GETTING PREGNANT AND WHAT I NEED TO KNOW

[Jael123]

I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?

Anything would help, thankyou!

Jael- you know, it's not about age.

It is physically easier having a baby at your age than 10 years later.

I had one of my DCs young and there were advantages.

However you will spend your life up against people like on this thread. People will look at you and your DC and make judgements about you. They will assume your DC was an accident/mistake. They will assume you are in benefits/in a council house/wc.

It's just not the don't thing nowadays to plan a child in your teens.

If you have the job/ house/ relationship sorted though I wouldn't advise against just based on age.

But you aren't cohabiting so I still say your relationship still has to pass this test before you should ttc.

There's something about this thread that puts me in mind of

OP, I don't know if you're for real or not, but 18 is very young to be planning a baby when you don't even live with your partner. SO I'm very pleased you seem to be re-considering on this point. I really don't think you know someone well enough to decide you want to co-parent with them, until you've lived with them.

Have a baby young if that's what you want - plenty do, and it can work out fine even if unplanned. But fgs, if you're planning it have the basics in place. Be living with your partner, (preferable married imo)be financially independent from your parents, as a couple. Work out how you'll cope/make decisions regarding money/childcare/going back to work and so on. The first few years of a child's life do fly by - imagine your baby going to school, being a petulant 5/7/12 yr old/teen. It's not just feeds and nappy changes - this is 24/7 for the next 18yrs+ And babysitters every time you fancy a drink in the pub/meal out/catch a film at the cinema.

The sketch above is very funny - because you really don't know what it's like until you're a parent. Life changes beyond all recognition. I know what wanting a baby feels like - but wanting isn't always enough to make you a good parent in the long run. I married and had first baby at 30, and I am soooo glad I had my carefree 20's now - they are great years.

And if you don't want to sound immature on MN - then don't call posters with years- decades even -more experience of marriage and children, who are giving you sage advice "immature"...

Like another poster above I also don't understand why it was necessary or relevant to bring your age into this at all.

You posted this bit:

I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)

When all you really needed to say was this bit:

I am trying for a baby. I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?

That would have given you all the practical advice you needed with no judgement.

You say you didn't come here for life advice, that you are not interested in listening to people's opinions or having to defend your choices. Fair enough.....so why completely unnecessarily provoke people into a making those judgements by furnishing them with all this apparently irrelevant background information?

I don't think you sound especially immature, no more or less than any 18 year old, but the wording of your first post gives you away rather. It is not really the work of a well rounded adult with their head screwed on, I'm afraid. It sounds like the work of a naive, stubborn, idealistic teenager trying to convince everyone they are a mature adult by saying 'look how sensible I am.'

The irony is that it shows us who you really are, (the teenager) and not the person you are trying to portray yourself as (the mature, got-it-all-together adult.)

I am also a bit confused about these jobs and qualifications you have, and the timeframe that all this has happened in.

You are only just 18, you say you started doing AS/A levels and that your exams 'were not good.' So did you switch to the diploma after doing too poorly at AS to continue to A2, or did you switch without finishing AS levels? Aren't diploma courses usually 2 years? If you had some offers from unis that can only have been for this coming academic year due to your age, so surely you are only just finishing sixth form college now like most other 18 years olds?

So how have you managed to do that and fit in a full time job in a bank? You can't have worked there for very long at all, it just doesn't make sense.

Also, I don't know how old your boyfriend is or what he does for a living but that is some seriously good money you are apparently earning between you there. Frankly, it's a bit unbelievable. How long have these amounts actually been coming in for, and are they stable jobs with contracted hours?

Anyway, look....whatever the answers to any of the above, it makes no difference; fact, fiction, fantasy, wishful thinking, massaging or the truth, whatever.

If you've made up your mind you want a baby you will go ahead and have one, no matter what anyone older and wiser tells you, and even if you are actually in the most ridiculously unstable, emotionally dysfunctional, poverty stricken and inappropriate set-up ever because (sadly) that's what many teenagers (and plenty of stupid adults) do all the bloody time. Their primal, biological, selfish urges somehow trample over any tiny bit of common sense they may have and they JUST CAN'T WAIT so they do it anyway. Because apparently, so long as you luv ur bubba wiv all ur heart for ever and ever, everything else will just magically fall into place.

So good luck with that. But be prepared.

Be prepared to probably not be with your baby's father by the time you are 22.

Be prepared to hate his guts in a few years as you struggle as a single mum in a grotty rented house and he leads the life of Riley, making up for lost time and those years of feeling 'trapped' and 'tied down too young.'

And then be prepared to sit back and watch as he settles down and has kids with someone else, and suddenly he can't give your child much money or much attention anymore, because he needs it for his 'wife and family'.

Be prepared to never take that uni place, or to feel completely mentally and emotionally exhausted as you juggle taking your degree with being a single mum.

Be prepared to always be a bit broke and a bit fed up and a bit resentful of other young women your age with their glamorous, carefree, fun filled lives.

Be prepared to go through long periods of loneliness, punctuated by a succession of useless boyfriends because none of them will commit to you and your child, while you watch other women your age travelling the world, having great social lives and then settling down and buying lovely houses with great blokes with good jobs, and having the fairy tale.

And most of all be prepared to feel a bit foolish when you look back and remember this thread. Because all the stuff I've just said there ^ is the harsh reality, for many many women who thought they knew it all at 18, and didn't see the point of waiting for a baby, just like you.

Hindsight truly is a wonderful thing, and the most wonderful thing of all is that you have the opportunity to learn from other people's. But you won't. No-one ever does.

Very wise words hopon.

If you want pregnancy advice rather than the advice on here OP, why don't you book an appointment with a private midwife, read up on the internet, buy books, speak to someone you know who has had a baby. There are loads of sources of info. You are getting stroppy with people who are giving you really good advice IMO. I stand by my earlier post and agree with the majority of other posters who say that you should wait and enjoy your carefree life. Even if just for another 2/3 years, although I would suggest another 10 really.

A midwife relative once told me that 14 is actually the age a woman's body is prime for hosting a baby.
Every year from then your ability decreases.

Sorry, but that it a load of bollocks Dildoos.

And hopon is a very wise woman.

Don't forget life insurance (work it out to at least cover childcare for the entire childhood & a few years of living expenses, incase surviving spouse has to give up work as a minimum) & wills.

And hopon is a very wise woman

She certainly is, and that advice should be required reading for anyone in your position.

She's just sat there and told me my relationship won't last. You don't know me or my boyfriend, you can't say that at all haha. Just because that happened to you or someone you know, doesn't mean fa.

I literally cannot be bothered to give any of you a minute more of my time. Thankyou for all the personal messages from people that agree taking me seriously. I haven't lied once. I don't have to explain myself to a bunch of immature parents. I'm sorry but when I have my baby the last thing I will be going to do is sitting online bitching with a bunch of online people. Goodbye

It does though jael, because this thread is fuill of wise women who have a lot of life experience, and we all know how it feels to be 18.

You don't know that your relationship will last- none of us do, but the chances are poor when embarking on such a life changing event at 18 when you have no real stability in your relationship.

(or should that be [groan]?)

Just think Jael, if you hadn't mentioned age at all, you'd have got the info you wanted and no grief.

You live and learn. Whatever you choose to do, make good choices, look after yourself and your baby, and make sure you have enough money to go it alone if the worst happens. (Would be my advice to women of any age).

Good luck jael- you will need it. In 6 years time you will cringe if you stumble upon this thread again- by then yo uwill see that the "immature parents" on this thread are actually trying to help you.

Why would they want to come and pour cold water on your plans otherwise? Jealousy? Because they are all nasty?

No- it's because they are speaking the truth and trying to warn you as you are about to make a monumental cock up of your life.

"I literally cannot be bothered to give any of you a minute more of my time. Thankyou for all the personal messages from people that agree taking me seriously. I haven't lied once. I don't have to explain myself to a bunch of immature parents. I'm sorry but when I have my baby the last thing I will be going to do is sitting online bitching with a bunch of online people. Goodbye"

And you wonder why we think you are immature!

It's quite sad - I actually feel sorry for jael. We all know what it is like to be broody- most of us are mothers after all, but to see an 18 year old making such a decision when she could have the world at her feet for years before settling down

I hope the boyfriend stays around, but given his age and the fact that he has already voiced his desire to travel to the US, is looking unlikely.
It won't take more than six months into a new flat, prenthood, dirty nappies, sleepless nights for resentment to creep in of what could have been, for one or both.

I know it can sometimes work and 18 year old mothers are as devoted and caring any any mother but I feel the chances are low.

sorry to be an old cynic.

Jael, the way to deal with people disagreeing with you on an anonymous online forum is to either ignore them, or reply calmly explaining why you disagree.

You have been very defensive and argumentative when there really was no need. You could simply have stated your position and explained (calmly) why people were making wrong assumptions about your current situation. As several people have said, you could have asked all your questions without bringing your age into it, and people would not have been able to question the wisdom of deciding to become a parent at 18.

I genuinely wish you the best of luck in the future. Raising children is a very worthwhile thing to do, but it isn't the only worthwhile thing to do with your life. It sounds like you are turning down some opportunities that may not come around again, and those of us that have more life experience than you are simply saying that your late teens and early 20s are the perfect time to get out there and take some of those opportunities.

Oh good she's done one !! as fun as that was she was drawing it out a bit telling us all how immature we are made her immature saying it the way she did Oh well people its back to our boring lives doing things half assed because we don't have a clue what were doing and know nothing because were all so old and immature

Please don't kid yourself into thinking that being young means your body can handle it better. I had a baby at 18 and was put on bed rest from 31 weeks. I then nearly died giving birth. I was perfectly healthy. And get all this "in a few years" crap out your head. It won't happen and if it does it will be ten times harder and ten times more expensive because after you have a baby anything you want to do for yourself revolves completely around childcare. There is no rush. What's one more year to really really think about it. You aren't ready, no first time mum really is but you can be more prepared, if you rush this you will force yourself to be ready, and that doesn't mean you won't be a good mum but it will be unnecessarily hard.

hopon as much as your post terrifies me, it's excellent advice because I can well see how it would happen. DD was born 2 months ago and all I can do is feel thankful that he's a few years older than me, because had he been my age, I think the dirty nappies and lack of sex and the responsibilities he's had to take on throughout pregnancy and in the early days would've made him run a mile. Even with him here, it's so difficult, and yet Jael has it set in her head that it's going to be sooo easy.

Outside of Mumsnet, I haven't admitted to anyone but my mum how difficult and lonely it is - because it makes you sound like you don't love your baby. I adore DD, wouldn't be without her - but it is hard, and it is lonely, and it isn't what I would've chosen my life to be like at 19. I think that's why people think it's easy - because younger mums don't admnit that it's tough, for fear of either being told 'I told you so', or 'You clearly don't love your child then'. So then people like Jael think oh, it's so easy, it's what I want.

As I said on the other thread, I have little interest in travelling, and while I like going out, I don't drink much other than the odd glass of wine or southern comfort & lemonade, not keen on foreign holidays etc - but there's still so many things that you can make the most of before settling down and having a baby. Things like going out somewhere without it being a military operation. Having a tidy house . Living together with your boyfriend and watching a film (or a TV programme!) the whole way through without getting up to get a bottle or change a nappy, being able to go swimming for more than 10 minutes at a time, going to the gym with your boyfriend, being able to go out for lunch without packing 10 billion bottles and nappies and toys.

I could go on and on but I've already done numerous blog posts about the difference a newborn makes to your life, especially when you're young, and I can't be bothered to repeat myself again. Good luck, and I'm sure when you're sitting at home, alone with your baby because your boyfriend's at work, the support has slowly but surely disappeared and you're surrounded with poo and tears and milk (you can disbelieve me now but just you wait), you won't need any support or company from forums like Mumsnet.

Just think Jael, if you hadn't mentioned age at all, you'd have got the info you wanted and no grief.

Nah, her immaturity shines through in her posting style. I he hadnt mentioned her age the first response would have been "how old are you? You seem quite young"

moomin, what a lovely,honest, refreshing post. It has made me think.
Motherhood can be hard for all mothers regardless of age, but I do think it is particularly difficult for teenagers. It is a big adjustment for all of us- and I smile when you talk of things being a "military operation", it's not easy and I didn't really enjoy the first 6 months of being a mother tbh.
Yes I loved my baby, cared and cuddled, but the change to my life too some adjustment.
Your post is very thought provoking moomin and you have a gift for words.

We all have only one chance at growing up.
So many of us waste it and I feel so sorry for Jael that she is about to make the same mistake.

Oh dear, just read through some of the posts on here and some of Jael's comments including this one

She's just sat there and told me my relationship won't last. You don't know me or my boyfriend, you can't say that at all haha. Just because that happened to you or someone you know, doesn't mean fa.

The 'haha' and 'fa' sounds just like my 18 year old niece and I know exactly how '18' she is, wilful, rebellious, stubborn, knows it all and can't accept other peoples advice.

Jael maybe you will stay with your boyfriend, maybe you won't, maybe you'll be happy you had a baby at 18 when you're 23, maybe you won't. But...and you can choose ignore this....the chances of you being with your boyfriend when you're 23 are very slim, the chances are you'll love your baby but you'll wish you had waited when you're 23.

I know several girls who had babies at 16/17/18 none of their relationships lasted long once the reality of a screaming, crying baby that needs to be looked after 24 hours a day, every day became a reality with the boyfriends who then realised they missed hanging out with their mates, and missed having money to spend on themselves. You might not like what Hop has written but it's very true. Not one of my friends who was a young mum would do it again at such a young age and all of them wish they had waited and lived life first.

You've got years and years to have children, but once you have a baby there is no going back, why rush? Why don't you wait a year and see how you feel? If you're still with your boyfriend and happy in a year then think again.