Karma's a load of old shite! The BESH have gone through a fair old heap of bollocks lately so it's time we had some good news!

[Fabuluce]

In order to join the BESH you MUST be over 30 and TTC for baybee no. 1 for over a year, be ok with swearing, shout CUNT at the world on a daily basis and howling at the moon should be a regular occurrence. BESHtionnaires must be submitted - no admittance allowed without it (we just want to snigger at your lesbian crush - it's true).

Revised BESHtionnare for reference

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. Number of pets?

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

8. Lesbian crush?

9. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
   a) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
   b) Over 100 quid
   c) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

10. Which of these sentences is appalling:
    a) Off to see the consultant today!!! So excited!!!!!
    b) Gud luck hun sprinkling babydust for ya lol xxx
    c) both of the above

11. How barren are you?
    a) childless and TTC for at least one year
    b) one child and TTC #2 for at least two years
    c) I've been trying for 2 cycles and the wait is driving me mad!

If (c) then the BESH is not the thread for you.

Cake?? Did someone mention cake??? Mmmmmm

I made a rhubarb crumble with the first rhubarb from our old garden today. There's something about cooking with your own produce that makes it so much more lovely but I think the inclusion of crushed gingernuts, pecans and Brazils also helped. And of course lashings of custard too. Handily there's a perfect breakfast sized piece leftover

Miss you're doing really well lovely. Just keep on keeping on, and the hours and days will pass until you start feeling like you again. Definitely hide away under a duvet for as long as you can. That wallow time is important.

Oh and I'm generally known as the spelling and grammar police amongst my friends. I do the odd lol and rofl but apart from that I really really hate text speak and it is so unnecessary when we're not limited to 140 characters anymore. But I also hate autocorrect for making up crazy replacements for my well thought words and I hate it even more when I don't notice it until after posting!

'Bubba', for me, is the name of an enormous American redneck.

bugs - pregnant much?

ooh, forgot to say - fab, that rhubarb sounds lovely. With ginger, mmmm.

I planted my plum tree and currant bushes last week, so (provided the bloody scaffolders don't trample all over them) in a couple of summers I can make tasty crumbles too!

Well fellow bitter one's, my body really does not fuck around when it comes to really not wanting a baybee! Pissed in the obligatory pot this morning so I can provide the EPU with a sample and decided to use up my last test (to get rid), BFN already! So my loss was probably last week, at 4+5 or so, exactly like before. I'm really hoping this fact/pattern shows up a reason. Thin lining? Low progesterone? Bah! I'm very bemused!

Wish me luck hags (to cope with the duffed), scan at 10!

P.S. I'll catch up with everyone this afternoon!

Morning! I am supremely hungover (was at a wedding and have the day off today, promise I'm not skiving guv) but needed to get my head out from under the duvet of real ale farts (not mine!) so thought I'd come and check in on you lot!

you'll get there, and when you do it will be all the sweeter for all the shit you've had to go through.

barking that IS an improvement! Glad your new herb/diet regime seems to be helping. It's done the opposite for me. According to CBFM I ov'ed CD10 this month instead of previous CD16.
Probably shouldn't have got so wasted last night or eaten all that wheat and dairy. Fuck it, it was worth it!

My (70 year old) Dad's version of text speak is to write properly but just miss whole bloody words out. It becomes a mission to figure out what the hell he's on about half the time!

I'd like to say the sound of rhubarb crumble is appetising but right now I think I need to mainline bacon grease. And maybe a Bloody Mary.

Alright, parsley

Christ, real ale farts. Why is there not an emoticon for nausea?

I'm very sparsely self-employed, so I'm permanently skiving

BESHt of luck to you, MissH! Scan waiting rooms make me a bit stabby nowadays. They bring out the judgy worst in me. There's always someone there who looks like she's never seen a vitamin, with a sketchy tobacco-scented partner impersonating a 3-day-old corpse, and yet they've STILL managed to create a new life when I haven't. Infuriating, and all the worse for knowing I'm being a terrible judger and have no idea what their situation is. Bastards.

Bastards

ROLF and indeed LOL

(Sorry, being facetious but the last few posts really have made me chuckle). I too am a bit of a grammar nazi, although you wouldn't think it from some of my posts, which, when re-read, sound like an illiterate had written. I married MG mainly because of his excellent grasp of punctuation, grammar and spelling. I'm only half joking- any man who sent me less than impressive texts didn't stand a chance. I'm not even an English teacher.

MissH, good luck for the scan. You are doing really well. You totally have every right to throw a wobly at any time. Don't be too harsh on yourself for being understandably upset. Ignore the smug pregnants in the waiting room. These people have no idea what ttc is and are therefore ignorant fools. (Judging much?)

So I had quite an alcohol fuelled weekend- even indulged in a bit of drunken dancing with an old uni friend

Had no side effects whatsoever from the clomid, which is very surprising. On day 8 now and have commenced the shagging (although poor MG is not himself. He's finding it difficult coming to terms with his dad's illness. I'm worried about him and feel like I'm not being a very good wife... going out drinking with my friends isn't exactly supportive ).

Dishy- which type of berry bush (snort) did you plant? Meant to say thanks for the rose bush tip..hoping for some decent weather this weekend so we can do a bit of work in the garden.

Fab- you sound very nigella Lawson with your yum rhubarb crumble.

Christ on a bike, MN is annoying today.

1. 'im ttc af is two weeks late what should i do'

POAS for fuck's sake, it's not 1520

1. 'Because you have mentioned DRINK in your post, OP, even though it's not the main point of your question, I'm going to hoik my bosom into the air and state that drinking two bottles of wine a week means you have an ALCOHOL PROBLEM, and point out that I personally only drink A THIMBLE OF INVALID PORT ONCE A MONTH and even then I make a cat's bum mouth so I can't really enjoy it. And all doctors in the entire world would agree that I am right. YOU NEED HELP'

oh . . er

red, white, and blackcurrants, fankle. I was at the garden centre the other day and it was full of lovely rose bushes (arf). Good luck with the planting!

Nethuns?

Oh good, I thought it was just me noticing that, not quite brave enough to tell them to fuck off to netmums though! I thought it might be an age thing? too many youngsters joining in?!

Dishes - be glad you never accidentally went to netmums instead of mumsnet! Vomitus!

Ah - I'm up to date. I just whacked it through the search engine and then popped over there to have a look.

It's like all the people I didn't like at school have got together with some bad acid and a web design guide.

MN does seem to be overrun by humourless puritans right now. They seems to have a translation guide that we don't:

For 'I don't want people to shit on my downstairs loo because it doesn't have a window' read: 'I hate people with bowel disease and think they should never leave the house'

For 'It's a nightmare when people let their kids scream in enclosed public spaces' read: 'I loathe autistic children and like to tut at their parents in supermarkets'

For 'I like to drink wine with my friends on weekends' read: 'I am a functioning alcoholic'

Those are just the few that I've noticed. It's an epidemic!

'They seems'?

I should be called Bubba.

likewise cletter

How was this morning missh?

I don't dare venture out in to the rest of MN that often, too many triggers out there. I always end up writing responses that would definitely fall foul of cletters translation guide, but then delete them before I embarrass myself by posting them.

I could really do with some bush advice (arf, snort etc.). We have a flower bed in a nice sunny position where nothing grows (mainly cos the cat keeps shitting in it). Maybe we should get some established fruit bushes to go in there instead of wasting our time trying to get things to actually, y'know, grow.

Cats keep shitting in my strawberry bed, parsley. On the last occasion right on top of a plant

I heard they don't like the smell of citrus peel (much worse than the smell of catshit, obvs) so I've been strewing tangerine peel around the gaff.

What soil have you got? Clay, loam, sandy? Long as it's not clay you should be fine with a fruit bush. Gooseberry plants are very non-picky, so if you like gooseberries you're laughing. Currants are also not that difficult, as long as the soil's not really claggy. If you know somewhere you can get some manure (riding stables often give it away for free) then the world's your oyster.

I get it from a local riding for the disabled place - Mr C isn't that keen on me using the car to transport shit, but he tolerates it

I very rarely stray away from my 'safe zones' parsley! Just titles like 'how many cycles did it take you to get pg?' send me loopy. I can imagine the 'it took me three months it was awful' replies without reading that shit thank you.

I'm a gardening failure. My Dad was a gardener. He would be ashamed. My house actually kills pot plants. I moved here with plants I had kept alive since I brought them back from uni a number cough of years ago, they'd survived 6 house moves to get here but apart from one solitary cactus they are all now deceased .
I have been trying to get climbing roses to cover the brick wall at the back of the garden back yard but it's in the shade and I'm having very little success. What has grown is now covered in tiny aphids that I've given up trying to get rid of. I tried clematis as well but it's grown all scraggly rather than lots of leaves and flowers.

Sounds like they just came to the end of their natural lifespan, barking! (That's what I'd claim, anyway)

If the wall at the back of your yard is north-facing, it's no wonder it's difficult. Clematis will only give leaves and flowers where light falls on it, thus the straggly stems.

There's a lovely plant which I think is called 'sweet box' (FNAR FNAR FNAR) which prefers shade and produces wonderful scented flowers in Jan/Feb. We've got one growing next to our north-facing, permanently dark and dank back wall and it's very happy.

Aphids are a bastard but birds will eat them. Maybe a bird feeder might encourage them in and help with pest control?

Must go now, sound like Bob bloody Flowerdew

Lots of posts today! Hard to keep up, 'specially on my phone

Well done the green fingered ones, I fucking hate gardening and we have a massive one. BR has spent his days off transforming most of it so I feel extra guilty! I've not done anything more than tidy up the front in 2 years!

Scan was ok, as expected, think I actually miscarried last week and it took a while to come out, barren womb on scan, negative pg tests. Staff were lovely, put me in a room and came for a chat. Not sure they're used to someone so well informed There were also some ladies there recruiting for a trial called TABLET (Thyroid Antibodies and LEvoThyroxine Study) so I've had bloods taken to test for thyroid antibodies, can't hurt right! if I don't it's another thing to cross off the list! If I do they'll give me drugs to take for my next pregnancy. I have been reffered to the rmc clinic and will get an appointment in about 8 weeks. Not allowed to get pregnant again so looks like I'll be getting the coil put back in. Think I will continue to track ovulation for the information and am getting my GP to print off my test results, all to take to my appointment when the time comes. I will get onto BR to have his tests done now, again!

On the plus side, this is the end of my mental 15 month ttc journey, it is currently out of my hands. I will not be getting pregnant for at least 5/6 months so am going to relax and have fun for that time. Also I appear to have lost half a stone! Bonus

I have to go make dinner now, I will try and catch up with everyone over the next week, I'm back at work tomorrow and start nights on friday, plus the in-laws are coming to stay this week so may be awol but lurking!

COW Hags! Toe holds and woo vibes for Friday Bugs