny, it's so hard to deal with the cycle of downers and drinking, especially when you're up to your eyeballs in work and just trying to get through each day. I have no real solutions, only sympathy as nothing I've tried so far has worked. except stop coping so well; my recent display of emotional incompetence seems to have empowered ROCH in a way no constructive support ever has Good going on the weight loss though, that's impressive and definitely to be applauded.

Yup, good news, after the rage subsided the boy has been pulling his weight. The hormone fog is lifting so life is looking up a bit from this corner. And there is always gin.

I hear you Rain, does every fucker have a small child at the mo. Grrr! Good luck tomorrow Fab, lava fish and limpets of luck for you.

Give 'em a ring Erica, you're worthy of their time and attention and defo not any more crazy than the regular long term TTC'er. Monday's nearly done Bad, hang in there.

Morning hags.

Blue, I agree with the other hags - try to cancel if you can. Are they staying with you?

Well, hags, I'm booked in for the HSG test next Monday. That's the last "preliminary" - consultant says if that looks normal our next move is IUI.

Ugh, Tuesday. Today is a consultation day for me, so I'll be seeing lots of students. Fun times.

Scan day fab!! Grabbing a toe!

Ooh, fab - it had gone clean out of my mind! Good luck, lovely.

Fab Thinking of you and Fablet!

Blue I agree with trying to cancel. It's hard but sometimes you have to put yourself and your partner first. And I find people don't actually mind as much as we think.

7lbs! Well done, hag!!

Rain I don't think you are crazy at all. No one can say 'they are not feeling well', or wear a baggy top or put any weight on without me squinting at their bellies and wondering if they are pregnant. 'Tis what it is!

Badb Good news about the HSG. Tests are stressful but not knowing is worse!

Chez Yay for feeling better. The hormone crush can fuck off.

Fizzy I have no advice but I send you the cold of calm to make decisions.

How is everyone else doing?

Thanks for reassuring me that I am not a crazy lady, I will make an appointment with the consultant this week.

Sorry for a quick post and run - I know I've asked this before but, how well will I be able to hide my address for this IVF referral? I know it's wrong but I'm moving out of area in the next 6 weeks. I do genuinely want to keep the same GP as its where I work but I called the surgery and they said the GP chooses whether to keep you if you move, she's pretty hard so I think she will refuse but I can't miss my chance of IVF and I can't not move (we have been looking for a house for 4 years)

If I just don't tell them I've moved and get all my post redirected - will I get away with it? How many letters do you tend to get for IVF and how well do the clinic check where you live?

Chez, hope you're slowly feeling better. Grovelling apologies for almost outing you, but 'twas sheer coincidence the photo of the table popped up on my Twitter feed

Fab good luck for today's scan.

We've had a fun few days - a bout of sickness has swept through the house and though we've all stopped vomming I still feel pretty fragile. Add to that I've had an epic droid to contend with, honestly I've never known one so heavy. I shouldn't complain though, it was a natural one meaning my last cycle had dropped to 62 days. Maybe there's hope after all?!

blue just till you're referred I think. in our case when we got the lack from the clinic there was a specific box asking whether we wanted our treatment progress shared with gp, so just say no to that and then update your address directly with the clinic. You might not even have to do that tho, I feel like someone else here/on another thread got away with lying by omission!!

fab hope it went well hag

Oh Hags I wrote a brilliant long message commenting on everything which promptly cancelled itself. Grrrr. So I wrote a small one with my news, posted and ran only to find it didn't post. Arse!! So in the interim hopefully this will post 3rd time lucky!! The scan went well this morning heartbeat still going well and it was quite wiggly this time too my sister was with me this time and she was very excited!! Thank the Lord and hallelujah!

great news fab!! did they say anything about the spotting? Go little fablet!!!

bad good luck for the hsg next week. I had a hycosy rather than the hsg and I was full of a strange mix of wanting it to find something and simultaneously dreading it finding something. That's the bastarding thing about unexplained I suppose!!

cave wow, what was your cycle before like?

Droid is due on Thurs, at which point I have to call clinic for pelvic ultrasound and amh. they ideally want to do the scan day 2-6. So, mid flow. I've not had to deal with that level of ick yet, obviously they will have seen it all a million times before but still feel a bit at the prospect!!

FAAAAAB! Fantastic news!!

Great news Fab Seeing a heartbeat is a massive deal, hopefully things will progress peacefully for you for the next few months.

Rain my cycle has always been all over the place, I don't have an average - anything between 29 days and 7 months I had a chemical induced cycle 7 months after E was born, followed by a natural cycle of 102 days, and now this one. So maybe they're slowly getting shorter

Hi hags, I've been around, but you know when you just don't have anything nice to say...? Everything I almost posted in the last couple of days was very or or just bitter.
Anyway.

bad it's not that simple in the making plans, jobs are now coming out for September and the deadlines are tight. We make a decision now or we miss the boat.
The HSG is fine unless you are allergic to iodine in which case you end up screaming in agony hours later and being admitted and pumped with morphine Haven't you only been ttc just over a year? We had to reach the 2 year mark before we could do iui, you've lucked out there with your area rules!

Blue fuck that, I wouldn't be going. Unless you really, really want to go of course, and it's just you'd rather not have to see the bump. And I've had letters after every consultation for the IUI /IVF. If you can keep getting them redirected that should be fine? Is there a lower entitlement where you are moving to?

fizz when do they come out of the freezer?

Fab amazing news, bet you were on top of the world

rain I hope you're wrong about your suspicions and they're just getting fat .

chez glad your hormones are starting to behave.

cavemum have you tried acupuncture? My cycles were screwed up after my first mc, eg I had one of 91 days, another of 46. Acupuncture sorted them out but I still didn't get pg

In order to find out what is happening with my cycles (I haven't tracked them since the last mc, iui and ivf) I've started temping again. It lept from 36.48 yesterday, to 35.88 today. What the Fuck? I looked back over past stats and it's always been 36 something. Below 36.5 before ov and above 36.5 after Ov. And if I wasn't on cd9 I'd have said I've had ov pain. But for the last three days.

Fuck it. I'll just keep drinking all the . .

Fab - wonderful news! So exciting.

barking - ah, yes, I understand the pressures of the academic calendar (similar field). It sucks. I don't know what to advise except - wine is good, gin is good, and sometimes you have to put yourself first, regardless of pragmatics. But I know that's not always possible.

Thanks for the reassurance about the HSG, hags. I'm strangely ok about it. I don't usually ovulate till cd15 - do you know if we can get on with trying this month as usual, or not? Conflicting info online.

barking, they recommend a year in our clinic if you are over 35. There are some other factors too. But since we have to pay for everything privately here - no fertility treatments whatsoever covered by public health service or health insurance - things are a bit more accelerated.

Cavemum It's so odd, isn't it, with the cycles. A friend of mine was told when she was quite young that she would probably struggle to get pregnant because she had something like four periods a year... then she had three children in 5 years and one was a surprise....

In any case, it does sound like your cycles are getting shorter! Fingers crossed! Maybe you mentioned earlier but I missed it, do yo know why your cycles are irregular?

Hags, it's TTC week for me again. Getting eggwhite cm on CD9, won't probably ovulate till CD15 so I am chucking the OPKs and seksing every other day! I think I feel less stressed than other months because I know that if it doesn't work we'll try IVF in a few months...which I know it's going t to be hard and challenging and I will need lots of toe holding but at least I won't be obsessively checking my CM and screaming at Mr Erica to 'SEKS ME NOW! IT'S RIGHT TIME, GODDAMIT!!'

Barking - I don't think you need to worry about being nice here! This is the place to not have to be nice remember.

Erica, im wishing I could give up the ttc sex, droid arrived yesterday. Trying to be brave enough to ask Mr B for the secs so soon after the low spaff results. I should maybe give him a break but I'm really freaking out about it all at the moment so feel like I have to grab every chance we can.

I'll go to the bloody family thing because Mr B will also feel rotten if we don't.

Ooh posted too soon- bloody phone

Fab - yay!!!

Cavemum - it's weird you having a new name ...

Oh crap late for meeting - back in a few hours .

Well, you might regret saying that Blue

I am feeling utterly depressed. Totally dead inside. When people are stupid at work and ask stupid questions I am struggling to not be rude in my response. I should be back in the classroom after my maternity leave this week, not sitting in a fucking office. I should be preparing for the first birthday party of my son next week (I know I lost the baby at 7 weeks but right from the beginning it was aways 'him'). I should not be worrying about my dad and how the foul behaviour of my ungrateful youngest brother is affecting him. Alternatively, if I hadn't out the second one, I should have a newborn. Either way this is not how my life should fucking be right now and I'm bloody angry. DCW's best mate is celebrating his son's first birthday this weekend. Everyone else in our social group is going. With their fucking babies and toddlers. I'm just a mess. And constantly or or just dead inside. Or on the verge of tears.

And that was the edited version.

'lost' not 'out'

This is definitely the place to sound off and say what you think you can't say in real life, we all think dark, all-consuming thoughts from time to time and I think it's healthy to let them out.

I have the joy that is PCOS to thank for my dodgy cycles. It means my hormone levels are all over the shop so no way of knowing what my cycles will do. Plus the added fun of adult acne

This is actually the nickname I signed up to MN with as a doe-eyed newbie all those years ago. I changed when other ESH commented that almost every post contained a reference to my beloved Frankel