The BESH are powering ahead on a gin and prosecco fuelled hover board, in the general direction of 2030

[barkingtreefrog]

Rules of entry: must be ttc #1 for over a year, be suitably evil and hag-like, and submit your BESHtionnaire for our approval. If you are a baby duster or a hun, this ain't the thread for you.

In order to join the BESH you MUST be over 30 and TTC for baybee no. 1 for over a year, be ok with swearing, shout CUNT at the world on a daily basis and howling at the moon should be a regular occurrence. BESHtionnaires must be submitted - no admittance allowed without it (we just want to snigger at your lesbian crush - it's true).Â

Revised BESHtionnare for reference

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. Number of pets?

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

8. Lesbian crush?

9. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
   a) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
   b) Over 100 quid
   c) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

10. Which of these sentences is appalling:
    a) Off to see the consultant today!!! So excited!!!!!
    b) Gud luck hun sprinkling babydust for ya lol xxx
    c) both of the above

11. How barren are you?
    a) childless and TTC for at least one year
    b) one child and TTC #2 for at least two years
    c) I've been trying for 2 cycles and the wait is driving me mad!

If (c) then the BESH is not the thread for you.

fab/chez I have a quote that I have on my phone to see every day, I saw it around the time of my last mc, I think it was on the berry thread but I can't remember whether it was advice someone gave me, or directed at someone else but it was true to me at the time: Courage does not always roar like a lion. Sometimes it's the small voice that says, 'I will try again tomorrow.'

I feel very much like this at the moment. Just one step in front of the other until June. At that point it's all over from a ttc point of view, no more of this shit to deal with.

I really don't think DCW gets it. It didn't happen, it's disappointing. That seems to be about it. He gave me a hug this morning and said all the supportive things, but I've not seen any emotion from him. I genuinely don't think he sees it the same way. But then he's not been stabbing hormones, shoving them up his arse, or visiting the clinic to have more stabbing and dildocams has he? It's just the same as any other month I'm not pg, only this time in addition to dropping off his deposit with me he had to leave one at the clinic as well. And then hold my hand as they cranked me open to post it in. He's now in the pub. When he asked me earlier what my plans were for the evening I said I think I might have a cry and he looked at me like I was a little crazy. Irony is, I haven't really. I think it's going to hit me like a brick tomorrow.

Lovely quote Barking. So true. I also like:

Never feel ashamed for feeling hurt;
Your Quiet Tears, or Pain.
It is your Freedom to acknowledge what you Feel;
That makes you so Courageous.
Give your self time to Heal.
Sometimes we need our own Time and Space to do that.
If you need to Take Baby steps to Hope and Love;
Take them.
And feel Proud of your own emerging Strength and Faith
Because you are not the Broken Pieces;
You are the Little Steps that bring you back to Light;
Life and Blossoming Joy.

Your assessment of boy hurt resonates. After our BFN ROCH asked what I was crying for. Erm... 'Where do I start' I thought. How is this so nothing for you? It was the emptiness that got me hardest, and the hormone crash when I Stopped the drucks. Watch out for that biting you in the ass.

Gosh the BESHmen are just not holding the side up very well at the moment are they. I've just had about 4 nightmares on a theme of the same thing about trying to get to the clinic on time this morning and having an entirely reluctant TWH screw everything up. Thankfully they were just dreams but clearly am nervous or else I wouldn't be doing this at 4:57 in the morning when I should be in bye-byesland. Can't sleep and am desperately thirsty but it's nil by mouth of course. We will get eggs, we will get eggs....it WILL be ok.

Fab it will be ok. Got everything crossed for you.
I couldn't sleep either (3rd night of that now) and I'm now all snotted up with a fucking cold. Really?!

Good luck today for your respective folks. Salmon of strength for you Barking to get through it and come out the other side. You will be OK.

Fab may the Eggcarying Buntingis be with you this morning, everything crossed for a quality haul.

And then you can both come home and kip with relief and exhaustion. Not sleeping is not good however you look at it.

Good luck Fab!

Barking, how are you doing lovely? ??

So we managed to get 9 eggs to my surprise! Unfortunately TWH's spaff was low on volume for some reason, possibly to do with the fever he had earlier this week, possibly to do with him being poorly with his back problems in November/December and lots of drug taking, but that meant that we've had to go with icsi in the end. We will find out how many have fertilised tomorrow and on Tuesday if there are enough to test for chromosomal abnormalities or whether to go straight to implantation. At the moment I'm feeling relieved we've got eggs and pleased I'm home as I'm shattered! Ready for some quality snoozing, R&R and Thai takeout this evening I think in time for a good menkul in the morning again. But currently I'm just breathing a sigh of relief

Bugger, forgot to say that your support Hags is amazing - you totally keep me going with your wise words and comfort. Luffs you all

Super news, well done Fab!

Great news fab
rain any word from your friend?
chez those words are lovely.

Blood test at the clinic today confirmed no pregnancy happening here. Lovely, lovely nurse said they were very busy at the moment and some weeks were fully booked for nurse appointments and starting IVF, but we've got an appointment with our consultant on the 23rd Feb, and she found a nurse appointment available on the 25th so booked me in, and assuming my cycle is about average I should start the first week of march so she's already booked me in for that as well in case it was full by the time we saw the consultant :).
I am full of a stinking cold today, totally bunged up with a banging headache from blowing my nose so much. You know when you just feel you can't get any luck?! And DCW has decided he thinks it's never going to happen for us. It's always gone wrong before so he doesn't see why it would be any different. I'm hoping the consultant can say something encouraging. He even said maybe we shouldn't skip the last iui in case we look back and regret it. I said doing it twice has almost killed me and I'm not prepared to put myself through it again for such shit odds of success. He said he just wanted his happy wife back. To which I said I wanted my life back . But quitting now wasn't something he would even consider, even though he doesn't think it will work .

Well done, fab. Rest and relax now, being waited on hand and foot!

barking, you are in my thoughts.

I got my arm stuck yesterday for prog and AMH. The phlebotomist was lovely, and explained everything. We shared a laugh about how well informed the women who present for investigations are about the whole process. Himself is in next week, and then consultation about the results at the end of the month. I'm feeling calmer (though that might be because I'm not symptom spotting since there's no 2ww this month), but still quite scared when I think about sitting in the doctor's office getting the news. I wish we could have the results beforehand, to prepare ourselves.

Latest pregnancy announcement: my best friend, whom I love dearly and wish only happiness for, is knocked up with twins. She's thirteen weeks, so things are looking good. She had a miscarriage in late September, so she conceived on the very next cycle! Hags, I am so delighted for her, she's brilliant and strong and stayed so positive after that blow.

There is a small part of me that felt a pang of jealousy and upset though. I had a bit of a cry to Himself, who was very nice about it and didn't make me feel like I was being a bitch. I hate the way this "troubled fertility" makes you feel.

barking, we posted at the same time. It's such a difficult decision. This may be DCW's way of processing his own feelings about it, but you are the one who really has to deal with the full physical and emotional fallout. I wonder whether your consultant might be useful in terms of laying out the pros and cons of another IUI vs IVF - sometimes men (annoyingly) are more likely to "hear" what is being said from an official source.

No hun-hugs, but rather a proper fierce and warrior Hun-squeeze. Be good to yourself over the next few weeks.

I ditto Bad's comment Barking, I think this sounds like it's DCW's way of coping. He wants a baby but he wants to protect you too and hates seeing you hurt and in pain (which is absolutely right of course!). Men do find it harder to express their emotions of course and he probably just feels he doesn't have the right way of saying it so he gets it out any way that he can't even if it does make you feel confused.

I can't help wonder whether the iui just wasn't meant to be this month as it does seem that your body has been fighting one thing after the other for the last couple of weeks. You need to give your body and your head a good rest, maybe have a couple of months off actual ttc and just enjoy life, work, cycling, hanging out with DCW (avoiding the zillions of pregnant friends ) and having sex just for the hell of it so that when it's time to knuckle down to ivf you are ready and raring to go. You've been through a lot and your head could do with a break before doing the ivf I'm sure. Oh and well done in that lovely nurse on getting you booked in, how brilliant

Bad that is PERFECTLY normal! I've had a little cry about most of my friends having babies even when I've been super happy for them, just because it wasn't me. I found it was easier for me to say to them 'I'm super pleased for you and jealous at the same time, I hope you understand' and they were always cool with that. Don't worry about the tests, what will be, will be and you will deal with them in your stride. And the combined wisdom of the BESH is at hand for when you need explanations!

bad without wanting to sound negative, they are most likely to find nothing, and if they do find something it's most likely treatable. ie if you're not ovulating clomid is an easy fix. If the swimmers aren't perfect IVF is your winning ticket. So unless you're super unlucky, any bad news will just be a fixable problem, which in itself is good news. Does that make any sense?

It's officially hit me this morning hags. I am being the depressed and unhappy wife that DCW doesn't want. I said I was going to pull out of the meal on Friday with all the girls - 12 of us, 7 already have a baby or are pg with their 2nd, and those that don't/aren't are the ones I don't know so well anyway. DCW said he thought I should go.

I asked him if he realised that our second baby was due this week. He said no, and he wasn't thinking about it. If only it was that easy. hey?

Some advice please hags. Would you go to the meal? And if you didn't, would you give the reason or just cancel?

And that was post 666.

Barking I think you are right - it would have been a difficult meal for you pre this round of iui and at the moment the reality is that it will just upset you - it's too soon, you are hormonally out of whack and you need to get yourself into a better place before going into the lion's den, so to speak. DCW just doesn't understand at the moment unfortunately and all he's possibly thinking about is that you should go for a night out with the girls - it will cheer you up. Do any of them know your situation? Would a word in the right ear be enough so you would be able to pull out of this event and maybe go out for a night with some non-diffed/child free friends instead so you still get the effect he is looking for which is 'this will make my wife happy'? Have you and he really properly talked about all of this and how it makes you feel? Sometimes we go along assuming that our closest companions know and understand what's going on inside us when the truth is we haven't actually talked about it. I find sometimes that I know I've talked about things (on here or to my sis) but I've actually not talked it out with TWH properly at all so I think he's being unreasonable when I haven't given him a proper chance to be reasonable. That could just be me though! And of course he always wants to instantly fix rather than listen and be supportive. He couldn't understand due dates at all - just couldn't get that it was important at all until we had some stern words and I eventually just said whether you understand it or not it is important and emotional for me so just be bloody supportive and give me a bloody cuddle!

Lol, sign of the devil dude!

Fingers crossed for good fertilisation news this morning Fab!

Barking so glad they can go you moving along to IVF so quickly, what a luffly nurse. DCW's reactions def sound like self preservation. This stuff does awful things to us.

Great to hear you're on the road Bad. A lil bit happy and a lil bit sad at your friend's news is perfectly understandable.

Oh hags, fish slaps please, I've had a day and a night of stressing out like a crazy thing and need some BESHly wisdom. I feel out of control of all of this. It's looming on the horizon but I don't know exactly when and can't come quick enough . I start norehisterone on the 15th, have my scratch on the 25th but no one can tell me when they expect I'll have a bleed, start Progynova or when EC or TX might be. I was originally told end of Feb for TX but this isn't going to happen now by my reckoning. I tried to ring the clinic on Fri but was in meetings and couldn't pick up when they rang back.

My work diary for March is filling up fast with big stressy residential things and somewhere in the midst of it all I'm going to want to shoehorn as close to two weeks off as I can muster without suddenly looking like a nob and rescinding on commitments. These last few weeks have been unsustainably mental; I'm dreaming about work shizzle, v restful, and losing sight of my stuff. I don't think it helps that its coming up to a year ago when we lost my gran and my sis in the same week.

I think what I am trying to say is I'm suddenly feeling tres overwhelmed by life with all this shiz in it. Soz for the rant. Any coping tips hags?

fab I did explain that the hormones meant I was going to be over emotional no matter how I was feeling underneath. Most of the friends do know what's going on. I'd rather go circuit training with DCW than out for that meal with baby talk to be honest!

This made me irrationally angry this morning: A Point of View: Can parents and non-parents ever understand each other? - www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-31149081

I say don't go Barking, I just don't think it will serve you well at this moment to have to add insult to injury and face that crowd. The timing is way off and putting on a brave face just ain't gonna help you. I might give an indication of the reason if I knew them well enough, otherwise not. Something came up, you're very sorry, you'd love to be there, couldn't make it. DCW needs to start understanding how the female of the species works and backing you up on this.

barking, if you don't feel up to it, don't go. Don't mind DCW - in the nicest possible way, he is not understanding how you are feeling. I think this is for sure his way of coping - soldier on, block out, be rational etc - but you have to concentrate on yourself at the moment, and basically allow yourself to feel however you feel. If that's staying and feeling sad and angry then so be it, and for as long as it takes.

If your friends are anything like mine, most of the conversation will be about babies - that's just the way it is. And right now, that might be too hard for you. And that's ok. It won't be forever. Going to this dinner won't bring the "happy wife" back, and you can't get through it by acting like everything's normal. As to what reason for cancelling you should give - I'd be inclined to tell the few you are close to the truth.

(On the "happy wife" thing - don't put yourself under pressure. The good and the bad, right? Like I said, you won't feel like this forever. But you do now.)

And thank you for the comforting words about the tests. I'm trying to be calm, though I have a tendency towards catastrophising in all things.

I was randomly browsing MN yesterday and learnt that this is a 'that takes the biscuit, no comment' symbol. Who knew. And I naively thought it was to go with the brew. As you were.

xpost chez. No helpful advice I'm afraid, just a bucket load of stinky fish to tip over your head and distract you. Not knowing dates is one of the most frustrating things about this process. Will you be able to call in the morning and ask them for advice? We have an annual retreat at work where the entire company goes to a posh hall and we hear about plans for the future and do group activities etc. Management (which includes me) go a day earlier and have meetings all day, then stay overnight. All food and drink is provided and it's the major event of the year. I'm currently predicting it will be around ec/et when I plan to take the 2 weeks off at short notice .

fab do you get news today? I assumed nothing happened on a Sunday! Ooo, good luck .

Oops, fail. Randomly lurking MN. I don't post, except for here in the safe zone!