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Original poster

23 year old single and have been thinking about having a baby

136 replies

Tannedbarbie1 · 20/02/2015 03:27

Hey girlies,

So I'm 23 years old 24 in may! And I've been thinking about having a child for the past 6 months, i would love to be a mother and have a beautiful baby. But I'm single so don't know if it's the right move. Financially I can definitely do it I work from home so no worries there, but the responsibility does scare me! Most my friends are having babies now and I'd love one, but im single. Alot of my friends have supportive family, i don't really have a big family at all, i only live with my mum and I live miles from the rest of my family. But I know I can do it. If anyone has had these feelings let me know, I get the feeling I wont meet a guy and il leave it to Late

Xxx

OP posts:
GwenStacy · 20/02/2015 03:34

If you work from home you'll still need childcare unless it's something you can do the odd hour of here and there during naps - but then they stop napping :(

Focusfocus · 20/02/2015 03:55

It's your decisions but my advice would be - please, please wait.

Feeling broody for six months is not necessarily the reason you should act on it at this age. Of course people have kids at 23. Of course some of them are single mums, usually by accident or circumstances. Of course women can have babies on their own.

But. You are only 23. Life has just begun to begin for you. You could meet a boyfriend at 24, 25, 26. Date. Enjoy your youth, not necessarily by getting drunk and going backpacking across the world - or you could do that too!. Enjoy a child free relationship. Then decide in 2-3 years time if thus is what you truly want, and if you truly want or need to go it alone.

A beautiful baby is very appealing. They are deceptively draining, are babies only for a short while and increasingly expensive for two decades or more.

Just my thoughts.

Focusfocus · 20/02/2015 03:57

Boyfriend or girlfriend - sorry for presuming your sexuality as straight. Should have said partner.

Original poster
Tannedbarbie1 · 20/02/2015 04:05

I don't mind child care, i earn a good wage so think I'd be able to afford it, ha yeah I'm straight I just feel like most guys I meet are idiots or after one thing. Can't see me settling down with someone, I'm very mature for my age I've already been travelling, i just have this urge to be a mum! I've always wanted to have a baby younger because then it's better when they are growing up, my mum had me at 19 and I have a really good relationship with her, i think I'm getting broody too as my friends are having kids now, i just have the urge to live in a nice house and be a mother, feel like something is missing in life at the moment xx

OP posts:
GwenStacy · 20/02/2015 04:12

I'd check out the cost of childcare - you'll probably be horrified. We moved so I could be a SAHM as childcare for us would have been crippling, on two salaries (we were looking at £1500 a month just on childcare!)

AngryBeaver · 20/02/2015 04:16

I don't buy the younger mother = better mother.
I'm not an older mother (I don't think) I had my first at 28/29. I now have 4 and I'm 36.
My mum had me at 29, too.
I really don't think it matters.
I have an excellent relationship with my mum as she had with hers.

Maybe the thing you feel you're missing is a partner...or a cat.

Inevitably it's your decision. But although a previous poster has said, babies are incredibly draining. It's good to have the support of a partner or a family.

Weebirdie · 20/02/2015 04:29

Who would be the father if most of the guys you meet are idiots or only after one thing (which surely you'd be giving them in your quest to be a mum)?

How could you say to your child - well he was an idiot, not someone I wanted to be with, but it was OK for you to have an idiot as a father.

Please don't do it, its a hair brained scheme and shows you are still not ready to be a parent.

In fact its all completely and utterly bonkers.

Original poster
Tannedbarbie1 · 20/02/2015 04:31

I'm not totally decided on it yet! I do think il probably wait till I have a partner as i have friends who are single mum's and they say it is hard, I'd love to have 4-5 kids eventually as i would like a big family but not on my own!!! How can u I stop feeling broody arghhhhhh! My cousin is 2 in june and she's just so adorable love her to bits xxx

OP posts:
chillychicken · 20/02/2015 04:43

I've just had my first. I'm 29. I run my own business and thought it'd be a breeze working from home with a baby.

It isn't.

I can't work - the baby doesn't let me. They take up an awful lot of time. Then there's sleep deprivation. The loss of a social life. The knowledge that your life is no longer your own.

I have to put my baby in nursery as of 6 months as I desperately need to return to work. It's going to cost £225 a week.

I couldn't do this without the support of my husband. It's so tiring and quite lonely. My life has completely changed. I love my baby so much but I'm so glad I waited until now to have him - I first wanted a child 5 years ago. You're still so young. I could understand the "I'll never settle and need a baby now" type feelings if you were 15 years older but you have plenty of time to find someone and have a baby, you really do.
Just to give you an insight to my day. Baby wakes at 7.30, change nappy and clothes. Feed at 8. Sit him upright for half an hour after a feed as his reflux is so bad. It's now 9. He's done a poo, change nappy. Vomits over clothes, change his clothes. Play with him for half an hour. He's now tired. It's 9.45 so he naps whilst I get dressed, get breakfast and express milk. 10.15 he's awake. Out for a walk. 12 - feed. Repeat the above. Lunch at 1.45. A 2hr nap! Yay! Plan to wash his mountain of dirty clothes and clean the house. Oh, he's crying. Cuddle him. He's asleep. Put him down. He's awake. He'll only sleep on me. Feed at 4. Repeat the above. Now he doesn't nap. Instead he cries as soon as we want to eat. So we take it in turns to eat. Bath time! Yay! He loves bath time. Then he screams when he gets out. He doesn't stop screaming until he's fully dressed and ready for bed. He's not tired now. Husband cuddles him so I get a break. Feed at 8. In bed at 9. Awake at 12, needs comforting. Awake at 3.30 for a feed. In bed at 4.30.
And repeat.

munchkinmaster · 20/02/2015 04:45

Spend time with your cousin and then return her.

I remember feeling like this at your age. But you are so young. All of the world is out there. Find what's missing in your life. (Here's a clue, it's not a child).

Original poster
Tannedbarbie1 · 20/02/2015 04:48

Oh wow that is a long day! Yeah i agree it's best when I'm a little older, it sounds like real hard work, I'd definitely need to have a partner by the sounds of it xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Tannedbarbie1 · 20/02/2015 04:50

I think maybe because all my friends are having babies and it's their lives being a mom now I feel like I'm missing out.

OP posts:
ELA88 · 20/02/2015 19:25

I was still single at 24, feeling pretty much the same as you that my friends were settling down and I wouldn't find someone till I was much older. I'm now 26, married and baby is due in 4 weeks! As soon as I met DH I knew he was the one, we were married within a year and now baby is on his way! I would say wait and see what life brings you. I know friends who have coped amazingly well as single mums, but I am so glad I have DH! Pregnancy is a scary thing and the prospect of me looking after baby on my own would terrify me! Xx

Christelle2207 · 20/02/2015 19:41

I remember saying to my mw when my son was a few days old "how do single mums do it". My baby was permanently attached to my boob when tiny and my dh had to do everything including all the housework, cooking etc. I genuinely do not know how I could have coped without him. Baby is easier now (18m) but i could never ever go out of an evening or do something normal like go to the hairdressers at the weekend, if dh wasn't able to look after him. Have you thought about that? And about how you'll afford to put your child in childcare AND pay rent/mortgage AND eat if you're only earning SMP or less? You will definitely not be able to work with a newborn.
I know people do it, but I think raising a child without the financial, practical and emotional support of a partner, deliberately, when you're so young , sounds like a really silly idea. Sorry.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 20/02/2015 19:51

How do you think your mam would feel about having a baby in the household? She would most likely take on a parenting role, as you would naturally struggle and need her help (as any single parent would). That is a huge responsibility for her to take on, with very little choice in the matter. I'm 24 (with a 20mo DS) but most of my colleagues are my mother's age; they would be less than impressed if they had to take on a round the clock childcare role.
Have you cared for your cousin overnight to give you a little glimpse into what it might be like? Babysitting for a few hours cannot ever compare to parenthood.

CoffeeTwo · 20/02/2015 20:19

I felt like this at 23. In fact I yearned for a baby from the age of about 16 onwards. The broody feeling doesn't go away in my experience but I'm so glad I waited.

I met DH at 25 and we had DS at 28. It was perfect. Hard, but perfect.

What you do is entirely your choice but I do think having a baby now might cheat you out of a more positive experience down the line.

Brooki25 · 20/02/2015 23:46

I'd say do it. My boy is 8 now. I had him at 20. He's my best mate! I couldn't think of anything else I would of rather done with my 20's :)
Also my friend just had a baby @ 29, spent 6 mths of her pregnancy on the settee crippled, had to have a c-section & still isn't her self now 6mths on. The doc told her that was down to her age. I sailed through pregnancy & skipped out of the hospital after a natural labour.

Also I'm a single mother.... My son has a idiot absent dad. No biggy! Just 1 less person to run around after :)

TerryTheGreenHorse · 20/02/2015 23:51

Her doctor said it was her age, at 29? HORSESHIT.

Brooki25 · 21/02/2015 00:02

Absolute truth! She could hardly walk. No bladder control, it stuck to her whom.
But her daughter, 7 years prior. No probs.

Withalittlesparkle · 21/02/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns about this post and so we've agreed to take it down.

mummybear3813 · 21/02/2015 00:20

Please please please think about this. I had children young with a long term partner and turned out to be completely miserable in my 2nd pregnancy, knowing I couldn't stay with their dad. I am with a new partner, I am 28, he's 25, it's absolutely amazing, but tough at times because we don't often have time without them, we certainly can't go on holidays. It would have felt amazing to have saved myself for the love of my life, to have our first child together in a few years. Please think about it, you are still so young.

Enormouse · 21/02/2015 00:45

I'm sorry but that Dr was full of shite. The average age of a first time mum in the UK is 30.

Enormouse · 21/02/2015 00:53

I love my DSes , had them at 22 and 24 with a supportive dp who I'm still with. But I do wish I had waited. I love them dearly but in hindsight, I wish I had waited. I juggle going to uni, studying and being a parent and I have my lovely dp and its still bloody hard at times.

I had easy pregnancies and labours and I'm sure a few years wouldn't have made a difference to that Hmm

Original poster
Tannedbarbie1 · 21/02/2015 00:56

I think it is alot easier having kids young, as it's not as harsh on the body young, can be harder when your older, yeah I understand it's easier if I wait to have a partner, i need my own place first ect... I'd want to give my children the best life possible and have the best opportunities in could give them so probably is better I have a partner and his and my family, the thought of having kids really scares me but it's something I really want to happen. I'd love a big family. Would you say having kids completes you? I've spent time with my cousin and she's good as gold with me but plays up to her parents alot alot. Xx

OP posts:
Enormouse · 21/02/2015 01:09

It depends on what kind of person you are barbie. Prior to having my own kids I never felt maternal urges or the desire to be a mum. I did find the maternalness and love came quite naturally though. I guess if you're the kind of person who has always wanted kids then it probably would 'complete you'.

I did struggle with pnd after DS2 as I found my entire identity was subsumed by being a mum, being a non stop meal cooking, cleaning, child caring robot and I needed time to myself. To be able to go back to studying and enjoy my own hobbies. In that sense being a mum didn't complete me, I felt overwhelmed by it.