GETTING PREGNANT AND WHAT I NEED TO KNOW

[Jael123]

I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?

Anything would help, thankyou!

I've always wanted at child. I know I have a lot of things going for me right now, uni etc, but in a few years time, who knows? I could even move to Paris. I don't know where my life's going to go all I know is that as long as I can keep my baby happy, I'm happy. I may sound childish, stubborn, selfish. But this really is what I want and if I can give my baby a good upbringing, why not?

Do you just want one baby or two or three close together?

Jael, your employer (I mean the organisation as a whole) should have a written maternity policy that sets out what the company will/won't do and what is expected of you. This should be available from your HR dept. You don't need an in depth meeting with your immediate line manager. They should also have a written flexible working policy should you wish to request to return to work part time. Again available from your HR dept. These policies may also be available on your company's intranet or similar if they have one.

but in a few years time, who knows? I could even move to Paris. I don't know where my life's going to go

Surely that is something you would have thought about if planning a family? Does your boyfriend know he might be moving to paris? Giving up his job?

You havent explained why its not possible to wait until you are in a better position. What benefit is there to havjng the child now as opposed to in a year or two when you have a home together and a better idea of how you get along living together and sorting finances?

Thankyou, I've barely even spoken about it at work but yes I will look into that. And also for now, just the one- maybe in a few years or more I will think about more.

Did you get uni offers with just AS levels?

We have a good enough income to cover finances now. My boyfriend is sat with my now so he is aware of everything I've said. He wanted to move to America in the future the little dreamer. (Yes I am aware that is a fantasy) and why now? Because this is a fantastic time for me. Right now I feel I'm in a good mindset for this to happen. Also I've been waiting and I really do want this and I feel I can support the baby as of now

No I got the offers based on my predicted grades etc coming out of my diploma that I've just finished. And if I got the grades I got the place, which I exceeded the grades I needed.

Jael I know lots of girls your age, I teach in a secondary school.

All of them have different ideas about the future, but the vast majority are looking to 'set themselves up' and realise a few ambitions before settling down.

I had DS 19 months ago (I'm 33). He is amazing (biased). BUT I am eaten up with worry and guilt all the time. Am I doing this right? Will I mess him up? Am I asking too much of my parents if I ask for help? what if he gets ill? Is he eating properly? Whats that rash he's got? It literally never ends.

Be carefree for a couple of years at least. Please. Because your life starts again when you have a LO, and the opportunity to have no worries will never be yours again.

I have a family member who has been with his partner since both were 14. When they were 18 they started talking about buying a house together and were sure this was what they wanted. So family member's parents very generously paid a deposit and 6 months rent on a flat for them to test out living together before comitting to a mortgage. They lasted 7 weeks together in the flat. Arguments over bills and money, housework and how each was spending free time. Interestingly whilst living at separate homes they both wanted nothing more than to spend every single minute together, then when they actually got that they found that was actually a bit claustrophobic at 18 and both wanted to still socialise with separate friends which caused resentment and rows. The couple gave up the flat and moved back home for another few years, did the partying and travelling thing and then felt ready to settle down around 22 so again rented together.

A fantastic time for you right now? You are fresh out of school and still living with your parents. Are you even engaged to your boyfriend or is that another thing you have just 'talked' about?

Your boyfiend wants to go to the US and you want Paris? Another 'talk' you need to have there i think.

IM LOOKING AT FLATS/HOUSES ON SUNDAY (not shouting just making sure it's seen) I don't feel that will happen with me and my boyfriend however. It might take me 3 months to fall pregnant. I've decided not to try until a deposit etc is put onto a house because I don't want to be pregnant with that kind of stress so yes I am waiting but no not for 6months- 1 year.. For as long as it takes me to settle into my own place with my partner

Do you think childish, stubborn and stupid (your words) are the best attributes for a good parent?

I don't feel I am those things

It easily takes 6 months to settle into your first home. First time living independently, first time living with a partner etc.

You know you could live there 12 months, be 9 months pregnant and have to leave and find a new place? (and need to have another deposit for your next flat before you get your old one back?)

Etc...

I've got to give you some credit - you have come back and faced the music and it seems you are actually considering some of what has been said. You seem very determined to go ahead with this course of action so best wishes to you. Let's hope when you look back at your life in twenty years that you were right and things turned out as you expected. But life has a way of taking "plans" and turning them upside down.... But hey, it sounds like you have the perfect back up plan in that your family is happy to raise your baby.

Jael you said you would be looking at flats in plymouth and exeter, now they are rather far apart. Have you spoken to your families regarding this impending pregnancy? What support network do you have if you intend on retur kng to work etc? And are you costing for 1 child or havenyou thought about any subsequent children?
I had my first at 22 then at 25. The two things i wished i had done prior was , get married, so i could get hammered and actually have a honeymoon. The honeymoon went out the window due to kids and secondly and very important, i wish we had bought a house. I really emphasise that one, we have made certain choices that mean we will be in rented for rather a long time and i just want my own home, its because we made yhe decisionthat our funds go towards their schooling. Think about the practicalities. By allmeans have children, but set yourself up first. And i thinkyoull find that older mums may not have so much energy but they are a damn sight wiser and more patient! Coming from a younger mum.

Yes because you'll be settled in within a couple of weeks

Wait until the first few bills come in.

And something in your house or flat breaks.

And then you want pregnancy on top of that?

Best of luck to you...

Ok so this young adult would like a baby, I can't offer any more advice on how to do this but I can share a story which I agree isn't the same for everyone but it's a concern of my own.

A midwife relative once told me that 14 is actually the age a woman's body is prime for hosting a baby.
Every year from then your ability decreases.
I decided I would wait, get married, own a home, enjoy myself, travel, at 27 I decided I was 'ready' 3 years later and I fell pregnant with my gorgeous daughter . ( I bled the entire pregnancy and she was under birth weight and has a heart defect.)
Since then I have continued to try for 3 and half years for another, sadly however we have had nothing but 6 miscarriages.

I have been given the title of unexplained infertility? Could it have been partly due to my age and being ever so slightly more sensible? Apparently so.

Now the OP may be at a stage where she mentally feels she is ready, non of us can say how she is feeling they are her feelings to be had just because we all didn't feel like that doesn't make them wrong, or us wrong. The world would be a boring place,
I have met some wonderful mummies very old and very young and they both have made beautiful well rounded children.

In an ideal world yes marriage , house and plenty of money is fab but non of this makes for a better bought up child surely?

Now for you OP if it's what you really want and you can visualise bringing a child up on your own as not saying it will happen but it does ( trust me happened to me as lovely husband left me ) then go for it, they are the most costly, time consuming, patience testing little bundles of love you will ever experience.

try before you buy comes to mind. see if you are both compatible in the bedroom first before trying for a baby...

I personally don't see anything wrong with having a baby at 18. I wish I'd started younger due to health reasons, tbh. It's possible to have your children young and sort out a career later on. I know one mum who has five children and she's 26. She's also a student midwife!! It can be done.

Exeter and Plymouth are 40 mins apart, I love in Exeter my boyfriend lives in Plymouth, I used to catch the bus every day from Exeter to Plymouth and still do a lot now:)

My concern for you as a parent Jael, is that you seem to have a very set attitude, and attack others who disagree with your choices.

So how might you react to perceived criticism about:

Cloth/disposable nappies
Bf/ff
Early weaning/weaning
Your child's weight
Your child's diet
The clothes your child wears
The behaviour your child exhibits?

Have you looked into raising a child? Not just a cute immobile baby?

Have you considered more children? Parenting school age children in your early twenties? Have you thought about being a wohp or a sahp, considered childcare?

There is much more to becoming a mum than pregnancy and cute babies, and I just wonder if in all your planning, you have considered that this is not just the rest of your life, but the rest of the child's life?

Do you feel, that you can be the best parent you can be, at this age - that there is nothing you could do/learn which might enrich your child's experience of you as a mum?

Having read all the posts, I do think, Jael, that you are doing the right thing to ask other mums for insight and advice. Lots of teenage mums have ended up in that situation by complete accident and are utterly unprepared to be parents. You do seem to be in a relatively good position and to have thought about things to a certain extent.

I would still say that you need to live as a couple with your boyfriend for a while before becoming pregnant. I think you have taken this on board so I won't bash on about it.

What I will say is that, for me, I changed a huge amount from when I was 18 to ten years later. I had done a huge amount of different things and learnt a lot about myself and the world. Having a wealth of life experience really helps with dealing with the challenges of being a parent. That's not to say you wouldn't be a good parent now, but it may be harder and more challenging.