The Truth about Um Bongo, Broken Penises and Sad Fleas - it's all here, just don't talk about the Elephant in the Womb! Pee on Nigel Farage (or in a Thermos), and Join the Bonkers Bonkers for JS 30!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others.

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!

PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!

TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development!

The link to Part 29 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/a2198677-Jizz-in-your-eyes-raining-out-of-your-arse-or-just-feeling-boggin-Come-and-join-the-JSers-for-fun-and-frolics-And-some-of-them-drooling-over-Ian-McShane-whoever-he-may-be-Its-Just-Shagging-29" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/a2202292-Just-Shagging-Grads-thread-No-13-for-upduffed-viroids" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

Ha ha ha Lil at least you were there! [Offended]

I now am imagining you lot drinking gallons of water and pissing like elephants!

Ffs why do folk ask for advice on Facebook? This is how it goes:

Person: does anyone know about

Me: yes, these are the facts which are actual facts and not made up, this is what I think about it myself and here is my personal experience

Person 2: here's my personal experience and perhaps you person 1 should go and see what (insert organisation who do exactly same as me) recommends

Me: um...they recommend same as what I just said, I know this because we used the same facts (the ones that are real facts and not made up) to come to the same conclusion as each other.

Person 2: well that's me told!

Me: sorry, I wasn't being rude, this is what I do for a living, I'm not just pretending to know about this, sorry, um, oh forget it...

See if you asked a group of people the best way to fix a leaky tap and there was a plumber in the group of people who offered advice, would the others get huffy with them for providing the correct answer? No. But when it comes to my industry everyone's a frigging expert.

It's like my mate at work always says 'I've had a vagina all my life but that doesn't mean I'm a gynaecologist'

There endeth today's rant from the La

I don't remember who was there! I don't think I knew who was there in dream coz I didn't know who was who! oh dear...even in my dreams I'm annoying people :(

Oh la, that's normal. Everyone is an expert at everything. I work in marketing and anyone can do that, right? It's just colours, logos and made up stats! I am sure the person asking appreciated your opinion as backed up with experience.

We all sound vair naice in your dream. lil sounds like a hippy kind of goddess. Love it!

Am watching jumping jack flash.oh the 80s!

Lots of painful pissing going on. I've been lucky in that area I think.

honey you had on a patterned maxi dress and wore gold gladiator sandals. You were wearing a huge floppy sunhat on top of your golden ringlets (did you use ghds?).

Hahahahaha La, I wish I looked like that! I think your dream sounds fab, no matter who was in it.

I had a weird dream the other day that I has a bfp but the line was incomplete, and the missing regions related to different medical problems, (kinda like looking at a chromosome with genes cut out?) DH and I were visiting doctors asking if they could tell us what would be wrong, from looking at my pissy stick.

Somebody better have a dream about me tonight!

honey that dream was a bit deep! No pissy sticks in mime yet

Kato, I had a dream about you. You were stroking a cat, covered in hives whilst eating a tea-soaked double decker .

.kato in my dream you were running around in your glittery disco pants screaming 'sod the stupid allergy causing fur balls' loudly

Fed up of wtf cycle now :( cd27 temp back down after spike yesterday, no sign of anything happening. I feel barren, crap and like this is going to drag on for ever.

And reading that back I'm obviously also feeling like a drama queen!

Ok obviously invoked LOS there. Just got peak on cbfm!

And she's back in the game!!!

Going to have to come home at lunch to break the bed and Mr Las awesome penis

Kato you're allergic to cats? That's awful! Mine is meowing in my ear right now. I can't believe you don't get to experience that!

Yay La! Fantastic!

Doesn't everyone dip their own wee? No? Keep drinking bucketloads, Noinks, flush the bugs out. If not, pee in a pot and get some antibiotics. Some pharmacies can dip wee and give drugs out so it's worth asking if the docs are hard to get into.

KH while your doc will dip your wee, they may get hacked off with repeat acute appt stealing simply for that purpose...good on you for ordering online. I've found one that delivers here for free! Slightly more expensive than others, but at only £1.20 apiece I shouldn't moan :)

La that dream sounds ace. I was presumably too busy with the baby to bother visiting? Hooray for bed-breaking plans!

Honey your dream sounds more like mine tend to be. Have an ace time at Ragdale, I love it there.

Ok so in last 10 mins all he'll broke loose in La house. I was sitting typing in phone, heard weird noise.

Cat is peeing on bedroom carpet, all up wardrobe, over hair dryer and plug extension thingy.

Noooo! He had been trying to get me to feed him (again) and I was ignoring him.

Had to start madly mopping carpet, cleaning wardrobe and trying to empty wee out of extension plug (one of those long ones with four sockets)

Halfway through and by now strongly smelling of wee a hungover Mr La gets up to go to bathroom. For 10 minutes. Cue me screaming 'get out of the fucking bathroom!' outside door. In covered in wee, in my underwear, late for work.

He's just come out completely confused as to why I'm standing in underwear with a plug socket in my hand, stinking to high heaven and raging at him.

Any babies made today will likely become either a zoo keeper or a perfumer.

Bloody late and stinky.

Ha ha ha ha ha La! That's brilliant! Kato is counting her blessings!

Thanks Chat!

Ha la fantastic!

DF is feeling ill on our shagging day! I told him if he's well enough to play his computer games he's well enough to shag. He just grumbled at me.

Anyone ever got married abroad? I've decided there's no way on earth I am spending tens-of-thousands on a wedding day.

Ha ha Jelly, you tell him.

We spent about 7k on our UK wedding. I would have preferred less but its likely my siblings won't bother with marriage so my parents were keen to go the whole hog.

Df jelly!?! Typo?

chat not at all, you were already settled on sofa weRing elegant cocktail dress in maternity style to show off neat bump to maximum effect, sipping herbal tea and looking radiant xx

Well I'm calling him DF because he's now my fiance not my boyfriend ;)

And 7k isn't too bad, I just had the idea of all that money going nowhere basically, esp when we're planning on having a baby!

Yeah, even with a low end budget i still wince! Major most was cars. But dad likes classic cars so i just smiled and nodded when he waxed lyrical about a certain one.

Must add we were very lucky as my dp paid.

Ahhhhh! I thought I meant father!! Oopsy

Lol! Incest ahoy!