The Truth about Um Bongo, Broken Penises and Sad Fleas - it's all here, just don't talk about the Elephant in the Womb! Pee on Nigel Farage (or in a Thermos), and Join the Bonkers Bonkers for JS 30!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others.

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!

PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!

TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development!

The link to Part 29 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/a2198677-Jizz-in-your-eyes-raining-out-of-your-arse-or-just-feeling-boggin-Come-and-join-the-JSers-for-fun-and-frolics-And-some-of-them-drooling-over-Ian-McShane-whoever-he-may-be-Its-Just-Shagging-29" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/a2202292-Just-Shagging-Grads-thread-No-13-for-upduffed-viroids" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

La How the frig have you got worms???! Have you seen any? Bork.

No wonder you've got the unrequited horn Lil with all your smutty reading matter Sure I read in some trashy mag that the more you get the more you want... so maybe it's your ibizan shagfest to blame Hope Mr Lil allows pouncing tonight x

lol oh dear la do you at least have lovely hair?!

Girls, I really need a glass of wine. I have been so proud of myself for abstaining for the last 4 days (!) just realised I sound like an alcoholic and I quite possibly am please give me a good slap

my darling bengal just brought a mouse in and deposited it at my feet. She is now eating it on my carpet 'cue nasty crunching noises' .. what a darling

aghhh. So a friend has finally got upduffed after 2 years, I am incredibly happy for her and she will make a fab mum BUT she has just reached the 12 week tell people mark and now has posted at least 4 things on facebook about babies just today. I am not the only one of her friends struggling. I understand she is excited, but really ? Surely of all people she would have more sensitivity? gah.

Ah, Mountain, that sucks. I have a friend in a similar situation and she said specifically (and has kept to it) that she would not put anything on Facebook about her pregnancy for that reason. I appreciate it for sure! Getting pretty sick of "look at the darling baby I made!" posts.

mountain those things are sooo hard. I can only imagine she is so excited that she's not really thinking about how other people might receive those things? The friend/baby dilemma is a tricky one. Even people you are genuinely delighted for, there's always that little twinge in your heart alongside it. The good news is at least she's not a "all I did was have sex once" gal!

I doubt it popz we DTD this morning. >1 has been known once since ttc but only the once. he's not taking the hints and I think he's just getting fed up of the smut I keep saying! as for shagfest, thrice in the week doesn't count as a shagfest I don't think. my hubby lacks the testosterone I think!

mountain does she know you are ttc? if so perhaps you can gently remind her that she should know better. that or unfollow her and only look at her posts when you feel up to it. then when she asks if you've seen something on face back and you keep saying know she may get the hint that you in followed her!

mountain it's so hard listening to people bang on about their babies. the worst for me is my boss who now tells me at every opportunity never to have kids cos he's so tired, things have changed yadda yadda yadda! Wish I could tell him to fuck off but I do not have the nerve and I need my job

Worms is not cool la feel for you. Is this the cause of the poorly tummy you mentioned?

lil hope all is going well on the stabbing prep, I hope you had a lovely hols before it's all systems go xxx

honey indigo gx for you two on the pissing over the next couple of days.

Just spent a fruitless hour in a tesco the size of an aircraft hanger hunting for soy isoflavones. I think they can't hurt so will let you all know how I get on with them if I ever find any! I'm hoping they might help egg quality as I seem to have iced properly last two cycles so am wondering if the eggs have been shit? Anyway, anything's worth a try!

Fish curry tonight, yum x

Ahh thanks all for the lovely welcome! Will try to learn the lingo ASAP!

La I had worms once, it was so bizarre! Not to mention revolting! No idea where they came from either, I once heard you could get them from eating pork but I don't see why!! Surely they'd be more common when we're all scoffing down the bacon sarnies! Hope they go away soon, hope you're not dying too much from the need to bum scratch in public

mountain sorry to hear you have been upset by your friend! I have friends who have been through really shitty times fertility wise and because of that would never go on about being pregnant on Facebook if it happened. A good friend and her hubby have been trying for 6 years with multiple rounds of IVF and her cousin - who knew exactly everything they have been through - got pregnant by accident and then turned up at their house and whipped up her top to show her (still flat) belly and announced with a big grin 'I'm preeeeegnaaaant!!' Seriously - who does that!? My friend had to run upstairs and was too upset to come down to talk to her again as couldn't stop crying - it wasn't the pregnancy that upset her so much as the way she heartlessly rubbed it in her face, I couldn't believe it. I am not pregnant and it could still be a long way away if ever but I already worry how I will tell her as I know it is just another twist of the knife for her every time someone else announces their news.

Well I'm still impatient waiting for AF - I came off the pill once before and was into a normal cycle straight away so hoping she shows her face in the next couple of days! Will certainly be the last time I'll be wishing for her to appear for a while!

Evening all

la how did you know you had a wiggler? Echo gaggia and top diet method!!

Oh mountain, that's totally insensitive. she should know better.

Now 6dpo & invoked los by spending purchasing 2 pairs of trousers that would never fit a bump and eating pâté although sainsburys is probably quite safe

Confess to get a bit twitchy now, not googling how common is implantation bleeding at all despite being too early which can't be good for any potential implanting...think there are 5 viroids testing over the next week or so...one of us better get a goddam BFMFP...

All the chat made me forget to add - welcome bat!!

Also now you mention pork have heard that too, from slightly under done pork. Think curing bacon zaps any wigglers

dulcet weren't we poas buddies? Forgive me if I've missed a post but how goes it?

noniks we'll try and keep you distracted

Cheers tink, sorry about witch-twat-face are your cramps any more bearable with this one? And any joy with finding soy online?

Yeah thanks it's a good one if ever there is such a thing heavy and not clotty (eugh) and not even the need for paracetamol, let alone the heavy drugs I sometimes resort too!

Think I'm going to resort to Amazon for the soy, need to start on Saturday so will just have to hope that next day delivery actually means that!

OMG! Worms?! Isn't that just a thing you read about?! la, how?! I would have assumed about the cats too, but clearly not. How else do you get them?! Agree with the diet plan though, silver lining and all! earning that Santa pressie too through worm punishment/hilarity!

You are going to need that hide button mountain, I am sure it's not deliberate but it's is thoughtless. I'm sure she has moaned about the exact same thing whilst she was trying!

Oh BBC 2 is broke, Packham must have broke it with his mind! I think they are just hitting all the buttons to make it work but getting lots of weird stuff instead!

We are POAS buddies tink, yeah... but I'm too scared to say anything!

?????

Argh! Am worst twotter ever! Went to get wheelbarrow from friend and pet her horse (random but true) so late for hair appt, ran past dh on way to hair (he was in town) and plonked self down on chair. Was so late/distressed about worms that I forgot I was twotting and said yes when he asked if I wanted glass of wine! It came, I remembered I shouldn't have drink and felt not drinking would be ride so drank 3/4 of it. Is this bad? Will work tablet/glass of wine combo kill my poor potentially non existent 5dpo frembryo?

Ride=rude

popz bork? Bork? New popz language or real word?

Bugger. Work tablet obviously meant to be worm tablet. Goddam autocorrect shitey balls!

la, you're fine! Enjoy the glass, it won't stop anything happening that is happening anyway.

Boak is a MN word mainly I think, means like 'vomface' or sick. Etc.

Forget to chip in on the book chat. Read all 50 shades, later than everyone else. Didn't hate it but wasn't as saucy as I thought it would be! A lot of it seemed to be for shock value so made me . Maybe I am too filthy in RL for the fictional lustiness. (As if, I'm currently in hand me down PJs from my MIL!)

dulcet fess up, what's occurring? Or was that unintentionally cryptic. I have excited butterflies

la you know it won't hurt, lots of pregnancies come from a knee trembler in a back alley after too many Bacardi breezers

mountain it sounds like you need wine. I say have wine

I hate facecock when ttc it's designed to rub babies in your face unexpectedly at any moment. Avoid or unfollow.

lil I think you should add a little bondage - if he's strapped to bed he can't get away and if he's gagged he can't complain. Simples...

Wtf are these soy isoflavywhatsits? Do you guys all shop at waitrose?

batfish I'm vegetarian so definitely didn't get worms from pork. Unless you count penis as pork?

nonik my POAS buddy! I don't think you actually want to know how I know about worms...

dulcet?? Are you being coy? Is it time for you to POAS?
I think worms came from touching too many peoples dirty glassware glass collecting in bar :( either that or work

Boak is Scottish! Means vom. But bork?

Mmm...Bacardi breezers...

Boooorrrrrk..... (green for vommy, not jeal-y). Possibly a popz.made up word!! Lol.

Seriously Dulcet spill the beans... I'm reading all sorts into your probably totally unintentional crypticness....

ha la there is no way he'd let me tie him up. and he's rubbish at tying me up even though he knows I love it

dulcet hope that's a good thing

tink I've put on more weight this week. now have a stone to lose to get back to my ideal weight before stabbing starts at Xmas.