Karma's a load of old shite! The BESH have gone through a fair old heap of bollocks lately so it's time we had some good news!

[Fabuluce]

In order to join the BESH you MUST be over 30 and TTC for baybee no. 1 for over a year, be ok with swearing, shout CUNT at the world on a daily basis and howling at the moon should be a regular occurrence. BESHtionnaires must be submitted - no admittance allowed without it (we just want to snigger at your lesbian crush - it's true).

Revised BESHtionnare for reference

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. Number of pets?

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

8. Lesbian crush?

9. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
   a) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
   b) Over 100 quid
   c) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

10. Which of these sentences is appalling:
    a) Off to see the consultant today!!! So excited!!!!!
    b) Gud luck hun sprinkling babydust for ya lol xxx
    c) both of the above

11. How barren are you?
    a) childless and TTC for at least one year
    b) one child and TTC #2 for at least two years
    c) I've been trying for 2 cycles and the wait is driving me mad!

If (c) then the BESH is not the thread for you.

MissH I generally go for fucksticks of fucking arse on a day to day basis, I save CUNT for special occasions like my mate giving birth to twins while I was having a mc, or DH's best mate's wife giving birth a couple of weeks before my edd.

Fab- Hows' the house moving coming along? Are you all done yet?

Fankle - I hope you've had a good weekend away, did the Bot find you?

Fizz - Being BESH is obviously allowed! I have managed to avoid FB and to be fair I hid all the people I know with kids from my feed so have been spared the gipping brought on by over enthusiastic descriptions of the shit card they got from their amazing offspring. I cannot wait to be a mum and gush about the shit card my offspring made at nursery

Euro - Glad you're feeling better, here's hoping there's no more illness! Though I'd quite like to poop properly again so maybe there's something in a stomach bug!?!

Cherry - Fuck Your Mother! I don't know her but if mine said some crap like that I'd be mighty pissed off! I'm glad the horses got out for a run, I can imagine the relief for them being able to gambol across the field and get rid of the winter cobwebs!

Dead Legs to anyone I forgot!

Sorry for being so me me me, I just don't have anyone other than BR to talk to about stuff and really appreciate being able to come here!

I'm waiting to see how it goes overnight, if there's no more bleeding I'll go into work tomorrow (last shift for a week!). If it's just a small bleed I will take it as a lesson learnt not to instantly panic next time don't hold me to that

Tree- Fucksticks of fucking arse is good, I think those two situations definitely deserve loud bellows of cunt though!

Bugs - I've instigated a no sex rule already, I explained yesterday that there wouldn't be any till I was more confident this one is staying around. Think it may last longer than first thought though!

Oh Fizz I forgot to say! I am also sending you COW thoughts! I also sniggered @ your nephew puking everywhere!

Oh no missh. Are you resting now? It doesn't always mean the worse. I had full on crampy red bleeding this time round, but I know it's such a worry.

cherry that is horribly insensitive. It must be a hard day for her, but surely she realises that other people are mourning too?

barking you sound like one of us. Come on in. Infidelity is allowed - I'm also a 10+er.

I've just been to visit my mum. She seems to be getting a bit better. Thank fuck the "something" they saw on the chest x-ray just seems to be some damage caused by bronchitis a couple of years ago. The arm seems to be healing ok. The fly in the appointment is the mask she is supposed to wear to hep with the sleep apnoea. She is claustrophobic and just can't stand it. I tried it and have to say it is not a pleasant sensation (it blows air at you all the time). Hmmm.

Euro - I'm sorry about your mum, glad she's starting to get a bit better, I can't even sleep in ear plugs so can't imagine how uncomfortable (and noisy) one if those masks would be.

I'm resting, sat on the sofa working on a crochet blanket while BR makes dinner (I'm very lucky as he does all the cooking, he thinks of it as his crochet! ). Not used to resting, our even the idea of giving myself a rest/break, very much of the "well I just have to get on with it" type. I've also eaten a whole Lindt Bunny!

Glad things have settled, miss h. Am crossing my fingers and toes that it stays that way.

Welcome barking You seem BESH enough for me! Though orange in your gin - really? I'm more of a lime girl so even lemon is pushing it for me.

And euro I'm glad to hear your mum is one the mend. Not sure what to recommend about the mask though - sounds horrid.

She's just picked up a couple of woo CDs and a little MP3 player bugs. We were just showing her how to rip the CDs to get them on there this afternoon. I reckon the hypnotherapy lady I saw about wigging out over egg collection would help her but she's probably too far away.

Evening all.

I have survived Mothering Sunday. Last year was probably the only Mother's Day I will enjoy as I had both a baby and my Mum. This year without Mum was awful.

Blah blah blah and all that.

Ooh Dor

Well hags, today is nearly over, let's be thankful for that.

More bleeding for me, looks like the calm before the storm, well call Dr for emergency appointment in the morning, we have hit the magic number three so hopefully get a referral now. BR is nearly as upset as me and now doesn't want me to get pregnant again without knowing what's up as it's not fair.

Yay Barking my 'ol mucker, welcome to our fishy gin palais.

How's the gargoyle taking shape dishy? You bearing up OK?

Thanks for the welcomes .

cherry sorry your mother is being insensitive. A friend of mine who has struggled with depression on and off for years tried to take her own life at Christmas. Her mum has sponged off her all weekend, being incredibly demanding and expecting her to make up for 'what she put her through' by giving her an amazing mothers day weekend - not just day, this shit started on friday night!

MissH is there any chance this isn't it? So sorry .

There's always a chance but I'm expecting the worst, will see overnight, see GP tomorrow hopefully. Poor BR, it's his birthday on Tuesday, what a way to celebrate

MissH so sorry about this roller coaster shit you're going through. How are you this morning?

Well, that bastard arrived this morning . So fed up of all this trying and failing. So very fed up and bored of it. 2 and a half years for fucks sake!!

. Orange in gin?! Woah! Like most of the world I am a lime girl. At least you didn't say cucumber (that's just wrong).

A hagtastic morning to you all, and wet towel flicks all round. Got a bit of catching up to do on posts - our lovely new laptop broke yesterday so back on the old steam-powered monster that takes 15 minutes to load the interweb.

Hi, treefrog! Nice to meet you. What a godawful story that is about your friend's mum. I'm guessing having a mum like that goes some way to explaining your friend's depression . . . I went NC with my mum for a year or two, after I went into therapy and realised how much she'd damaged me - when I eventually got back in touch again she spent a good three years being a massive martyr and taking nasty digs at me about how I'd caused her so much suffering and how she couldn't trust me again. Never mind that the reason was her abusing me. Amazing.

I did send a card, but mainly in the interests of staving off a Scene. Not nice to stand there looking at all the lovely cards people will send to their mums, realising that you'll never have that, then choosing the most neutral one possible whilst grinding your teeth.

Bar that, I made no concession to the dreaded MD. I spent it digging horeshit into the garden. My lovely plum tree and currant bushes arrive this week! (ridiculously excited).

missH: really hoping for you. At least if this is no. 3, you'll get the chance to find out what's going on. Not that that's any bloody consolation, obviously

cherry: I've selected a spot on the Cathedral of Cuntishness. Now I just need a massive bit of rock.

fankle, ah for fuck's sake indeed . . . it's so unfair

you are right about the cucumber. I'd go lime all the way.

aaaand as if on cue . . .

a passive-aggressive guilt-trip e-mail from my mother.

Apparently she was 'expecting' me to call yesterday. Never mind the card and text, they apparently weren't good enough. 'I do hope you are not poorly'

She knows I'm having another miscarriage, and I've asked her for some space, but obviously her right to be made a fuss of trumps my needs. It's terribly selfish of me not to want to ring her and, inevitably (she has no tact) discuss my fourth lost pregnancy with her. On fucking Mother's Day.

Should have just stayed NC.

Thank you Dishy. Your plum tree and berry bush (arf arf) sound exciting...I got MG to pull up a crappy looking xmas tree that was clearly planted in the garden by previous owners and looked shit. So there's now a gap that needs filling. Was thinking of planting roses but have no idea what time of year to do that. I always think 'I'm going to learn about gardening' (kinda like my 'I'm going to learn how to sew')...but then never seem to have the time to actually do it. These are the things I would do on maternity leave...obviously whilst being a fabby yummy mummy and domestic goddess in reality it would be more exhausted mummy, unwashed hair scraped back, no make up, mess everywhere. One day...it's nice to dream.

Fizz I laughed at your nephew spewing everywhere and shared in your satisfaction about it. No child of yours will will ever ruin MD like that (like me, you will be a vision of yummy mummyness with perfectly behaved baybee).

Treefrog interesting you mentioned all the woo that I've been trying in your BESHtionnaire. Although I've not actually gone wheat free, I do wonder if there's anything in it. Have you noticed it helping at all? Also, sorry that circumstances brought you here and you've had a rotten time..but you are in good company here. The BESH support is like finding the perfect sports bra

After making the mistake of looking at FB yesterday morning and seeing the first half dozen puke-inducing comments (like..'wishing all mummies and mummies to be a fantastic...yawn, spew, yawn, fuck off) I decided not to look at it for the rest of the day. I've come off the evil that I call 'in your face book' a few times...but there are a few friends I quite like hearing from, so I end up going back on it. Then wishing I hadn't. It's a love hate thing.

So I'm thinking of going back on clomid tomorrow. I have 3 months of it left over from when I gave up on it after I had the weirdest period in November. Might as well while waiting on appointment at ACU...what do you think Hags?

Bloody hell Dish your mother sounds like very hard work. Just try to ignore and rise above her nonsense. She clearly has ishoos.

plums . . . fnar fnar

I've also just realised I wrote 'horeshit' and not 'horseshit' in my first post

RUDE

I don't know much about decorative gardening, fanks, but most things which are grown in containers can be planted any time of year. Just have a look down the garden centre and see if there's anything there you like - if they're selling it, you can plant it out.

If there's been an xmas tree there for a while, the ground's probably a bit poor so you might want to work in a bit of organic matter (compost, manure etc) before planting something new. Good luck!

I am working like hell to get the bulk of the garden and house sorted out whilst I'm not preggo, cos I know if it ever happens it'll be greasy hair and exhaustion all the way. Of course sod's law says it'll all be finished and I'll still be sitting here baybeeless, wondering what to do next

Yeah, I'm trying to ignore my mother. It's hard because I just want to tell her to piss off and not to ever contact me again, but I also can't be arsed with the confrontation. It's easier just to fob her off, pull the shutters down and cut communication to the bare minimum. I'm just so angry that she doesn't care enough about me even to lay off the attacks when I'm in the middle of an MC.

@ your mother Dishes. What an ego! I purposely didn't phone my grandma who I very much dislike and is awful yesterday as I think a card is enough and she's not my mother

As has been said before, make yourself your priority, I find deep breaths and therapy help!

I've been to GP this morning, she's wonderful, not able to do anything at 5 weeks but she's going to phone EPU at lunch for advice and try to get me a scan on Monday at 6 weeks. Luckily I've only had brown stuff on wiping since last night so I'm feeling a little less menkul, only a bit though!

I'll do a proper catch up tonight from the laptop!

Well done hags on getting through yesterday!