Life's a bitch but we keep on shagging! We've stocked up on gin and pics of cats! If your Miroid can't give you the big "O" then LTB and come join us! 50 shade's got nothing on us! It's JS'ing 40!!!!!

[jellypi3]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid 

Cat - Compulsory 

The link to Part 39 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2306410-Dont-let-your-clits-get-twitchy-and-do-anything-to-avoid-a-boil-in-the-bag-fanny-BFP-wholesale-van-rolling-in-to-deliver-to-all-the-viroids-no-superstition-JUST-SHAGGING-Part-39" target="_blank">Here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2309233-Well-crap-in-a-Jiffy-bag-Its-the-22nd-JS-Grads-thread" target="_blank">Here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

one brilliant - love the fanjo balloons. I'm trying to invoke LOS by drinking

I'm on the prosecco again too myblack

loving the fanjo balloons talk! u mad lot!

Just a card that says "sorry about your fanny" and one of those balloons make up the perfect post-birth gift!

Now I want wine. And I shall have it!

No wine tonight here drank it all last night feeling virtuous

Could do with some though, bloody dp just melted the rug, that is sadly not a euphemism

What the hell did he do?!

He put the portable heater on it! Let's not even get into why he felt it necessary to drag it out of the garage and put it on in bloody march!

I came down and he was happily sitting in a room full of noxious fumes!

Thanks for hemming tape trick honey

"Sorry about your fanny!" ROFL!!! My friend is due to give birth any day now. Definitely writing that in her card. In crayon. With a "P.S. Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter etc etc."

Haha, love that this Fred always makes me laugh!

Jelly there was a cat meeting in a pub in Baker street? Why did I not know about this? I don't currently own a cat DH won't let me but would totally be up for cats AND drinks! Woop!

As for the fanjo balloon... Oh my. Haha!

fallen how did the imax go?

My Saturday did not go according to plan. My uncle decided that because the weather has been dry it was a good day to come over and put up our new fence. That wasn't on my to-do list for the weekend! Glad it's done though. It definitely had to be done!

When my friend had her baby I text her "congratulations! You pushed a person out your fanny!" Because I am a classy bird. She went with it, very funny exchange.

Anyone else a wee bit miserable about mother's day tomorrow?

Just tell him next time he wants to warm up to strip and get in bed. You'll keep him warm!

honey I'm so glad you said that. I just want to sleep through mothers day and wake up when its over. I'm gutted my necklace hasn't arrived in time for tomorrow, its due Tuesday. trying to focus on my mum, but that's very difficult to do.

To be fair to her, I asked, but my sister has two dd and gas some lovely plans. Just hoping that I am at least pregnant by next year. If not a mummy. Made me really sad to realise I still might not have a baby to snuggle with this time next year.

So, I have drunk a large glass of wine and eaten a creme egg. Winning!

Has some lovely plans even.

Lil it sucks that you won't have it tomorrow, but you do have your memories and a duvet, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

duvet will have to wait. I have to get through 3chapters of study, then take my mum out for lunch, then go back to hers where we will be joined by dB, sil, dnp and 7mo dnc. normally this would seem like a nice day to me but I'm fed up of celebrating mothers day for other people!

Cinema was fine ain, my headache had gone away thankfully, lots of gunfire/explosions.

Sorry to hear your necklace hasn't arrived yet lil. Until I started reading this fred I never even considered how difficult things like mother's day and baby announcements could be for so many people.

"Sorry about your fanny" should definitely be a standard greeting card.

Right, have a lovely day ladies, Sunday is the start of my working week so the office awaits :(

Take care of yourself Lil

What was the film, fallen?

Hugs lil I don't really do Mother's Day it is just another day to me, but I do the obligatory card sending because I don't want her to feel left out. My mil always expects to be taken out but I refuse coz I don't do it for my own mum.

You will get there lovely, I know - it is truly shit that you're waiting so long xxx

Please please can you start marketing cards and balloons saying Sorry About Your Fanny. I would find it hilarious!!!

viroids, isn't that why moonpig was invented?!

Haha the next person I know to have a baby will be getting a sorry about your fanny card!! Maybe we should do this each time a viroids has one ;)

Mother's Day has never been a big thing for me because I was raised by my grandparents but I always get my nan flowers. My DP spends a fortune on his mother though!

The kinky sex stuff arrived last night but I was too tired to use it lol! So was DP. We are a right pair!

So... its mothers day. I'm seeing my mum later which in looking forward to, but wishing I was at least pg. I have puppy cuddles though... not quite the same can't really talk to DH about it. He's not in a good place today either. He lost his mum a couple years ago.

I really want to get a cat. More and more lately I've wanted to get one. DH isn't approving but I can work on him. I miss having the cats around (mums cats from when we lived with her). We do have the dog, but he lived at my mums with the cats too...

The robot film Chappie honey, by the guy who did District 9 and Elysium. It was ok, I wanted to like it, I enjoy those films but this one didn't do anything for me. DH enjoyed it though.

I just sent my mum a card saying "to the no. 1 mum from your no. 1 daughter", not sure my sister will be pleased ;)

Do it ain, cats are the best! DH adores ours.

Ah, that's the one with Hugh Jackman in? Shame it wasn't great. I LOVE trashy action films a la Doom, Conan, SWAT, etc. Although I drew the line at RoboCop. Too shit.

I think you're right Jelly, it's got to become a tradition!

honey it reminded me of Robocop! So maybe best give it a miss hah.

Ain, get a cat, immediately. (How did you manage to sneak onto this Fred without one?!) It's coming up for kitten season soon so you can get an ickle one! If you are in South Wales/South West I highly recommend New Start Cattery.

Bad news Viroids, I have been looking for jobs outside teaching (that bit is good news), and have been learning all about maternity pay. I thought you had to work for your employer for 26 weeks... but it turns out you have to work for them for 26 weeks BEFORE 15 weeks before the due date iyswim. So really, 41 weeks. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. So, essentially I would have to know that I was not pregnant when I started a new job. This is not easy with 7 week cycles! I think I will keep looking, apply last minute, (hopefully not interview during the 2/3/4 ww)and then stop ttc in between interview and starting a new job. (This is all presuming that I actually get a job). To be fair though, if I did get upduffed when teaching I would get great Maternity Pay so not the end of the world (she says through gritted feminist teeth).

I have been looking at jobs in HE, contacted 35 hours a week, 8 weeks holiday and overtime that is ACTUALLY PAID (weeps and settles down for 5 hours of marking on a Sunday). Waaaaaaaah.