Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

too I'm not an idiot- promise!

Ducky congrats on getting/choosing your date I bet it feels so much more "real" now doesnt it? For us it meant at the same time more anxiety but also a faint glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe things might work out and we might get a real, live baby at the end of all this. Something real to work towards like Earth says. We havent even been allowing ourselves to even think that these past 9 months. Hope youve got lots of appointments to reassure you in the next weeks.

Madem No way would I have been able to go back to work after seeing the counsellor. In the beginning I actually felt drained and extra sad for a couple of days afterwards, even though at the same time it felt good to have been able to unburden myself. I used to come out of those sessions with swollen red eyes from all the crying, and all I wanted was to hole myself up with a bottle of wine and a family bar of Galaxy. I imagine we are all different though, maybe you will feel ok after your sessions. Just wouldnt risk it on the first one, maybe? So sorry youre having such a tough time

Betty what with everything you've been through...losing O, disappointments about BFNs and you pushing yourself so hard with the lecture (and I think you have another coming up soon?) there is no wonder your health is suffering. Like you say grief can manifest itself in so many ways but will always find some way out. I'm glad youve got an appointment with your GP and hope they can help you out. Are you getting any support in RL from friends and family?

How are the latest rainbows and Mums?

AFM latest checkup and scan later today, just a few days now.

Love to all x

Earth cross posted didnt mean to ignore you. Your SIL is about as insensitive as they come x

Betty, I hope your manager is understanding, surely they can understand what an awful time you have had recently and will reduce your work load without any hassle.

Earth, sorry you have been feeling sad recently. It must be a very difficult time for you. how insensitive to give you updates like that I don't know if I'm just a bad person but I find myself feeling quite angry towards people announcing their pregnancies etc as I am constantly worried, I suppose I'm jealous that people can go through pregnancies and feel excited and not worried.

Missa hope the scan goes well it's very close for you now! I found it very strange, I was expecting them to tell me to come in on this date but instead I was told to just pick a date! I kind of panicked! I felt huge relief coming out the hospital but then shortly after getting home all the anxiety came back and I thought... That's if I make it another 4 weeks with my baby am trying my best to have positive thoughts now! I have actually reduced my appointments at the moment as I didn't know whether tey were actually adding to my anxieties.

It's bad isn't it, even when I feel him move, even when I have heard the heartbeat I'm still expecting something to go wrong now! I have no idea how to stop feeling like this

Waves to everyone x

Hi all, been busy but have read everything.

Sorry Betty, madem and kayleigh that you are feeling low at the moment. TTC is such a difficult time. I really hope it happens soon for you, and that your DP opens up to you kayleigh.

Tentative congratulations to critter, I'll be chanting 'stick bean, stick' till Friday. Everything crossed for you.

Lake, glad you have the OK to TTC again. Don't feel guilty about the pm. How will the medical service help to learn about still birth unless they are able to investigate the causes? Those of you that feel they can consent to a pm are helping the research. Fwiw I didn't want my daughter to have one as we knew the cause, but because she was born alive, it had to be done. Now I am 'glad' it was done, but at the time I wasn't at all.

missa so sorry about your dad. Glad you have a date now, it's not long now. And a date for you ducky! It really helped me to have a date, but as someone said, I couldn't actually really plan anything for when I had the baby.... But it's still a target iyswim.

Sending warm wishes and hugs to you all.

X post ducky. You are doing so well. Thinking of you

Thanks owl

Bit of a tmi question, does anyone know if the bleeding after the birth would have been lighter for me because I wasn't full term or because I had a stillbirth? Am trying to sort my hospital bag and didn't know what to do about pads. I am small so they are like giant nappies on me and after dd I only used always and only for 3 days. I didn't really need too many either. Do you think I should expect the same this time? Or more as I will have a bigger baby? Probably impossible to say isn't it?

Sooo much to think about x

Betty I think it's good that you're reducing workload. You have been working so hard since losing your little girl and it's taking its toll. You can always pick things up again professionally later when you've got through this horrific period of fresh grief and trauma. I remember being at a work party about four months after J died and a guy telling me about how his wife had just had a baby four months before at the same hospital and how amazing the baby was (he obviously didn't know anything about me) and feeling physically sick and dizzy. The hair falling out is a sign of extreme stress. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Earth grrrrr to your SIL. I would be really upset by that too. And I would be upset that I was upset. What makes it worse is that you feel furious with them and guilty that you can't be uncomplicatedly happy, but of course you bloody can't. I'm so sorry honey. I would just avoid her for a bit if you can. That's my strategy in these situations. I think our babies dying gives us a license to handle things like that however we want and however will make us feel ok about things.

Ducky great news you have a date. I hope the next few weeks are smooth and uneventful. And that you have a little Christmas baby this year. I know what you mean about feelings envious that other people sail through their pregnancies. I wish this wasn't the path we had to travel.

Madem i so hope this is your month. Thank you for your kindness towards me. You're such a warm person. Good luck with the counseling session.

Missalex I'm thinking of you and your lovely dad. I think you're an absolute hero to have managed to survive what you have. Hoping your little man is in your arms very soon.

Have had some tiny amounts of spotting, as I did in my short lived summer pregnancy, so worrying away about chemical pregnancies and miscarriages but trying to remember I have no control over any of this.

Kayleigh I hope you and your DH got a chance to talk things through. Thinking of you.

Ducky I had a pack of mothercare maternity pads and used then for the first few days. I think lochia can vary person to person and birth to birth, so it's probably better to be safe and have some with you. Some girls on my antenatal group put pads in sandwich bags so they only took a few to the hospital rather than having them taking up the whole of your bag. We'd left a pack in the car just in case I needed to stay in longer.

Fabulous news critter tentatively excited for you!

Betty hope things improve for you soon hopefully your boss will happy reduce your work load.

Fx that everyone else is having peaceful times.

Went back to proper work yesterday, slightly shorter shift than normal so only worked 7.5 hours rather than 11.5. It was ok, I was fine about looking after other peoples sick children which had worried me. I obviously had a lot of sympathy and a lot of awkward moments when people weren't sure whether to bring up E's name or not. Overall everyone was lovely, I'm not very good at people expressing their sympathy I just don't know what to say! I feel better having done it and I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow and doing my second shift. Hopefully I'll have another good day tomorrow!

Critter really hope this one sticks for you. What a worrying time. Will be thinking of you.

Lake, so glad your first day back went well and that your looking forward to tomorrow it must be so relieving to get the first day out the way.

Have put up a calander to cross off the days until I'm induced. Am hoping it will work as a distraction!

Critter, I'm sorry you've had spotting, that must be such a worry. I will increase the frequency of my sticky bean vibes.

Lake, I'm so glad work went well and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that it continues to be that way. Massive well done.

Ducky-I had about the same amount of heavy bleeding with F and M, but with F I carried on with light bleeding for 11 weeks, I can't remember exactly with M but I think 2 weeks. I had a pack of maternity pads which I used while in hospital (2 days) and then a day at home and then just switched to always nightime ones. I got through less than one pack of maternity ones, I totally agree with you, they feel awful!

MissA, I'm continuing to think about you, your little one and your dad and of course A.

ducky fab news about your date, i'm so pleased for you. With regard to your question about the pads after birth, i had more bleeding after Ben, but i did have a massive blood clot too so i'm not sure how much that contributed. Maybe take some heavy duty maternity pads and some always so you've got options?

betty sorry you're having a tough time at the moment, i do hope your manager is being understanding. I too had quite a bit of hair loss (luckily i have thick hair so it wasn't noticeable), but it has calmed down a little now.

earth i'm pissed off on your behalf at your sil

critter sorry you've had the worry of the spotting, i'm sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

AFM had a talk with hubby, things are far from perfect, but we both got a lot of things off our chests, which we probably should have done a while ago really. We've agreed that we need to make more of an effort to communicate with each other and be honest about how we're both coping. I'd like to thank all of you lovely ladies for just being there with your kind words (and for understanding why i was pissed off- i don't feel like so much of a nut job now)

Waves to missa owl atm blue

Love to you all xx

Ducky I would just take a few of each and whichever you need you can get someone to bring in for you? Those ones the hospital give you are so awful, I rmember my Mum used to call them "planks" as it really did feel like you had a huge plank of wood stuffed down there! Hope the Doppler helps to get you through the next weeks a little easier.

Owl lovely to hear from you hope little Owlet is doing really well

Lake Im like you its the sympathy that really chokes me up. So glad your return to work was not too bad, and that people were lovely. Youre very brave to be working with sick children and managing!

Critter I might not be around on the thread for the next few days but know that I'm thinking of you and your bean and praying that things go well

Kayleigh glad you got to talk to DH about things. You are definitely not a nut job for being upset, you have handled it in a really calm and mature way... I'm sure I would have just flown off the hook and made things ten times worse. Hope you can sort things out.

Earth thanks for all your support

AFM We have a new date - tomorrow! Had the scan etc yesterday and they have decided to bring things forward. Now we're rushing round like crazy trying to do stuff we thought we had time to do at the weekend. Ive been warned that the wifi connections are really rubbish at the hospital so I may or may not be able to get onto Mumsnet (dont know how to do it from my phone ) so if I cant let you know how things go then a friend will give you a quick update until I get back home. Its not until the afternoon though so it will be late Friday. Will probably be in 4 days with it being a c-section. Am soooo terrified that something is going to go wrong in these next few hours.

Love to you all x

Oh my gosh missa!!!!! Tomorrow!!!! Will be thinking of you! Can't wait to hear all about your rainbow!!!

Hope everything goes very smoothly and the recovery isn't too bad.

I get so excited!

X

Wow missa so excited for you. Yes, that feeling of what if things go wrong at the eleventh hour is awful isn't it? Praying for you and thinking of you so much! You are nearly there, and are doing so unbelievably well. Sorry I've not replied to your pm, I've been on here & just about kept up with things but I've only been on around 2-3am whilst feeding & am so sleepy I can't string a sentence together to actually reply/post!

ducky in my experience it can vary massively for no reason (I hardly lost any this time, no idea why but I was v grateful) but previously it's been much more sometimes. Think you'll have to do as missa suggests so you can play it by ear. How are you doing with the anxiety? Hope the dopplers helped a little here & there.

critter crossing my fingers for you too, and hoping the bleeding has stopped now x

kayleigh sounds like you handled it really well, it's so hard dealing with grief together, I remember our bereavement mw saying that often we're not on the same part of the roller coaster of grief at the same time, and to try to keep communicating to get through it. I know there were times when one of us wanted to talk and the other wanted to bury their head in the sand and then t would be the other way round another day. So difficult to deal with xx

lake well done on your return to work, hope it gets a bit easier each day.

Will post again in a bit, not caught up properly yet!

Lovely to hear from you owl, glad things are going ok.

earth that sounds v hard with your sil, especially with the name - really insensitive! Are you able to avoid her a bit, block updates etc?

ducky just read your post, must've missed the bit where you talked about your anxiety, sorry I am a tad sleep deprived! A rainbow pg is just so hard, and there's no way through it but one day, one hour at a time. I kept thinking that there is usually some warning for most things that can go wrong - once we're looking for it and being monitored more frequently than usual iyswim, and that if her movements were ok, and her hb was ok then I could get through the next hour, even if the time beyond that seemed massive. It was literally just hour by hour by the end though, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. ((Hugs)), you can do this xx

madem I guess you're with the counsellor around now - ihope you're finding it helpful and can manage the rest of the day somehow. I think I'd have struggled with work afterwards, but been okish, but I only spoke to the counsellor quite a while afterwards, whilst pg again and anxiety took over the grief in many ways so after the session I was just back to anxious rather than anything else. Anyway, thinking of you and I hope it helps, and fingers crossed for you that this is your month x

betty I'm so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment, I hope your line manager is understanding. My hair fell out loads about 5 months after E was born, I found it really upsetting and got my hair cut much shorter, which helped a bit in terms of how I felt. It wasn't actually long til it calmed down a bit and stopped being a whole pillow-full each morning, and other people didn't seem to think it was as much as I did, so I hope that's the case for you. Do make sure you take the time you need - as you say, the grief will come out one way or another, so be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve, to the timescale you need rather than anyone else's.

Afm, L is doing really well, eating lots and enjoying being cuddled (... constantly, which means I'm somewhat knackered!) we've had a v busy time with lots of visitors - so many people are obviously v pleased for us, which is lovely, but sometimes there's an undercurrent of 'its alright now, you're happy again & E doesn't need to be mentioned' etc which can be upsetting. And I had my hair cut the other day, which I also did just after E was born and struggled at the time because my hairdresser hadn't known I was pg and said things about me having another baby (which would've been fine normally, but wasn't at that time, and I didn't feel I could tell her after what she'd said). This time, somehow we got onto when her son was born, and she said that he'd been born v suddenly by cs because the placenta was coming away. I felt really weird about it - she'd basically had similar probs with her placenta but her son had survived... Obviously I'm happy for her, but... I don't know, not sure what it was it made me feel really, except the grief again that my son didn't live... And maybe could have done, if only...?

missalex tomorrow!!! yippee! Oh honey I am so so happy and excited for you. I can't wait to hear that your little guy has safely arrived and that you're enjoying newborn snuggles. Sending you so so much love and luck.

lake really glad work was ok. I know what you mean, sympathy is hard - you're more likely to cry when you feel like people genuinely feel your pain.

ducky you're on the home stretch lovely. Hang in there.

kayleigh it's great that you had a chat with your DH. It sounds like you are doing everything right. This is bloody hard and just getting through it with your marriage intact is a massive achievement.

blue that is tough about the undercurrent of 'everything's alright now and we don't have to talk about your baby that died any more because the new baby has fixed everything'. I am sorry. E is part of your family too, and he always will be. That conversation with your hairdresser would have really upset me too. I absolutely hate stories like that.

Funnily enough when I went back to my hairdresser for highlights last month (the last time I saw him I was mega pregnant, about 10 days before James was born, and I was joking about whether I would have a boy or a girl - luckily he totally forgot who I was in the interim and didn't ask me about the baby). A bloke nearby was talking about his wife's birth and how it was so scary etc. He went on and on and of course the baby was fine at the end. I felt sick and actually put in my headphones so I didn't have to hear him. Those stories that people loudly tell, always with lots of drama and expecting you to ooh and ah about it - the upshot is, the child is always fine. Because when would you tell a story like that, and the punchline is that the baby died. There is nothing more sad. I bloody hate it. It always makes me see the little curtain through which our alternate lives are running parallel, in which our children didn't die. It's a horrible feeling. What's worse, you feel horrible for feeling bad about it, because it makes you feel like you're not happy and relieved for the person who got spared your awful trauma. Ugh. I am sorry.

MissA wow- tomorrow!! I hope all goes well, and that your recovery isn't too bad, i'll be thinking of you.

Blue glad L and you are doing well, although what an awful situation at the hairdressers. As you say, it's hard to not think of the what ifs.

missa tomorrow!!!! Will be thinking of you all day.

Owlet is doing fine, he's 8 months old today. Wiggling about on my lap as he's just finished feeding.

Waves to all.

Hi lovely ladies,

Just a quickie from me again,

Critter - gentle congratulations to you, wishing you all the best for this pregnancy. I loved what you said up thread about the time after the stillbirth being our babies time, a time for us to grieve and think about them.
Kayleigh I'm glad you at DH managed to have a talk between yourself and sorted things out - men can be funny buggers at the best of times!!
missa tomorrow! Squeeee! I am so very excited for you, do try and keep us updated.
Owl wow can't believe your little one is 8 months old already! Doesn't time fly?
Blue totally understand where you're coming with regards to other people's attitudes assuming all is forgotten and ok. Earth your SIL sounds a bit of a plonker too, in sure no harm was meanth but isn't it funny how things like that affect us?

Sorry this is a quickie and waves and good vibes to the rest

MissA good luck for tomorrow will be thinking of you.

Critter I had a very similar experience at my hair dressers, for some reason she felt I needed to know that her baby had stopped moving and they rushed to hospital blah blah. She ended by saying something like " it's a mothers instinct you know?!" Take your bloody mothers instinct and shove it. I think I told her that not everyone is as lucky as that especially if it happens fast. I don't know if she realised why she's annoyed me but she barely spoke after that!!

Had a nice day at work, had to tell one of our cleaners but she'd kind of figured out something bad had happened. I guess not many people would be back at work right now if they had a healthy 10 week old at home!!

A colleague has made me really paranoid on Facebook, I really hate Facebook these days. She's announce her pregnancy on Facebook along with a 20 week scan picture. I wrote congratulations xx along with about 60 other people (both before and after me) and weirdly she has liked every single comment except mine!! I'm tempted to delete it as she obviously feels weird about it. I'm sure I am reading way too much into it but I find thing like that really odd like people are drawing more attention to the fact that I can be happy for others. Just because things didn't work out for us doesn't mean that I can't be happy for other people. Uh sometimes I hate the real world and people, hibernation Is the way forward

Oh lake I bloody hate that 'mother's instinct' line. Someone said that to me about a month after J died, telling me how their husband 'was almost a SIDS baby' but his mother 'sensed something was wrong'. It implies we could have saved our babies which is immensely painful and also not true. I don't know why people want to tell us those stories. It really upset me at the time. Now I would say something like you did, 'not everyone is so lucky' but at the time I just sat their like a lemon and then got really upset afterwards. With the comment on FB, I would just take the high road and ignore her - but maybe also click to hide her posts from now so you don't have to see them, that's what I tend to do.

littletulip I have been thinking of you and how brave and patient you've been through this nightmare. I so hope that your IVF appointment comes through soon. You've waited so long and it's so incredibly unfair. I am sending you love.

owl your little one sounds adorable.

missalex good luck!

Lake sorry you've had that awkward experience with facebook. You don't sound paranoid in any way- i'd have reacted in exactly the same way as you. Personally i'd ask the person if there was a reason they hadn't "liked" my comment, but as critter said, taking the high road has it's advantages.

tulip i'm inclined to agree with you that men are funny buggers. I'd accidentally knocked one of DH's watches off the kitchen side while cleaning earlier and the glass on the face smashed, and when i told him he honestly thought i'd done it on purpose- and then proceeded to say that he'd have understood if that was the case !

MissA lots and lots of luck for tomorrow, i hope you manage to get some rest tonight (you probably won't but hey)

Oh missa - tomorrow!! What turmoil in your life at the moment. I will be with you in spirit all day tomorrow and cannot wait to hear the happy news of the safe arrival of your little boy. SO much love x

lake well done for going back to work. You are so brave and are doing incredibly well. One thing I will say, as I am sure others have experienced, is not to beat yourself up if in a few days/weeks/months it starts to become difficult. I was grateful for returning to work at first yet I am finding it quite challenging right now. I guess the 'novelty' has worn off? Of course you might just go on to be absolutely fine, I am not trying to scare you or be a bah humbug, merely saying that if you ended up not enjoying it so much anymore in a while, not to be hard on yourself about it. As for the fb comment... silly cow. Some people are just absolutely useless at dealing with grief. I'd be annoyed too - if that's any comfort?

critter how are you doing? I have been thinking about you so much x

AFM - thank you for the advice re: work post counsellor. I felt like I had been hit by a tonne of bricks. Exhausted doesn't cover it. But I am not sure she is that helpful? I might follow some friends' advice and find someone through the SANDS route.

Big waves to everyone, blue , earth , kayleigh , ducky , tulip , ruby , owl , betty - thinking of you all

Thinking of you today MissA, wishing you good luck and strength-you can do it! x