GETTING PREGNANT AND WHAT I NEED TO KNOW

[Jael123]

I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?

Anything would help, thankyou!

Jael please think about what you want to do. I was pregnant at 18 and had my first baby at 19 and it is financially so hard as in no winter coat hard. The housing situation was the worse thing, either scummy landlord or awful high rise council flats. Getting a baby, pram and food shop up seven flights of stairs because the urine soaked lift has broke again is not fun. Roll on yearly 10 years and I had my second at 29. I had a big detached house by then, my dh and I had a car each, I was a SAHM, DH had a good career and you cant compare the 2 experiences of being a mum. Tiredness wise its much harder when you are older but everything else is so much easier. The next few years were lovely too, going to toddler groups and meeting other parents my own age instead of being the young one is a lot more enjoyable. I am mid 40s now with one grown up and 2 nearly grown up children. What is the rush?

Take a pregnancy or conception multi vitamin. You should be taking these at least 6m before you get pregnant so you've got sufficient 'background' levels of the vitamins in your system. Please please do this it's so important for your baby's health.

Please move house BEFORE you get pregnant. I am suffering from HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) - the severe form of morning sickness. Except it's not just nausea, it's debilitating. If I stand up for more than 10 mins at a time I'm sick. I can't do anything. I'm weak as a kitten. Not only am I not well enough to move furniture, there is no way I'd be well enough to do house viewings to pick somewhere to move to. You have to get used to planning for the worst if your going to get pregnant / have a baby, start now. Be realistic about how ill pregnancy might make you.

In the time between now and living in the place where you're going to have your baby, you could try using an app like P-tracker. You input when you are bleeding and it works out your monthly cycle for you and when you're likely to be fertile. Don't start TTC as soon as you come off contraception - it's best to give your body a couple of months to adjust to 'natural' hormones / menstrual cycle before TTC. Also it'll be easier to know when to take a pregnancy test if you know your cycle.

If you and your partner have talked about marriage, so it's not something you object to on principle, I would advise that you get married before having a baby. It makes your legal position much clearer. If you love each other enough to have a baby, why not enough to get married? I would be very suspicious of any man telling me that trying for a baby is more important. Stability is the most important thing. Also, I knew I wanted a baby with DH from about a month after we met, but one of the reasons I wanted to wait until after marriage was coz I wanted to drink at my wedding!!

We started trying the week after our wedding (used condoms for my first cycle off hormone contraception) and it took 3 months, so it can be quick. One of my friends fell pregnant second time she had unprotected sex (!) and another of my friends was trying for 13 months.

I think you need to ask yourself what you've got to offer a child, not just now, but for the rest of their life. You're a child yourself, whether you feel like it or not, with no life experience or wisdom to impart on a new little being. Why on earth would you pass up the opportunity to study in Paris? Picture your daughter at 18, earning her first bit of cash and about set off out into the big wide world, turning round and telling you she wants to throw an opportunity like that away to try for a baby instead. If that was one of my daughters I'd feel like a complete failure as a mother. If they grow up with their only ambition being to be a mum I'd be horrified.
I think there are plenty of things you've perhaps not considered. Can both your salaries stretch to running a family home as opposed to living with your parents? And will one income cover it while you're on mat leave? How about when you return to work? Full time? A nursery will cost you at best £700-£800 a month full time. That doesn't get much better when you're paying after school clubs, activities, clothing a child that grows by the minute.
Can you afford the deposit and fees to buy (£37,500 it cost us to buy our family home - and we still needed to furnish it). If not are you planning to rent? Do you feel that would offer the sort of stability you'd want to raise your child / children in. My BIL & his GF were onto there 3rd rented home by the time baby number 3 arrived and were evicted when he was days old because the landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on it. They'd ploughed their bit of savings into doing it up as they were as they were hoping to buy it. They know they will never be able to bring 3 children up and save to buy their own home, they can't afford any niceties, nor are they able to save for either their or their children's futures. One of their sons if G&T, they admit they have neither the means or the experience to encourage and support him as GF wanted nothing more than to start a family at 17. How is that fair on their lovely boy?
Or how about my sister who is desperate for a sibling for her daughter but has a tiny home with nowhere to put a second child. Her house value has dropped and they have no savings to move somewhere bigger, but the age gap and her medical conditions are putting pressure on her to start ttc. Does she go for it anyway hoping their situation improves or not, knowing the impact it will have on all of them if things don't work out? What an awful choice to have to make.
Give yourself a few years to live a bit, you've the rest of your life to be a mum, and once you are it's not a role you can step down from.

I wouldn't advise the OP gets married. If she goes ahead with her baby plans the chances of them still being together in 5 years are very slim.

I'm probably feeling a little bit of first trimester rage here but jael get over yourself!!

I am almost. I have been with my partner for 5 years.
We own a house.
He owns a very successful business.
I am doing a work based degree in a very good field of work for a very solid and well known company.

I have just found out I'm pregnant whilst having a coil.
We are NOT ready!
We wanted to travel, and for me to finish my degree and pay a few more years of the mortgage before we started trying.

You are too young! That is advice, like it or lump it.

Ex

Posted too soon.

Why don't you explain to everyone about this marvellous job that will see you through the hardest and most challenging time in any woman's life?
Maybe explain how you will pay for everything when you aren't working,

Or what qualifications you have that won't be expired and useless by the time you look for work again??

You need to wake up and grow up

deepblue I think that's very harsh. With respect guys, none of you know the OP. OP and OH might be a forever couple. None of us have even met them, we don't know.

I don't understand why getting married would make the situation worse? Let's say she does have a baby. In the reality of her situation, she suddenly realises she doesn't want to go back to work ASAP. OH gets s payrise, they decide they can afford for her to be a SAHM. They break up two years later. I'm not a lawyer, but it's my understanding from other threads that a married SAHM who gets divorced is likely to end up in a better financial position than a SAHP who was 'just' (sorry, no rudeness intended) cohabiting with the other parent. Also, sounds awful, but what if he dies? Again, wouldn't she be better off if she was his wife?

Planning and waiting for a wedding can really bring you together as a couple. It forces you to communicate about something which you might have wildly different ideas on. It forces you to budget and be realistic about how much money you have and what you can afford. It makes you prioritise. It makes you deal with the others family - often wedding planning is when you start saying no to MIL for example. All things that are important to practice before getting pregnant, I would have thought. It doesn't have to be expensive, OP, and can be a lot cheaper than a baby!

Unless you object to marriage on idealistic grounds, I simply cannot see why you wouldn't be better off as married parents rather than unmarried parents getting ready for a flaming

It's not harsh. Marriages are costly. Divorces expensive and messy. Marriages amongst young people are twice as likely to end in divorce.

I cant believe how rude some people have been to a girl asking for honest advice.

There is no need to be rude and at least she is asking advice before rushing into it.

Jael Im 25 started ttc 15 months ago and due to me not ovulating we havent managed to get pg yet.

I have always wanted a child and I wouldnt care what age I had one.

Even now ive been with my dp for 5 years we own a house 2 cars and are both working, we been travelling and had our 'fun BUT I would still have had a child earlier because I know no matter what I would have made sure any child would have had anything they wanted and a family that loved them.

It is up to you when you are ready and good luck to you.

The only part I do agree with is living with your dp for a while first, men are not easy to live with and it takes a while to get used to.

To everyone else being nasty because she is 18 for hundreds of years women have had children from a very early age and managed it, most of you wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for that fact.

" hundreds of years women have had children from a very early age and managed it, most of you wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for that fact."

Yes- many of these children were raised in abject poverty, malnourished, lice ridden. Living in overcrowded conditions. Women often died young or in childbirth.

Having children later is aligned to better maternal and infant health.

Yes, for hundreds of years women had children early - doesn't make it a good decision, I'm pretty sure most of those women in the olden days didn't have much choice. They got married, had babies and were housewives. They didn't have the chance to study in Paris, to save money, to actually build a career, to make life as secure as possible before a another human arrives on the scene who is totally dependant on you.

I didnt grow up in a family where we were rich and owned a house etc.

My mum had just turned 20 when she had me, my nan was 17 when she had her and my great nan 18 when she had her and yet were all healthy, we had happy child hoods.

I would change my upbringing for the world.

If Jael chooses to have children it is her choice and im glad that shes asking advice, im just sorry she had replies from some of you.

Give her advise but dont be rude!!! Some of you are acting like children!!

Shamelessly marking place in case this one gets updated rather than the other!

Having secure accommodation was the biggie for me. I coped well emotionally and physically at 19 but the constant moving was the hardest thing. Even lack of money wasn't as bad as the housing situation. I moved during my university course because the landlord hadn't paid his mortgage and once just after ( we managed to buy a house) and that isn't ideal with a DC.

x blueberry-

There were many unhappy childhoods too though. many children were raised in damp, squalid and overcrowded conditions. the fact that they survived to reproduce is no glory.

Hahahah can I just point out that it's a known fact that younger parents do a better job that old parents because younger people can handle the stress a lot better than older people and as for actual pregnancy it's a lot easier on a younger more energetic body than an older one. So I think you people should do some of your own research.

Hahahah can I just point out that it's a known fact that younger parents do a better job that old parents because younger people can handle the stress a lot better than older people and as for actual pregnancy it's a lot easier on a younger more energetic body than an older one. So I think you people should do some of your own research.

If you can find a piece of academic research that proves this, please share. I wish to be enlightened.

Deepblue That can be said for any age and any type of person your argument isn't valid.

Just because someone is young doesn't mean they are not completely capable and maybe even a better parent than some older people.

"...To everyone else being nasty because she is 18 for hundreds of years women have had children from a very early age and managed it, most of you wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for that fact...."

Blueberry - for most of those hundreds of years, women didn't have the chance to get a good education, to the same level,as,the men of their time. Nor did they have careers. We now think at both education and a career are good things for a woman to have, and whilst it is by no means impossible to achieve these having had a baby at 18, it is certainly a damned sight harder.

All we are saying is that the OP should be making the most of these opportunities before starting a family - there is plenty of time for her to be taking on the responsibilities of parenthood, after she's had the fun of university and starting a career, up encumbered by these responsibilities.

Honestly, if one of my dc had a choice between parenthood and studying in Paris, I would be shoving their passport into their hands and putting them on a Eurostar!

What is your career if you don't mind me asking?

You have been accepted to university in Paris? Go! For the love of god woman take it! What an opportunity! That will never come again.

Honestly, my non judgemental advice is get a flat together, live together for a year at least then start trying.

Can you link to that study jael?

Having had a baby in my teens, 20's and 30's I found my pregnancy had the same impact on my body. Almost identical labours, birth weights etc. What I did find different was my tiredness increased and energy levels decreased as I got older. But obviously everyone is different.

SDT then say it nicely there are a select few on here being purely spiteful and that is just childish.

Right, I have savings- I have a car, I currently work in a bank, I also have a second job doing freelance photography, which is why I have traveled a lot already due to photoshoots, I earn 9.80 an hour at the bank working around 37 hours a week, currently. My freelance job earns me around 300-400 a month, I am now looking at flats and I am headin out on Sunday (my day off) to look at some places in the two local cities. Yes I have taken onboard the living together idea. I can give my child love, care, clothes food, I'm sorry but if my heart is in this and I want to give a baby, my baby everything I can, even if it meant I didn't have a winter coat. If I'm willing to give up my 20's etc to bring up a child with the best upbringing I possibly can(which what I'm seeing is pretty good compared to most teenage pregnancies) then what's the issue. My boyfriend earns around £700 a week, he works 5 days a week. We aren't just going to break apart. If we do we have spoken about what would happen. We do really want to get married but we want our savings to go toward bringing a new life into this world rather than securing our life's together. I am not naive. If I didn't think he was in this for real I wouldn't even think about having a baby with him. We've been talking about this for over a year and been actually planning this for the last 3 months. So please someone explain to me the problem?

Jael - you can't know what it is going to be like living together until you do it - which is why people are saying you should live with your dp for 6-12 months before trying for a baby.

And do you think it will be realistic to go and study in Paris with a pre-schooler in tow? How will you afford childcare? How will your child cope with childcare in a language they don't speak?

If you choose a child over studying in Paris, do,you think you could end up regretting having passed up that opportunity?

Do you think it is as easy to study at university level with a child as it is without? Do you think you can get all that university has to offer - not just the academic side, but the social and leisure side too - with a child in tow?