Remember, Remember, JS in November - no to bum fun, car shagging and worms. Control your stray wombles and windy boobs. Shout WANKBADGERS at the world of TTC and get your cape on for JUST SHAGGING 32!

[DulcetMoans]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

The link to Part 31 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2224162-Step-AWAY-from-the-pissy-sticks-and-get-back-in-the-bedroom-don-your-cape-but-dont-break-his-banjo-string-and-get-yourself-a-bun-in-the-oven-like-Paul-Hollywood-Its-Just-Shagging-31" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2217843-Just-Shagging-Grads-14-Join-the-viroids-for-scanxiety-Toni-Braxtons-a-little-less-JSing-than-usual?" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>. We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Happy shagging, shaggers!

la I don't think my arse rain ever stopped since I was pg. Hope it fucks off for both of us soon.

noniks how the devil are you? We miss yoooooooo!

I have spoken to Noniks, she is alive. I hope she'll be back soon.

Indigo I'm pretty shit at temping but the rise & cm & positive opks did all seem to agree. I am trying to be better at temping starting today! And seeing as how we were shagging pretty much every day, even if I was a day out there should be plenty of sperm around and about. GX this month is the one.

Tink that sounds amazing! Food porn is the best porn.

La you poor thing. Sounds sucky. I get arse rain a lot too. Between you, me and Gaggia we could probably be responsible for some pretty extreme arse weather. Torrential rain, if not a typhoon?

oh oh oh! and me!! i get arse rain a lot too!! so definitely more towards a typhoon!?

Glad someones spoke to noniks and that shes alive. much hugs to her!
x

Ok Viroids, I have been given the answer to the full of sperm 'cumundrum':

a lot of the sperm get killed in the vagina because of it's acidity and a lot of then don't make it into the uterus in the first place. Only a few will make it to your Fallopian tubes and they will bury themselves into the beds of the Fallopian tubes and wait for the egg

Interesting. I thought that as you came closer to ovulation your vagina stopped being so acidic to make it a more suitable enviornment for the sperm?

So you're saying my Cum Soup consists of dead soldiers??? What a waste

Also, why is my vagina acid? Is my body conspiring against me?

Also, whilst we're on the subject, who adheres to the no blow jobs before shagging rules? Poor DH's Rod of Disaster needs a little encouragement some days! Is my saliva really that acidic - and does it matter that much if my fanjo is also?

Apparently it's mother nature's way of making sure only the best sperm make it...

tink simply don't give him a blow job....ever... my dp is lucky to get one while we are ttc.

Good heavens I hope my tuppence isn't too tart for the soldiers.

I don't adhere to that tink although it has crossed my mind. don't think DH would be quite so compliant at all the shagging if we stopped that altogether, either way round! he was even complaining the other day how long it's been since he had one to the finish. did point out that wasn't where i needed his soldiers way but he was still sulking lol!

may implement a ban in a few months if nothings happened before then.....

my question is - i've read that if you only have one Fallopian tube (as indeed i have) that sometimes the months you ovulate from that side the other Fallopian tube will still pick it up - this is blagging my head - HOW?!!?

crying at Good heavens I hope my tuppence isn't too tart for the soldiers

love that gaggia!!! that could be my excuse to DH, "sorry dear, i can't suck your knob it will make my tuppence too tart!"

Good to hear Noniks is alive, do tell her we're all thinking of her.

Honey I'm fully expecting your exploits this month to offer some reward.

Hope all the arse rain stops soon - me, I'm only contributing wind to this meteorological phenomenon

Erm, not sure if I can get him going in times of desperation with out the old blow job to fall back on. I don't let him finish in my gob (I am a laydee). I just get him upright and then climb aboard. It cant do much harm surely?

Poor man struggles. FFS he asked me for a splint last night, then escaped at fuck knows what time this morning no doubt to avoid my advances. This combined with his "sex pest" comments of yesterday and i'm suddenly feeling like he deserves a blow job. I never thought id hear myself say that.

tinkerblue hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
A penis splint - that's a good idea for Dragon's Den.
There will be millions of Mumsnet OH's buying them!!

i'd buy one!!! lol!

Oh, that Tart Tuppence has to make the next Fred. I'm crying!

Am watching the Great Sperm Race research, you know, not at all slacking off work and they've just said that each testicle produces 1000 sperm with every heartbeat! That is a fuckload (literally) of sperm!!!!

My DP has the opposite problem, even sideboob causes him to pitch a tent the size of buckingham palace!

Although, I told him I would be up for a shag when we got home and his response was "but I want to sleep...we aren't doing this JUST to make a baby are we?"...

Have you considered violence jelly? I find threats useful. I concur with Dulcets advice from the other day - don't cry...

So seeing as we already "went there" what about fanny licking? Does saliva have the same effect when reversed?

(another vote here for the TART TUPPENCE fred title. Gaggia you have quite the way with words

I've considered violence, and threats. He's more focused on his video game he gets to stay up all night playing!

No idea on the cunning-linguist saliva tink, I assume he's not going to reach into your cervix so should be fine IMO!

Apparently we should be having sex every 2 days, not every day! If you do it every day there isn't enough sperm... the best advice is every 48hrs, but no longer than 72hrs.

Thank you for the offer lemon but i'm having enough trouble shagging my husband at the moment.. And certainly not every 48 hours. I. am. not. a. slag.

haha Tink i thought the same thing lol!

My doctor told me 3 times a week is sufficient to ensure when you do ovulate your egg will be surrounded by healthy sperm. Sadly I don't get to do it 3 times a month at the moment!

Reading up on TTC stats Lemon?