TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

fox you are getting through this. Would it help to have a calendar so you can scratch off each day, like people do in the movies in prison? I've been doing that for the past few months and it is immensely satisfying to see the days being ticked off. Every week you are closer. I know this is scary but I hold so much hope that it will work for you.

ten hope you're feeling ok and thanks for the digi tip. I have one left and am going to try to hold off using it until next week. How are you feeling?

euro I actually think that talking the op through with a consultant would help massively. If you can go private at this stage, it might be worth exploring that (is there a way to do it so they can seamlessly transfer your notes?). Having my amazing, skilful, experienced and kind-hearted doctor made my hospital experience a thousand times easier. You have every right to vent about what's happened. I remember cheerfully telling my midwife at my 37 week appointment when she asked whether I was anxious about the birth because she saw on my notes that my mum had had a stillbirth 'No, as my baby was IVF I think I got all my bad luck out of the way already'. We ought to have straightforward breezy pregnancies. That's what we bloody well deserve! But - deeply unfairly - it doesn't work like that always, and I know you're going to handle this crap situation like the warrior you are.

cos I am looking forward to my 40s too (although not looking forward to my parents being frail and more grey hairs!). I'm looking forward to (I hope) all this crap that's consumed my 30s being done and dusted.

sar you always say the kindest, most helpful things. You are such a beautiful person.

AFM all ok I think. I jumped up and down at work a couple of times yesterday because I was feeling so tired and didn't think, and it's something I often do to wake myself up (whyyyy??!! seriously what an idiot) and then had strong cramps later that afternoon and have had some light brownish pink spotting yesterday and today which has panicked me a little even though I know it's probably 'normal'. Can't wait for OTD on Thursday, although I wish I wasn't leaving for my trip that afternoon as I won't be able to go in for the second test to see if the levels are doubling. Argh. I think I'm going to be a nightmare for the next few months.

So I missed a whole page of updates??? Very strange.

Fox How is the tiredness coming along? I remember those feelings, it is crap but it is bearable I guess, just be kind to yourself and get some early nights!

EuroHow are you and centime doing? Have you had the steroid injection yet? I am not sure where you are looking at in terms of hospitals but I know the names of two very good consultants based centrally if this is of help? I think I will be using one of them if we get that far. I know this isnt how you imagined it to be, but once centime is here none of this will matter, hold onto that thought. Talking to a good consultant that you can build a relationship with would help I am sure.

Critter Such great news that you got your bfp. I am immensely happy for you, I hope the blood test is reassuring. It is understandably going to bring up all sorts of emotions, hand hold for the next few weeks. Regards the pains etc at the weekend I freaked out as I could feel my ovary pop up through my abdomen – it was truly disgusting. Now I just have the pains you describe and back ache etc but all of it is fine so long as it isn’t indicating imminent disaster! On a personal note I absolutely would never think that your announcement could be stabby (with or without my current luck) you have been through the mill in the worst possible way. Jumping up and down is not going to make any difference. Most women do not know they are pregnant yet, they are continuing to drink, run etc once it is in there it is in there. I used the digis to make sure the levels were going up, because I didn’t get any follow up bloods (and I was in such shock it might have worked), so wait a week or so etc

Ray Ahh I’m sorry, I understand that feeling, a sort of ache that can leave you breathless.

Cos How goes knicker watch?!

Sea generally feel like I have a constant hangover without the booze, which is fine with me. I am so grateful to be here that when people are asking me how I am feeling no matter what the answer truly is I just say oh yes fine thanks, no symptoms. I feel like I absolutely am not allowed to complain about any of this, and actually I think it helps – because I just get on with things regardless and then can usually forget about it for a while.

I'm so sorry to read and run but had been thinking of you critter and euro and just read so many lovely thoughtful words from you all. Critter regarding the jumping - I found that 'mustard seed in a jam sandwich' worked for me to manage these concerns Euro the way you get there matters. My birth turned out crap at the last minute and I have not yet got it together to write that whole bullshit story. It's horrid for you and I hope that - small comfort that it is - you are able to manage things now and have this benefit you once your baby is here.

Critter I'm thrilled for you and right now must be the complete bag of emotions with regards the important stuff in life. Excitement, grief, joy and trepidation. Big hugs, congratulations and lots of love to you and Mr C. You're in my thoughts daily and I've been hoping for only good things for you.

Euro total crapbags. The birth does matter and I'm sorry you're facing your fears yet again. Your eloquence and bravery never cease to amaze me and I can't imagine that there's anything that you can't overcome. As someone else has said, you are Euro. That doesn't mean it's fair and I'm sorry that your pregnancy has taken a worrying turn. I hope that I can offer you small comfort in mentioning one of my new friends, whose baby was due 3 weeks after mini princess but instead was born at 27 weeks. He is a picture of health now and a wonderfully gentle and inquisitive little boy. She had excellent NHS care in London to start with and then Brighton and has had excellent follow up care ever since. She's a fellow MNetter and I know that she's found a lot of support on here. I don't know her MN name and I would feel a bit squeamish (we're good "new" friends and she knows a lot about my past troubles but I don't feel close enough to be searched - I live in a relatively small village!!) about asking but I could always introduce you via other means. She is super smart and sassy and lovely in equal measures. Thinking of you xx

Waves and loves to everyone else, thinking of you all, especially Cos, Fox, Ray and Joy xxx

critter here you carry your maternity notes with you, so that is not an issue, thankfully. mr euro has managed to get an appointment with a private consultant I have heard very good things about at St Thomas', which has a high level NICU, should centime need it. I'd rather not spend the money, but just knowing that this guy can fit us in has relaxed me a bit. My local hozzie really doesn't have a good reputation (they tried to close the maternity bit a few months ago and the decision was overturned on judicial review (good decision) but the uncertainty meant a lot of staff left with the gaps being filled by disinterested agency staff).

princess thank you. I've been lurking on the premmie boards a bit so I've probably seen here. It's great that her 27 weeker is doing so well.

doll thank you. I hope you are doing ok.

ten I am probably having the steroids tomorrow. I have another monitoring scan too. And then the private consultant later in the day. Gah. Guess I will need to woman up about my hospital fear.

And thank you all for not making me feel silly or churlish about this. I know I am so close to getting the baby many of us are still looking for. I feel a bit awkward posting on here about pregnancy woes, but you have all been so supportive all the way through that I feel that I still want to share my ups and downs with you all (and keep cheering you all on in turn).

Just quickly read the thread and wanted to say critter I'm so so thrilled for the bfp. I know your emotions must be very mixed and it must be hard to celebrate, but you are over the first hurdle and the twibling is on his/her way. Lots of love and I'll be thinking of you over the next few weeks.

euro I was so sad to read how upset you have been. When I thought I was due a c section for M being breach, I had lots of similar fears to yours about ops etc. in the end I didn't have one, but was begging for one to get M out safely after hours of her HB being dodgy. I think lots of info and talking to consultants will help, with the fears and also to prepare for a premie baby. Centime will receive the very best care and it will all be managed very well , as it'll be planned. It is so unfair though. 10+ers just don't deserve shitty pregnancies.

fox am thinking of you, getting ever closer to the prize. Sorry the hormones are making you feel crap.

Gotta shoot. Big loves to all

Euro – hope everything goes ok today > I’m sorry everything has turned in to such a nervous ending but hopefully this private doc can be of great benefit. And i would feel quite sad if the pregnant plussers didn’t feel like they could share their fears to us all here. We ‘ve been ‘chatting’ for so long and seen each other through shit times, I think it’s important to see you all through until the big day...if that’s what you need.

Critter – you lovely lady. As if your pregnancy news would annoy any of us. One thing I am so thankful for is that you don’t appear to have a problem getting pregnant with ivf because after the most awful time you have had, that is one blessing at least. . Twibling sounds like it is just settling in. It is horrible though when there is some kind of bleeding/coloured discharged in pregnancy, it hardly makes it settling. Hope it has settled down.

Cos – it sounds like i need to run out and get ‘the better baby book’. But you have totally hit it, it really depends on how hopeful you are feeling as to how you take someone’s announcement. I’m clearly not that hopeful right now which is utterly strange considering ivf should give us a better chance but I think the faulty embryos thing is running in my ears. Anyway, you have every reason to be hopeful now. I hope your spotting stops and now you know that there are no nk cells in your womb, I reckon they have finally got to the bottom of things. Well i say ‘they’ but you have finally got to the bottom of things.

Ray – i totally agree about running to an island so you don’t have to hear about things. There is an element of shame and embarrassment sometimes. Well i find there is. But I know those pangs of terrible sadness which creep up. It’s horrible and it can last for days and it seems so hopeless when we know there is only one thing that can fix it. I think we probably all romanticise having a baby and i may have no experience of it but I have no delusions about how demanding, challenging, hair tearing and hard being a parent is but to date I’ve never met one person who hasn’t said their kids are the best thing that happened to them, their greatest achievement and their greatest joy and they would never have it any other way. So for me that says not being able to have a baby is far far worse and difficult than having them.

I managed to congratulate my friend after being so grumpy. But now another friend has contacted me and wants to meet with me. She has been trying for quite some time and you know when you just get a sense of things by what someone says. > Already feeling nervous about seeing her now. I would have thought considering everything she wouldn’t tell me face to face. Gaahhh> Also have managed to get back my file from the clinic and have been having a good look at how our embies develop. It really is quite extraordinary to see how there is actually quite a good selection of embryos on day3 yet by day 5, most have just turned to cells. It really shows how little chance we have of conceiving naturally. I think we have to rely on divine intervention now!

joy I am sorry you're feeling so despairing. I don't feel despairing for you, although I understand why you feel so hopeless. You have been pregnant. You can carry a pregnancy, your eggs can fertilise, it's just a case of finding the golden embie. And I believe he/she is out there - whether through IVF or natural. Incidentally I am sure child-rearing is very hard work but I think the misery of long-term infertility is far worse. And even though I didn't get the experience of having a healthy child, having my son was still the best thing that ever happened to me - even on top of all the grief and pain of losing him, I would have him again in a heartbeat, even if there was the same terrible result. It was bloody magical and it's worth keeping on this road just for that. The prize at the end is worth it.

euro the very very best of luck today. Maybe you could write down your questions for the consultant in advance? You should absolutely not feel silly in the slightest posting here (and also, on that note, please don't worry about upsetting me - you haven't in the slightest. I understand your fears very very well and they are 100% valid and real. I'm really really glad they are watching you so closely and spotted the problem, because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about. But I'm also furious the problem is there in the first place, and shaking my fist at the universe once again). Your doctor may be able to explain what he is doing while he does the surgery, too, if it's a planned c section, and MrEuro can be in the room with you.

doll it does sound like you had a terrible time of things. I hope everything is better now, and that you're enjoying your little men and getting some help looking after them both as I am sure you're run ragged! Thank you for the jam sandwich analogy, I had heard that but had forgotten it, and it did make me feel better. I emailed the clinic and they told me that all I could do was keep taking the oestrogen and progesterone and avoid heavy lifting etc, and reminded me that some women bleed all the way through their pregnancies.

gin and princess thank you both SO much for the congrats, they mean a lot to me - it is so nice to know that you are thinking of me and it is so lovely to have you both popping in. Hope your little girls are bonny and well.

ten I was the same during my pregnancy and didn't feel I could complain at all about any of the discomforts, sickness etc because I was so grateful to be pregnant. But I actually think it was a good thing because I 'got on with it' like you say and I also remembered all the way through how blessed and lucky and happy I was - and I think it'd be a shame to not feel that - to some extent, you do feel the way you act. Having said that you should feel free to have a good old moan if the mood takes you, sometimes it's what's needed!

fox another day down, another step closer. Cheering you on here. Sorry for the horrible overheating and wooziness. I really hope that in a few weeks that will be replaced by the woozy knackered hungover feeling of early pregnancy. Tightest of hugs.

ray did you guys decide to wait until after August for the next round? How I wish this horrible marathon would end for you.

I did another test this morning and it seems like a strong line so I hope that the brown stuff yesterday and the day before was just some old blood making its way out. OTD is tomorrow. We told parents and sister critter, but not going to tell anyone else until at least 12 weeks and maybe longer, if we get that far. It feels very fragile and unreal and fear-inducing still. I'm going to try to not obsess.

V briefly as I have too many medical appointments and not enough time to get through my work at the moment. This morning's monitoring was fine - no change. Next appointment Monday. So barring cessation of movements, we have a few days' reprieve. I'm off to meet the private consultant later.

I'm glad you managed to get your file joy. I wonder what is going on with your embies. Do they not like the lab or would the same thing happen with an earlier transfer?

Thanks Gin. These 10+er babies do like to worry us!

Euro - a few days reprieve is what you deserve. Hope the consultant is good and can help put you at ease as best as possible.
I think embies would do the same thing on a day3.

Critter - lovely words about James and thank you for not feeling despairing for me. I do go through complete phases of despair. Also great news about your test this morning especially when you haven't reached otd yet. Very impressive to get lines that early!.

A clumsy phone post from me while I have a few minutes. I am so thrilled for you Critter. It would have been beyond horrible for you to have to struggle to get pregnant again after all that you have been through. Enjoy your retreat and think of it as the ideal settling in environment for the twibling. Oh and use the digi test with caution. Mine didn't go up when I thought it would causing necessary panic. Things were obviously fine.

euro you will amaze yourself with your strength in facing these fears. It is absolutely sh*t that you are having to face this but you have kept centime in the right place for a long time and they will be ready to give him/her all the right support when the time comes. I hope the private consultant can give you some peace of mind.

joy we all have hope for you and your ivf chances but it makes total sense that you feel that sense of despair and impossibility.

fox well done pushing through the downregging phase. I am so hopeful for you and it really is amazing how quickly things can change. Second (and third!!!) announcements are so stabby. I will never get used to it.

ray you have done so well coping with all of this. Seeing other people's lives move on when yours seems frozen is such a horrible side effect of infertility. I really do believe that you will win this numbers game.

cos I hope your cycles are changed for he better and that this op has sorted things out for you xx

Must run but will be reading and hoping for positive outcomes for everyone.

Critter, you're such a sweetheart to think of others and how we might feel. I couldn't be more happy for you, I don't think after what you've been through that anyone could think you've had an easy ride. I'm just so pleased that you had the twiblings waiting for you and that you haven't had to go through the pain of ttc again or of a failed cycle.

Euro, how did the consultation go? Although I'm a massive fan of the NHS, I can see why it's important for you to have a doctor that you have a relationship with and can trust. If your section were to be planned, could you not know in advance who the nhs consultant would be? I'm clueless to how this all works. I really wish you didn't have to go through all this, it is so unfair after all the stress of ttc. I know I'll never get over this process. I already think that conception, pregnancy etc is ruined for me because it's not at all how I wanted it to be. Then I have all the worry of increased risks for everything with ivf, worry about long term problems etc. there is no way I would be able to have a calm pregnancy and I'm really quite angry with the universe about this. So, I totally understand what you mean. I'm thinking of you and willing the blood thing to improve so that a section might be off the cards. Can they say what causes it? Is it in anyway linked to the conception? Or is it a random thing? Do keep posting here, I'd feel sad if you felt uncomfortable.

Joy, you got your notes then? I felt angry for you that you had to pay for them, surely they belong to you? Was there any interesting info in there? I'm going to ask for a copy of my notes so I can go through them with a fine tooth comb. For what it's worth, I think this round is going to work for you just because you deserve a change in luck and trying something different with a new protocol might be key for you.

Waves to everyone. I'm totally out of the ttc zone just now. Still no idea when we will do the next cycle, I just don't feel in the mood to go through it again anytime soon. I know that might sound strange and you're probably thinking that I'm wasting time but it doesn't feel right at the moment.

ray I felt like that after my 3rd round and was planning to go for the 4th in Spring 2014. Then one day I suddenly woke up and felt ready and talked mr euro into squeezing in one more round before the end of last year. I think it is really important to be mentally in the right place.

Critter I think today was OTD but you are now away on your retreat. I hope you have a fantastic time and that the twibling is snugging in nicely.

Thank you for all being so supportive and understanding (although I wouldn't expect any less of this lovely bunch of ladies).

The consultant we met with was fine, but I didn't really click with him. I'm sure his technical skills are great, but I'm not sure he would offer me enough over and above whatever consultant the NHS would give me to be worth the money. So we are meeting one more possible private consultant who was used by some good friends of ours on Tuesday. If I don't click with him, I will just stick to the NHS and deal with it somehow.

My mw came over this afternoon and didn't do any of the usual checks (I guess I'm being monitored enough elsewhere) but just offered a shoulder to cry on and various sources of support. Talking things through with her acted as a bit of a release and I had a massive cry for ages after she left. I feel spent now, but slightly better mentally.

Euro so sorry for the tears. Big squeeze. You're nearly there.

Euro so so sorry for the tears and that you didn't click with the consultant. This is all unbelievably stressful. Thinking of you.

Mad so lovely to hear from you and thank you for the warning on the digis. I already panicked a couple of days ago when comparing internet cheapie in darkness when one didn't seem darker than the previous day's effort. It's a slippery slope!

Ray I don't think you are wasting time. It's really important that you're in the right headspace. For what it's worth, I just dipped my toe into the angels and rainbows board where the women have all had terrible experiences and I think I am the only IVFer. I reckon risk is just par for the course with pregnancy but people don't talk about it.

Joy hang in there honey. Your lucky embie is out there, I am convinced.

Fox hope you're doing ok with the prolonged down regging.

Yesterday's blood test at 14dpo was 120. James was 256 at 15dpo and it's meant to double every two days so I feel good about the number and the brown bleed seems to have stopped. They wanted me to come in on Monday for another blood test but as I can't I guess I just hang in there and hope. On my summer residency thing now so at least I will have distraction. Thank you all for the hand holds. X x

That's a great bHCG. I'm sure you have a healthy strong twibling in there. Enjoy the retreat. x

That sounds very positive critter. Enjoy your time away with hopefully not too much menkulling.
Euro, how are you doing? Do you have another growth scan soon? Will you be meeting with another consultant?

Dh is away again, so I've decided to spend the day doing a deep clean of the house which I am now regretting because I've pulled out all the furniture and emptied cupboard and wardrobes and things, and now it looks like a warzone. It's very therapeutic scrubbing everywhere though and it's good thinking time. I'm not going to make a decision on timing of the next round until after our holidays. I think the options are either August or December. Cycles are a nightmare to fit around work for both of us and adds to the stress of it all.

Wow what a long time since I last posted! Such a lot going on.

Firstly, Critter I was absolutely delighted to read the news about Twibling. How typically sweet of you to worry whether it upset any of us, but I think Cos said you'd be way at the bottom of the list of BFPs that bothered us!! I am just thrilled for you, even though there must be a whole gamut of emotions involved just now. Enjoy the retreat, relax, and enjoy this moment.

Lovely Euro I was reading the last couple of pages with my heart in my mouth somewhat. I'm pleased to see at the last check things seem stable, but what a worrying time. Your anger at being cheated of an easy pregnancy is fully understandable; yes of course Centime's safe arrival is all that matters in the end, but it's not unreasonable to have hoped for a bit less worry than this. Keeping everything crossed that things remain stable or indeed improve, at this stage I'm sure literally every day counts.

Lovely to hear things are progressing well Ten, and I'm glad you had a wonderful holiday.

Sea where have you reached now, I've really lost track? Hopefully your terrible MS subsided. Still think of you often, let one of us know if you want to join us over on FB at any time.

Cos ouchy to coil removal but I agree that you are getting so close now. 7 years, that's a very very long time to have to wait. I was feeling bad about my 4 year crap-iversary arriving, but that's mainly about the birthday that happens immediately before it.

Lovely fox how is the dreaded DR going? Keep your eyes on the prize, it's a drop in the ocean in terms of how long we've been dealing with all the other shit.

Gosh Doll your birth experience sounds like it was pretty horrific, I'm just so glad it's all behind you. How is life in your location? And yes share some Little Doll and Mini Doll pics with us, we wanna see . Are you not persuadable onto the book of face even just for our wee gathering? We miss you :)

Gin, Princess, Sweet madness and Sar I always love to read your updates, it's so nice to see you on the other side. I forget sometimes what a tough time so many of you had to get there.

Ray and Joy I always feel so much of what you write applies directly to me as well. Somehow I think we'll all get there, but if only I knew when and how. Big hugs to you all.

Did I miss anyone? Well Drizz of course, who at least I've said hi to on the other place. Did I miss her announcement on here, for the few who aren't on FB? Hope I haven't put my foot in it, but I'm sure Euro said it was on another thread?

AFM, most of you know about the headfck 40 day cycle I had last month. That was incredibly stressful by the end and has set me back a bit. I'm feeling quite down about TTC just now. Ray* I think you asked about plans, but honestly I have none. I'm ridiculously hoping for ironidiff - STILL . Will I never learn? Then every so often I think OFFS I just want a child, why am I still wasting time on natural cycles. Problem is Greece is expensive and I've had an expensive year one way or another. (New hobbles not helping the finances .). I guess we should aim to go to Greece in September; but I'm starting to really get depressed about my birthday. We will be on holiday for it luckily, but I always said that was when I'd officially give up trying. That changed a little after Greece when it was suggested we delay DE for a few months. But really, I can't see the AntiBs being the thing that makes the difference. So we should really probably get back there and get the last hurrah over with, so I can move on with my life. Thing is, if it doesn't work, then it's really over, and that's quite a scary thought. That might be why I'm not rushing to do it.

Slightly depressing end to post! I should probably get back to the 100 things I need to do still today, though it has to be said none of them are very exciting. I will try to keep up with the thread, but I've been very busy both with work and hobbles. I will keep an eye out especially for euro as superstitiously I feel if I'm not reading updates I might be bad luck. I may also be watching some if my fingernails can bear it!!

Sorry if I missed anyone, and also for humunga-post.

ray the next scan is on Monday, and we're meeting another possible private consultant on Tuesday. I'm on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, with good days and bad. Today hasn't been great so we are off out to see 22 Jump St in a bit to try to make ourselves laugh.

A deep clean sounds good. I was planning to do that sort of thing on the pre-baby mat leave I now won't have! Oh well, it's only dirt...

nelly I completely understand your feelings. It's unsurprising after the wtf cycle. I hope the hobbles are providing a good distraction.

Right, off to cinema.

Going to the cinema sounds like good distraction technique euro.,I hope you can have a good giggle. I'll be thinking of you on Monday. I guess it's very upsetting partly because you don't know what's going to happen and there is so much uncertainty. Are you still at work or has your maternity leave started? We're all here to chat if you need it. Do you have good support in RL?

Nelly, seeing as Greece told you to try for a while before de then I think you're right to hope for an ironiduff. They must have thought there was a chance. I've long since given up on the hope of that happening, I'm not even keeping track of my cycles. Money is one of the reasons I'm not sure about august. I'm also like you in that I think it's the fear of this round not working because I think this will be the final one so I'm terrified of being out of options. If I delay it then I still have one round left, stoopid I know.

I'm still at work at the moment but finding it really hard to focus. I would have liked to have finished on Friday, but someone I work with closely brought her holiday forward to next week when I first heard that the baby might come early (although then we didn't realise how early) so I really need to make sure I am there next week. There is a hearing in one of our cases on Friday and one of us needs to be there. It's a pain because that is going to be quite stressful and I am really not in the right place to deal with it, but che sera. She's going to take on most of my workload while I'm on mat leave, so I can't really object.

I have pretty good real life support (as well as fab online support :) ). Mr euro is being brilliant. I'm really missing my bestie, who has had 2 CSs and twins in SCBU and would be great to talk to at the moment, but her twins have chicken pox so she is staying away from me until she is sure that it has passed. My parents live fairly close by and will provide a lot of practical support (when I can't drive for a while) but are on holiday until Friday, so I am hoping centime can stay in through next week.

ray I completely understand that. We had decided not to do our final round (at new clinic, throwing everything at it) until Spring this year (before I broke and decided to squeeze in a mild round at our old clinic). We felt we needed to be completely ready and if I'm honest were probably putting off the end of the road a bit.

22 Jump Street is laugh out loud funny, btw.

Euro - you are far too diligent. I hope your work knows how blooming lucky they are to have you and I hope they also understand how stressful this is. I think trying to keep as distracted as possible is an excellent idea.

Nelly - something must have happened on that cycle. I am not surprised it has thrown you and depressed you. It was cruel. Birthdays really are a shitfest and only because of these stupids numbers. I hope you can get suitably drunk and stick two fingers up at it. With limited means and limited emotional energy , it is just bloody hard to have to face a round. That fear of failing is just so powerful but there is a really good chance it will work and also I expect you will get some for the freezer.

Ray - thank you for being positive for me, it is nice when others are. Do you think you will move clinic for the next round?

Critter - that's a great beta.

So AF came today really early so you know what that means. Feeling of dread has been hanging over me all day at the thought of starting this again. . And then on my way back tonight I took a picture of a double rainbow. Apparently in some cultures, a rainbow is a promise of future life and because I am totally mad, I have decided to take it as a sign of good luck.

Hi ladies

Nelly I loved your whopper post. But also can understand fearfulness. You got walloped last cycle with a confusing and stressful roller coaster and it makes sense that you'd be apprehensive and grieving. You are doing everything the clinic told you to do, in terms of trying for a while and then going back. With DE at least the timing pressure is off. You don't have to rush. The big birthday is just a number. But I really think that this is going to be the start of a happier decade for you.

Joy I love that you saw a double rainbow. I very much believe that is a sign. In fact I almost wonder if it's the twins you lost sending you a message of hope. Open heart. This could be the new chapter - new protocol, new round, new beginning.

Euro I'm so sorry you're still dealing with work stress on top of everything else. It is the pits. You are so close to having centime in your arms. A good laugh sounds like the perfect thing.

Ray I love a good clean, although emptying closets can be stressful! It's rubbish that money plays a part in this. And timing is always a bugger. I am so sorry for this extra stress. But I truly feel you are very far from being at the end of the road. Can you do some nice stuff with MrRay to give your hearts and spirits a boost?

Critter fab news about the numbers, am so glad that you're off to a great start and I really hope you have a worry free time. Do you think you will have confidence through the early stages as you know you got through them fine last time? Hope you're enjoying the retreat and it's firing your creative juices to keep you distracted for the next little while.

Euro how are you feeling? Hope you had a better day today. I spent the day with a friend and lovely baby. I'm convinced at some point this will all seem a long ago nightmare and centime will be a big fat bouncing franco.

Ray oh I have so done that so many times. My eyes are bigger than my belly in all things including cleaning sprees. Hope you didn't spend today aching in odd places.

Joy, oh what a beautiful sign!! I so believe in things like that. It is a sign, and you will get to that treasure! You can do it, we're all behind you.

Nelly love the phrase crap-iversary, how apt. I'm sure the last month must have put you through such a rigmarole of emotions I'm not surprised you're hacked off. Keep what the clinic said in mind, you were convinced by their advice to give it more of a go. I have been thinking re our 40's that maybe things will become more mixed, like to a certain extent in your 20's and 30's you're on a similar trajectory as peers in terms of education, careers, relationships etc, I'm hoping by 40's there'll be far more of a mix of people having taken different paths and hopefully less expectation of where you 'should' be at by a certain point. Can you plan something great which will make you feel cool and special and ace?

Afm work has been utterly exhausting last few weeks. One more week then off for a fortnight, bring it on.

It's so quiet on here. Just checking in - euro hope you are ok. I am thinking of you and willing you to get through another week with centime safely on board.

cos I know what you mean about 40s. I think as you get older, people's paths diverge more, and there's just more time for people to take different routes and build different lives and everyone stops caring as much. I hope this week goes quickly for you.

ray hope your home is sparkly and clean! I'm jealous, I reckon when I get back MrC will have gone feral and made a giant nest of Bud Light cans and pizza boxes in the living room.

All fine here. I am managing my anxiety about cramps and intermittent brown CM etc by basically doing an ostrich act and sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it. I have an early scan booked for Friday week, so in ten days time. Figure there's nothing I can do apart from keep taking my hormones and focus on distractions. And I am really enjoying my time away, doing lots of creative thinking, but also looking forward to being back home with MrC. Loves to all.