Step AWAY from the pissy sticks and get back in the bedroom, don your cape (but don't break his banjo string!) and get yourself a bun in the oven like Paul Hollywood! It's Just Shagging 31!

[Leela5]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!  PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.  Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

The link to Part 30 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2210024-The-Truth-about-Um-Bongo-Broken-Penises-and-Sad-Fleas-its-all-here-just-dont-talk-about-the-Elephant-in-the-Womb-Pee-on-Nigel-Farage-or-in-a-Thermos-and-Join-the-Bonkers-Bonkers-for-JS-30" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2217843-Just-Shagging-Grads-14-Join-the-viroids-for-scanxiety-Toni-Braxtons-a-little-less-JSing-than-usual?msgid=50290589#50290589" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

Honey, that looks great! And I hate fruit cake as well, horrible stuff!

I hate christmas pudding and fruit cake. Honestly not fussy though.

Aargh I did stats too La, dullest subject in existence.

What does everyone want for Christmas? (I figure since it's November I can mention the C word?).

Sorry Honey, not ignoring your decoration, I just can't see it on the app.

Wilma you are so rude. How dare you.

Fatty thank you. So glad i am not alone in the fruit cake hate. Christmas can be hard, y'know? Everyone pressuring you to conform.

Our Christmas is very strait forward every year: Christmas Eve at the inlaws, first Christmas day at my mum, second Christmas day at my dad (yes, we have two Christmas days, not Christmas day and Boxing day). And we usually go out with DH's friends for dinner on the 27th.

Kill. Kill. Kill.

Who are we killing?

Is it me for not commenting on your decoration?

We used to have 2 christmas days when we were kids. Used to have one on New Year's day at my gran's. Loved it!

Nice decs honey just bought the good food magazine and there is a recipe for what looks like a Xmas pud, but when you cut into it it's actually red velvet cake and ice cream in the middle. To die!

Thanks for the new Fred la gx it brings you some much deserved luck!

wil if I said a food processor would I be outcast from jsers?

I just want Christmas to be here, not thought about gifts. We usually do gifts at Sinterklaas, so probably I'll just get something small at Christmas.

Nah Wil, my cat is murdering a feather. They really need to sort out the app photo issue.

We are having a "make it" Christmas. Knitting needles at the ready!

Ooh, I like knitting!

Oh haha there was a photo? Yeah, I feel like I'm missing out.

Are you Dutch Fatty? I don't think I remembered knew that.

Food processor is definitely allowed, especially if it increases the amount of food porn we indulge in.

Oh my god I am so crap at crafts. A 'make it' Christmas would be the worst idea in our family.

Yup, Dutchie here.

Crafty Christmas does have a get out clause as sibling is paralysed. Though they do wicked paintings (brush in mouth) so no excuse really!
Fatty I did not know that! I have been once... We went to Centre Parcs 16 years ago near... Well, it sounds like "scht hogan bosch" if you can figure that out. My grand father was bring reunited with a family he'd had contact with in the war. Had to wear a certain colour and stand in a particular location, etc etc. Really lovely family.

Hahaha, honey, you probably mean 's Hertogenbosch.

I was on Amsterdam near Christmas once it was great - they had Sinterklaas giving out gifts from a boat on canal.

We are very unexciting at Christmas but I love it. I'm a nightmare though - vegetarian and don't like Christmas pudding.

I might try to make some decorations this year.

Right - need to put makeup on and go out

I'm knitting right now! I'm going to make felt handwarmers as Christmas gifts as I have loads of felt to use up. you fill them with rice then they can go in microwave to heat up. I'll find link if anyone is interested.

Thanks fatty! I was pretty damn close considering it was over a decade ago!

Lil what are you knitting?

Evening all! I was barely present on the last fred and here's another one already, eep. Stats:

Name: glidingpig
Age: 30
TTC: June 2014, cp Aug 2014
DCs: 4yo DD

Frustrating month here. Was ill at what should have been icing time, and had EWCM but not many of the usual symptoms - tho was painkillered up to the hilt so might have missed ov pains. Managed a couple of shags but that was all. Now AF is two days late, but getting BFNs, and no symptoms of anything other than slight cramps. Not even sure if I iced or not.

We reckon that if it doesn't take this month we're going to take a break and start trying again in Jan. I want to know if it hasn't worked, damn it.

welcome back gliding!

honey did you see that knit n stitch mag? well i subscribed to it so have about 100 squares to knit/crochet. doing the knitted ones first as I'm not so good at crochet!

Waiting is the worst gliding, welcome back though. We will wait it out with you.

I get the pressure to conform all the time honey as I don't like cake. Work and friends always trying to give me cake then it's all 'oh you are good' - I'm not being good, I don't like it! DH gets it with bacon too. People can't understand he doesn't like it.

Oh, know a nice recipe with pannetone if anyone is interested. Needs a lot of space in the freezer though.

You've all inspired me to pick up my crochet again. I will finish this pissing blanket!

MN - let me see photos on the app too! And upload them. So many cat pics to be shared!

You don't like... cake....? Sorry I don't understand.

Does anyone actually like Christmas pudding? The only person I have ever known to eat it is my mum.

Ah! I prefer to chrochet as it is faster than knitting. Unless you are using giant 10mm needles!

Lil is that one of those "next part each week" thing? I always think they look interesting but they usually say "5.99, complete in 1,000,000 issues", and i do the maths and change my mind! I buy "Lets Get Crafting: Knit and Chrochet" a few times a year instead.

All people who use the app... Why? I just use the mobile site. Its great. Open on your phone browser then scroll all the way down and click "mobile version". (Don't mean to patronise!)