Remember, Remember, JS in November - no to bum fun, car shagging and worms. Control your stray wombles and windy boobs. Shout WANKBADGERS at the world of TTC and get your cape on for JUST SHAGGING 32!

[DulcetMoans]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

The link to Part 31 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2224162-Step-AWAY-from-the-pissy-sticks-and-get-back-in-the-bedroom-don-your-cape-but-dont-break-his-banjo-string-and-get-yourself-a-bun-in-the-oven-like-Paul-Hollywood-Its-Just-Shagging-31" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2217843-Just-Shagging-Grads-14-Join-the-viroids-for-scanxiety-Toni-Braxtons-a-little-less-JSing-than-usual?" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>. We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Happy shagging, shaggers!

On my list this year is a puppy, as with every year for the past 34 years possibly 32 as I couldn't write before that

I had a horse on it then I got my horse, now I want my horse back :(. Waaaah! Going to see him soon

gaggia glad arse has repaired. Cunthawk might be pretty?

Tired La, off to bed. God I'm dull

If love to get near Mr Las spots but he doesn't let me it's so selfish!!!!

you lot are odd. just very odd.

I have to wait until DH is asleep in order to have a go at his bacne.

Yy to sporny soulmates Gaggia! This August I had the best spot ever. It was this solid as a rock, perfectly round boil, on my fanjo flap! No whitehead though, it was so deep it was purple. I was in a hotel room so I used a needle from the little hotel sewing kit and lanced it, which only sort of worked. When I squeezed it burst properly with a satisfying 'thut' and cheesy, bloody pus literally rained from it like a fountain. Whenever I am sad I think of my spot and it cheers me up.

was it a follicle bollicle like katos lemon?

Katos famous bollicle follicle. Still legendary on MN!

I do love squeezing spots

Urgh that made me feel sick lemon!! I'm a bit squeamish over that stuff (but will happily discuss CM, AF and sperm!!).

Ainat what BC were you on? Tink was right, I was on the Depo injection for 5 year and came off back in Feb this year. AF only returned last month (the day after my DP proposed to me haha).

la I want a puppy so bad. I can't decide if I'm more broody for a baby or a puppy!! It's terrible!

Also, what the hell is a cunthawk? I googled this and can't find it!?!

Arf at part of your search history being 'cunthawk'! Will let Gaggia explain for maximum accuracy and giggles, as I came to the story late.

Lil, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I didn't know about Kato's bollicle, but have just found the thread and am settling in for a glorious read.

Ha ha ha you googled Cunthawk!!!! Sorry jelly but that made me laugh! Hope no one checks your history

haha jelly I think cunthawk is just gaggia's name for it! cos she reeeaaaallllyyyyy doesn't want it!!!

I asked DH the other day if I could have a puppy he said "puppy or baby?" bastard!! I lost my boy early last year and still miss him every day!!
I also have had pussy boils! had some really satisfying bursts and some quite embarrassing ones (burst in my colleagues new car as I was too sore to drive and it looked like I'd pee'd myself! mortified!!) my best friend had to have 2 cut out of the top of her inner thigh back in September cos they were that big!! gross!!!

jelly that's fucking hilarious, please tell me it's not a joke, and if it was just pretend you actually did for maximum comedy effect.

lemon you are horrific!!

la "all my waxing" entails fanny (including bum crack), legs, eyebrows and armpits. I have the most super beautician and it hardly hurts at all. No kidding!

lil this IVF shit is really exciting, I'm so excited on your behalf! So do they just put the embryo in there and let it burrow in itself? They don't push it into the lining? Do you know how they get the sperm to go into the egg in the lab? If the spermies are lazy, do they force one in, or just put them and an egg in a petri dish (in my head this is what happens) and wait for one to go for the jugular?

Sorry Indigo! I should have sounded the sporn klaxon really, as a warning before posting that. I figured that we'd covered anal, fisting, churches and OPK seagull guardians, so we could probably venture into sporn

All that waxing for £25?! That's a bargain! I'm paying £20 for just a short back and sides.

don't upset la lemon no such thing as seagulls!

enjoy bollicle thread, its class.

jelly omg you googled it! what results did you get back

indigo forgot that bit! lol! for normal ivf the put sperm and eggs in a Petri dish or whatever they use and let them get in with it. dh has shit morphology (shape) and shit motility (swimming ability) so we are having icsi which means they inject one sperm into each egg. the needle is 1/10th of the width if a human hair!! I was like whaaaaaattt!

I kind of am excited about it. I'm totally convinced its going to work which I'm not sure is a good thing, further to Falk and all that. and I'm not even too worried about injecting myself atm. dh is struggling a bit more than me. says he feels guilty I have to go thru it because of his issue.

oh and I pay £27 just for the Hollywood!

pis it's a special waxing package that you can get it you go every four weeks. It's incredibly reasonable I've only been getting waxed for a few years, to begin with the idea terrified me, not just the thought of the pain, but sitting in my pants in front of a stranger! Now I'm a pro and have graduated from having the usual landing strip, to just getting the lot off which I've had probably for the last six months. Feel like a diva actually I'm a dirty outside job person who's not ladylike at all waxing is so good for my self esteem. There's something about having a tidy fanny that boosts my confidence!

God dammit i lost a lovely long sporn post. Oh wells!

I love sporn. I get loads of boils due to lupus so I'm a pro. The long range ones are favourite. I never lance though, just wait them out. Sometimes they burst without me noticing and i get all disappointed i missed it.

I couldn't get a fanjo wax. Because of all the boils my skin is very delicate there.... Can't imagine.... It'd rip it all off! Ouchie!

just had a read of the follicle bollicle! wow kato just wow!!!! x

that last five mins reading of this Fred had me lolling! Off to read Katos thread!

Katos thread is one of the funniest things I've ever read. This is why we love her!

Too right lil seagulls, pah!

Lil I'm very excited for you, this has been such a long time coming! We are both going to be mummies in 2015 I can feel it!

I googled mucus plug earlier. I'd recommend you don't. Just don't...

I'm awake early again! Like clockwork! Indulges in another pissy stick and now reading MN with a big gassy belly. Lovely!

Anyone remember zenry/something? She's also I'm labour. She's where the 'shagging like something' came from as she shagged something ridiculous like 20 times the month she got bfp

I just get fanjo waxed I don't have obvious hairy legs as I'm blonde. It's £10 for short back n sides

morning viroids.

so I'm sitting at the hospital waiting for the blood tests bit to open. I'm the 7th person here so should get number 7 when they open. If I don't get to work by half 8 I'm in trouble...

I feel stressed. probably not best right before a blood test.

Ah I feel silly now lol to be fair the results were fairly tame, mostly just pictures of people and vagina's! Oops!

DP has got 3 weeks off work from today. Fucker!

Also didn't get cape on last night because I fell asleep lol. How shit am I???