GETTING PREGNANT AND WHAT I NEED TO KNOW

[Jael123]

I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?

Anything would help, thankyou!

I'm not implying she will not be a good mum, I'm merely stating it's a massive life changing thing to do and there's no going back. It's easy for a young boyfriend to decide it's too much too young and walk away, sadly the young mum doesn't have the same freedom of choice. You can make the decision to have a baby when you're 18 but you don't have to do it immediately, why not make it a plan you work towards over the next couple of years?

Thank you deepblue :)

Silly I don't think it's classist to warn her what she'll come up against. She will face stigma, she will be criticised for her choices in person. I doubt she'd be happy if we'd all said "Aww, you sound like a cute couple, go for it!", because that isn't what she'll face a few months down the line when she's pregnant at 18. I don't know a single young mother who hasn't faced criticism for her situation, whether it's planned or unplanned.

Yes, they're great solid mothers. Because they have to be. We have to put on this face in public that we're doing great and finding it easy, because otherwise the world will laugh in our faces and say 'I told you so' - and that's a red rag to a bull when you're 18/19 . Some elements of motherhood, I do find easy. I find it easy to change her and feed her in public, and to make it look like I know what I'm doing. But at night I struggle with the sleepless nights, I struggle with the 3am feeding, I struggle with the constant routine of dirty nappies and washing bottles and not just being able to up and go out at the drop of a hat, and that's the part that no-one sees - but just because no-one sees it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I've spoken to other young mothers who describe exactly the same - but it's so taboo. If I didn't have the relative anonymity of Mumsnet, there's no way I'd be admitting this.

SillyLass, the OP herself has said she has the opportunity and the offers to go to university, including in Paris. So it's not a ridiculous suggestion to point out that she might be missing out on a life experience if she has a baby now. University can be a great experience that isn't just "piddling about" for 3 or 4 years. Granted, it's not for everyone, but the OP clearly was/is interested in further study.

X-post, I understand what you mean now sillylass

Some of my comments still stand wrt jael though. It's galling to see someone who really has no idea, sweeping in and suggesting that so what if everyone else has experienced this, I'm going to do so much better because I have good qualifications and a great job, when it doesn't work like that. I've always been academically above average. A Levels and being partway towards a degree doesn't matter a jot in regards to pregnancy - not being careful with contraception was one of my biggest lapses in common sense, no amount of fancy qualifications will make up for that. The health visitor doesn't come around wanting to see your A Level certificates or your last P60, she wants to know if you're equipped and prepared to look after a baby, and that involves a hell of a lot more than having a good career and qualifications.

The thing that worries me most is OP's inability to take criticism. She has to be receptive when people are telling her she's maybe not quite getting it right. Will she call the midwife immature if she's putting her baby in danger in some way? Will she scream and shout at the doctor if she needs anything that deviates from the birth plan? Will she refuse to listen to the health visitor when she finds out that she's making up feeds wrong, or putting nappies on back to front or whatever? If you can't handle criticism of your theoretical decision to have a baby at 18, then the actuality of the criticism you'll face when you're pregnant and 18 will have you like a rabbit in headlights. That isn't sneering - it is painful and shocking and hurtful, to have someone talk to you like you're the dirt on the bottom of their shoe, and hormones didn't help matters for me. If she can't handle logical criticism, like the fact that she should live with her boyfriend and make sure they can live with each other before they add a needy, tiny human to the equation, how is she going to handle out and out prejudice?

I feel like it'd be doing her a disservice not to warn her about these things, because you can guarantee that if she did encounter this, she'd come back to complain that we didn't warn her.

I'm getting more emotionally invested than I should in any thread, let alone one that may not be genuine. It's hard to see these threads because you've got one side arguing that teenage pregnancy is a great thing and there's nothing ever going to go wrong with it, and the other arguing that it's a failing on behalf of the parents and it's stupid and shows lack of intelligence and ambition. I'm glad that on this thread the majority of posts have been balanced and realistic, like they should be. But that's why threads like this bother me so much, and why I get more involved than I really should.

tbf, Sillylass, I haven't said that she wouldn't manage university when her (as yet non-existent) child is older. I actually think that it is completely doable with hard work and (ideally) plenty of support. It's certainly no harder than a demanding job.

I do think though that she would miss out on a lot of the social aspects of university, which you may or may not think of as important or useful.

I completely agree with you that being a teenage mum doesn't automatically equal poverty & loneliness, especially as Jael seems to be in a pretty stable position financially for someone her age. But I do think it can increase the chances of both Jael and any future child of hers being in a worse position than they would be if she could just wait 1 or 2 years more.

I don't think that it's patronising or offensive to say that.

Moomin, you are a fabulous writer.

I agree, Sillylass, that there has been a lot of attack directed towards Jael. In my experience, trying to impart knowledge and experience to 18 year olds rarely works well if they feel attacked and got at, or made to feel stupid. It's a shame, as there are a lot of reasonable and persuasive people posting on this thread, lost in the mix a bit, as Jael has reacted defensively to the criticisms of her attitude/decisions.

I just think the OP comes across as a wind up merchant (her OP, e.g. "this really is what we want", "we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them" anticipates criticism), so for that reason, I'm out!

But OP, if you are for real, you are bloody rare if you are a "just turned 18" year old who has a good j

..job - don't throw it away!

And of course, the other glaringly obvious aspect of the OP's post which made me suspect a wind-up is that, if she truly did just want advice on trying to conceive (setting aside the fact that the NHS website would be her first, obvious, port of call rather than a chat room peopled by unknown amateurs, she only needed to write "planning a baby - would like advice on diet, health etc", rather than all the massive judgement-seeking backstory she has kindly provided! Please don't waste the time of people who want to help genuine posters, OP.

I really don't understand why the OP has posted asking for advice, if she is going to rubbish every piece of advice given. It seems so pointless.
I wonder if friends/relatives have already advised her against this plan and she has been fishing for some support here. If so she has been sadly disappointed.
If Jael is genuine, I do hope she will finally listen to all the people who have been there, done that, and worn the teeshirt of regret.

Sillylass - who do you think is going to find coping with the workload of university - the person who has no children, and so can concentrate fully on their studies, or the same person, with a child (or more than one) at home, who has to deal with all the extra responsibilities that entails?

And who is going to have more fun - the person who has to get home in time to relieve the baby sitter, or who can't commit to societies/clubs because they can't get child care, or the person who can do as they please, once they've done their academic work?

Btw - I am not trying to attack you by asking you these questions.

I honestly believe that being a student without children is probable easier and more fun than trying to juggle your studies, parenthood and childcare, whilst maintaining your relationship with your dp.

And I suspect that many student parents feel that they miss out on some of the student experience because of all the extra responsibilities they are juggling.

If I were Jael's parent, I would want her to take the chance of studying in Paris now, with both hands, and I would be so worried that she would find herself regretting it, if her choice to have a baby now meant that that amazing opportunity slipped out of her grasp forever.

I agree with you, sillylass. Seeing the parent-blaming got my back up; it's not the parents fault if the 'child' - who is now an adult - decides to get pregnant (or does so by accident). My mum wanted nothing more than for me to finish uni, work, settle down and then have a baby, and raised me with those aims in mind. It's no failing of hers that it didn't turn out that way. To blame anyone but those right at the centre of the situation is wrong.

Don't mean to sound patronising but couldn't you get a puppy first, that's what me and my DH did when we first moved in together and it was another ten years before we tcc.

innermagic i want a puppy OH said no though it is a good idea i killed the plant that need exact water temperatures at exact times wish plants cried to tell you

skipping if keeping a plant alive were a test of prospective motherhood, I'd never have been allowed a baby!

Hi OP. I fell pregnant by accident with DD aged 26 which is still pretty young. I had a dp, our own house and professional jobs and we had both been to uni. She is perfect and I adore her at 19mo but it has been sooo hard. And this is a child without reflux or medical problems, a largely good sleeper and a good eater. Still, the hardest year and a half of my life. Even if you just wait three years or so you will have had a chance to study, establish your.career and be more mature in your approach. No doubt you will make a lovely and excellent mum whenever you do it but there is no rush. If I hadn't fallen by accident I would still have waited a few more years and done a bit more travelling ans lie ins!

Slightly you will be able to do some travelling and big holidays in your mid 40's when lots of others are worrying about school catchment areas. There are pros and cons to whatever age you have a family.

That is a good point chicken! I am very glad I had dd when I did and am in fact planning my second soon with any luck, but I am glad I wasn't much younger. People I know who have had babies between 18 and 21 are still desperately trying to party in a way they didn't have a chance to when everyone else was. not the case for everyone I know but I think 18 is really young to plan a baby.