Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

ducky what a fab idea for your midwife. I'm sure you're not the worst patient she's had at all. If you know your midwifes name maybe you could get her a pen or something with her name on x

That's another good idea Kayleigh x

Slightly annoyed by the hospital I woke up today and after about an hour had felt no movement at all. I have always been told to call the hospital straight away if there is any change in movement so I had something to eat and drink and lay on my left side but nothing.

I called the hospital and explained the history and explained the change in movement, I was obviously upset and worried on the phone. She told me in quite a stern way that they are busy and will have to check my notes and get back to me if I could go in

Luckily the second I put the phone down he has decided to have a right wiggle, they still haven't called me back

That's terrible Ducky, that shouldn't happen. If it does happen again please just go in anyway, whether they tell you to or not.

Sorry for not responding to everyone recently. Critter, I'm thinking of you today.

Kayleigh-your fundraising achievements are fabulous, well done.

Lake, I'm really glad work is going ok.

Tulip-how are you feeling?

Betty, Mad, how are you?

Ruby, hope that you are enjoying Having your little one with you.

MissA-hope you are settling back into home.

Sorry to anyone I've missed!

Hello everyone

Ducky i am sorry you had that experience- glad he is moving now. Not long to go. Agree you should just go in!

Lake I'm sorry your DH is struggling. It is so hard.

Madem your DH sounds like a gem. Sorry this is all so stressful. Your poor colleague.

Kayleigh hope you're managing ok.

Thanks for all your kind wishes today. I saw a tiny fluttering heartbeat this morning- can't believe it. I was positive that I was going to lose this pregnancy too. So happy.

That's great news critter

I originally called them at 9.30 this morning, they have jut called back and told me to go straight in. He's moving ok now though so told tem I was worried this morning, but he's since started moving.

Missa lovely to hear from you and so wonderful that you are home. Hope your are enjoying this precious time with your new baby.

Kayleigh well done on the fund raiser!

CRITTER!!!! I have been thinking about you, all I can see is I am so very pleased for you and Mr C here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy

Ducky I can't believe how long it has taken for your hospital to phone you back! Like somebody said up thread I would have just gone in regardless. Glad baby is moving around now though. Not long for you!

No news from me really, still does not feel real that I am pregnant, in fact I have delayed my ivf appointment just in case. I have plenty of symptoms to go with, morning sickness, bloating the works but it still isn't convincing me. I have my first scan end of next week, I am absolutely shitting it.

Waves to all

Critter - so pleased that it's good news. Crosing my fingers that its all plain sailing from here on.

MissA - congratulations! So glad that your little man is out of the neonatal unit and safely home.

Tulip - congratulations too, lots of good news on this thread at the moment.

Ducky - sorry that you're having such a tough time. I guess its just a matter of keeping your head down and trying to get through this final month as best you can. I hope that it goes fast for you.

Kayleigh - brilliant result on the fundraising!

Thanks mademoiselle, Earth, and all those who have asked after me. I'm doing OK - cut down on commitments at work for this term, and feeling a bit better as a result. Also managed to go to my first SANDS meeting last week - it just made me really sad for all the little babies that didn't manage to survive birth. Currently through cycle three of ttc, I think that I might just give up until after Christmas - perhaps when we stop trying so hard it might happen!

Oh my goodness Critter! I'm so so so so pleased!

I'll go back and read everybody else's updates now -can't stop smiling!

Tulip-your expression of "shitting it" made me smile. That is exactly the feeling. Really really hope you see a little heartbeat next week.

Betty, I'm glad you are finding things slightly easier now you've cut back a bit. I found my SANDS meetings a mixture of terribly terribly sad but also supportive. I only ended up going to a few, but I met some wonderful ladies who I am still in touch with.

Ducky-that is truly terrible of your hospital. It's very poor care for anyone, let alone someone who has been through what you have.

ducky how worrying regarding the movements, but i'm gobsmacked about the hospitals reaction! I'm glad you've had movements now, and i'd be inclined to agree with Earth about just going straight in if it happens again.

critter fantastic news! I'm so pleased for you and your DH, and i can't possibly imagine the relief you must have felt.

tulip i hope all goes well at your scan, i will be thinking of you.

betty i know just what you mean regarding Sands. Me and DH had gone to our local SANDS balloon release event a few days after i'd got my test results back, and it was all the more saddening to see just how many parents were there to remember their babies.

AFM not much to report here, just been getting on with things really. AF is due on Tuesday so we'll see if we've done enough this cycle. Found some lovely glittery pinecones on sticks at our local supermarket today, so i got some to take up to Ben's grave so he looks a bit festive. I know glittery things aren't very boyish but as soon as i saw them i had to get them.

Love to all xx

Critter !!!!!! How amazing! I am so very pleased for you. I really have everything crossed that it's all just simple and boring and straightforward from now on.

Not much going on here (well, all sorts of hurricanes in my thoughts actually - but nothing new). The due date approaching is making me very sad. I feel very empty and sad and my daughter feels very big and very alone and very without a sibling. I know we will get get there eventually, one way or another, but right now I wish I could just go to sleep until it all feels better... (but not miss out on dd growing up or Christmas, let's not be totally silly!).

Betty I am so glad that you have cut back on work commitments. You must have been run ragged with having to balance them with looking after your older little girl and your grief for your younger one.

littletulip I also smiled at 'absolutely shitting it' - yep that about sums it up. Hang in there lovely girl. I have another scan on Tuesday next week (not this one coming) and am bloody terrified despite the scan yesterday showing things were ok for now… all the fear is creeping in again. Ugh.

kayleigh glittery pinecones sound so cute and festive. I bet Ben would have loved the sparkles. I know the holiday season is going to be really hard. I so hope this is your month and AF stays away.

madem your description of the 'hurricane in your thoughts' was so vivid. Dates are incredibly hard - I am sure little G's due date is going to be really difficult, and the anticipation of it coming up is horrible too. You must be dreading it. J's birthday is in a couple of months and I am dreading it.

Thanks to everyone's lovely comments here. I feel like I've been given a reprieve for a time. Sunday night, when the red bleeding and cramps started up again, was one of my lowest moments this year. I felt like I was staring into a black pit of horror - all my deep fears about never having children, that J will be my only child, came into hideous focus. And I still can't believe this bean has clung on. I am so grateful that for some reason this pregnancy has been spared so far, I felt like whispering 'thank you thank you' to the sky when I came out of the doctor's office yesterday.

madem i'm sending love and hugs your way. Ben's due date was hard for me (it didn't help that other than DH, only my best friend acknowledged it). In short- it's crap that we all have this to deal with

critter thank you. You're right about the festive period being hard. Normally i'm like an over-excited child, and i kind of make the whole house look like an explosion in a tinsel factory really early on. Last year it took me a while to get the motivation because i was so tired due to being pregnant with Ben, and i'm feeling like i don't have the motivation again this year . But i will soldier on as we all do, and at some point i'll drag the decorations out

Love to all xx

Hello everyone, please could I join you? The lovely madem has pointed me in your direction.

I'm so sorry you all find yourselves here, I will try to read back on the thread to understand more of your situations.

For me, things are still very raw. Almost 5 weeks ago I went into premature labour at 27 weeks for no apparent reason. I gave birth our son W by emcs and despite initial positive signs, he died in our arms 8 days later. We are utterly devastated and just feel like we are stumbling from day to day at the moment. My dh has been amazing, so strong and supportive, as have our family and friends, so I count myself fortunate to have that as I know not everyone does. We also have our dd who is almost 3 so she is the reason to keep going. Some days she is a fabulous comfort, but other days it's so hard to have her boundless energy and pre school naughtiness to deal with. It's very early days for us and we will in due course meet with the medical team to discuss what happened to us, but it does seem there isn't an obvious cause. We are already having some counselling sessions at the hospital which we are finding useful. I'm grateful to have had really exceptional support and care from the neonatal unit and am now really keen to meet with them to ask all my questions, even if there aren't answers.

In March this year I also miscarried twins. It was an mmc so I was 10 weeks along before anything happened, even then only light spotting, but they had stopped growing at 5 weeks. My body never seemed to get going in terms of miscarry ing naturally and I was advised to have an erpc, which I did and it was very straightforward. I was so very sad that it had happened but it was clear that there was something wrong and nature had intervened and I was fortunate to become pregnant again quickly. Little did I know what we had in store, I feel so angry that we've been dealt this hand. I'm not a religious person so I know it's all just bad luck but it's so hard to accept.

So to say 2014 has not been kind is an understatement, I can't wait to see the back of it to be honest. I've no idea yet if we will ttc again, it depends what the outcome of our consultants meeting is to some extent but also its just too early to decide and I don't know if my desperation for a baby is that I miss W so much or if I do actually want to try again. I feel so sad that dd may be an only child but I also realise there are many worse things.

Sorry for rambling on. I will keep everything crossed for you all on your ttc journeys. X

So sorry you find yourself here cake a warm and sad welcome

It's still very early days for you you have had a lot to deal with this year.

I lost my first child, dd at 31 weeks in February, I repeatedly told the midwife that I hadn't been feeling her moving but the midwife said it was as I had an anterior placenta and brushed it off, I later found out that she had died around 28 weeks . They put this down to the placenta not working properly which, by the looks of it is a standard answer they give .

I am now pregnant with my rainbow, it's a little boy and am going in to be induced on 8th dec (I was pg a month after losing dd). It has been extremely difficult as I have been constantly expecting the worst and have severe movement anxiety now (I'm sure the others on this thread can confirm I have been a nightmare moaning about movements ) but this thread has been so helpful, all the women on here are truly amazing.

I hope you find the thread as helpful as I have the past few months

Waves to everyone else, hope your little man is doing well missa

X

cake so sorry you find yourself here, but i extend a warm, but sad welcome. I lost my second son Ben at 34+1 in April due to a ruptured placenta. I've got an older DS and DD at home. I didn't get any answers from the doctors as to why it happened, although it's been explained in great detail how the care would differ with a rainbow pregnancy, which me and DH have been trying for since June.

ducky you've been far from a "nightmare" as you put it. It's surely natural that you're going to worry about things- i'm sure i'll worry too.

Love to all xx

Hi cake, I posted on your other thread. I'm sorry for the loss of your little boy, and also for your miscarriage earlier in the year - it sounds as if 2014 has been a tough, tough year for you. Like you, we also have a nearly three year old, and the mix of finding her a great comfort versus trying to deal with typical toddler naughtiness when you can barely function yourself is very familiar to me. We are currently ttc (now six months since our loss), but also thinking about whether we might have to come to terms with DD being an only child if things don't work out. I hope that you find this thread useful and comforting x

Ducky - I had completely failed to realise that your loss was so recent. No wonder you are feeling so terribly anxious. No practical advice, but am thinking of you and hoping that time passes quickly to get to your due date x

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I'm so very sorry to hear about your losses xxx it's only when it happens to you that you realise how many people are affected. I know I had a placental abruption during labour this time but they said that didn't cause the early labour, it was a side effect of it. When I was pregnant with my dd I was so blissfully ignorant really.

I think you're all so brave to ttc again, I hope I'll have the courage sometime, if the docs say I can. I know after an emcs they'll advise waiting a while but as I'm an old mum (38, gulp) I wonder if they might say to try sooner. If anyone has any experience of this I'd be interested to hear.

Ducky how wonderful, not long now until your ds arrives, I can't even imagine how stressful it must've been for you just getting this far. Wishing you all the very best x

Oops cross post, thank you betty. It's comforting already to be sharing this with people like you that understand but I'm just so sorry we all have to 'meet' under these circumstances. Xx

cake i too was blissfully ignorant with my DD, although not with my older DS as we'd had an early miscarriage between the 2. With regard to you TTC again, only you will know when you're ready. Sending gentle hugs xx

cake, re. waiting after a c-section, there doesn't seem to be a medical consensus on it. I was initially advised to wait a year, then at my six week check the consultant suggested that six months would be more realistic (partly because she was taking into account my age [37]). After three months we decided that we were really to start trying again, and got the go-ahead from the bereavement midwife. (They also suggested making sure that I had been through a full menstrual cycle before we started trying, which made a lot of sense to me). Most medical personnel suggested that being emotionally ready takes longer than being physically ready, and as kayleigh says, only you will know when that is. x

Thank you betty for that, I think a lot of the 'wait a year' advice comes from those wanting to attempt a vbac but I was told i wouldn't be a candidate for that (and wouldn't want to either). It will be interesting to see what views I get from various medical folks but I can totally understand why they say the emotional side will take longer to figure out x

Hi cake, welcome to our little thread, but I'm so sorry you're here. The early weeks are just a fog of shock and pain. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, talk to us if it helps, or not - we are all here for you and understand what you're going through.

My little boy died 20 hours after he was born in January - he was full term, I was 39 + 3 when he was born after a straightforward low risk pregnancy, but he had a velamentous cord insertion (where some blood vessels in the cord are exposed) which ruptured and he was deprived of oxygen for too long and had massive brain damage.

On waiting to TTC - it's really personal, I was desperate to have another baby as soon as possible, but I think it's different for everyone. I also had an emergency c section, and was told by my very experienced and wonderful consultant to wait six months to TTC again, but then he later told me I could go ahead at 4 and a half months. My son was IVF-conceived after two and a half years TTC, and we had some frozen embryos left. I got pregnant again in June but miscarried at 5 and a half weeks, and I'm now a little more than 6 weeks pregnant after another round, 10 months after my loss…. but it's been bloody scary with some big bleeds so I am not taking this pregnancy for granted at all.

TTC after losing a child is awful because you don't get a 'free ride' because of your loss - and I think that is part of the reason they recommend waiting a while. Miscarrying after my full-term loss was horrendous but I had to be ok with that possibility to go forward.

My motto on all this is 'the only way out is through'. Time passes, you feel pain like you couldn't have imagined, but the days do pass.

If you want to VBAC the risk of uterine rupture (which is very small anyway, but when you've been on the worst side of the statistics, that isn't necessarily comforting) goes down a little more after 18 months (i.e. - if you wait 9 months to TTC). Other doctors say 3 months is ok if you want a repeat c section and I know women who've gotten pregnant 3 months after a c section and a full term loss.

Sorry for the essay. Lots of love to you, and again - I'm so incredibly sorry this happened to you. It splits you open. I so hope you have good support from family and friends and I'm really glad your hospital care has been good - it makes an enormous difference.