The Truth about Um Bongo, Broken Penises and Sad Fleas - it's all here, just don't talk about the Elephant in the Womb! Pee on Nigel Farage (or in a Thermos), and Join the Bonkers Bonkers for JS 30!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others.

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!

PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!

TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development!

The link to Part 29 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/a2198677-Jizz-in-your-eyes-raining-out-of-your-arse-or-just-feeling-boggin-Come-and-join-the-JSers-for-fun-and-frolics-And-some-of-them-drooling-over-Ian-McShane-whoever-he-may-be-Its-Just-Shagging-29" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/a2202292-Just-Shagging-Grads-thread-No-13-for-upduffed-viroids" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

purple what a crappy place for you to have to go for your appointment. Stay positive though...it'll happen.

Argh chat what a huge worry. Remember that it might just be spotting and everything might be well. Is it around the time an AF would be due? If it turns out not to be okay that is truly shite. Super huge mega hugs to you (with an comforting rub on the back).

La I'm glad you said CP was a nice bloke. I was worried he'd be arrogant and ambitious and a bit of an arse (by worried....I think I mean not actually worried). Clearly David Attenborough is the best science presenter in the universe, but who would win out of Cox vs Packham? I once saw a T shirt that said "I heart Cox". I nearly bought it but I'm glad I didn't because I still haven't managed to watch a whole episode of Wonders of the Universe because I find it soooo slow and dull with too much dramatic music and computer generated 3D images. I loved Wonders of the Solar System though.

purple you're doing great lovely, hang on in there. I totally sympathise why do they not understand visiting antenatal clinic is the last thing you'd want to do :(

chat can you speak to EPU for some advice? sending you a hug xx

chat that is truly shite. So sorry, hopefully it's just breakthrough bleed. Gx for you

Oh Chat lovie I'm keeping everything crossed for you....sending hugs

Oh shite Chat, I just popped over here to see how everyone was, I hope you're okay, can you go to EPU?

Ttc really and truly can feck off as far as I'm concerned just now. It's so bloody unfair chat I'm really upset for you. Are you able to get to EPU to see if they can examine you?

I'm crossing my gingers and also everything else that this is breakthrough bleed. Xx

Can't find an EPU here - I've not booked with a gynae yet so they don't see you until you have, unless you go to A&E. And I can't face that with a tired toddler. DH is away so I think I'm just going to wallow in a vat of chocolate and see what happens. Too heavy to be anything good though I reckon and I'm now the voice of experience Thanks for the love and cuddles, now can I please have a [blue cheese], mumsnet?

You have a whole bloody Stilton if you want chat. I'm so sorry this is just crap :( we (the royal nhs we) need to sort that womb out asap this is getting ridiculous and heartbreaking. All love to you tonight

In the absence of a cheese emoticon I'm sending you these chat .
I hope you have some support with your lo. Lots of love tonight, xx

Chat - fingers and gingers crossed its nothing to worry about xxxx

Chat I'm so sorry hun. Gx it's still good news but big hugs to you all the same :(

I had my interview today for the Po-lease. Was a long day and pretty tough. Will find out in a month if I got through!

Also AF finally stopped today. So a week of the witch and she pissed off. Now I'm checking pants snot every few hours to see if I can catch my ovulation this month (if it happens)!!

chat I really wish I could be there with you to give you a big hug and we could eat chocolate, stilton and watch daft stupid films to keep your mind off it xxx

I just got invited to a friend of mine's new 'hypnobirthing' group on Facebook. What would you do? I know I should just shake it off (a la Taylor Swift) but there's a piece of me that wants to message her and let her know why I won't be joining her group! Honestly - smug mothers really do piss me off sometimes royally! Does it ever occur to them that everyone else might not be as bloody lucky as them to be able to actually have had children!?! Fuck. Right. Off.

Sorry - needed a rant there. Fuck fuck fuck fuck bloody bastard wank shite arse!!!!

Love you guys :) x

jelly gx for your interview and getting into the police! And also for your ovulation!

I also did a proper AIBU thing today and sent a grumpy email to our local school complaining that parents keep parking in our private residents car park in my private car parking spaces that come with my house and I pay for. I resisted the urge to use the MN favourite word 'entitled' and instead stuck to 'rude' and 'inconsiderate'. Some woman parked her 4x4 ACROSS BOTH my parking spaces! The mood I'm in today she's bloody lucky to have come back to find she still had tyres on her car!

Next time she's getting a massive Glastonbury parking pass style sticky note on her window (any of you who've ever had one of those will know how hard it is to get it off - even a year later!)

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(and....breathe).

Incidentally I have a feeling my period might be on its way - no idea how I came to that conclusion, it's just a hunch ;)

PPS would it be wrong to look up how to syphon off fuel from someone's petrol (sorry - diesel) tank?

Just kidding...

...sort of.

Arsewankbollocks.

OK I think I'm done now.

lil where are you? I miss you!

I seriously need to start going out more.

I am however enjoying watching catch-up X Factor and Downton. Anyone else in love with Andreas on X Factor?

Where are you all? Are you all busy watching something I've forgotten? Is bakeoff doing a special?

I'd say it's perfectly reasonable la call it parking tax ;)

Me la I'm so in love with him! Hes just adorable.

chat I am so so sorry. Hot water bottle and painkillers. Is there anyone with you to help with TT (tired toddler)?. You know where we all are anyway if you need to rant.

How are you today mountain?

and you gaggia, I hope Mr Gaggia and mini-gaggia are giving you lots of cuddles x

Not bad today cheers la, swaying massively between crazy moments but feeling pretty chilled right now and analysing every cramp 'ov pain ov pain??' The dh will get jumped tonight none of that tired crap!
This may make me a horrible person but what really annoyed me today was someone on Facebook having a rant at childless people parking in the mum&child spots at the supermarket- what so it's not enough that I'm barren, now I have to get soaked as well?! Fyi I have never done it but the concept enough annoys me grrr

Ah, that one's an AIBU favourite topic ;)

Get your buzzy friend out and your sparkly disco pants on, good luck! X

chat massive hugs and a fuck ton of Stilton. Hope you are okay xx

Just a quick pop in as still working away so on my phone.

Hope everyone is okay, I think we all need

Stress flu?! Meant stressful but I think autocorrect got it spot on!