Remember, Remember, JS in November - no to bum fun, car shagging and worms. Control your stray wombles and windy boobs. Shout WANKBADGERS at the world of TTC and get your cape on for JUST SHAGGING 32!

[DulcetMoans]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

The link to Part 31 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2224162-Step-AWAY-from-the-pissy-sticks-and-get-back-in-the-bedroom-don-your-cape-but-dont-break-his-banjo-string-and-get-yourself-a-bun-in-the-oven-like-Paul-Hollywood-Its-Just-Shagging-31" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2217843-Just-Shagging-Grads-14-Join-the-viroids-for-scanxiety-Toni-Braxtons-a-little-less-JSing-than-usual?" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>. We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Happy shagging, shaggers!

Doctor google just told me it's possible but rare to ice during AF.

Actually hate the depo injection with a passion right now...

Jelly I get heavy agonising af for about 4 (sometimes more) days - then I get up to 6 days of light/spotting any colour from pink cm to brown. My dsis is exactly the same, as was my dm. Its a bitch but not unusual. Exercise seems to help force it through somehow (gravity?). I find walking the only cure.

From the 1st day of af to ov is called the follicular phase (check me out showing off) and can vary from 7 days to about 21 according to "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". I have one friend who swears she oved on day 3 and conceived her twins big fat show off liar bitch but I don't believe her. I think af has to go completely first.

Saying all that I spot on ov day too sometimes ....

jelly I wouldn't worry. Like you say this is only your second AF in years and it's bound to be still a bit fucked up. I was on microgynon for about 14 years without a break and my "periods" were heavier then than since I stopped in July. One period was so light I did a test afterwards just incase it was spotting and I was upduffed. This last one has been more normal but still much lighter than I would have expected given my mother's "wait till you get a real period" comments. Not that she knows I'm TTC, but it must have come up in conversation sometime when generally discussing that stuff.

I would just wait it out like la says.

Cheers guys, I'll wait it out then! Was just a bit of a shock seeing as I thought it was over!

Who would choose to be a woman eh!

kh I checked back and no, the thing about the Fallopian tubes and ovary not being joined wasn't in the lemon video, it was in this one.

Check it out around the 1.40 mark and it says the egg is released into the abdominal cavity and then gets "picked up". Viroids, who knew?! I've always thought they were joined together!

Indigo that is fucking incredible!!!

Tell me about it lemon!

I'm pretty sure I've ovulated today btw...if I donned my cape last night, I should also shag tonight too, right? Just to be sure?

Absolutely lemon. And possibly tomorrow as well just for luck :)

wow that video is amazing!!

yes get on it tonight lemon :) Good luck hun!

Poor DH

My Preseed and new thermometre (to replace my faulty piece of shit other one) have arrived. Gonna give those little swimmers a bit of extra nourishing from now on (still slightly concerned that I'm helping the shit ones but never mind).

I just loved the video lemon put up and learned so much from it. It's actually made me a bit more chilled out about the BFN's, as I've come to appreciate more how fucking difficult it is to get a sperm to the egg! I mean 300 million start out and by the time they reach the egg the sperm scientist said there may be 2 or 3, or maybe even a single sperm. And seeing how many things can go wrong, from bad timing to bad luck, it's no wonder you've only got a 20% chance. Watching the chromosomes meet and the DNA mingle together was magic!

So I'm a bit more patient when it comes to waiting for that ubersperm now but not that fucking patient, hurry up BFP

Lemon - yes. Shag away :)

Jelly Depo fucked with my cycles as well, but they've settled down now. Until all the pregnancies/BFing/MCs fucked them up again. Lord help our normal hormones. Having said that, my usual AF was 7-8d and a proper bitch - think fainting on the toilet floor multiple times. Not pleasant!

Tink - keep shagging. I must have iced late this time around, the maths doesn't make sense otherwise. Of course I don't keep a check on these things, so feel free to ignore me . But my philosophy of JSing until the bitch flies in seems to have done a job.

chat you mean you don't use contraband? Hold the bus!

Blimey Chat that sounds awful. I've always thought myself lucky that I had easy cycles, but I couldn't imagine passing out because of it!

It's true. Am a true JSer

Jelly, it's why I went on the depo...and why when on the pill I would run at least three packs together. Couldn't hack them more than four times a year! I would say it's why I BF for so long, but that was more a combination of my laziness and DD's love of the boobs

EWCM ALERT!!! Or is it old spunk??? Who knows any more?!

Lemon i always find I have an EWCM like substance the day after DTD, I assume it's just solidifying jizz soup?

I feel so sorry for you Chat. 3 days of heavy AF was enough to make me want to give up entirely lol! Now it's just teasing me with pinky cm!

Roll up, roll up, come and get your old jizz soup!

Bags of it over here. Gross.

jelly I have AF for 7 days including 1-2 days spotting. I had proper light bleed for 7 weeks and drs weren't interested. if u are spotting you can probably ov but not during AF as prog levels are still falling then.

lemon ewcm doesn't absorb into tissue but jizz soup does. that's how u tell the difference.

Hang on, Chat, I totally missed that- you used to pass out??? Fuck! Did people used to find you in the bogs, or would you come round by yourself quite quickly? That just have been really scary!

Lil that sounds like some seriously expert advice, thank you

Thanks Lil :) I guess it's just not what I'm used to that's causing me the worry!

Hi Viroids (shuffles back in)

Have perked myself up from wallowing. Thanks so much for all the kind thoughts & MN hugs, you guys are fucking ace . CP is confirmed so now hoping my cycle is not too chuffed up.

So now have a crazy catch up on this Fred as it’d moved so goddamn fast! Here goes…

Welcome Spuffy, sorry but also a Buffy fan & hope this is a tenuous link! Number, Middle & Clueless

I told my Dad & sis about TTC. We are pretty close - in fact sis is my best friend and we get AF on the same day CP dependant now. They’ve been great about it but also aren’t the types to ask all the time ‘so….any news…?!?!’ which would piss me off. If it comes up –like at work, wankers—I just say we’re not there yet.

La your neighbour needs to get over your cats, that’s what they do & if it wasn’t your it’d be someone elses. And I fecking love your mums elephant, it’s gorgeous…I want one for me…

Chat I too would like to come & live with you. I cannot cross stich (your present for your friend is beautiful – she’ll need a Kleenex when she gets it!) or knit but I’m not a bad baker or preserver. Lemon Drizzle cake, Triple Choc brownies, blackberry jam & red onion marmalade are my specialities…oh and sausage rolls

Bat echo everyone else re worrying about TTC, most peeps have no issues so don’t worry about that & just make sure you’re getting your baby freak on enough/at the right time. In the meantime you/we all get MN fun times

Tink GX with the soy, you & honey really do deserve it this month with all that JSing! Also Tink damn you & your food porn!!! I am now ready to eat all the food. And sure a good ‘fanny licking’ is ok if he doesn’t dribble too much it finished you off?

Lil thanks for explaining the IVF process, it’s fascinating, GX you get a sneaky BFP in first but really excited for you.

Gaggia you are not a dick or a duck, what is it with men boys. Fecking Cunthawk. Your tart tuppence has really made me chuckle. And please don’t put any herbs up your chuff.

Wow Jelly you’ve done really well with the 5:2, tip of the cap at your willpower. I think I’m going get back on Clean & Lean next in a last minute effort to be healthy slimmer for Crimbo or to be more realistic limit the damage it will do

Bollicle follicle? WTF? Not seen this now legendary thread but I too love a bit of filth & a squeeze of anything DH has produced…what is sporn?! Never heard of it?? Sick porn? I seem to be getting ingrown hairs in my bikini line delicious, I know as I had a Hollywood earlier this year & fully believe coming of BC has given me a denser bush…not sure if there’s any actual science in this but I swear there’s more there…

Aina when will you get your results back from your bloods?

KH your DH needs to understand where his boys are needed…well for some of the month anyway. I can suck all day long & it doesn’t do the job for Mr Noniks, so it’s more foreplay for us.

Thanks for the educational vids Lemon, they are amazing! Mental how it all works. Lemon, get shagging that’s EWCM. Yum.

Indigo thanks to you too for the vids – you sound science intrigued like me I may just be nosy. Check out Mr Indigo & his libido -are you ever mean to him by muttering filthy words in company?

Congrats to Fleur & Number cheeky kittens!