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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

The Truth about Um Bongo, Broken Penises and Sad Fleas - it's all here, just don't talk about the Elephant in the Womb! Pee on Nigel Farage (or in a Thermos), and Join the Bonkers Bonkers for JS 30!

999 replies

ChatEnOeuf · 15/10/2014 18:02

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

  1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
  2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
  3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
  4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo


ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others.

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!

PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!

TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development!

The link to Part 29 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/a2198677-Jizz-in-your-eyes-raining-out-of-your-arse-or-just-feeling-boggin-Come-and-join-the-JSers-for-fun-and-frolics-And-some-of-them-drooling-over-Ian-McShane-whoever-he-may-be-Its-Just-Shagging-29" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/a2202292-Just-Shagging-Grads-thread-No-13-for-upduffed-viroids" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!
OP posts:
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Khbutterfly11 · 30/10/2014 13:04

No worries lil as long as only good vibes were felt :-)

Kindles are great for that aren't they! lol!

lildottie · 30/10/2014 13:12

oh yes. dh bought mine as I was reading the first 50 shades book. I used it to read the 2nd and 3rd ones. dh has no idea how many similar books I have had on there since. I periodically scan Amazon for the free ones Blush

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 13:23

kh if you like reading we listed our favourite books and recommendations in previous Fred! (if you can be arsed to scroll through...)

Khbutterfly11 · 30/10/2014 13:32

Great thanks lil i'll go have a scroll!! :-D

Khbutterfly11 · 30/10/2014 13:37

la even!!! the fact that i can't read the fred properly would indicate that i need more practice with the written word lol!!

lildottie · 30/10/2014 13:38

I've remembered the other one..dating a cougar.

they were both OK stories andblits if "electric when we brushed past each other stuff" building up to the "best sex of her life" stuff. all tame really, referencing everything as "her heat" which made me lol. but definitely soft book porn!

may have to read fifty shades again. loved those lol

Khbutterfly11 · 30/10/2014 13:47

i will take a look!! i loved the 50 shades too but tbh by the time i got to the end of the 1st one i was skipping a few of the sex pages cos it was all the same! still loved them though

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 14:03

Haven't read 50 shades - I've just read Gone Girl and The House at the End of the Lane. Neither were sexy...

Khbutterfly11 · 30/10/2014 14:38

i went back and scrolled and have now spent far too much time money on amazon kindle store - just need to go home now and read them.

At going to watch Jersey Boys tonight at the theatre darrllhhhhlinggs so i shall be sat there wanting to get home now haha!!

really need to do some work now - the vat man apparently does not give dispensation to women who are hooked on forums!!! oooopppsss

lildottie · 30/10/2014 15:07

the vat man barely gives dispensations for anything kh...get to it fast I say! then sneak off to read in a corner

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 15:21

Fuuuuuck just had highly awkward talk with neighbour. Apparently my cat has been crapping in her garden and chasing away the birds she's spent years attracting to the garden :(

I went round to apologise coz is heard he was being a pain from another neighbour. I've given them both bottles of cat repellant and apologised, but it's really quite crap knowing we are being a nuisance :(

I'm going to look at making our own garden more cat friendly this weekend and hopefully they'll use that instead

honeysucklejasmine · 30/10/2014 15:29

You can't control cats La, every sensible person knows that!

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 15:35

Yeah unfortunately she's not ver happy :( may have to move

honeysucklejasmine · 30/10/2014 15:52

Then she's clearly not a sensible person. You've done all you can, that's that. There are no laws governing roaming cats.

Have you asked in the grads Fred about your nom?

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 15:57

Nope - I think she's not the type to do anything nasty to my cat. I hear so many horrible stories about people poisoning cats because they are fed up with them :( My little boy is so cute, I couldn't bear it.

Also just discovered I have worms. I have fucking worms. How the flying frig did I get worms!?! I have no children, I have been near no children a long time, I wash my hands all the time. How the buggery did I get worms!?!?!

Have just had to take tablet - not meant to take during pregnancy but I would very much doubt any fertilised egg has implanted yet so hoping I'm safe :(

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 16:01

Massive loss of dignity today - cat shitting in next door's garden and I have worms. Today is not a glamorous day for the La.

Just texted Mr La 'do you have worms?'

Let's see what he comes back with...

lildottie · 30/10/2014 16:14

oh la no!! how the absolute feck!! hope they clear up quickly. have you checked the cats in case you've caught from them? think you should wash that tablet down with a vino lovely!

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 16:16

Apparently you can't get from cats. My horse had pinworm but apparently also not transferable to humans. Must be someone at work :(

Yuck.

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 16:17

Or Dominos pizza. Double yuck.

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 16:25

Off to ultra glam hairdresser now - going to be sitting in front of mirror thinking 'dontblurtoutyouvegotworms', I'll be barred for life.

Ew.

honeysucklejasmine · 30/10/2014 16:30

Worms?! My love, you really couldn't make it up! You're a one of a kind gal and we love you for it! Grin

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 16:34

New Bridget Jones

honeysucklejasmine · 30/10/2014 17:28

Just as well you don't have any Alsatians then! Grin

lildottie · 30/10/2014 17:32

oh. my dB's kitten got worms the other week and dm told me to stay away as I could catch it. obvs mother overreacting again!

hope you enjoyed psmoering at hairdressers la

gaggiagirl · 30/10/2014 17:54

la just think of it as a weight loss opportunity! Like her off that film 'im only one stomach flu away from my goal weight'