TTC after MC - the best shit place to be!

[Treaclepie19]

The Rules...

(1) A lady may only POAS on a Friday.
(2) Friday means the day that everyone calls Friday in the time zone where you spent the night.
(3) Rule (1) does not apply to POA-OPK-S, UNLESS they are being illegitimately used as surrogate HCG detectors, in which case Rule (1) most definitely does apply
(4) Rule (1) does not apply following a BFP because if you want to waste £25 a day POADigiS that's your prerogative
(5) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady is POAS in an attempt to get a BFN to prove she can start DTD with intent
(6) Rule (1) does not apply if a lady wants for unknown reason to pee on an actual stick, like a twig or some such, if that lady is unexpectedly caught short whilst tramping in the forest looking for bears.
(7) These rules (including Rule (1)) are subject to the change at any time if the ladies of the Posifrickentivity thread decide on a whim come up with empirical evidence to prove that it is luckier to POAS on any other day of the week
(8) Violators of Rule (1) shall be subject to fish throwing.

And as a grand finale, why not pledge to NEVER POAS before 14DPO?

broody comments like that really annoy me too. I want to shout 'DONT YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE!'
My SIL has a 3 week old and every FB status is 'So stressed', 'So tired', 'Urgh why did i have a baby'. Drives me mad.

Chasing i know, she could very well have had a loss. It's so sad so many do :( it's irrational i know. How are you?

daisy so pleased your boss was understanding. I was due to start a part time job a couple of days after my mc. They've been so understanding and lovely which has made it a tiny bit easier.

My DP is always up for it, i'm the one who needs to talk myself into it. Although that's not hard at the moment. It's sad it's a means to an end though.

I'm currently wallowing in a bubble bath and have sent DH downstairs with instructions to so do whatever is needed to get him in the mood.

We're laughing about it now, fingers crossed we can keep it lighthearted.

OPK was even darker today so I'm not about to take a night off.

Think sexy thoughts, think sexy thoughts, think sexy thoughts

Bloody well get off mumsnet and concentrate on thinking sexy thoughts

Ohh newera. My love. :(

I am sorry. I am on the flip side (or have been previously) dh has a much higher sex drive. There were times when I honestly thought I'd quite happily go without sex forever. I just wasn't fussed. I'd be careful not to wear sexy pj's to bed etc I knew it hurt dh, frustrated him. But I couldn't bring myself to care enough to change. I didn't know how to change it.

Somehow with ttc meaning we have to do it regularly, my sex drive is naturally creeping up. It still more often than not feels like I'm using him for his swimmers and it's tiring effort but it's getting better.

Now dh is freaked out by mc and the methotrexate. And I'm feeling. .. I guess a bit of what he's felt alot and what you feel now. I feel.awful that I rejected him so much.

Just popping in to day hello and I'm so sad to read so many heartbreaking things have happened recently.

I'm so so sorry for you cake, life is cruel at time. X

chasing you've really been through it too, how are you doing? Was it def an ectopic pregnancy?

newera now I know where I know you from. Sorry to hear you're having an emotionally tough time. Hugs. Xx

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time newera. Ttc is very stressful, made more so after a mc. Only you know about your relationship but my advice would be to try and remember that actually you are both going through one of the most stressful thing that couples can experience so go easy on each other. Have you considered couples counselling? My friend is a trained counsellor with Relate and hearing her talk about her work makes me realise how complicated relationships are, whether we realise it or not. I'd definitely try it if dp and I went through a rough patch.

Af imminent here I reckon.

Monten I hope you're wrong about AF!

Bloods tomorrow. Arghhhh

Hope everyone is ok today. Not sure if this is the right thread to post this on or not but I'm having such a hard time today. We should have been going for our 12 week scan today and it breaks my heart we aren't able to. Now I'm sat at work having to listen to people talk about a person they know who has just had a baby, all the measurements etc and don't know where to put myself :( not only that, I've had a fall out with my OH last night which is so unusual for us, still not speaking this morning and I think he has totally forgot about the scan :( Just want to bury my head in the sand.

amyyy this is absolutely the righ place to post.

I'm struggling with every little milestone too and I'm sure everyone in here feels the same. I'd deleted all the calendar reminders that I'd set but it didn't really help. I don't need to check anywhere to know that I would have been 25 weeks on Saturday.

I wouldn't worry about rowing, he'll be grieving in his own way. I had to chat with my DH and tell him that I'd actually feel better to see him sad, or for him to say how disappointed we was when we AF arrived last month. He thought he should be strong and positive for me.

North So sorry you have had to go through this too :(

I've done the same, although I was so excited with the pregnancy I signed up to so many pregnancy sites. I keep getting emails and then the other day had a baby name book sent out :( I will know for next time what not to do!!

I think he is the same as your DH, he is one of those men that doesn't talk about feelings. The only time I have seen him upset in 4 years is the day we found out we had lost the baby. Its like he gave himself one day to grieve in front of me and then got himself back to normal. We are gunna have to get things out in the open this weekend.

Oh girls. It's hard isn't it. I had a very similar upset with dh last night. He found it hard to connect to the baby/pregnancy until I was 20 wks with our dd. So he hadn't really done so this time either and then it was over. He said he feels sad but he us finding my upset and the hospital stuff more upsetting. Where as I feel like just drowning in my sadness.

Are you guys ok? I'm soo worried that it will show the injection hasn't worked tomorrow

Chasing very hard indeed :( I hope I don't sound selfish because I know we both lost a child, I just feel like because it was my body and I had to suffer through the medical management and I have to see the tests still showing positive that he just doesn't understand how upset I still am. I know I need to talk to him about this but then if he is grieving silently I don't want to upset him by bringing it up. Plus the fact any mention of the baby has me crying and that doesn't help the matter.

Enough about me though, I must have missed a couple of pages, I didn't hear about your injection? Was that to do with your hcg levels? Hope you're ok x

I've been posting on the soy thread as I wanted to try a low dose this cycle to see if I could delay OV to (hopefully) get a stronger, better egg.

Well would you believe it seems to have worked and I am on track to OV tomorrow, cd13!! If my LP stays at 14 days (with the help of vit B6) I should have a 27 day cycle this month!! Four months ago it was 23 days!! So I am grinning like a Cheshire Cat about that.

DP and I made a bit of headway last night actually post our difficult sex chat. He admits that sometimes he wants to jump me but is almost too polite to do so. He was in a long term relationship through his 20's and 30's where sex was not of interest to his ex partner and he got used to it being a bit sterile and occasional. I on the other hand want to swing from the chandelier in a g-string, so I think he finds my mindset quite alien. Anyway he has promised it will improve, we shall see.

Amy I really don't think there's such a thing as selfishness in loss. Your feelings are your own and when I was sobbing alone in bed thinking about this last night I thought, even women who have suffered exactly the same aren't feeling exactly the same because those are such individual feelings, we feel them/interpret them/handle them different. People can try to understand and some have more insight or recognise it better themselves but essentially we are the only person working through it in the way that we are. The same way, that if we were probably fully honest with ourselves, we can't fully understand how our partners are feeling either.

It's easy to feel alone, I think.

I kept thinking 'how can he feel like that.. how can he not feel like we lost a baby'?

And I think he was probably feeling a bit shit that he couldn't place his emotions and feeling guilty.

Anyways. This rambling mess ..I think I just mean .. its soooo personal. So many faces to this nightmare we are going through. We've lost our babies. Our dreams. . Our plans.. Some hope. We lost privacy and ownership of our body while we gave it up to medical professionals we had no choice but to trust. We lost trust in our bodies. Betrayed. We have uncertainty and hurt we have no way of knowing when will ease or when we might finally become mothers (again, in my case).. and all while facing the world.

It's shit and it's hard and I don't think there's an easy or right way. Sometimes there doesn't even feel like there is a 'way' ??we just keep plodding on because the world doesn't stop for us, even though it should.

Huge hugs for everyone.

Chasing Thank you hun that's made me feel better. Its sad but it feels a bit less lonely to know someone else understands this whole mess.

Hey ho, you're right.. keep plodding on. I know everything will get a little less raw as time goes on, just need some patience!

hugs xx

Good luck NewEra ! Fx x

newera keeping it all crossed for you and glad you got things out in the open with dp.

Completely agree with chasing, loss is such a personal thing and that's why it's so easy to feel alone. Even if you do meet people who have been through something similar they won't feel exactly like you. Also our dp/dh's process things very differently and they often seem to be getting on with life when they're actually feeling their own personal sort of grief and not wanting to burden us with it. Also it is a different experience for them, they haven't physically experienced the loss or the hormones and it is so very hard for them to know what to say or how to feel. My dh explained to me after our mmc that he just felt so helpless as there was nothing he could do to protect me or ease my pain. He felt guilty and shouldn't have done.

Milestones and dates are so bloody hard to cope with. After the funeral on Monday, I felt a kind of relief but then the next day was back to crushing feelings of sadness. I realised I should've been 30 weeks pregnant, not at our beautiful boy's funeral. Then I realised I've spent 37 weeks of this year pregnant, 10 weeks before mmc then 27 weeks with our little boy. I feel so bloody angry when I hear of others moaning about being pregnant etc, I will probably end up shouting in someone's face soon, but I guess that's better than punching them! We have seen a psychologist attached to the neonatal unit and so far it's been good for us to just talk to someone totally neutral but who has seen others go through this experience of grieving. Dh has opened up a lot in these sessions and we have been reminded that being open with each other, even if it's to share anger or have a shout, is going to be so important going forwards. The worse thing you can do is keep things in, however hard it is to let them out.

I'm rambling now but just wanted to say that loss and grief is so hard and tiring to deal with, all we can do is cling to one another during these hard days and hope for better days ahead.

Xxx

Hey cake.

I'm not surprised you are feeling angry. I think we often are so trained to act appropriately socially that we repress our emotions. But when they are so raw I can think if nothing harder. And it's not good hide them. They are there are deserved to be felt. It's part of the process. You sound an incredibly strong woman cake. But even the strongest of person would whimper at what you are suffering. I so hope that some day in the near future you have little breaks of happiness, little moments of laughter and freedom. And that slowly they become more frequent, so that each day forward isn't to tiring for you. Xx

Cake thank you. Pleased to hear counselling is helping you. Hope you are doing as good as can be after what you've been through? xx

I think the only way forward is to talk to my OH this weekend, tell him how I'm feeling and ask to him to tell me how he is feeling. I've been feeling so awful all morning but he has been in touch to ask how I am, although he still hadn't realised about the scan today but I've since told him. I should have been waiting to be seen now and it hurts so bad I just want a cuddle :(

Sorry to bring the thread down to misery, I guess I just don't have anyone in RL who has been through this.

Also, I was told by my therapist it might help us to name our baby and have a memorial place like a plant in the garden or something like that. Has anyone else? I'm torn between thinking it would be nice to have a quiet area to go and think about the baby or whether it would just remind me of the bad times every time I would see it.

It's difficult. I think about doing something similar. But worry if we went on to have more mc and no baby I'd have a pretty garden but it would fill me with sadness.

But then if I had another baby, something to remember the one we lost seems so nice.

When you and OH are talking stuff over Amy, ask him what he thinks. There's no rush and you can plant something when you are ready.

I think I might get a necklace or ring. Somthing I can wear when I need to remember? ??but isn't always there in my face if you know what I mean?

Chasing That's such a lovely idea. I was worried that I'm not such a great gardener and that if the plant happened to die I may look too much into it, but jewellery is a great idea.

Yeah I will ask him over the weekend and see what he thinks.

xx

Amy that hasn't even crossed my mind... I would most definitely kill it off with my appalling gardening skills.

I'll stick with jewellery

Hugs to everyone who needs them today.

Amyy DH and I had similar problems after the mc that still come up now occasionally. When I was asked to do the evaluation for work of my first two weeks (which was when I had the mc) I came home crying and I said to him "they want me to evaluate the first 2 weeks of my job" and he said "i'm guessing thats a bad thing..?" Needless to say, I went mental saying how could you forget, its like you didn't even care, etc etc but actually when we talked about it later (and i'd calmed down) he explained he really didn't mean to forget its just for him he doesn't connect it with my job like I do, he remembers different things of those 2 weeks and we had a chat about that and there's things that set him off just the same as me. I think its so important to keep communication open and honest because usually, even if you're displaying it in different ways, the feelings inside are the same. I think men also feel they need to be the strong one in this situation, and I know my DH was trying to not be upset because he didn't want to upset me more but then I thought he wasn't upset at all and then that upset me more! I would have a good chat this weekend and you've always got all of us here to cheer you up and keep you going :)

Cake I'm glad to hear the counselling is helping. I'm not surprised you feel angry about other moaning about pregnancy, well done on the restraint I would've hit one by now for sure Hope you and your DP have got lots of RL support. Sending you lots of hugs

chasing I really hope the results of your bloods tomorrow go well, let us know. What time is your appointment?

Newera Yay to your longer cycles! Does the soy help to bring ovulation back to when it should be? Since the mc i've been ovulating on day 19/20 when I used to ovulate between days 10 - 13

Lol me too!

Also, I bought a little heart charm for my charm bracelet with babys birthstone in. That way it reminds me but its not like I see it all the time as its amongst lots of my other charms and no one singles it out and asks about it :)

Daisy the charm bracelet sounds like a beautiful idea. As my miscarriages were really early I don't feel the need to commemorate them but if they were later I absolutely would do the charm bracelet idea.

Actually soy probably would work to bring your cycles back into line but honestly, if you are young and healthy I would give your body three natural cycles to get back in line again before you tried anything else.